Again??

 Well, it happened again. What happened you might be asking? I knew we were headed for a fight because the mother cannot stand to have two happy children even though that's continuously what she says. Since my brother moved home I've got nothing but negative reports but at the same time when the mother and I weren't talking she was telling Sean bad things about me. So, here we go.

I got new insurance through Medicare and they needed all my blood work and all my testing and everything and they needed it ASAP. I'm assuming that's so they can charge me more but that's neither here nor there. I told the mother that I needed my car back because she's had it for a year and a half and the only reason she had it was because she needed to get around with Sean being gone. She had her doctor's appointments and I wasn't using the car so why not let her, right? Didn't hurt anybody. Until, like I said, I got new insurance and they needed everything tested. Made an appointment for my eyes, ears, my yearly exam with my doctor Etc in fact, the only thing I didn't need checked was my teeth and that's basically because they're in a garbage can somewhere in Federal Way.

I wanted the appointments to all be within the same week because then I can do my appointments and she can have the car back so she can continue to cancel her appointments. I mean she cancels them because she doesn't have money for testing and yet somehow vodka shows up at Walmart. Again, another Rabbit Hole I'm not going to go down yet.

It still hurts to move and I'm leaning on Mike for more and more but I have to be careful because he started drinking again which aggravates his ulcers. That has nothing to do with me so I leave my opinion out of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him drinking but he's not driving my car so I have no opinion on this.

So I told the mother that I needed my car back at least for a couple of days because I had somehow, by the grace of God gotten all of my appointments all four appointments in 3 days. I got my yearly exam I got my vision I got my ears and I got my diabetic full body scan. That was fun, being stuck in a tube that clicks loud loud loud. Not fun.

Mike had taken me because I'm still very afraid of falling. Even with my cane it's a little wobbly and if I fall it's really going to hurt and it's really going to take more muscle than I have to get up. So I'm very careful to always have somebody with me, the mother and Mike don't have to be reminded of my anxieties, they know and they know what I can and cannot do. Two weeks ago I woke up and I had a text from the mother with a picture of the receipt saying Tabs are due. Okay, cool. She said she would buy the tabs I said please do not by the tabs she said she's going to buy the tabs and we went round and round. Two weeks ago I woke up and she said all of my stuff was in my car my car was in my driveway and I need to take Grandma's name off of the car because if something happens apparently the mother thinks she's still liable. I'm thinking she needs to look up Washington state law but, that's usually what she calls me to do and I can tell by the attitude coming through in the texts that she's not about to ask me a thing except when am I going to come get this car because she's sick of me holding it over her like it's the only car in the universe. I don't care if she drives the car grandma did not and would not care if she drives the car the only person Grandma does not want driving the car? Yeah my brother, Shawn. And that's only because he drives drunk that's only because he drives like well like he's the only car in the universe. If Grandma didn't have a problem with him driving she would have said something and she didn't. In fact she said the opposite. She does not under any circumstances want him driving her car at that point my name was not on the car and according to the mother all her, she made the final choice, she made all the decisions when it came to that car. Explain to me this then? Why didn't she go to the DOL to put her name on the car or both of our names on the car? Grandma and I had talks about the car and my cousin Carrie does not have a car and it made more sense to like Carrie use the car. Except, Carrie is the kind of person who does not put insurance on vehicles and is she got pulled over she's going to let the police officer know where he can go and how he can get there. So I was second possibly third because let's face it Grandma had a lot of grandkids. I didn't mind but with Medicare you can only have so many assets and my mother is telling anybody that will listen that she is the executor. She's the executor of the will, the executor of all of Grandma's things, the executor of God above if she had her way.

So, back to the text that I got almost 3 weeks ago. Mike and I had errands to run, I had mapped everything out so that he could run in and do his things return to the truck, go up and get my medication and things and then return to the truck pick up my car from the mother's house and come home. We're both out of the house, we're both getting our stuff done and with the minimalist amount of pain possible. I got dressed and was tying my shoes and Mike went out to warm up his truck. He came back in about a minute later and told me that my car was in the parking lot. My little blue Lightning That was supposed to be at the mother's house was sitting in my driveway. No warning, no hey are you home, no nothing nada. About 10 minutes later she sends me a text with a picture of a TV that Sean has given to Mike. I still think this was a wonderful gift, I was told that Sean had four TVs and just decided to give one to Mike.

I don't know how long my car was out there but I do know that she wanted me to know under no uncircumstances that she had cleaned the steering wheel and the radio panel but Sean scrubbed the car. He vacuumed it he scrubbed it and I was really grateful because it does look nice! It has that brand new look to it and I sent him a thank you. My only complaint is that if I knew they were coming, I've got Christmas gifts and I could have given them to Shawn. But that's okay because I have my car, the mother is happy my brother is happy, so far we're doing good. And then...

I was told that Shawn did all the cleaning,  and I let her know I had thanked him and really the car looked super nice.  I was thinking maybe Shawn could get a job with JC, but before I could put that idea out the mother told me how disappointed she was in me,  again,  and it's better if we part ways and she doesn't want my car in her driveway again.  I told her this was not an airport and she didn't have to tell me she was departing.  She told me she was still departing and that maybe we should just not talk anymore. She said she took her name off the shared Walmart account, and we hung up. 

It's been 3 weeks,  no contact.  I'm not sorry,  I'm not even hurt.  Oddly enough,  I miss my dad. I do pray that if something happens to somebody in the blue house that I'll at least get the phone call. But last time when my dad beat the s*** out of my mom, I had to find out by looking up his name on Google. I guess if there's a good thing to be pulled out of all this, it's brought Mike and I closer together. He's hugging me and he's there when I'm crying because the motherhas shown again and again that we're there is smoke, there is fire. And where there's fire it's automatically my fault. So this time, I have erased her name and the phone number and email from all of my Outlets. Having bipolar is bad enough, but when your own mother thinks everything  negative, it's heartbreaking.

Happy 2026?

Im not quite sure what happened...I know i needed to update dr labs, make an eye appointment, ear appointment, and go talk to my dr. I also knew it would take getting my car back, because my mom had her appointments and mike had his, so i would either need an uber or i need my car back. I tried to explain this to my mom, as shes been using my car. i let her use it for a YEAR AND A HALF. I have the text that says "You can cencel your insurance, im covered under any car i drive." Well, thats nice for you, but...your insurance wont cover my car, by your own words, unless you are on the title. No problem, right? But i still need a ride- 4 rides actually, and i dont have a driver. My mom had her appointments that she'll cancel, but my insurance is crawling in my window because its new an they want a baseline for future tests. So, i let my mom know, and the heavens opened up. She keeps acting like im asking for money, or hiding a dead body. She did do a favor for me, kind of. I kept asking Mike to take me to get my car, because he has a follow up on his surgery. I had  to make an appointment to pee in a cup, give blood, visit my dr and stop by the eye dr to drop off new insurance. 

I told my mom about needing my car, and OMG you'd think id ask her to chop off an arm. I swear, all i need was the car. i rescheduled my vision, hearing and peeing in a cup, having no transportation. I should be mad, but get this... She went off on me! Like- all of a sudden i invented hell and shawn was oh so wonderful. He gave Mike a nice TV, he cleaned and vaccummed the car (and it looks GREAT!) and my mom brought my car down. I can only imagone that conversation... how horrible i am for not putting the car in her name. 

She gets paid at the end of the month and i get paid at the beginning. She pays her bills, and i pay mine. I dont borrow money, because im working with a credit card company and watch every penny. I called DoL in Olympia, to find out how much it will cost to switch grandma off the car and put my mom on. Ive called 3 different times, and been on hold so long i felt my blood pressure rise. Finally i just sent an email. I let my mom know, and we waited. This would have been a good time to talk about who's paying what- 50/50? But anytime anybody brings up the car, things get tense. Does she think im holding the keys over her head like a treat? I never wanted that!!

Its not like i purposfully made appointments to piss her off. New health insurance needs them. Luckily i dont need a gyno again, that was not a fun time.   

So, my parents 43rd anniversary was the 25th and they celebrated by getting an airbnb and relaxing in the mountains. They did this last year and she loved and hated it. My dad plays on his phone, and she  for a walk, but they didnt get to do things together. You know, like married couples do? I was waiting to see if she had a good time, fingers crossed. 

Shawn has a 2025 tv hes going to give to mike. So...hows this: Mike and i go up to their house, get that tv, get the car, my mom even has bags of aluminum cans for mike. If i could coodinate all these things, i would feel... better, my to-do list and all it entails smushed into 1 thing. I can do that, right? 

Enter mom. i had told her about all the appointments, wanting to make sure nothing overlapped, and she knew all was clear. Here's where it gets ugly. =(

She and i have been going round and round about the tabs. I have 1 income, and a carefully balanced budget. She has 1 income but uses that for 3 adults and 2 dogs to feed and take care of. Id rather she not take care of me- i know its done in love but my dad gives her such grief, and with Shawn there, i want to ease her load, not add to it. 

So round and round about the tabs, and she actually sent me a picture showing that she bought them. Because the car is in grandmas name as well, anything to do with the car goes to my moms address. No problem, really. I woke up wednesday and it had snowed! We had a dry winter but the little bit was so pretty. 

Mike was outside crunching around in it and told me my car was here. huh? I got dressed, took my meds, did my morning routine, etc. When i saw i had a text from my mom, telling me she dropped my car off and a picture of the new tabs, still in envelope. 

I had to pull my car back into our spot, she had parked in Alan's spot. So i went down to move my car-- it was so so clean! She vacummed and wiped it down, it still even had a nice girly smell, like new car smell. I told Mike he should grab the tv because if someone sees it, they may break a window or worse and my insurance doesn't kick in until April 1st. I sent my mom a big thank you, i knew she wouldnt hurt the car but it really looked nice! I texted her thank you for the tabs, and for such a clean car and she made it quite clear that Shawn cleaned and vacummed and she didnt know why. She even told him to pawn the tv. 

A few hours go by, and i had somehow forgotten that everything is fodder when it comes to my mom. Dont dare tell her something that you dont want thrown back in your face. Me? Ive been wanting to go back to church, but having no car has been a hassle. i can zoom in, but its not the same. My mom offered to take me but the rain makes the porch slippery and i cant walk on a good day! I also have been fighting an eternal struggle with my pastor, and passed my worries onto my mom. 

Me and my stupid mistakes! 

My pastor is awesome, truly. He helped me work thru my guilt about Islam, he baptised me- he really has helped me. When it comes to politics however, hes well read, and knows what hes talking about, while i pay attention to what i like. Pastor said something political that i (and many people) didnt agree with, and i was talking about this comment to my mom. So guess what got thrown back in my face out of the blue? Yeah. Apparently im not Christian, who knew? <Insert Charlie Kirk comment here?>

Apparently she did. And because i had confided in her, i guess she needed to throw it back in my face, letting me know its not my pastors fault im a horrible Christian. Yep, i have a lovely text from my mother telling me this. 

I have so many saved texts, im going to take screenshots and reset my phone.

Been awhile

 2 years ago my mom needed to borrow my car to go to the doctor. Absolutely no problem, except I didn't get my car back. In fact it's been 2 years, and I still don't have it back. Not that I go places, but it would be nice if I could.

 Church, doctor appointments, Etc. Since tomorrow is my parents anniversary and they have their own car I had a good feeling that with nobody there to babysit him my little brother would take my car. That was the one rule that Grandma had, he was not to drive the car because he drives like an idiot. 

So my parents are going up into an Airbnb and going to spend three or four days to celebrate the anniversary of my mom liking my dad for the day. Never mind that yesterday she wanted a divorce and she hates that he comes home and does the dishes and yada yada.

I'm careful when Brandy comes over with her babies because I know it hurts my mom that she will never be a grandmother. Unfortunately, she's thinking of a negative. Because when I was with Iman she had grandkids when I was with Matt she had grandkids and now that I'm with Mike if she chose she could have grandkids. At this point she's had got two great-grandkids and another on the way!

But since it's not her blood, she doesn't look at it as hers. Oh max? Yeah, Max was definitely her grandson and I'm pretty sure if Alexis shows up with the new baby she'll accept that baby is her own and I shouldn't care because she's happy she gets grandkids but it does hurt a little bit. So I don't get to tell her that I have the cutest little babies in my house over the weekend and I don't get to tell her any of the fun things even though she has given Frankie for Tonka cars but that gets us started on Brian Weber which gets us started on the negative path. From Weber we have Brian Ashcraft who thought he was the s*** yada yada and then from Brian Ashcraft we have well, we just have a mess it's really not worth going into because they were Michael's friends and Michael's been gone for almost 20 years. Although every now and then she does throw it back in my face that she'll never have grandkids but Sean gave you two and I've given you like seven, so you not having grandkids is not our problem.

So, 2 weeks ago, I had medication to pick up, and an eye doctor to go to. Diabetes is no joke, and I'm careful with my neuropathy and pain in my legs. I'm not in a hurry to have any appendages cut off!

I can't walk normally. I asked Mike to take me to the hospital to give blood, because I got new insurance and they are testing everything from A to Z and back again. Not nearly as fun as it sounds! But me and my Supreme walking skills? Yeah... I fell out of the wheelchair, onto my wrist, hip and floor.  The nurse had to call for help because my entire right side was numb. Here comes 2 nurses that helped me back into the wheelchair, as I was trying not to cry from embarrassment and praying Mike's labs were done and we could go and go fast. 

That night I got my test results and a note from my doctor saying that I had waited too long and the tests were who owned to use. Not quite sure how, but that's what he said and no I have to go get blood again. Not only do I have to give blood, I have to pee in a cup, he wants special lab work for kidney failure and a colonoscopy, plus we have to go through all my medications so that my insurance company can tell me if they cover meds or if we have to play around and find out a medication that works for me.

I asked my mom when I made the appointment if she could take me. I know she has lots of appointments coming up and her doctor wants blood work as well. It sucks that our doctors aren't closer because then I could just go with her or she could just go with me but that's not how our lives work.

So, today is February 24th tomorrow is my parents anniversary and I thought they were leaving for there and then day because my dad usually doesn't get off work until 2:00. But! Tomorrow is Wednesday the 25th which is their actual anniversary and I guess they want to get an early start. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow vision test on Thursday a hearing test on Friday it's going to be a very busy week. Unfortunately I don't get to have a busy week because I made the mistake of asking for my car. And I'm not quite sure what opened that dragon's mouth but all of a sudden she's buying my tabs she's vacuumed out my car there's a mold spot that grandma would just be devastated to see. On and on and I couldn't believe that she was saying these things to me because I never asked her to buy the tabs, I will be returning them let Washington State take that money, I don't want to be beholden to anything and she somehow seems to think that I hold my car over her head. I don't quite understand because if you're not going to drive it, give it back. It's a car it's not a toy.

We haven't had a fight in a while and the things that came out of her mouth tell me that I don't want to talk to her for a while. I have had my by my side and he hasn't complained. He doesn't laugh at me but he makes me laugh. And I don't get to tell her that because I don't want to hurt her in any way. But I feel like the things that I tell her she's taking stuff and that's not normal for a relationship.

So for now I will just go about with my day and my appointments and things that I have to do and it's going to put yet another day in this fight but I really don't care anymore. She's fighting with me because she doesn't have shawn  and she doesn't have Sean because she doesn't like Liz. So you want to sit and complain about the grandkids you don't have? Say goodbye to the kids that you do.

My sister?!?!!

Okay, I hope I'm not getting scammed because this would throw me over the edge. But I just got a message from.. my sister! She's coming into town just for a day and wants to finally meet. If this is a scam I swear to everything holy I will find them and I will beat them and then I will feed them to all my mom's pitbulls. They like raw meat. If this is real, this is a dream I have been dreaming for 30 years. Of course I said yes so now I just have to wait on pins and needles for 2 weeks. Do I get excited or wait and see if this is some weird scam? Oh screw it, I'm going to get excited! I wish I had someone to be excited with.

Marlena would love this, unfortunately I need to be a little bit selfish and continue to stay away from her. Mike won't give a damn, and my mom will consider it treason of some sort. She has wanted me to talk to my sister but I don't think she thought we would ever meet. And where will we meet? If we go to her house or to any Denny's, then my mom will really have something to light that fuse. But it's not like they can just come here, because I don't want to be 100% selfish and not let my sister her other family too. And do I tell her why I am uncomfortable around all people? Do I tell her why Helen is a sore spot in my life? Not only because my mom's memories but because when Papa was dying she still didn't reach out. I think I'm going to keep that to myself until we see how this plays out. I would hate to put a cloud over any visitation just because of my past and my mother's past. It's going to be hard enough explaining why I'm allergic to people. Holy crap, I'm going to meet my sister!! My heart is going 3,000 Beats per minute and it's pure happy excitement so I'm just going to chalk this one up to we'll see what happens and hopefully everybody's happy and family can mean good things again.

I have so many questions and the funny/ironic thing is neither one of us new Ed. My dad was his best friend, his sister was my dad's girlfriend, so we're both of my uncles and my younger uncle on a dare but we won't go there just yet. I'm scared to meet her but I want to know this woman that my mom hates so much. I mean, I get why she hates her because I despise Emad's wife,  but that's not exactly the same. My mom looks at my dad like a trophy, something to be one. And they've been married for 43 years so I guess you could say she did win. So why does she continue to feel my head with these stories about when they were 15, 16, 17 years old? My head is spinning and if I continue writing I won't go into this visit with an open heart.

Maybe they can meet Helen for lunch and I'll take her out for dinner? But I don't want it obvious that I'm avoiding Helen. Yeah, I need to power down my electronics and just do some thinking for a while. Wish me luck on what to do!

The absolute 100% most important thing? I'm meeting my sister! My sister my sister my sister!!

Annie

 Val's girlfriend Annie passed away today. She's been battling Huntingtons for as long as I know her which is 15 years but they told me back then she wasn't going to make it 6 months so she's a fighter! 

The past 3 days have been hell because she can't eat and when the Val gives her Ensure she just throws it up. The chaplain's been out there and hospice has been out there. Val has been in touch with me but not Mike because we all know what Mike's going to do when he hears the news.

Ironically Mike called in sick today and about 2:00 Val called and told him to get out there, now is the time. About 15 minutes later Val texted me that she was gone. According to what I can find out Mike has texted his kids so that's a plus. I know he's hurting but I also know that he's going to leave his brother's house and, well, not come straight home.

 I'm hurting a little bit because Mike hasn't contacted me at all which is pathetic to be sad about considering, but he knows that I liked Annie and wouldn't it be considerate to get a phone call or a text? But he's made it clear over the past few months that he and I are no longer he and I. I'll try to post if they plan a celebration of life because I know I won't be invited. Again, Petty as hell but that's how I feel right now.  Val has kept me up to date but not Mike.