LoL @ Brandy

I never walked in on my parents... They had the smarts to lock the door. Last night, Mike and i had a little to smoke, and i was in the mood. Smoking does that too me, damn it. Well, he was all for it! We were playing around, kissing and such, and got "into position." As soon as things got started, the bedroom door opened, and Brandy walked in. Poor poor girl turned around and left, Mike and i laughing and yelling get out! She went back to Nate's room where they had a nice laugh... "It's okay honey...Daddy wasn't hurting me!" LoL

Christmas

After BJ and i got home the other day, i was afraid for what the apartment would look like. Not only did it look ok, he had actually cleaned the cushions, uprighted the tree, rehung the lights that he had pulled down. Brandy stayed by my side whenever Mike was in the room. We mostly stayed in my bedroom, but you could see her visibly tense up whenever he came near. We went together to my mom's house for Christmas, and she relaxed. She also met little Sean's brother, Josh. Even though he's 18, she started texting him... like crazy. Enough to make my brother text me that she was making Josh crazy. he told her she was illegal and didn't have a snowballs chance in hell. This morning my mom asked if i think tanner would make a good match. yes, actually. Tanner is quiet, soft-spoken, AGE APPROPRIATE... They went out. She didn't like him cause he didnt try to kiss her. But they went out again today... and she doesn;t like him because he doesn't want to have sex! Wow... this is gonna be a rough visit.

Kidnapped? LoL

Merry Christmas! Last night i will never forget, and it makes me laugh. But anybody else would be smart. So... we have Brandy for winter break, but that didnt stop mike from goingb to the bar. After he left, Brandy came in and asked what to do if he comes home drunk. (She remembers last summer) i told her to grab her stuff, and throw it in a backpack, but dont make anything look to obvious. i put a spare blanket and pillow in my car, and then we played on the computer, and watched movies. About 1:30, mike came home, and he was MAD. BJ came running into the room, scared. I told her just sit on the bed, pretend to be asleep or watch a movie. DONT TALK unless he aske you a question. just stay as quiet as you can, because you dont know what will set him off. He came in, bitching about women, in general, and either saw the tree or tripped over it, i cant tell from my bedroom. but whatever it was, it set him off. He went to his dresser where he keeps his half dollars from the casino that he doesn't think i know about. He opened the bedroom door, and yelled "F*** you!" to us, then left. We heard him shift gears halfway up the road, he was going so fast they grinded. (ground?)

I told brandy to hurry, so we grabbed our backpacks and ran to my car. Poor girl was crying, asking if he was always like this (yes) and would he really hurt us? (yes) i drove up to my mom's house, thinking my dad and brother could kick some ass. My dad has a gun that he'd like to show Mike, i'm sure. We got up there, i had BJ play on my laptop (I always bring it when he's this drunk) and i hid my car under some trees. About an hour later, we heard the bass of the truck, and he drove right up to the house. He checked the cars, because grandma's and mine look the same, and then he saw mine under the trees amd knew i was there. I had all the lights off, so we could see him walking around the front yard. BJ started crying again, asking if she had to go with him. HELL NO. I sat her back on the couch, and opened the door before he could bang on it. I kept the screen door closed betwen us, and he was screaming about how i kidnapped her, and he wants his F'ing daughter back! F me, F her, he'll burn down the house,  he'll call the police! I was trying so hard not to laugh. "Okay- call the police! I'll even tell them why she's here, and you see if they send her home with you. You're drunk- go home, we'll see you tomorrow." He was screaming weird obsenities, but he got in his truck and left. Then he started texting us- telling me he would be back with the police, and telling BJ her mom was a bitch and she would never be allowed to come back. We turned our phones off and went to bed. When we got up this morning, i warned her that the house would be a MESS, but he actually had cleaned up. It was vaccumed and everything. And when we came into the bedroom, he smiled and asked if we were off Christmas shopping. HE DIDNT REMEMBER A THING!

Kidnapped

We have Brandy! Not the liquor, the girl! Mike's youngest, and she is scaring the hell out of me with some of the things she is doing in her mom's custody. She will not be alone with her father because of what happened last summer, so this puts a damper on things i can do, and places i can go. I love her, but she IS only 14 and i cant blame her for being scared. Especially after last night. Nathan is at his grandma's visiting Michelle, which he always does when BJ comes over. So her and i are playing on the computer, mike is in the living room practicing karaoke. And drinking. About 10PM he came in, got dressed and left- no good-bye to BJ or myself. Oh well, we just kept playing around, until 2AM when Mike came home, drunk and yelling. Something about buying a girl drinks and calling her beautiful but getting no where. Um, you can't convert a lesbian, idiot. But he came in and was tickling Brandy, until it started to hurt her. She said Stop- which is a trigger word for "Mean Mike". He pushed her away, and went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. During the tickling, his keys, wallet and phone had fallen out of his pocket. I asked her to hand me the keys, i didnt want him driving anymore than he had to- it's Christmas time, cops are out in full, and it's MY car he's driving. Legally, anyway. I figured he would watch a movie, pass out on the couch and wake up tomorrow. I was so freaking wrong. He drank half a pint of rum in the house before he went out, and the other half in ONE FREAKING SWALLOW. Then he went looking for his keys. The only place he would go at this time of night would be the casino. And if he loses, we're all screwed. While he was throwing the living room to pieces, screaming obscenities, i told brandy to slip her shoes on, quietly. I put mike's keys on the dresser, and asked him what he was looking for. He came in the room yelling until he saw the keys. He grabbed them and took off. I watched out the window, and as soon as he was out of sight, BJ and i grabbed pillows, blankets, my computer and our phones, and WE left. The only place i could think to go was my mom's. I have an emergency key, and my dad has a new gun. I didn't want it to come to that, but if it had to, it had to. I tried to hide my car in the trees,  and we settled down in the family room. Brandy was in tears, and i wanted to cry too. Why does he do this to his own baby girl? I'm an adult; she's just a child! From the family room, we set up blankets and waited. I knew as soon as Mike saw we were gone, he would come to my mothers. Sure enough, about half hour later, we saw headlights. It was completly dark in the family room, we watched as he gunned his engine into the yard and ran to my grandma's car. (Our cars are identical; until you look inside) Then he saw MY car, so much for hiding it. I was afraid he would do something to it, but he turned around and headed for the house. Just as he was up on the porch, i opened the door so he wouldn't kick it down. He starts yelling "Where's my kid?" "You kidnapped my kid, bitch!" "I'll call the police!" I called his bluff. Okay- you call the police, i'll even give you the address, buddy. Cause i'm pretty sure the cops wont make BJ go with you drunk, and by-the-way, you're tresspassing. And my dad has a registered, loaded gun. So, go ahead call the police. He turned around and left. We just woke up and i have 4 messages on my cellphone calling me a kidnapping bitch. i plan on keeping these...

Police.

I had to call. I hated to, but i had to. And you know what? I NEVER WILL AGAIN. Auburn cops are doing whats called a house watch for me. It's basically the same as when you go on vacation and ask the police to watch your house, but this time they are checking on ME, not the house. If i do not answer the phone, they will knock on the door. If i dont answer, Mike will be arrested for "suspicious circumstances". Hows that for justice? But... what caused this? I woke up this morning and saw the distruction he had caused, including the stab-mark in my wall. I needed something on record, in case... in case of the worst case scenario. The police showed up, and seperated us to get our stories. They took pictures of the damage, did a report, but cant press charges at this time. Mike, smelling of alcohol, told his police officer that i had mental disabilities, and blew things out of proportion. (Fuck him) I told my police officer that i was only in fear for my life when Mike was drinking. This is true! When he's not drinking, he's a nice guy! They gave me a 1-800# for domestic violence, and set up the house watch. I feel a little more protected... A little.

Stand up for myself?? Yeah. Right.

i never thought in my wildest dreams that it would come to this. I figured, i've run, i've been paralized in fear, i sleep fully clothed, keys and wallet hidden, medication and cell phone in pocket. Anything i need to get out of the house NOW is within arms reach, or just a trip to the bathroom. Yesterday i cut myself, to deal with some pain i was in, and tonight Mike went out drinking. One should have nothing to do with the other, but... He came home screaming, and throwing things around. He hates going to the bar alone, he resents the fact that i get money without working, he hates my family, etc. Then he ripped off the bandage and started screaming about that. So... I stood up for myself. I sat up, and told him that my family , my money and my arm are not his business. He grabbed his freaking SWORD and tried to stab me. Seriously.  I laid down just in time for him to miss me and hit the wall. There is a cut mark in the wall, right where my head would be. In the second it took him to put the sword from the wall, i rolled off the bed and was trying to hit the bathroom. He grabbed me by the hood of my hoodie, and pulled me back onto the bed. I grabbed the blanket, rolled it around me and he just started hitting. He grabbed anything in reach, and it became a projectile. It seems standing up for myself made it worse.

Unappriciation

"i hope you get your fill of unappriciation in WA, cuz when you come to TX i wont put up with it."


This was texted to me by my bestfriend, who, even though he's 2 thousand miles away, knows my life better than i do. I was supposed to be in Texas already, but fundage is low. Hell, its non-existant. I wont have money for any christmas gifts, let alone plane tickets. I feel like a heel, because its been a month of promises, that i cant follow up on. Why cant i follow up on it? cause i have a 47 year old baby to take care of. Do i have to? No, BUT! i know if i leave now, he;ll end up in a ditch somewhere and i'll feel guilty as hell the rest of my life. I still feel bad about how things ended with Aziz. I want to run to D, to have his arms hold me and tell me everything will be ok. But thats the problem... I run to him, to protect me, but then i feel helpless, and grow resentful. Vicious circle. I love him, but i have to make sure i love him for him, NOT because i hate my situation. Does that make sense??

Grandma's Birthday

Today my grandma turned 77.. Wow! Shopping for Grandma is both easy and difficult. It's easy cause she collects angels, so anything with an angel on it she'll love. The difficult part? Finding something she doesn't have, AND something rare enough that nobody else will buy it. Homemade angels are nice too, but i'm not that skilled. And she cant exactly put a poem of an angel in her display case... I bought her a little plaque, from Val's magazine catalog business, that had I love you grandma over the imprint of an angel. Unique, huh? She liked it- thats what counts. =)

GUNS!!!!

Visited my mom today, and my dad wasn't home. I was shocked because he hasn't left the house since his back surgery. Glad that he felt well enough to leave, but was dumb-struck when my mom told me he was at the gun range!! My family has never really been into guns, save for the loaded .22 my dad has for protection, and whatever it is that my brother takes hunting. When my dad came home, he was mad- the guy at the gun range made him and Shawn pay for 3 hours, then take an hour class before telling them that he was closing early. I felt bad, before he took his coat off... revealing a GUN! he had one of those holster things, and in it was a freaking gun. He was so excited to show me his toys, he brought out the lock-box (thank God) and bullets, covers, cases, etc. i hate guns, but dad was so happy i had to smile. But i smiled even more when he put it all away! =)

happy birthday to me

Not a bad way to turn 31, save for i'm missing one important person. Mike bought me a beautiful card, and an ice cream cake, and my parents took Nate and I out to dinner. Mike had to work, so my dad actually sprung to buy him an extra meal, and i took it to him. Michelle came and got Nate, and when Mike got home from work, we hit the bar. The homeplate, which is one of 2 places i'll go. We walked in, and mike announced to all (there were like, 6 people in there; LoL) that it was my birthday. Everyone bought me a shot, all with highly odd names. Screaming orgasm, slippery nipple, sex on the beach...

Came home and crawled into the new bed my mom bought... so comfortable. It will be a switch to not sleep on the floor!! =) =)

It was fun, but a far cry from last year, where my bestfriend was the only one i let buy me a drink. And i got WASTED and it was ll on video. which i watch when i want to remember why i dont drink. It was a good birthday, but... it was missing that one person.

Crazy white girls

We actually went out and had fun last night. We hit the home plate, which usually has an older crowd, pretty subdued and not really crowded. Mike was so happy! introducing me as his girlfriend, his eyes shining, he was so happy. it brought back old memories, and i could almost feel myself slipping again.

We got home about 1AM and watched a movie, then went to bed. He started kissing me, and touching me, and i was liking it, i wont lie. But it had to stop before it got too far; i did not want sex with this man!!!! He got angry when i wouldn't suck his dick, and punched the wall. i knew he was hiding his anger, and crawled off the bed; scared shitless. Then it dawned on me-- RUN. I pulled my jeans over my sweats, but couldn't find my shoes. I'm looking, he's screaming "Get back in this bed!" Finally i found them, and crawled into bed, and he grabbed me. Locked his arms around me so ic ouldn't move and he fell asleep. When he was snoring, i wiggled free, and put my shoes on. But the danger was over, why bother? I went in the bathroom and... yeah. I came back to bed, and about 4AM was woke up by his screaming. He jumped out of bed, went into Nates room and slammed the door. WTF? Bad dream? I turned the lights on and realized i had bled thru the bandages, and at some point he tried to put his arms around me, and got blood on himself. Blood has a very metallic smell, i think thats what woke him up. I went into Nate's room to calm him down; he was already asleep. I handed him a new shirt, but he was OUT. He kept mumbling "No more crazy white girls..."

Thanksgiving

T-giving was Thursday, and my family was going to aunt Nancy's house. I', not a fan of that part of the family, but it doesn't feel right to go to Sharon's. Even after all the stuff she's done for me, it would be akward. So i let each one think i was at the other's house. About 3PM Mike texted me, to see what was up. the power was out at his mom's so they were going to take the turkey to another house to cook. I asked if there was anything i could do, got dressed and went up. I sat at the table with Michelle, Nate and some cousins, playing card games before anyone realized i was there. I couldn't even look at mike, i so did not want to be there. I took michelle to work at 10om, and was asleep when mike came home.

Today we wnt to visit his brother Val. Val is the least favorite of the 3 brothers, but he is closest to Mike, so i have to deal. I helped him wrap some of his christmas packages, while he and mike watched the huskies win. We just got home, and mike turned around and left. So, shoes and clothes stay on.

Snow

i love snow. it turns everything blank and pretty, and you can see clearly. The downside is there is usually ice as well. So i dont drive. And, even though it was a "too nice" move, i let Mike take MY car to work. It has better brakes, and i dont want him manuvering a stickshift while he cant see clearly. i had many reasons, none of which made sense when Michelle's boyfriend dropped her off at 6PM. Michelle had to be at work at 10, but Mike gets off work at 10... time warp? Nope. He volenteered me to take Michelle to work. And Nathan has his head so far up Michelle's ass, i had to take him too. So now i have 2 precious cargo in a car i'mnot 100% proficent in anyway. Let's take a stick-shift novice (me) and add 2 kids that wont settle down, and add ICE. Not to mention it was 9:30 before Michelle told me that Mike told her I would take her to work. Normally, i dont mind. My car, i can get her there in 10 mins. The Honda takes a bit to warm up and defrost in normal temp. It's snowing, icy, and the mins are counting down. Michelle and Nate are helping me.. oh wait, no, they're sitting IN the car watching me scrape the windows. Off we go... skipping and sliding, but holding my own. Lucky, all 3 streets i must take to get her to work have been sanded, salted or driven on enough that i have some traction. We pulled up in front of Wal-mart at exactly 10PM, michelle jumped out, and ran. Was NOT late; whew! On the way home, it started snowing heavily, but nate and i made it. And, just to have fun AND get out anger, i gunned it, and we fishtailed into our driveway. I should've hit his truck, but that wouldn't do me any good.

Too Nice?

Woke p to mike's mom calling him. His sister needs money, and wants mike to pawn the karaoke machine/stereo. he has paid her for this thing about 4 times, including the fact that when we were first dating, I PAID the bitch. i'm so glad she doesn;t know wwhere we live. He told his mom we have no money. (we??) He and his mom talked for a minute, then Mike got up and started throwing things around the room, looking for something. Shoes, i believe. I offered to help look, and that would be the straw that broke the idiots back. Seriously, snapping words at me so fast he was tripping over himself. Telling me i'm such a loser because i call the worst people my "bestfriends" because they walk all over me. This may be true, but it's MY life, not his. My family is bad because they cant say no either... alcoholic drug addicts that let anyone sleep anywhere but make no room for family... Now this part was odd becasue Mike himself is a alcoholic; at least my parents are recovering. Drug addicts? Really? From the "ex"-rock addict? Pot smokers, yes. Drug addicts... callin the kettle black aren't ya buddy? And no room for family i think comes from living in a tent on my mom's front lawn 2 years ago. Why the lawn? Cause my cousin was in the middle of a nasty somestic violence divorce and needed support. Had Mike gone with his kids, to his moms, my mom would have put me on a couch, but since i dont really like that cousin, i STILL would have chosen the tent. Sit and spin, asswad.

Airports and windstorms!!

The wind has been blowing all day, but today was crazy! I think i know why... Tinman left. And it set all the universe out of balance. Okay, that was a bit dramatic, but thats how i feel, so screw you. He found a flight, i drove him to the airport. It should have been so simple, i'll be down there in just a few weeks for Christmas. But it still hurt!!  I couldn't even watch him go thru the baggage claim, i grabbed his extra bags and left, fighting tears. Extra bags? Yeah- he had over packed and couldn't take all his stuff, so they gave us a plastic bag and i'll bring that stuff down to him in December. Now, i'm pretty sure Sea-Tac airport has seen it's fair share of tears, but i could have stopped the plane with mine. "'Scuze me, this is your captain speaking... seems we have a tidal wave of salty water headed our way, we wont be going anywhere for awhile."  Yeah? No.

But he got home safe, and sent me a picture of him with his mama. He says his ex teased him about bein a "mama's boy". WTF is wrong with that? The pic he sent me shows in his eyes how happy he was. Which helped take away the hurt, a little. I just keep thinking Christmas...Christmas...Christmas...

Found out yesterday that Nate is afraid of the dark. No, not the dark, but sounds that come out in the dark. We were watching a movie, and the wind was BLOWING. Has been for a few days, but this was awesome! All of a sudden, the lights went out. We scouted around for candles and lighters and what-not. Mike walked in about 15 mins later, in time to grab the tarp covering our porch. It was making some whistling noise, which is what prompted Nate to start freaking. Mike tied it down, and we ate dinner that had just barely finished cooking. All in all, a day i'll never forget. Especially since i'm typing thisi n my car, plugged into the cigareete lighter, watching trees swing!!!

Too good to last

Yeah, no sooner did i post 2 days ago that he went all idiot on me. And i'm sure you're sick of me writing about Mike, but try living with him. What happened this time, you ask? He left about 9 pm, normal karaoke time. Not a suprise. But by 1AM when he wasn't home, i took offf my sweats, and got dressed. Jeans, hoodie, shoes, all the trimmings.Took my meds and fell asleep. I didn't hear him come in, but i heard him yell and try to take my shoes off. Thank you double-knots, but OUCH. I got screamed at, the normal stiff, he has to go out alone, i have a fake disease, i'm a loser, he hates being alone... etc. It's now 2AM and he's playing his freaking keyboard at high volume. I SO SO SO want the neighbors to call the police.

a good week...sort of

I say sort of, because i barely left the house, but there has been no drama. I still stay dressed whenever Mike goes out, which he's sick of, but i know the first time i dont...

Birthdays and headaches

Yesterday would have been Michael's birthday, and usually our family goes to the gravesite. I couldn't go this year, because i still have these freaking headaches. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway, since Shawn's bitch would have been there, and she would have set off this constant anger i feel.

Tinman is leaving. He's not sure when, because he wanted to be home for his birthday, but things didn't happen that way. But he is leaving, and it kills me because it hurts to move, and when i'm okay, i still get flash headches. In my mind is a countdown clock, he'll leave and i'm missing out on precious moments- i can stop taking the meds and be a depressed bitch, which wouldn't make time with him fun anyway. What to do?????

Headaches

Okay, since about the beginning of October, i have been on anti-depressants, and have been suffering with headaches, like mini-migrains. Enough to make me use an old religious trick and tie a bandana tightly around my forehead, and lay down in a dark room. At points, i would grab mike and just start crying; it hurt so bad. Which, crying doesn't help headaches.

Today is my bestfriend's birthday, and i can't be with him cause these stupid headaches. back to bed... 

Dent in the door

I dont think i posted WHY i went into the hospital... The night he came home drunk after his surgery, and was throwing a fit. He came in the next morning, all apologetic cause he kicked my car. No big deal i thought. Till i saw it. A huge dent in my baby. Well, i have been having flashbacks, so i went out today to fix my car. IHAVE to get that dent out. I took my door panel off, pushed thru what i could, cause my car really is tough plastic. i couldn't get it all, and started remembering that night... All that i went thru, all that was said...  and started crying. And he came out to help. He had some pipe and stuff, so together we pushed, and popped most of it out. Its still there, so i'll always remember (Like i could forget) but i'm not into having nightmares... Here's hoping!

Different levels of drunk...

1. Happy Drunk
1. "i love you"
2. "i dont deserve you"
3. "you're so beautiful"
4. "Why do you love me?"
2. Sad Drunk
1. "Why do you love me?" (This is on the border...)
2. "My kids love you more than me"
3. "Everyone gives up on me except my mother"
3. Mad Drunk
1. "i hate my life"
2. "I'm gonna go build a tepee in the mountains, and live in peace"
3. "This whole world is just about money"
4. "Everyone hates me except my mom and you! Why do you love me?"
4. GET THE F*** OUT Drunk
1. "F__k (Insert anything here) (and here) (and here)
2. " F*cking Wh*re C*nt Bit*h!"
3. Any loud noises, such as dishes being thrown, anything breaking, etc.

Learning, implemented

When i got home from the hospital, i told mike we had to talk. i am afraid to talk to him when he's angry, and afraid to ruin his good mood when he's happy. he told me he will never ever hit me, and that if i speak up, it will make him listen. At the hospital, they taught me to ALWAYS HAVE A BACK-UP PLAN. So, now that its 2AM and mike isn't home, its time to implement them.

go to sleep DRESSED, ready to run. So, my tennis shoes are tied, keys and medication in my hoodie pocket, cellphone fully charged and in my jeans pocket. Yes, jeans, turtleneck, socks, shoes, and hoodie. HOT AS HELL, but... no chances!

Yet Again

i just spent the last 4 days in a mental hospital. 6 times a day we have different kinds of therapy, which unfortunatly did no help. we had belimics, suicide attempts, me, wife beaters, abuse victims, all sorts of people. I say therapy did no help because you cannot take that diverse group of people, and tell us all the same thing. I did learn some things, and i think i met my future-self.  The last day i was there, at the first group meeting, we had a new-comer. This woman had slit her wrists because she did not know how to get away from her abusive husband. She didn't want to be alone, didn't want to anger him, but she didn't know what to do. This lady was in her mid 50's, and so timid, so shy. Even in the short hospital robes, she was trying to hide the bandages on her wrists. I actually wondered how she had been so strong for so long, living with an emotional abuser. Same as each morning, we all had to tell our background and say why we were here, when we hope to "graduate" and what we hope to accomplish. I said that i had learned i DO have an anger management problem, in the sense that i cannot control where it goes. i internalize my anger, taking it out on myself. This is why i am a cutter. After group, this quiet lady came up and introduced herself. I wont reveal her name. And she told me that she was also a cutter, before the attempt. I was dead on; i had met my future self. And i can either do it right and take aspirin to thin the blood before cutting, or i can grow and stop this BS.

Ouch~ Surgery...And Irony?

Strange. Riduculous and strange. I've been awake almost 48 hours, bear with me. 2 days ago mike had a dr apt for what he thought was hemmroids. i know i spelled that wrong; sue me. i went with because the last time he went they gave him a shot that made him woozy, so he may need a driver. Unfortunatly, he needed more than a driver. But i'm ahead of myself...

The dr listened to mikes hemroid history, and how he just needed it drained, so she stuck this metal telescope thing up his butt. Sans warning. He jumped, clenched down, and the telescope thing popped out. The dr said she didn't see any hemmroids, but she saw something. At this point we got worried. Until another lady walked in, and asked mike about his insurance. He doesn't have any. At that moment, everybody stopped. The dr with the telescope told us that without insurance, she could do nothing else but she did see something so he needs to be seen at the hospital ASAP. Viva La Seattle Indian Health Board. Imagine being proud of your heritage and having it be ashamed of you. Off to the hspital we went.

Harborview hospital... got there at 4pm, got back into the room at 11. At this point mike cant even sit down, he's in so much pain. I called his mom to see if she could go get nathan, and she wanted to be updated. same with my mom. But when we got back to the room (curtain) the dr's kept coming and trying to..uh... open the hurting area. Finally they had to give him a shot of lidocane and morphine to relax him and they saw an abcessed cyst. He needed surgery NOW. If it ruptured, he could become septic (blood infection) and die. The Dr could have been a little nicer telling us that, i believe. They wheeled him back to the ICU and kept him on a morphine drip, waiting to set up the surgical room. He was wheeled back at 2am, and out by 2:30. The nurse stayed with me the whole time, telling me what was going on, and how his vitals looked. They brought me into recovery and i had to take pics. he looked so drugged up; it was funny. He looked over and told me he loved me, and we'll always be together becasue i stood by him and forgave him for everything. then they wheeled him up to his room.

Now... I forgave him? He loves me? No. He doesn't love me, he loves the fact that i can, will and do everything and pretend that it doesn't matter. And it makes me mad, but oh well. He wasn't there for my surgery... What should that tell me?

Matt, Mom, facebook, and Me

Okay, below is an ACTUAL "Facebook Fight" between Matt and I. And my mom jumps in at the end, which i had to laugh at his reaction...

 I POSTED:  You ceased to be my bestfriend when i learned your definition of "Bestfriend" is the same as A.T.M. Now, you are just my project. Something to be fixed.

October 5, 2010 at 7:59pm:  Matt--why do women always have to "fix" other people? Maybe they should start with themselves, oh wait, that would require some sort of self honesty, so that'll never happen.

October 5, 2010 at 8:07pm · Melissa--Oh, you are SO not one to comment. Pretty sure you thought those were my initials at some point too.

October 5, 2010 at 8:09pm:  Matt-- touche? did you learn anything from you're dealings with me? and yet you're trying to do it right this time? do you know the definition of crazy? How many times will it take for you to figure out that the only person in this life that you... can change is yourself?  And why would you try to fix someone that you don't intend to spend your life with? and if you did intend to spend your life with someone, why would you want to change them into someone that you didn't become attached to? You women all seem to think that your so on top of everything? and then constantly blame us men that you look down upon with all your problems. And you wonder why Men have ruled the world since the beginning.

October 5, 2010 at 8:26pm ·Melissa--Crazy is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And yes, i expected their would only be one peson heartless enough to treat women like you do. My bad. Seems to be a Texas thing, cause i've got many ma...le friends that don't treat women that way. My stupidy is calling the retards that do "Bestfriend" until i wake up and realize that once you become MY Bestfriend (Can't speak for all women, sorry) You will treat me like shit and then blame it on me for not standing up for myself.

October 5, 2010 at 8:32pm · Matt--because that is the nature of things in the real world. Is it heartless to give someone your undivided attention, to bring fun, laughter, and good times to that person? Do you blame the Cat when you leave dinner out and the Cat eats it? Do ...you blame the dog when You don't come home and the dog shits on the carpet?  You can't take all the good things about someone and take full advantage of those things and then turn around and bitch when the other person takes advantage.  If you don't think that you put yourself out there to be taken advantage of, then you are not being honest with yourself.  Oh and you can try all you want to disparage me, but we had fun and you learned a lot of things and experienced new life that has taken you down new paths in life. If you want a friend to love you for you, quit trying to give them everything and just be yourself.

October 5, 2010 at 8:52pm · Matt--Now if you want to keep up this tit for tat, I can start to bring up things that you can't run away from. Now everyone will be mad at me, but don't come here and act like the victim when you purposely put yourself into these positions.

October 5, 2010 at 8:53pm · Melissa--I'll be the first to admit that i pulled the wool over my own eyes, and saw what i wanted to see. And i do agree that i allowed you to take advantage of me, no one is disputing that fact. In fact, most everyone i know agrees with that!

October 5, 2010 at 8:57pm · Matt--I'd have to say that most everyone you know never once saw the two of us together and they have only your stories to base any opinions from.  If it was just me, how come every person in your life has done this to you, it seems that this is something that has plagued you your whole life, I knew you for 8 months. You're almost 30.  So you can say almost anything about me you want, but I never promised you anything, and when it was clear that I only wanted you as a friend, you took a series of escalating steps to force your way, it didn't work, but I'm the bad guy in all of this? hardly.

Its not like you have two or three relationships going at the same time or something, its not like your not cheating on all your boyfriends and then wondering why they treat you to your own standards.

I like you a lot Missy and you are a good person, but let me ask, did I let you buy me things? yes. Did I borrow your car? yes. But, DO NOT act like you were the only one that was providing anything w/i our friendship. And don't not act like you were treated cruelly, your whole problem is that I never went for you, even though I was in the middle of some serious personal issues, so instead of being a good friend, all of the sudden I became just another person that wronged you, its funny but I wonder how many other people I share this with, when it comes to you. I was a good friend to you, when I didn't go for you, all of the sudden I was a bad person that took advantage of you.

Its funny, while you were telling all of your people what a horrible person I was, you were also sending me messages asking when I was coming home and how much you missed me, so... you're right, I was a dirty dirty person that took advantage of you.

October 5, 2010 at 9:16pm · Melissa--The fact that you take this post so personally speaks volumes. I could go on, but this in fact had nothing to do with you. True, i have lived 30 years with people stepping on me, and i stay friends longest with the ones that hurt me most. A wise man once told me that i give 100% of myself, and leave nothing for myself to use, along with not calling on others to help me. I am not trying to sound like a victim, because every relationship i have or have had, i have learned something.

October 5, 2010 at 10:47pm · Matt--nope, I told you, I luv ya, I only want the best for you, but we've had this talk before, (and yes I knew who you were talking about) and a year ago, I told you something was wrong with this guy, I just wish you could get a break and not feel like this.

October 5, 2010 at 11:13pm · Melissa--Actually, dear, a year ago i didn't know the person this was posted about. But thanks for watchin my back. :)

October 5, 2010 at 11:15pm · Matthew--ok, so you're right, we had this discussion a couple months ago, when you told me all about your new bestfriend, you've proven me wrong, my bad.

October 5, 2010 at 11:17pm ·Cindy--Matt, you are SO yesterday. Move on!
 
**I later got an email from Matt asking why my mom felt the need to get in his business. But when you post on Facebook, it's no longer personal, it's public. And my mom was the one providing Matt with the majority of what he "borrowed" so she didn't need MY opinion; she has mother's intuition. Ha!

OUCH- Surgery!

This wasn't my first surgery.This wont be my last, either. Sure as shit it was the most complicated. No, not the Doctor, he did a great job! Save for the fact that i only met him for 5 mins, before he read over my doc's notes and decided i needed  surgery. So surgery was scheduled. Mike has been working 13 hour days for the last 2 weeks, and i knew he would be too tired, but i asked him if he could drive me and pick me up. I dont need any hand holding! I didn't tell my mom, cause i doubt she'd remember, or something would come up and i'd be hurt and dissapointed if she didn't show up. I'd rather do it myself then be hurt when no one comes thru. The hospital called my grandmother becaue they couldn't get ahold of me, so that changed that plan. But they did say that they would bring Dave up, so he could be there. He's incessant about being there. I keep telling him i dont need anybody, i dont need anybody, i dont need anybody... but he seems to think he knows better than me. Whatever. We compromised, and Mike will take me in the AM, my mom will pick dave up and bring him so they can both be there, and dave can drive my car home, then my mom can take him home. Then i can get sleep...zzZZZzzzzZZZzzzz.....
Mike said he would be there for me. Except the night before the surgery, he went out after work. I'm at home, freaking out, and he shows up at 3AM. He walked in, talking about overtime and traffic. Wasn't until i got home yesterday that i saw his timecard. Yeah, boyfriend of the year was out of work at 9PM, went drinking, gambling, and i'm at home freaking out cause i have to be in surgery by 8.  Why do i give a shit?

Another change of plans, my mom wasn't going to school. In fact, she didn't really remember i had surgery! So i asked dave if he'd take me, stay and bring me home. Then my mom can take him home. I grabbed him up the next morning, we went to the hospital, and they checked me in. Lovely hospital gown! :-P Dave came in and we waited until it was time. He said he loved me, and they took me back. Next thing i remember was waking up with my mom and grandma standing over me, with a very cute nurse taking my vitals. He asked if i wanted dave to come back; of course! First i asked my mom... No, Mike hadn't shown up. He had called the house, thats worth something i suppose. At this point dave is getting more points in the "I give a shit about Missy" catagory. Least he's here for me.

Mom had bought me flowers and a card, and as we were getting ready to head home (She drove me, Dave drove my car, then my mom was going to take Dave home.) We have been thru surgery before, and the quickest way to recovery is SLEEP. I could not wait to get back into bed and just sleep away the pain and the medication. On the way home, amanda called my mom. Bitch needs to go pick up her son, needs my mom's car. So change of plans... We stopped at the store and got soft foods i could eat, and Dave bought me a cute card. My mom was going to come back ASAP to take Dave home, so i could sleep.

When we got to my house, he helped me set up a bed on the couch. He got comfortable, setting up movies he could watch. I was trying to not fall asleep until he left, but after an hour i gave up. I texted my mom, who told me she wasn't comfortable around dave, so i passed out asleep. And as soon as i did... He woke me up. Why?? I'm not sure. But strtoking my hair and kissing me was not helping at this point. Texted mom again... Not coming. Back to sleep... Awoken again. In pain, took pill, asleep. Woken up. LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME SLEEP!!!!! I was so tempted to tell him to take the bus but i was hoping he'd leave on his own so i wouldn't feel bad. I was in and out of it all day, but i remember dave left before mike came home. As soon as he did, i grabbed my blankets and crawled in bed. I slept until mike walked in with a cute card. Then left and came back with a potted flower, the color of the rose my mom had given me! Then left again and came back with a huge pink butterfly balloon. I lined all my gifts up, and passed out. That night, when i woke up, Nate brought me dinner he had made. He didn't know i had surgery, he thought i was sick. What a kid.

Today i woke up in a little pain, but mostly i feel like i've been punched in the stomach many times. Like a tattoo almost! I can see my belly button is bruised, thats where they actually pulled out the gall bladder. Yikes! But i cant wait to take the bandages of and see what it looks like! :-)

Mom

I owe my mom alot. Not just for giving me life, and putting up with all my shit, cause believe me, we've had it out. But she has given me 1000 dollars, based on ME. i'm helping fix Dave's car, and Mike's brother keeps upping and upping the price. I can't wait to get the reciepts for this job, cause i bet it doesn't equal the monies she's paying. We have a 100 dollars a month payback plan, so that gives me some leeway.

busy busy

I kinda like this week. Mike is working 12 hour days for the next two weeks. I'm not stupid enough to believe that he'll have any money, but its nice that he's in a good mood and his self-esteem is better. Sucks that Nate wont see his dad, but maybe friday he can. i dont have so much more to write about, but i hate going more than a few days, cause i'll forget to write. High-ho, high-ho, it's off to the dishes i go... :-)

Haha I knew it!

Preggers! HaHaHa! Dave's girlfriend is preg-o! LoL!

K, i've been having these weird dreams about him telling me this. I took him to work this AM (He's no longer driving my car.) and he was pretty quiet. i figured they were figting, so i didnt push it. He'll come to me when he's ready, and he knows i'll always listen. I had told him about these dreams, and he said no, he ALWAYS uses protection, because he doesn;t trust her. He talked a little on the way to work, they were fighting. He had texted her, and called her, and got no answer. He was getting mad, because she wasn't answering... Not that he cares, of course. (Uh huh, right) She finally texted him or called or something... and she's pregnant. I had to bite my tongue to not say what was on my mind, this was not the time. Now i was no longer (EVER) going to be his girl, but i will always be his bestfriend. And bestfriends listen and lend an ear and help in any way they can. And ex-fuck buddies hightail it to the free clinic!

I dropped him off at her house, and had to type this, but off i go! :-/

Dad havin surgery

I know he'll be okay... He HAS to be. He's my dad. A year ago, he had back surgery, but the Dr messed up like crazy, and my dad has been in even more pain than before. He has like 10 screws and bolts in his back. I'm worried about him....

***UPDATE***
He's OKAY! I KNEW IT!~!!! :-) :-) They pulled all these nuts and bolts out of his soine, and replaced them. only 1 out of the 6 screws was in the correct place. Can you say LAWSUIT???  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Family

Ever have that family that you just dont fit into? You're loved, your welcomed, and all that, but something is missing. My aunt Charlene is that missing link. I ran into her while buying books at Goodwill, and we talked for over an hour. Growing up, she was constantly suicidal... me too. She never felt at home with grandma and grandpa...me too. Dates abusive men...me too.  She constantly self medicates or goes off her meds...me too. This is true with alot of bi-polar patients though. She was describing her childhood, and we just had alot in common. It was fun to hear about my mom as a teenager, with so many other kids in the house. I wish i had a bigger family, but then again, i like my small one too. It was just nice to talk to someone that knows the gambit, as much as my parents try to help.

No no no no no no no no

So help me God, you will NEVER touch my car again. I will break every fucking bone in your body if you so much as LOOK at it. You think you're so different from Matt? YOU COULD BE LONG LOST BROTHERS!!!!!!! 

Mike went out to play with his truck, oil, water, etc. He called me on the phone "What the fuck is up with your car, now?" I ran out to see... I have a light blue scratch on my drivers side rear panel. This is OBVIOUS to any idiot getting in and out of my car, but somehow dave forgot to tell me. No way was this missed, what the fuck was I thinking???????????????????  It gets better...

Last night when he dropped my car off (Since i PAY for the fucking thing, i figure i should at least get weekend visits) he visited for a bit, but we had no alone time. Before he left, he handed me a 5 dollar bill for gas. I was surprised, cause he doesn't pay for gas. Back to the scratch/dent. I AM LIVID. I started bawling so hard i couldn't breath. Mike sat me on his tailgate and just held me. How can i be so stupid? I tell him it's just material things, so he doesn't care if he damages it, apparently. You're suppossed to be my bestfriend, i trusted you with the thing that i love MOST in the world, and you fucked me over. I give you money, food, time, everything i can, and THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID???  Everyone told me you would do this... What is wrong with me???

I thought it maybe could be washed out, so i started my car. And found the reason he handed me 5 dollars. I HAD ZERO MILES TILL EMPTY. ZERO ZERO ZERO. When Mike and i first started dating, i loaned my car to Matt, who called an hour later to tell me i had no gas. Yeah, i told you that when i dropped the car off, dumbass. Did ya think to put gas in? Nope. Mike went with his gascan, to save the day because of a man he hated. And 6 blocks later, when my car sputtered to a stop, he came to my rescue becasue of another idiot he hates. And i cant blame him. He has been worried about me, and i had rose colored glasses on. NO. FUCKING. MORE.

First real fight

My aunt Charlene, whom i haven't seen in as long as i can remember, was visiting my mom's. She's pretty, looks just like her graduation pic from grandma's wall, but has longer hair. I took Dave up, to spend time together, but i didn't realize it would be a family thing. My aunt nancy was there, too. I cant remember what started the fight, but Dave actually started walking home. And while we were outside speaking (He never really yells at me) my aunt fainted! Aunt Charlene, that is. She has panic attacks and agoraphobia like me, and i know the best thing is for everyone to BACK OFF. Nope, Aunt Nancy the nurse to the rescue. Hovering over her, shouting instructions, my grandma and dad asking what they can do... My mom standing back, worried, waiting for the paramedics to show up, and Amanda asking if she can drive the mustang to the hospital. Seriously, bitch? Paramedics showed up, not the cute ones, either. :-P But anyway, they decided to take her in, so bitch and mom left, grandma went up (FLEW) to her computer to pass this latest drama on, and i texted Dave to find out where the fuck he was, cause he hadn't come back. I assumed (ass-u-me; i know) that he was sitting in my car, but when the paramedics showed up i know theres no way he would have stayed out there. He was already gone...

Court

After almost 2 months of bitching about his kids, he discovered lena gets dshs for nathan and wants him back. Thats okay, nate wants to come back, supposedly to graduate from auburn high school. Brandy will graduate before him! But CPS called and wants michelle and i to testify about that night. And say what? Nathan says the "F-word" more than any other word? The children weren't in any danger, because Michelle is an adult and she instigated it? Yeah, lets go. We got into the court waiting area, and Lena showed up. With Robert. Her complaint is that Mike kicked the kids out and slapped Michelle. Except Mike never slapped her, he blocked her from almost hitting him, and he told HER to leave. An adult, not a child. When michelle read that, she set her mom straight and told her that she will testify that its not true and make sure we take brandy home with us. Michelle lives with her grandma now, where the hell will brandy live? But we went into court, michelle sat next to me. Lena looked over at us, and the judge called everyone to order. She gave mike the oppurtunity to speak first, then lena. lena told the judge all charges dropped, nate came home with us. Very very long drive home. i didn't even have to speak~ Why did i have to go??

Drugs

Moaning and bitching that if he hadn't done crack for 25 years, he'd be richer, healthier, and have control over his life. AND THEN HE BRINGS THE SHIT INTO THIS HOUSE!!!!!
"Honey, wanna get high?"
"Sure, you know where we keep that stuff"
"No, i mean with this." And holds out what looks like a tiny white rock. Which, as it turns out, it was. Except not the kind that I want in my house. He constantly bitches that Lena wastes money on it, and then he brings it here. Moron.

Brandy Jo

We're on our way to Wapato, because Lena is a retard. Okay, that's not fair... it's true, but not fair. Lena called Mike because Brandy ran away. Which Brandy does on a semi-regular basis. To the point that Wapato police have actually stopped looking for her when Lena calls the police. Mike and I both tried texted Brandy, and she and i have a special relationship; usually she'll tell me things if i promise not to tell anyone. But this time either she didn't trust me, or she really didn't know where she was. We kept texting her just for an address (the Yakama tribal police said if they had an address they will check on her) but she didn't know an address. Okay, who are you with? My friend. Male or female? Just friends and some guys. I told her to find a piece of mail and give me the address, or we would come to Wapato, and then the police will be alerted. She called my bluff. Or is it a bluff when you actually go thru with it? Tribal po-po know Brandy and Lena QUITE well, and refused to do anything. So off we go to... to what? IDK, truthfully.

-----Okay, we just left tribal court. We filled out a missing person report, and Toppenish, Wapato and Yakima police have been alerted. Yakama (i didn't know until today there was a difference in spelling.) tribal told Lena not to turn off Brandy's phone, they can try to call her. Yeah, you guessed it, Lena turned it off. Even the cop was suprised by her stupidity. All we know is she's safe, she's within city limits(The cops convinced Lena to turn the phone on AND add minutes; they called and BJ answered) this phone only works on the /reservation. So we're heading home, without Brandy, without Nathan, without a freaking courtdate to get Nathan...Nada.

Relationships

When Mike and i first got together, I slept in his closet. I wasn't going to jump into a sexual relationship immediatly. His mom bought us a queen size bed, and i got a job so he didn't think i was sponging off him. But after the first day we DID have sex, i remember waking up, going into the closet for my clothes and it dawned on me. I LIVED WITH HIM. I never LIVED with Matt, i just stayed there. I crawled back in bed, and woke Mike up. I looked at his sleepy eyes, and i asked him "Honey? Um... Do i live here now?" And he busted out laughing. Yes, we were official. We were dating, and lived together.

On the 4th of July, after months of doing things i shouldn't have done with him... Dave found a girlfriend. After warning me that he's not relationship material, and hurts girlfriends, he has one. Apparently she texted him she wants to go steady. Is she 13?

I get to be the bestfriend that is so happy for him! yea for you. I have to go have sex with someone that doesn't love me, but thats okay cause he doesn't either.

right

i was right.

Happy Freakin' 4th

I hate men. I wanted to spend 4th with Dave. But his family is like mine, ya never know whats going to happen, who's gonna be there, the variables set off my anxiety. My family was going to uncle mike's so mike volunteered us to go to Val's. He lives in Enumclaw, nice for fireworks! :-) I asked Mike and Val if Dave could come, and they said yes, so i gave him directions. He showed up about 2 hours later, poor guy. But we had dinner, sang some karaoke, had fun! We then went outside to watch fireworks, and Brandy texted me. I expected Mike's phone to go off, but it didn't. I told him to text his kids, and a few minutes later i got text from Brandy... "Please tell my dad to leave me alone. I hate him." I didn't pass that along. Instead, i texted Mike 143, so he would know I'm thinkin about last week, and i know he's depressed and needs a friend. His family is here, and Dave and I are his friends, we're here for him. I thought he would look at the text, smile, and be done. Instead, he looked at it, saw it was from me, not Brandy, and gave me this weird look. Then he opened the text and outloud reads "one-four-three?" Shit, he doesn't even know what it means?

Dave does. And he was a little drunk, and got mad at me and was ready to walk home. I caught up with him in the front of Val's house, where he informed me it wont work between us. This is probably the 5th time he's broken up with me, and we're not even a freakin couple! I took him to his car parked at safeway, and he was pissed the whole time. Then he had the gal to ask "Will i see you later?" I said i doubt it, i have ALOT to think about. He drove off pissed.

Nate and I left Val's about half hour later, and on a whim, i drove by the Spunky Monkey. A bar. I bet you 100$ that because i didn't go fuck him, he'll pick up somebody that will.

no comment.

Matt kept texting asking when we're gonna hang out. Michelle has been making friends at work, and wanted to visit with em, so i figured we'll kill 2 birds with 1 stone. With me there, Michelle will be chaperoned, wont be alone in Tacoma, a strange town to her. And with her there, i wont be alone with Matt, and i know her reporting back to Mike will prevent me from spending any money on him. It worked, sorta. We drove around, looking at the dalco. I love that view. Lived in WA state almost my whole life, and it's still breathtaking. Then we went for lunch, where matt ordered us beer. Michelle and her friend are underage, so they got pepsi. i asked for something in a bottle, like shmirnoff. She brought me bluemoon. UCK. I went back to the bar and filled the glass (yes, glass; not bottle) with oranges and lemons, to get rid of the beer taste. It helped... sorta. I dropped Michelle and her friend off at the Tacoma Mall, and went to take Matt home. He pays 400/month for a teeny tiny room, and i feel so bad for him.

The kids made it half way to Walgreens before Sharon picked them up. She wasn't happy, but understood.. Seriously?? She just brought Nate over to get some clothes, the kids are still going over as planned. She wants me to get Mike to stop drinking. Yeah, i'd have an easier time signing a peace treaty between Isreal and Palestine. I told Nate i was proud of him for calling his grandma and protecting his sisters. Michelle is lucky she stayed at Sharons, cause i'd have bitch slapped her. But Sharon promised she would talk to Nate about his language, and Mike about his drinking. Yeah, please do. This summer will suck.

Shit hits the fan

I'm living with an idiot. And i never should have come back. What he did tonight was unexcusable, and i dont know if it can be fixed. Worse thing is, if i coould re-live it, i would hold his anger on me, not on them. Day started out okay, Brandy visiting us from her grandma's house. Lena the Loon doesnt want her staying in a house with a white woman. K, whatever. All 3 of your kids like me better anyway. About 8ish, i was going to go over to "D"'s house, but he was visiting his brother. I told everyone i was going to eat dinner with my friend, and left. D called and wanted to meet at the PG. Cool~ So i went. We were havin fun, just talking, we dont touch in that place. About 9:30 Michelle posted on Twitter: "I hate you so f***ing much" 'Cept she didn't censor it. I was worried, cause she was having trouble with her boyfriend. A few minutes later, Mike showed up at the PG. SHIT. I'm supposed to be at my friends, not at the bar. And he walked in to see me next to "D" whom he is EXTREMELY jealous. He thinks we had problems because of "D" and refuses to understand we had issues from Day 1. He played pool, but hit those balls like they had faces on them. I walked over to make sure he was okay, and he told me to get away. His voice said he was not kidding.

I went back to my corner, and watched karaoke. Mike left short after, and Dave found some blond girls to talk to. So i left. I came home and visited more with Brandy, and warned all 3 kids what a mood Mike was in. They told me why. Apparently Michelle got a little big-in-the-britches. She doesn't pay rent, but the living room is "her room." Uh, you sleep on MY couch, kid. Go there. To show off for her boyfriend, she told Mike to "F off" more than once. He was singing karaoke in OUR living room, that WE pay rent for. Hearing this, i realized that Mike wasn't mad at me being at the bar with someone else, he was mad at Michelle. And i realized Michelle has GOT to go. Wapato, Bellevue, her grandma's, i dont care. She's too much like her mom to live in this house.

Brandy and i were playing on the computer in my room, and about 2AM Mike came home. Michelle and Nate were watching a movie on the couch, and i heard him stomp up the stairs. I called to the kids to come in here, but they didnt hear. Seconds later Mike slammed open the door. He yelled at Michelle and Nate to get there asses up and get to bed. Michelle jumped back in his face, F this, F that. She was almost nose-to-nose with him, they're screaming at each other. Brandy and i are standing in the hallway, the child was shaking so bad. I called Nate over to hug her too, and he joined us. Then Michelle raised a hand like she was gonna hit Mike! He raised his hand to block it, and she screamed at him "It takes a big man to hit a little girl" So he yelled back for her to get her stuff. Sharon is taking Nate and Brandy back to Wapato tomorrow, for a month with his mom, and Mike screams at Michelle to get all her stuff cause he wants her gone. Mike kicked the coffee table, sending her laptop flying, and jerked the phone away from her ear. She was (still) talking to her boyfriend. That hung up the phone, so her boyfriend started calling back, which made mike throw the phone. Nate grabbed it, making him a target. "And you wanna talk like a man? Get the F out too! Go live with your mom forever. I hate you!" I was shocked, Brandy was crying, and Michelle's boyfriend kept calling back. Nate finally answered and told him its a family thing, stop calling. Then he called Sharon (his grandma) to come get them. Michelle stomped past us into the bedroom- she keeps all her stuff in Nate's room. Mike ran down the hall, pushing me against the wall. I followed, and michelle was packing a little bag. So mike went back to the kitchen, threw the drawers to the floor and grabbed garbage bags. He started throwing Nate AND Michelles things in the bags, screaming he'll rent out the room and be happier with just his girlfriend. WHAT??!? All three kids looked at me... shaking my head no. Nate went on the porch to watch for Sharon, and mike handed Michelle and Brandy full garbage bags of stuff. Michelle hugged me and asked "Please dont make me go back, Help me, please" I started crying at that. I promised her he wouldn't remember anything tomorrow... spend the night with grandma, you'll be okay. The girls left the garbage bags on the front porch and all 3 kids started walking. I texted Michelle to call or text when they get to their grandma's house, so i know they're safe... She still hasn't.

Idiot

I moved back. I had a whole week of damn near perfection. I hit rock bottom, cried on the floor, so weak in front of "D" i could not move without his help. And i was so ashamed, so scared he would leave me, i left him first. I fuktup the arrangements he had with his step-mom, and i came back to the house of drama. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME???

Moving Out!!!!!!!

I'VE HAD IT!!!!!  I'M DONE WITH YOUR DRINKING, LYING, SNEAKING AROUND AND TEMPER TANTRUMS!!!  I'm done being hurt physically, emotionally, FINANCIALLY, everything.

I'm writing this from my bestfriends house, which, if his step-mother agrees, will become my house too. I cant deal with Mike anymore. i cant keep leaning on Tinman, and family to vent. I can only vent so long, before i must do something. I love his kids, but they can no longer be the reason i stay. Last night (D) and  i had a loooong talk, and i know he loves me, and i love him, but love is tricky. I have to know 110% that i LOVE him, and not that i have heroic love because he has always been there for me. I need to know that  me moving n with him will be a better situation for everyone, not just a convenience. I have a LOT of thinking and soul-searching ahead of me.

GONE!!!

I MOVED OUT! I still have to go get my stuff, but i did it! Mike left me at the Saigon for the LAST time. $4 drinks sound like a good idea unless you're a RAGING FUKTUP ALCOHOLIC BASTARD! But i digress. He got drunk, said some things and took off. And i didnt follow. Come on guys, he just got free money... where do you think he was? So i stayed and visited with Tinman and George, doing karaoke, talking, having fun and not worrying. No, i was worrying, but obviously not as much as i should have been. Karaoke ended about midnight, and i took Tinman home. First we stopped by the casino for food, noting gidget at the table. "Go low, win high!" Yeah, whatever. We had a nice dinner, and we were talking so intensly i didnt notice Mike leave. We finished up, and i went to take him home. I was planning on visiting for awhile, i didnt want the night to end. But Michelle called, whispering when i was driving. She wasn't exactly, but she was either close to it or trying to control it. So i took Tinman home, and went home.

Disaster. Mike had kicked the coffee table up over, threw the garbage can around the living room, threw Nate's xbox across the living room, threw plates (Breaking them) and food around the living room. My habit of ripping paper made the garbage in the living room look like New Years confetti. Would have been funny if we weren't in danger. He was balistic. He went in the bedroom and threw hair cream at my computer. 3 keys smashed and broke off, the hair cream splattered across the keyboard, and his dresser. He threw our mattress up against the wall, jumped up and down on the boxspring, breaking it. I kept telling him to calm down, he's scaring everyone. He called me a whore, and a slut, screaming he thought i was different. I turned to leave, and Michelle was standing right there. Great. So i'm out, staying with my bestfriend.  God help me, i needed this.

His step-mom said i can stay, and pay rent. I cant pay anything this month, i know i'm in trouble cause i cant stay here if i dont earn my way. I have to figure something out...

Tinman

Well, i promised i would write about him, but most of what i want to write, i can't. Or should i say, i won't. In one of my writings, i promised to never go back, never re-read what i wrote, and never censor myself. Yeah, well, i was also taught the 5th amendment, roughly stating that i refuse to say anything that can get my ass in trouble. I stand behind that.

He's the cutest, no- sexiest man i've had the pleasure of. Meeting, that is. Dark hair, dark eyes...but that doesn't do it. And describing his looks wont tell you why i like him, that's not me. He's charming. He is the first person i can always call on in an emergency (See last post- my window is proof!) He has the ability to calm me down, even in the worst panic attacks. I slipped last December, outing my crush on him. i actually slipped that i wanted him to come see me at work. And he didn't think less of me. I even showed him my arm, and he wasn't mad, angry, or disgusted. He was...worried. Sympethetic, even.


I went to his house so he could borrow something. We sat in my car for TWO HOURS and just talked. All the crap that i've been going thru, i seriously want to just go back to Aziz. We've talked, and it wont be hard. I'll miss my mom and family, and it wont be the same as Sweden, and i KNOW it will suck, but it beats living on mom's couch, or putting up with Mike, non-communication, Michelle not doing SHIT, nate and his spoiled-world-owes-me attitude.

Granted, my life doesn't suck, i have friends, and my family and i appriciate each other more. But why am i hurting myself to please this idiot? And he just listened. He's heard it from Mike directly, when he bragged about me at the bar. Yeah, i treat him, and others like i would like to be treated. Like i was treated, in my car. Okay, that sounds bad. But seriously, for TWO HOURS, i just talked and talked, all this shit bottled up. He just kept listening. He stood up for Mike even, giving his opinion when it was needed. I wanted to give in to my urges so bad, and when he invited me in, i thought he did too. But he was a gentleman. We sat on his bed and watched a movie... i seriously cant tell you what movie. I kept waiting for him to make a move. Nope. I wish i was braver...

Love

Haven't written with good reason. I've fallen. Hard. I was told "You know this can't go anywhere, right?" But it did. And i have absolutly no idea what to do about it. I live with Mike. I live with his kids. "D" has a rep around town, and publicly i'm still Mike's. We dont go out together anymore, but he comes home pissed off because people ask him where his girlfriend is. Why he cant just tell them, i dont know. But thru all this, "D" is there. He listens when i grumble and holds me when i cry. And i hate crying in front of people. Even my own mom. It's not like we can have a normal relationship, can we? Go out together, sleep together, do things together?

Names!

Well, he messed up. The idiot that broke into my car. He stole an entire book of checks, which my bank immediatly cancelled. (Thank you AlaskaUSA!) For "legal reasons" ( I know, WTF, right? What about MY rights??) I cant post his name. But what he did was extremely slick. SOMEHOW he typed his name above mine on the check, making it look absolutly legit. He used 3 seperate checks at QFC in Federal Way, and printed reciepts (I love the internet!) show that he was NOT carded, which police tell me means he is most likely a frequent shopper there. If you see a customer alot, you're less likely to ask for ID when he writes a check. On each occasion, dude bot over 200$ in food and got 20$ cash back. Again, police believe he was buying food for a friend, or just selling it for money. Either way, they have a name, and they will keep me posted, as i will too! =)

Friends

Last Sunday my car was broken into. I had mixed sleeping pills with too much to drink, and Mike drove home. Why didn't we leave his truck? I dunno. But we went back Monday to get my car, and found my passenger side window smashed in. They took the WEIRDEST things- my medical records, my car registration, my PO Box key. By looking, you cant tell its a PO BOX key, and even if you can... you dont know my number. Idiot. But this event showed me who my true friends are. Mike wanted to go to DSHS so he was ready to leave. I texted Tinman, my brother, and my mom... Nobody texted back. Imagine my surprise when no less than 5 minutes later, Tinman SHOWED UP. Seriously. And Mike left.  Hmmm... there goes your friend-of-the-year award.  Thank goodness it was the beginning of the month, i had money. Tinman suggested calling salvage yards for windows, and he had a friend that may be able to help. I called Jay-Bo cause any car problem, i always call Jay. Its my unspoken rule. Jay said he'd do it for 200 dollars. This is roughly what a professional would charge, and Tinman had Rick, who would do it for 50. So we went with Rick. I called salvage yards and found a window for 50 bucks, and Tinman, Mike and i went. The boys each found a taurus to work on, and i stood back and tried to stay out of the way.They got the window out, and Tinman called Rick. This guy came down and worked until 1AM to fix my window. Took the door apart, and the window was just 1/4cm too big. seriously. He worked and re-worked the window ledge/metal pulley-thingy but could not get it to fit. Went back today after a few days of sucky weather, and Rick tried again. You know the final piece it took to fix my window? This poor guy spent hours with lube, screws, pliers, all these different tools... it was plastic handcuffs. Yup, just simple plastic handcuffs, that happened to be in Tinman's room. I dont want to know why... :-\   

YEAH FOR FRIENDS!!!!!

April...

Lets see if i can summerize all of April into one blog. I doubt it. I'd like to say i haven't written because there has been nothing to write about, but thats just not true. Fact is, there is so MUCH to write about, where to begin stymies me. How about friends? Thats always a good place to start, if you have any. I'm lucky enough that I do.

When i was 16, due to some family issues, i had to say good-bye to my bestfriend Wes. When i was 21, we crossed paths again, but we had nothing in common, and my boyfriend at the time was a control-freak, so the friendship didn't re-kindle. But this time, we're all older, more mature, and my boyfriend doesn't give a damn what i do, as long as he gets to have a girlfriend. (More on this later...)  Wes is cool, he's a computer GENIUS. He's quiet, but when you get him to open up a little, he'll keep the smile on your face.

Tom... I miss Tom. In fact, Tom and Mike are so much alike, Tom is the reason i started talking to Mike. Seriously... I was talking to Tom, who lives in Missouri, and telling him about the Performance. The next night, there is this guy at the PG (Performance Grill) that i've never met before. This isn't unusal, but i swear i KNEW this guy. I called Tom, no answer... I sent hom a text, to see what this guy at the table would do... I was CONVINCED this guy was Tom. Finally, Tom answered, but i didn't see the new guy touch his phone, so i knew he wasn't Tom.  Why do i say i miss Tom, then? Because he shared something of mine, a secret that i dont tell people. I thought i could trust him, and he did what he did out of friendship, but it hurt too deep. After i confronted him, he told me he had told his friends, family, and emailed some facebook friend of mine, which lost me THAT friend. I'm not ashamed of my secret, but it's not the kind of thing society smiles at.

Mike- The guy at the bar? That looked and was as quiet as Tom? Mike. Not "My Mike- AKA Mikey." No... Mike. He's another genuis. He plays it down, but i've lost at pool enough time to know better. He's a mathmagician. Yes, Math-magician. He's magic with math. Keep up people! =) I'm still getting to know him, but he's a sweetheart, and always asks if i need a ride home, just in case.

Mikey and i are still having trouble, but i have a new bestfriend to lean on. To protect his identity, i'll call him by his stage name: Tinman. Our friendship started thru karaoke, he was just another one of Mike's friends at the bar. Except everytime Mike left me to go to the casino, Tinman was there to make sure i got safe, until i got smart enough to start taking my own car. We've been thru so much together, he deserves his own posting... Wait for it, it'll come soon. But thru it all, ups and downs, we're bestfriends. For now. LoL

I say for now, because i have a bad habit of not keeping bestfriends. Matt is the perfect example. And look how that ended up. Suppossedly he's coming back into town... There's no compitition between Tinman and Matt, but many many comparisons. They both warned me not to fall for em, i will get hurt... I did. Both taught me different genres of movies, and music. Both understood about social phobia, and other problems. I could go on, but i wont...Yet. =)  It's coming, just wait.

So, thats friends. Now, family. Not too much new on the family front- i tend to not visit as much as i should, simply because here's how a visit goes: G meets me at the door... G follows me around around bitching about C, M, D, S, A, J, or anybody else in that house. In case you are severly slow... my family has rteal names, i'm only using letters to signify who they are. Gotcha? K. Now... G follows me around as i do laundry, or go into M's room to visit, causing M to put on headphones and end the visit. I'll find C watching TV, but when G follows me talking, C cant hear TV, gets mad and leaves, giving G more reason to bitch. I get it, G is lonely. But come up with something POSITIVE. Or at least put a positive spin on it??  Sorry... i think this is where i try to stay positive, cause if people thought of me the way people think of G; i'd slap myself.

So, thats April. I'll post about Tinman next, simply cause i have so many jumbled thoughts about him. And i will TRY TRY TRY to post more. You can always comment, or drop an email and i will update. Ask questions, get answers, stuff like that.  =)  KEEP SMILING!!!

Back in town...

Matt's back. He posted to say hello, and we should get together sometime. I'm seriously grateful he doesn't know where i live. Not because he's dangerous, but because i have a new bestfriend, one that appriciates me. And yet i know myself. I'll go broke helping him, ruin friendships and family to help him. I can think back and remember good times, and better remember the bad times. I sent a message to Cynthia, and apparently he's been talkin shit down there, too. Kevin and Allen were right. I pity him, because his wife loved him and he messed up. I loved him, and he messed up. Cynthia LOVED LOVED LOVED him, TWICE!!! and he messed up. Some people need to come with permanent warning labels.

Numbers cant lie

i cant lie and say it doesn't hurt, because i really thought it was the medication holding me back. What am i talking about? Babies. Okay- stop rolling your eyes, this is important to me. I stopped taking ALL medication, anti-depressants, included, thinking it was lowering my progesterone. Turns out, it wasn't. Without hormones, without any help, my body naturally does NOT make progesterone. My exact number is 0.25.    What does this mean? Well, a 9 year old girl, before puberty is 0.30. And it goes UP from there. So my body thinks i'm a child.

Whats my next step? I dont know yet- i'll keep you updated...

Full moon or what??

Looking at the calandar, we're still a week and a half away from a full moon. But something is in the air for my friends and myself, and its not pretty. I'll start Chronologically, since then nobody can claim i favorited them. My friend Steve was fired for sexual harrassment. Now, i know Steve. So i know it's true. Dude's a horndog that would hit on your grandmother if given half a chance. Then my friend Allen lost his roommate, Kevin. Kevin moves out just about every other month, so this was not a surprise. Except he did this after Allen lost his job (bad week for Allen, really.) and they had no money for rent. So I help Allen move when he lost his apartment. This was bittersweet- he gave me some stuff from when i was sleeping on his couch last year, with my (at that time bestfriend Matt.) It's doubtful i'll ever see Matt again- conflicting stories tell me he's on 2 different sides of the country. He's good, but he's not THAT good. I might see Kevin, but only if he wants. I didn't see what everybody else saw, that Kevin had feelings that went deeper than friendship. He shows up @ The Performance Grill for karaoke every now and then, but Allen shows up more. I worry about all 3 of them. 

My friend Mendy found out the worst way possible that her husband cheated. AGAIN. She was pregnant last Summer, on her 21st birthday. She couldn't drink, so she stayed home to pay bills. (seriously.) She was going thru her T-mobile bill, and discovered her husband was talking to another number regularly, did some sluething and, involving half us Walgreener's, she confronted the other woman. Things died down, unfortunately, the stress (or something- cause Dr's NEVER really know) caused a miscarriage.

My friend Tom could be caught in a double whammy- he couldn't (maybe didn't want to) get out of jury duty, and on the way home from day 1, his car quit on him. Didn't make it to the repair shop before closing, but he thinks its the transmission. Keepin my fingers crossed for him, thats for sure.

My friend Tinman is hurting; his brother was arrested today. Turned himself in to get the best deal. Dont know what he did; not my business, but my hugs are with that family. And his 8 month old daughter.

Mike got a blow and a half, too. We filed and recieved our taxes early, and split the refund 50/50. And he's SHOOTING thru his.  If i EVER hear the words "Daaaad...buy me ____, take me _____, lets go/do something" again, i'll go postal. Lets go to the Park? We live ONE MILE away from auburn's biggest park! Nope. Too cold/dark/wet/far. Lets walk the Supermall? Sure! Got money? Idiots.   Whoa-- back on track here....  anyway, Mike has been going thru this money like he had more coming- he thought he did. Unemployment. He was fired same day as i, December 4. Each week, i file his claim for him, and last week they called to tell us the paperwork was on its way. And today he heard... Denied. I hid the alcohol. He was looking for his 5th of rum at 3 in the afternoon, and it would have been UGLY if i hadn't hidden em all.  Rum makes him mad. Mad on top of mad, with 2 teenagers that want to spend money he just lost? No. NONONONONONONO. I rubbed his feet till he fell asleep, and rubbed his back as he had bad dreams.

My mothers problems run into mine, sort of. We don't talk like mother and daughter, haven't really since i was 18. Last time we talked, she called to say she was at the store, buying me something cause it was on sale and would bring it down. Didn't hear from her the rest of the day. Next day, my phone rings, nobody there.  I call back- mom answers. It was the baby she watches that called. I hung up; we haven't spoken since today, when she texted that she needs 500 dollars to get stuff out of the pawn shop. WFT can you have in a pawnshop for 500 bucks?!!  Oh, 5 DIFFERENT things. Lets see... Where's my dead brothers diamond earrings? Oh, you lost those last year to hawk? Hmm... where's his gold necklace? Same?? Wow. Um... where's the very special engraved Mother's Ring, with our names, and birthstones?  Again, lost to hawk over the past year? Wow... STOP F***ING PAWNING STUFF!!!!  I told her to find her slips and I will get the stuff out. Nope- she wants me to give her the money. Which is one of two things. Either she doesn't have 500 dollars worth in the pawnshop, and will pocket the extra, OR she doesn't want me to know what she pawned. Either way, she decided to risk the chance of this stuff being on the shelf until Friday, instead of telling me so i could go pick it up for her.

So- thats my update, and i know i say this everytime, but i will post more!!  REMIND ME!!!  =)

Fired

Why was I fired, you may wonder? Well, i have butted heads with Michelle since she was transferred to our store. Everybody has- Michelle herself will be the first to tell you she has NO personal skills. On this particular day, our store was getting ready for the holiday rush, and we had 2 undercover policemen walking around our store. They were there mainly to catch shoplifters, since Christmas brings out the best in people. But along with the stress of having undercover cops there (even the employees didn't know who they were; and they would change daily so as not to attract suspicion.) we had the store manager, district manager, and loss prevention manager there. All employees were a little tense, it was a Friday which is truck day, ad with that many managers, you dont talk. You WORK. Well my friend, who shall remain nameless, loves to talk. About his wife, financial worries, everything. Michelle had already warned him to work not talk. Then she busted him again for talking. She was in aisle 2, and i was unloading baby supplies in aisle 3 when i overheard her talking about him.  "If it was up to me, he wouldn't be working in my store!" So i walked around the corner, and, without even thinking, said "Michelle, if it were up to me, you wouldn't be alive!"  Big oops. Cause she was talking to the 3 managers. Crap. I was pulled back into the office so fast my shadow couldn't keep up. I had to fill out paperwork saying why i said what i did, and was given a 5 WORKING days suspension.  I say working days because i had cut back to part time, and was only working Thurs thru Sun. So in actuality, my suspension was 2 weeks. About a week into it, i received a paystub in the mail. Checking my bank account, i had a larger amount than i expected. I called to see what this was about, and was told i was no longer employed. Damn. They cleaned out my locker and mailed me my stuff. That was that.

Christmas 2009

As far back as i can remember, i haven't been the same person 2 Christmases in a row. Could be the personality disorder, could be just growing up.

In 1998, i was 18, had lost a LOT of weight, and was looking forward to the clothes i had been promised.

By 2001, the weight was back, i had lost my place in the Iraqi community, along with my husband and children, and was living out of my trunk, sleeping on my mothers couch.

2003? I was legally "mentally disabled" having tried unsuccsessfully to kill myself. 7 times.

2005 i was married, living in Sweden. Because my husband was more strict about Islam than my boyfriends, i wasn't even allowed a phone call home. This is the first year i actually MISSED them on Christmas.

2006 i was home again, but wasn't missing them so much. Had found a new boyfriend, and we had decided to make Christmas our first time we slept together. I rented a hotel for the day, and 8 hours later, had trouble walking. This relationship would stay secret.

2008 i was halfway living with my bestfriend. It was between his house, and my mother's couch, and the couch was looking less and less appealing. This was the year of awakening. I smoked pot for the first time, as a gift to him. I wanted to get drunk for the first time, but that would take more time. There was 12 inches of snow on the ground, and Matt was having a few friends over. I was honored to be one of these friends.

2009 found me without a job, but with Mike, my boyfriend that puts up with my ever-changing personality. He tells me daily that he loves me, never fails to make me smile, or laugh, or just be content.

This year, Mike and his son Nate came up to my parents and kept me from going insane. My grandmother was her normal self, finding negative things, no matter what. My family has always been a trigger which is why i try to stay away from family gatherings. I hate drama, and that household is FULL OF IT. Part of me wished i could go back to last year, sitting on Matts' bed, watching movies and hanging out.

Then we went to Mike's mom house... she's awesome. They had a gift exchange, and since Mike and i had not brought anything, we disn't get to participate. Now, this was fine with me, because i wasn't about to go in front of his family (20 people) and open a gift- i prefer to hide in the corner. Well, Sharon wasn't going to allow that; she found 2 more gifts, and wrapped them up under Mike and my name. We drew numbers, unwrapped and swapped, stole and restole till everybody had gone around the circle. it was pretty fun, and despite having brought nothing but a plate of cookies, we walked away with a foot massager, a set of glasses, an LED flashlight that Mike really needed, and, courtesy of Nathan's quick wits, a clock that we both needed and wanted. It was relaxing, and fun, and i discovered that i like spinich dip. Who knew? =)