happy valentines day 2024

 

My Valentine this year started Monday even though Valentine's was on a Wednesday. On Monday Mike was at the bar pretty late as per use on Mondays but this time before he left the bar he texted me do I want him to bring me home something? He said they have good tacos salad and he knows that's my favorite so I said yes! He said this was my Valentine's Day dinner. 

So I was extremely surprised on Tuesday when he tried to sneak me in a balloon and a dozen red roses! Normally we don't do Valentine's Day because our anniversary is so close but a girl gots to love flowers in a balloon right? And they are beautiful! 

But after he got home from work on Wednesday and I gave him my Valentine's present which was a heated back massager we didn't really talk. Well, kind of. I made lasagna and salad for him because he always cooks for me and then he went in and took a bath. When he got out of the bath he was naked and wiggling all over the place but he was in a good mood so I just ignored the naked. That was the last time I saw him that night. 

He went into the living room and watched TV for about an hour and then he went to bed. I asked him if he wanted company, and he made some weird noise but... it's a question if you don't answer it I'm not going to assume. He knows this, and he knows how much it hurts me when he just makes some weird sounds instead of answering me. 

But about a half an hour later I did hear his phone beep and I knew he was texting somebody. I waited to see if he was texting me or maybe his brother because Val is very depressed today. I checked what I know and how I know it and I felt ice hit my heart. He was texting Veronica, making sure she had a good Valentine's Day. He did not text either one of his daughters or his mom or anybody else, just her, just the one that I had to remind him and her that it's inappropriate to speak the way they were speaking to each other.

 Now I'm looking at these flowers and this balloon and my heart hurts because I thought we were past all this but I guess not. Happy Valentine's Day. 😔 

Annie

 Val's girlfriend Annie passed away today. She's been battling Huntingtons for as long as I know her which is 15 years but they told me back then she wasn't going to make it 6 months so she's a fighter! 

The past 3 days have been hell because she can't eat and when the Val gives her Ensure she just throws it up. The chaplain's been out there and hospice has been out there. Val has been in touch with me but not Mike because we all know what Mike's going to do when he hears the news.

Ironically Mike called in sick today and about 2:00 Val called and told him to get out there, now is the time. About 15 minutes later Val texted me that she was gone. According to what I can find out Mike has texted his kids so that's a plus. I know he's hurting but I also know that he's going to leave his brother's house and, well, not come straight home.

 I'm hurting a little bit because Mike hasn't contacted me at all which is pathetic to be sad about considering, but he knows that I liked Annie and wouldn't it be considerate to get a phone call or a text? But he's made it clear over the past few months that he and I are no longer he and I. I'll try to post if they plan a celebration of life because I know I won't be invited. Again, Petty as hell but that's how I feel right now.  Val has kept me up to date but not Mike.

I hate my birthday

 What is it about having a birthday at the beginning of the month that means it's going to be a shitty birthday? When I was younger,  my birthday came before the check of the month,  so I guess as a baby I was shorted. Growing up I would get books,  books,  books! Also I knew what I was getting for Christmas... I would get a cd player for birthday,  cds for Christmas.  Vcr for birthday,  movies for Christmas.  So not to bad,  right? Help me understand what happened,  then...

About a week ago Shawn's newest mistake showed up from Arizona and she's going to stay for "the holidays" (Thanksgiving,  Christmas,  new years,  4th of July?? Don't ask my parents,  it's not like it's their house or anything. ) No real set time zone and how in the hell is this chick making money to support my brother, get a new apartment,  and take time off whatever job she's got? Claims to be doordash but that seems shay to me...

But I digress. Things got heated in the house and Lizzy's sister-in-law had a heart attack so they pushed everything into the car and left this Saturday after Thanksgiving. Which kind of put a damper on Sunday being as it was my birthday. 

Nobody was in the mood to celebrate, not that we celebrate anymore anyway, but I was hoping for some "happy birthdays"!. 

Truthfully, the important people remembered. Windsong and a bunch of people on Facebook wished me happy birthday. My pastor and Linda sent me a text, my Mom and Dad did text me and promise to make it up to me when things are better. Pretty sure that's what I got last year too hahaha. 

Usually Mike's family members because River's birthday is 2 days before mine but River went to Europe last month and so she got to celebrate early. I'm a little bit hurt to know that I was just a date on the calendar but I guess it is what it is. And, and keeping with his norm, not a damn thing from Mike except can you, will you come I need this, fuck. Suffice to say 44 can only get better!

Mom's birthday pt 2

Well, it didn't turn out exactly like we wanted but we both had fun. The hotel is really only about an hour's drive away so it was perfect in that sense. We got there and we got settled in the room and we had actually gotten a free upgrade because of my disability. I asked them to put me in a room close to the front door because it hurt to walk and when we walked in and I am using a walker the lady got on her computer and moved us to a closer room which happened to be the family room. It had a separate bedroom with a king size bed and a TV and then a huge living room with a couch, two chairs, a kitchen not just a kitchenette, full size refrigerator which turned out to be helpful and we were just about 20 ft from the door to the pool. 

Also because we were on the bottom floor, and the other rooms were above us it was so quiet! I would love to go back and we're  thinking about going back for a my birthday / Christmas family holiday because I think my dad would have a blast. 

But anyway so we got there and we set up our luggage and I told her to take the king size bed because this was her birthday and I wanted her to feel like a princess. Nobody spoils my mom, she works for everything she gets and I needed her to feel spoiled this weekend. So we got on our bathing suits and we hit the pool! Problem is my mom is temperature sensitive. If something is a little bit cold for her it's very very cold to the point where it almost hurts and she can't stand it. The pool was normal pool temperature which is cold at first but once you get in and you're moving it starts to warm up. But it hurt her to even stand in the shallow end because of her sensitivity. She went and got in the hot tub I think she had a great time. 

Unfortunately it didn't last. She stayed in the hot tub for about 20 minutes and then got out and was playing on her phone (still having a good time no problem) but then she went back to the room to order pizza for dinner. Which I'm not going to give the play-by-play of everything that happened because this was her weekend and she can basically do whatever she wants! 

I don't care to judge her but (I think) she was hiding a bottle and yet she was also trying to tell me that she wasn't drinking and that she stopped drinking and that she was going to go into rehab and I was proud of her except I knew none of it was true. That's all I'm going to say about that because again this was her weekend and I want her to do what she wants. 

And I think she had a really good time because she wanted to stay an extra couple of days! So I contacted the agent that helped me set up the reservation and paid for two more days and they said no problem and then she changed her mind because she wanted to be back for Shawn's birthday. All I have heard was how shawn doesn't care about her Shawn doesn't care about anybody Shawn just wants what Shawn wants-- it's getting old and it's also part of the reason that I took her away from Shawn for her birthday even though his birthday is 2 days after hers. 

That's why when she said she wanted to stay two extra days I had no problem! I almost knew that she was going to invite Shawn down to DuPont to stay with us and so I told her she can take the king size bed and I prefer to sleep on the couch I really actually do. But this also served to be a buffer Because unless Shawn wants to sleep with Mommy he's not coming down. He can come and play in the pool I suppose I don't know. 

Anyway right after I made the reservation she felt guilty and had me cancel it so we ended up going back home. But again I digress I noticed that every time we got out of the pool, she had to do laundry and wash her bathing suits. This seemed a little weird because we're only going to go back in the pool within the hour if you're washing my bathing suit I can't go back in the pool, we have to wait for the laundry to be done, why not just wait until we're getting ready to leave and then do the laundry? I was beginning to think she was going to be like Grandma and have to do laundry every day no matter if there was laundry or not.

Grandma would legit wash a towel, a washcloth and a shirt. It's a waste of water and at this hotel it was a waste of money. But again, it was my mom's day and whatever she wanted I went along with. Until she fell. That's when I realized why she was going to the laundry room every half an hour or so. I don't know where she hid it, wrapped up in the bathing suits or maybe tucked inside her bathing suit but she had a bottle of alcohol. Telling me she's not going to drink and then drinking kind of put a negative feeling on this vacation.

I don't care if she drinks, she's an adult. Let me rephrase that I don't want her to drink around me because I hate the way alcohol changes people's personality but, again, she's an adult and if she wants to drink, she's going to drink. Me complaining is not going to stop that in fact it's going to cause her to do it more and hide it more. So anyway again I was in the pool for about 3 hours LOL she had ordered pizza for dinner and when it arrived she came to get me. We had dinner and we talked and it was a pretty good night. We both played on our phones and then went back to the pool and went back to the room and watch some TV and just relaxed and didn't do too much of anything. 

The next day she woke up before I did and went out and got the continental breakfast which is always a treat in a hotel. My mom got me a plate and some orange juice and then we celebrated by cutting her cake that I bought from walmart, a tiny little cake just for the two of us and we went to the pool one more time and then we came home. 

The drive home was fun because it was raining and again it's only an hour's Drive but it's all major freeway and so we took the back roads. We both downloaded an app that would help take the back streets and avoid the freeway full of 18-wheelers in the rain because I told her I'm not comfortable driving in that I it's making me panic. With a Little Help from the app we took a nice Scenic journey home which caused her to have memories of growing up of both my father's and Grandma and Grandpa and we did a lot of talking and it was really needed and it was really nice. 

I needed her to get away and clear her head and she did. Unfortunately she had texted Shawn to meet us at my house so that they could go by marijuana and she could get Sean a birthday present. But that's the kind of person that my mom is. She's not going to let a birthday go by without something, even though she knows he doesn't care.

Happy birthday mama!

 So I've been planning this for a few weeks but today is my mom's birthday and I'm kidnapping her to a hotel for just mother daughter time. This hotel has a 24-hour pool and hot tub so she can kick back, relax, not do dishes or laundry or worry about Sean and his current fuck buddy and who's sleeping on the couch and how my dad feels or doesn't feel or eats or doesn't eat her any of the bullshit that she goes through on a daily basis. She can actually relax and just be her.

Day at the Dr's

 I had a doctor's appointment today for the first time in 18 months. I haven't seen Dr Seaholm since before my hysterectomy in March of 2022. We had a virtual visit so I've been in contact with him and I let him know through mychart my aches and pains and so forth but the computer will only fill your medications if you can see the doctor at least once a year. And when all of my medications are running out, I know that Walgreens sucks when it comes to refilling on time so I am not running out of my medication each month.  I knew they wouldn't warn me ahead of time so I had to Buck up and go in. 

Lucky for me, Mike drove me. And sad to say for him I am a horrible horrible passenger because he really is a good driver. It's just that there's a lot of other people that don't know he's a good driver. And he doesn't quite know that Federal Way is really a high traffic area and I couldn't take him anxiety pill because I had to give blood before my doctor's appointment so..

 he got me there in one piece and he went in and got me a wheelchair and wheeled the wheelchair right out to the truck passenger side door for me and then wheeled me back into the wheelchair, wheeled me back into the receptionist desk wheeled me back to the lab sat with me to make sure that I was good to go and then when he started having panic then he went out to his truck. This is way above and beyond the amount of help that I expected to get and I was so so grateful for him.

 The lady at the lab finished with me and took me right back into Drs office and about 10 minutes later he came in.  we discussed going off of lithium but starting Gabapentin for the nerve pain. I know they work better in tandem; he says he doesn't mind if I go off the lithium but he doesn't want to be the doctor that does that. He wants me to see a psychiatrist so I will be under mental health care and they can help titrate me down. I don't mind this because when I'm off of the lithium then he can put me on a water pill and that will take care of the edema in my leg. The edema has been so bad that I can't wear pants! I had to leave the house in a skirt for the first time in I don't know how long. 

Doctor also put me on something that's kind of like the new weight loss/diabetes medication that everybody is going crazy for. It's called ozempic but my insurance doesn't cover that so I got the different brand and it works with the lithium to keep my blood sugar even more in check and it's also a weight loss one of the side effects though is dizziness and nausea so he wants me to be careful and watch out for that because if I fall naproxen and Gabapentin aren't going to help me. It's going to hurt!

 Mike brought me home and made it safely thru the Federal Way traffic but stopped by the store and when he turned his truck off it shuttered a little bit and I had told him that I saw water drip out when he was pulling up at the doctor's office but he knows his truck so he knew about the water. Well, when he tried to restart his truck at the liquor store it wouldn't start! It wouldn't turn over you just hear this tick tick tick tick and at this point my legs were both numb so if I had to get out of that truck I was just praying I could.  there was no way I could walk if I tried to even stand up outside the truck I knew I was going to be in trouble at the same time I'm waiting to hear from Walgreens that my medication is ready and they told me nope, there's a problem with the insurance. As per usual with Walgreens. 

So Mike got his tools that he has in his truck and Miracle of Miracles because I wouldn't have known what to do, but he poured some cold water in the radiator and cleaned off the battery let it sit for a couple of minutes and it started right up! He's smarter than anything he is in that department. So we got home and I sat down on our porch and just took in how beautiful everything was because truthfully I don't leave my bedroom. It's 10 ft from my bed to the toilet and 10 feet back and that makes me so winded and in so much pain that I just can't walk sometimes I can take my recycle bin out to the porch for like to take downstairs for me and sometimes I have to leave it at the door and he takes it from me from there. I feel lazy but he understands that I'm hurting and hopefully the Gabapentin will kick in and I can start doing more helping him around the house.

 After about an hour or two I came in and I was going to sit down on my bed for just a minute, just.. minute. Next thing I know it's 4 hours later and the house is completely dark including my bedroom light has been turned off. I don't remember even laying down but I was so tired apparently I hit the bed and was out. Thank goodness for talk to text so I can post this while it's still all in my head. Good night!

What a great day! =(

Today was a good day, it really was! I need to put my mother and her drinking in the back corner of my mind because it's starting to affect my health.

     I had a heart episode, not a heart attack but it did feel like I was being electrocuted in my heart and this one on for about 8 hours. And nobody gave a shit. This was because I listened to my mom and her graphic details of my dad's genitalia and their sex life. But I digress.

       Today Mike invited me up to say goodbye to becky, his sister, who is taking her daughter and moving with her husband to Wales in England! Truthfully I've never felt close to Becky although she's never done anything to me. I just don't reach out to people and Becky's a very friendly woman that has a lot of friends and I prefer not a lot of friends. But when we got there she was making dinner and we talked for a minute and I got to talk with her daughter River who is the absolute sweetest dream of a daughter that you could ever wish to have. Mike's mom made sure that I had a comfortable chair and I made sure my cane didn't trip over anybody. While Becky was cooking there were a few people playing a card game at the table and Seafair was on TV in the background. It was so awesome. Don has a big screen TV that makes those hydropellings seem larger than life! I saw the Blue Angels and all their wonderful formations and nobody was yelling, nobody was drinking, nobody was swearing! I was so relaxed I didn't even have to take my anxiety pill. 

      Truthfully, this is kind of the atmosphere of Sharon and Don's house. They don't like a lot of drama and they don't accept it in their house and I so appreciate that and I respect that decision. This is a family that does so many things- - every birthday, thanksgiving, easter, christmas, just because they want to get together, they get together. Sometimes it's planned and sometimes it's just hey it's going to be a sunny day want to come over or let's go meet at Mom's.

      On one side of their house they have a ramp that is used for wheelchairs or people like me who have to limp slowly I can't wait until Tuesday when doctor see home gives me my shot and hopefully a pain pill or two. I don't want more than that because I don't need friends that want to be my friends because I have pills.

     We were there for a few hours and when it came time to leave Becky and Sharon walked us out to the car and Becky hugged me and started to cry when I told her that I would miss her more than I thought. I wish I could write her a letter and explain how I feel, maybe I'll get an email address from her? But I didn't think that her leaving would affect me and now I find myself missing her so I don't quite know what to do. I know I'll send her messages through Facebook but it won't be the same. Hopefully I'll grow a backbone and send her an email or even snail mail! And we can be pen pals:-)

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