Moving!

And cleaning and crubbing and sweeping and mopping. I love it!! I know they were all bummed to have to move, but true friends will stay true friends, right? 3 of the 5, including my friend are moving 3 blocks up the road.

I helped clean today, boxing as fast as they could unbox. Very hectic, but so cool to feel needed. Cant explain better than that. In fact, im only home to change from scrubby clothes to nice clothes, cause its NEW YEARS EVE!!! Yea!! I dont know what we'll do, but just to be with this guy is an honor. He's... special. But that doesn't seem to cover it. There's charisma about him that draws me to him. Hell, we have almost nothing in common, but we're friends. Talk about opposit attracts, huh? Yes, he's HOT but thats not what i mean by attraction. I cant explain better, the chlorox has gone to my brain. **Big Grin**

Snowed In

Lake Tapps has like 13 inches of snow. Now, we've lived here 20 years, and if you add up all those years, we haven't had 13 inches. Crazy. I feel horrible because i have been literally stuck at my friends house. There are only 2 ways into Lake Tapps, both uphill. Both icey as sh*t. Nobody can get down and takes a brave heart with a tough car to get up. So i've stayed with Matt. I try to make myself useful, but its hard, without feeling like im in the way.

Dont misunderstand me, my friend is GREAT and no, he doesn't make me feel unwelcome, i do it to myself. and his roommates are pretty cool, too. I've met them in passing, but to be stuck is to get to know. Or something. Allen sort of reminds me of Michael, my baby brother. Kevin kinda reminds me of my uncle that preferred under a bridge to inside a house. Hmmm...

At any rate, after 3 days, my friend Jaybo decided to brave the ice and he brought me home. And im thankful. Hot shower, change of clothes and hit the blog. =)

Matts bday, new car and happy winter!

So, what a week. Matts birthday is Christmas, and he invited me to come stay a few days. Im pretty sure this is because i wont show up empty handed but thats okay. It beats staying at the blue house with Cortney and Nikki. Turns out i was stranded for a few days anyway. These pictures are pure ice on a dark road, and Shawn and his posse creating a snow fort. Seriously, when pot heads get together they can rule the world. I wish Shawn would get a job he likes- hes a hard worker when he wants to be, and it gets my parents off his back, AND gets the jobless, homeless, bring nothing to the table boys away from my dads privacy. 

I finally got the paperwork on my new car, which made Amanda somehow think i was giving her...GIVING her my old car. After all the crap her half-brother and step dad put me thru, making me go thru WA state patrol inspections and get SR22 insurance. My dad stepped in and basically told Wes where he could take that idea! My mom did the the fun little dance- you know, "You should be nicer to her, she doesnt have a mom." Yes, she does. Cortney, Shawn and I all have 1 and we dont mind sharing, but Amanda sure as shit does!! The ironic thing is when she doesn't get her way? She goes home, to her moms house, and cant figure out why we dont like her. *Sigh* Enjoy the pictures! 

Disappearing... Again (RsH)

Okay, i have this really bad habit of smiling. At all the wrong people, apparently. To me, a smile says 'Hi, how are ya?' not- come f*** me. And when i try to not smile? I get that 'Whats up with the bitch?' look. Sheesh, i can't win. What am i ranting about? Really, who cares anyway, but one can pretend i suppose. I have a friend that has nothing positive in his life, if you look thru his eyes. Thru MY eyes, he has a nice girlfriend, a beautiful son, a roof over his head, a car and TWO jobs. But anytime he calls, its just to bitch about how bad his life is. I so would like to say GET A LIFE but i can't. I smile, and i listen, and when i leave i sit in my car and cry it out. I have changed my phone number 2 times to get away from him. Why twice?? Cause i was a sucker and called him from my new number, which he promptly blew up with phone calls. Now, i dont mind being a friend; i quite like it infact. But he's bringing my "Pollyanna Complex" down down down. I've started a new social circle of friends, and as long as they can put up with me, i'll be disappearing again. Sorry Robert, you're gonna have to stand alone.

Personality Test...Uh oh.

Recently I had to take a personality test. Now, l know I have borderline personality disorder. BPD makes me a chameleon. I change to please who I am with. This is rarely a problem; who doesn’t want a friend that has their back, no matter what? Well, what happens when I have no one to emulate? When someone puts this personality test in front of me, and walks away? I'm forced to be 100% truthful, open to scrutiny, and fearful of the opinions of others. Talk about anxiety! So, when out in the open… who am I?? These are my results:

You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
Words that describe you:
Sympathetic
Trusting
Altruistic
Selfless
Tenderhearted
Compassionate
Straightforward
Deferential
Generous

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.

Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?” you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.

Okay- I answered honestly and the silly test STILL picked up on the fact that I try to impress people. Apparently I'm more transparent that I realized.

Who Am I??

You know that girl that wants to spoil you? Rub your feet after work, allow you to vent without pushing "What are you thinking?" The girl that will make you dinner at a moment's notice, the girl that your mother will love, the girl that will respect you in public AND in private. I'm THAT kind of girl. The girl that is happy with your arm resting on my shoulder as we watch TV/movie. I love the feeling of your hand in mine, I love phone calls just to say hi. I'm THAT kind of girl.

I want to be yours. I want to fall asleep in your arms, and wake up in your arms. I want to call you and hear the happiness in your voice. I want to make you happy, but not only by opening my legs! I want to listen to how your day was, and make your favorite dinner. I want to come to you and tell you that you're going to be a daddy! (Already have children?? OK!~ children are wonderful!) I'm serious. I am sick of guys that just want in my pants.

I love getting to know people, listening to life stories, offering my own if its along the same subject. I crave learning; would love to return to school eventually. I live a simple life, missing only that one special person to come home to at night. That person that brings out the light in me, that makes my family think... Where has HE been?? Look at her; she's in LOVE.

I love water. The sound of it, the feel of it, standing by it, just enjoying it. I can't explain it, it's such a pull to me. I love the little things in life. I'm faithful, never cheating and will fight for what's mine, but if you find something better or something that makes you happier, I'll step back. And still keep you on speed dial, as a friend. I'm not pushy--I'm not going to call you 10 times an hour, screaming where are you??! I will call just to say... I'm thinking of you, and/or I miss/love you.

I promise to be faithful, and loving, and loyal. I promise to take care of you and do everything in my power to make you happy. I promise to rub your feet/neck/back while you tell me how hard your day was. I promise to not push you for "What are you thinking?" I promise to love you, and only you, and to never stray. I promise to keep your mood positive, and always try to bring a smile to your face. I promise to conduct myself in public with respect. I promise to never embarrass you in front of your friends, male or female. I promise I don't care what you do for a living. I promise I don't care what you drive, what you look like, or the numbers in your bank account. I promise the only thing I want is your happiness.

recovery

Rules prior to surgery:
1) Get a good nights sleep (Didn't; was stressing and my new friend invited me over)
2) Don't drive yourself to or from surgery (Had to; family forgot--no shit)
3) No eating or drinking after midnight (I took my anxiety meds dry mouth, gross)

Okay, after my brief 5 minute meeting with dr smith, i was stressed to the extreme about letting this putz cut into me. I stayed with my friend matt until like 4AM when it dawned on me that he had to wake up in the morning cause he has something i dont have; a JOB. I left feeling guilty, and stressed, and wondering if my family would actually show up. Maybe it was like a surprise thing, they didnt talk about it because they wanted to surprise me! Um, no. I walked into auburn hospital, and checked myself in. Got into the gown and met the anestesilogist. he put the IV in, and immediatly had to take it out-- way to help with my anxiety, buddy. But...do i ever rock the boat?? No. Should i have?? HINDSIGHT IS 20/20!!!!! This gidget almost injected me with the wrong medication, dontcha know.

dr smith comes in, looks at me- "Ready?" and walks away. Like im gonna say, 'No- can we postpone this? Lets do lunch and get to know each other first.' Idiot. But before i can bite my tongue, i'm injeted with (hopefully) the correct medication and my whole body is warm. I lift my arm to look at the wonder-drug and i seem to have a few of them. each arm is a different color, and when i move i see a rainbow. Im waving hello to myself in an effort to see the rainbow and the assissting nurse comes in. She took one look at me, and backed out of the room. No words.

few minutes later the rainbows and i were wheeled into a scary looking room. this table had an instrument in it that looked like a rapists best friend. this bump in the middle loooks uncomfortable as hell, but it places one's ass at the correct place. The straps look fun, but that could just be the rainbows speaking. mr medicine comes over with more rainbow juice, and his nurse places this rubber mask over my face and asks me to count from 10. Then it dawns on me... IM about to be strapped on the rapist table. I look at dr medicine to ask for something for anxiety, and the nurse gassed me! I didnt even get to show off my counting skills!

Im being shaken awake by this blond thing telling me to breath. Well, duh. Cant you let me sleep AND breath? I can multi-task, i promise. "Melissa, we need your stats above 75; look" and she points to this beeping machine that shows my O2 level at 68%. Well thats not good. She says if i dont start breathing, she'll bag me. I try to speak and my throat is on FIRE. I cant even whisper, it burns. i dont remember this from last time. I close my eyes, breath in thru my nose and out thru my mouth; ignoring the burn. after 5 deep breaths, my stats have risen to 72% which gets blondie out of my face. She sits at the end of the bed and i try to sleep.

Now im being wiped down with a very very cold cloth, and whispered voices are asking if i want juice. I cant speak so i nod my head. Ah, sweet sweet grape juice. Then the nurse asks if i have family in the waiting room. I... I don't know. She goes to find out, and comes back with a sad look and apologizes. No. I have nobody. She asks how i am getting home; in the file it says to call for an insurance covered taxi. But my car is in the parking lot! I tell her that my brother is just waiting for a phone call, and he'll come get me. I'm hoping she'll let me walk out "to meet him" without watching me, so i can just go. I call my bro, he'll, be here asap. He shows up with friends. He comes up, signs me out and we walk out. He still has errands to run, so i assure him im fine and can drive home. (My rainbows have faded.) Besides, i have prescriptions to fill that i would rather nobody know i have.

I limp in the door, and grandma is waiting. To bitch. Surprise. "Do you know who spent the night here? Do you see the toys on the ground? Who do you think is gonna clean this up? Your mom? no, she never...." I lift my shirt to show her the bloody bandage and she STFU. without a word, i walked upstairs and crawled into bed. Before my eyes could even blink, my mother called me. (From downstairs) "Your surgery was today?? Why didnt you say anything??" Well, i figured the fact that i told you yesterday, and the day before, not to mention the red circle on the calander was enough of a reminder. My bad.

Worried

I miss Dr Becker. He had bedside manor and a sense of humor, and he hugged me when i cried about needing another surgery. i met my new dr today, this is how our meeting went:
**Enter Dr Smith** "Hello, I'm Dr. smith. Will you touch your toes for me?"
**I slide off the table, stand on my good leg and bend as far as i can.** "I cant bend all the way, it hurts when it pulls the muscles."
**Dr. Smith reads over Dr Becker's notes, looks up and says** " My nurse will set up surgery and call you." **EXIT DR SMITH**

WTF!!! No handshake, no physical contact, and i'm letting you take a scalpel to my spine??? Did i forget my meds today? Or worse, did u????

**UPDATE---SURGERY IS SCHEDULED FOR SEPTEMBER 11**

Dr. Becker!!!

Auburn: Friends, patients, family mourn loss, recall the brilliance of Dr. Virgil Becker

By ROBERT WHALEAuburn Reporter News reporterAug 20 2008

Eagle Scout by 14, student at West Point, holder of legal and medical degrees, past member of the Secret Service, trained pilot, farmer, photographer, veteran of Desert Storm.

In his 58 years on earth, Dr. Virgil Tory Becker seemed to be everywhere, doing everything.
Not only was the Auburn doctor a top-flight surgeon, but he also excelled at diagnosing and working with his patients. President of the Enumclaw Regional Hospital Medical Staff, he wrote an internationally published paper on orthopedic back surgery.

Yet somehow in his crowded life, Becker found time to run marathons and to hike Mount Rainier and Mount St. Helens. One trip up St. Helens in 2007 with his youngest daughter, Barbara, then 9, put the girl in the books as the youngest child ever to make the climb.

Hundreds of patients and family members gathered last Friday afternoon at Wabash Presbyterian Church for a memorial service honoring Becker, who died in a plane crash July 27 in the rugged area of Bald Mountain north of Arlington. Also killed were the pilot, 47-year-old Brenda L. Houston of Enumclaw, and her 10-year-old daughter, Elizabeth M. Crews of Enumclaw.

Lynn Nieland, Becker’s nurse in the operating room for 18 years, recalled a man who felt as at home at the hospital as he did on the family’s 40-acre farm in Enumclaw, so at home in fact he wore his farming boots on rounds, much to the puzzlement and amusement of his patients.
Nieland recalled being at her mother’s house in North Carolina recently when the phone rang. It was Dr. Becker, asking if by chance her mother had a moonshine still. Now what would a conformed Scotch drinker such as Becker be wanting with a moonshine still? Well, he replied, he had some lavender and wanted to make fragrances.

“Now here’s this man who taught us how to sheer sheep, wore his boots and was out on his backhoe doing all the manly, manly stuff, but he had some lavender, and he would like a still to make some fragrances,” Nieland said. “He was a man who did it all, who brought us the honey that he made.

“Lucky me and all of us to have known him, worked with him, learned from him. No one will ever be like that again,” Nieland said.

Sylvia Parker, a member of the Franciscan Health System Board and a friend, described some of Becker’s special qualities.

“You know how there are some people that the minute you meet them you know they are extraordinary? I have rarely met that many people who were as funny and unusual in their brilliance,” said Parker.

“... He was very deliberate and very fastidious, but he was such a quiet person about his accomplishments. And that’s the thing I found so extraordinary. Because usually people who have done a third of what he’s done would be shouting to the heavens about how clever they are. I learned about his accomplishments from other people,” Parker said.

Dennis Popp, chief operating officer of Enumclaw Regional Hospital, said the hospital had a unique relationship with Becker and his wife, Dr. Nancy Becker.

“Virgil had a portion of his medical practice in Enumclaw, but a very small portion of it at our hospital. But because of his interest in supporting Enumclaw Regional Hospital and making his home close by, he devoted significant time and energy and wisdom to the hospital. Using his medical training, his legal background, his experiences and a lot of common sense, he participated in a lot of intelligent discussions and helped make some very practical and keen decisions with the board of directors and the medical staff.”

Becker is survived by his wife, Dr. Nancy Becker; daughters, Barbara, Jane, Carol, and Diane; his mother Barbara MacIntosh (San Marino); his brothers, William (Enumclaw), and Brian (San Marino).

A private graveside service at Tahoma National Cemetery preceded the memorial. Donations may be made to the Virgil V. Becker Destination Imagination Fund at Mt. Rainier Bank in Enumclaw.

Nuther Back Surgery

Word of advice. When your dr says you are done with physical therapy but take it easy for a while, he DOES NOT MEAN ITS OKAY TO LIFT A SMALL REFRIDGERATOR!!! Nobody told me this; i learned the hard way. And wouldn't you know it, *POP* i felt my back go out. Dr. Becker did an MRI and i busrt into tears when he said i opened my spine again. He hugged me and we began the process again. I'll prolly have the surgery in about 2-3 weeks. I like him, but there's a greater risk for complications and paralyzation. I'm scared.

Alone...

Its pitch black. I can hear the ocean all around me. I can feel the cold steel of a metal railing under my hands. I sense a presence and i open my eyes. I can see you, off to my left- just out of arms reach. The ocean is liquid black glass, no moon for reflection. Off in the distance is something; small, white, and bobbing closer. I look at you, but you have moved. You are now about 5 feet away. I reach my hands out anyway... knowing i cannot reach you. I return my hand to the railing and check on the white speck. It has bobbed close enough that i can see it is a small boat. i look back at you- do you see the boat? But you have moved even further away. now over 10 feet away, i can barely make out the features of your face. You have become a shadow. Laughter brings my attention back to the boat, where i see 4 people standing on the end. They are laughing and pointing to something i cannot see, in the far off distance. One of the men slides his arms gently around the waist of the females and she leans a head on his shoulder. I crave that touch. Nothing sexual, purely human. I reach my hand out to you, again knowing its futile. My hand grabs at nothing and when i look you have moved even further into the shadows. I cant even make out your silhuette, and i realize. I am alone. I close my eyes, and everything goes black.

Adults only, Seriously

Keep in mind as you read this- i have never asked for anything but your love. You wanted a woman that would love you, understand you and care about you. And i gave myself to you...
Can you imagine the first time we meet? Should i kiss your lips? Or pull you behind a tree and drop to my knees? Unbutton your zipper with my teeth, as you run your fingers thru my hair? I'll slide my hands up the side of your pants, and look up into your eyes as i pull your pants down. I look down, shy about what i want to do, but wanting you to tell me. You grip my hair with your hands, pulling me closer to your slightly swollen dick. I can feel myself getting wet, and i know wearing a skirt was a BIG mistake. I run my fingers slowly up your legs, scratching the inside of your thighs as my mouth finds exactly what it wants. I pull your cock out, teasing the end of it with my tounge, waiting further instructions from you. You pull my hair back, forcing me to look up at you. I know, when i see your eyes, im lost. I am at your command. I only want to please you.

I take the head of your cock in my mouth, and run my fingernails gently down the side of your leg. Not enough to make scratches, but enough to make shivers down your spine, and i hear your breath catch. I love that sound, and i can feel how wet my pussy is. I feel your fingers in my hair tighten, and i know what you want. I take a deep breath, and i take your entire dick in my mouth; down the back of my throat. As i wiggle my tongue, i can taste how sweet the first drops taste. I cant wait to swallow it all. But first i have to tease you... In and out... slowly... each time i force myself to take you all the way down my throat. I know you like it because you keep your hands tight in my hair and each time i pull back, you grip tightly. But each time i pull back, i look straight into your eyes, to capture that feeling of being yours. With my left hand, i slowly lift your dick, i play with the tip as i lean forward to take your balls in my mouth. You hold my hair with one hand; the other is slowly running up and down my neck. Each touch is like electricity, and i can actually feel my poor pussy dripping. I reach down with one hand to see how wet, but you pull my hair and shake your head no. Slowly i pull my hand back up, and reach to play with your balls. i lightly tickle them, then lead them to my mouth as my left hand keeps playing with the head of your cock.

I sit up on my knees to get a better grip on you, to play with your dick some more, but you push me away; back to the ground. I look up into your eyes to see what i have done wrong; what makes you continue to push me away? Your eyes are dancing with a teasing look. You pull off your shoes and pants completely, and crawl next to me. I feel your hands up my skirt, just teasing the outside of my tight, wet pussy. And then i feel your fingers, playing around the inside, as you lean over to kiss me. The electricity of your kiss, mixed with the teasing fingers; i lose my self-control, and when you push me back until im laying on the ground, i can't refuse. Your kisses are like lightning, sending shivers down my whole body, stopping at my pussy, now dripping with your finger playing circles just inside it. I reach up torun my fingers thru your hair and pull you own closer- i cant enough of you. My hands reach down to see if you are still rock hard, and i can feel that you are dripping, too. I open my legs a little, trying to send you the signal that i need you inside me. And I feel your finger slide all the way inside, which makes me kiss you harder. I pull you close, hugging you and kissing you at the same time, as your finger slides in and out.

Then you pull away from me again- no kisses, no hugs, nothing. What have i done this time?? Did you not like that?? I stare in your eyes, trying to see... what have i done? I move to sit up, but you shake your finger no. I am so very confused... Until you move down between my legs, i can see your eyes; smiling now. Instictively, i put my legs down, and you crawl over me, lifting my skirt as you do. I can feel how hard you are, and i brace myself, knowing what will happen, wanting it to, but being so afraid. But you lean down, entering me softly, staring directly in my eyes, and kiss me. I feel the head of your dick open my pussy; your fingers have done a very good job of getting me ready. I close my eyes, waiting for the final thrust and when i feel it, its like a million lightning bolts thru my body. I open my eyes to see you staring at me, making sure i am okay. I shake my head yes, and move my body to match yours, move for move. I can feel the pressure building, and even though ive never felt this way, i know whats going to happen. Without warning, i am no longer in control of my body. All my senses are gone, focused only on you, and the feelings jetting thru my whole body. I can feel your hands on my body, i can feel your cock inside me, but i cant stop the lightning, the electricty that has taken control. I grab your arms for help, but your eyes are smiling... you know what just happened, but you do not know you were my first. I slowly calm down, yet you continue to slowly fuck me, and i feel the elecrticity coming again.

When you reach down to kiss me again, i push you over onto your side. I want YOU to feel the same electricity you sent thru me. I slide down between your open legs, and i can SEE what you did to me. I reach down and touch your dick softly, and i see your body move. So my hands contiue down to play with your balls, and i bend down to kiss the tip of your cock. Its wet and slides easily down my throat. Before i can even come back up to tease you, your hands are playing in my hair, pulling me back. I want so badly to play; to tease; to taste! You pull me up for a deep deep kiss, and then release me. i slowly scratch my nails down your body... and resume teasing you with my tongue. I reach down, grab your hands and pull them thru my hair. I slowly slide your dick deep in my throat, and your hands tighten in my hair... i can feel this is it... you're about to feel the electricity you gave me. Your hands tighten in my hair, and i feel your cock pulsing in my mouth...i taste your sweetness fill my mouth,and i swallow as fast as i can, trying to please you. i know its very very sensitive, so i lighty suck all your juices out, licking and swallowing every drop. When you are completly empty, i crawl up beside you, kiss your forehead, and pull you into my arms. Wrapped in my arms, i let you sleep, knowing you are safe. Knowing you are loved.

back surgery

Well, valentines day officially sucked this year. k, i hate valentines day anyway, cause if you love somebody, you should love them everyday, not just cause a calandar says to. And i do love my boyfriend, even though he couldn't be with me this valentines. Why?? And why am i bitching about it 3 days later?? Cuz i've been in the HOSPITAL. My valentines day gift was back surgery. Ouch. No, truthfully it doesn'y hurt. Dr. Becker is awesome!! I promised my weight will drop (im ashamed to say the number, but it's pretty damn high.) if he gets rid of the pain. And he did! im bed ridden 20 hours a day for 3 weeks, allowed only short 10 or 15 minutes breaks every now and then. But i'll hit my park, and you just watch this weight drop!!! =) So V-day sucked, but...i like morphone. **drools**

Me!

I have something called Border-line Personality Disorder. If you know me, this is no real surprise. If you google this "disorder" you'll get a long list of things to read... let me save you the time. My mother refers to me as a chameleon. That is to say that i will change my colors to fit in with whomever i am with. Again, if you know me, you shouldn't be surprised. I censour myself, because what if what I want isn't what you want? Then there's conflict. Drama. And nobody likes drama. If i can stop it before it begins, all the better. As i write this, i have no clue who will read it. But i can imagine your thoughts as you read it, and my mentality tells me to tell you the good things about me, not the bad. Well, screw it. To know ME, you must know what ive been thru to get here. I am a rape survivor. I am a kidnap survivor. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I've been in a fatal car accident and ive had 5 major operations. I have lost family members to drugs, AIDS, and cancer. And i keep smiling. Why? Because i crave positive energy. I know what happens when people get angry, and i want to avoid that at all costs. A part of BPD is narcesism. I don't think the world revolves around me, nor do i want it to. But i do constantly think of myself...as in the way. I need constant reassurance, otherside i feel like ive done something wrong. Again, this is where smiling comes in handy. A simple smile tells me i am welcome, im okay. Relax. When you don't smile... i need to be on guard because something is wrong. In my head, how can i keep you happy is constantly on my thoughts. You like brown hair? Red? Blond? Been there, done that. And i'll do it again. Jeans? Slacks? Dresses? Been there, too. Whether I like it or not, its keeping you happy that matters. I don't get jealous; it's not worth it. If being with that other woman makes you happy- go for it! Yes, it'll hurt like hell, but no, you will never know. I have been a witness at an ex's wedding to a female he cheated on me with. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I smile? Yes. The downside to BPD is being undecisive. I've been accused of being flaky, or being uninterested. Believe me, I'm interested! I feel like Johnny-5, waiting for input. How's your day going? (Stop, check for smile. No smile...change subject) How's work/school/home? (Stop, check for smile. Smile? Stay with subject) My mind races thru these thoughts at the speed of light, so if you ever catch me staring off into space, i'm just trying to grab one. My friends ask me my opinion... i freeze. What if mine differs from theirs? What if i open my mouth and say something stupid? It's not a matter of "Whats the worst that can happen" cause my mind knows what can/does/will happen. So my brain tells my mouth to shut up before it can get us in trouble. Decisions are better off left to you, that way i know what you like.
Welcome to me.

Poppin the Blog cherry

Okay, so writing isn't as easy as I assumed. Well, writing a blog at any rate. I’ve been published; that’s not hard. Then again, poetry comes naturally on my father’s side, and that’s one of the two things I inherited from him. The other being eyes and hair that change color with the season, but that’s a different story. Why is a blog so hard? I mean, its not like I’m miss popularity and so many people are going to read it. Or even that one person that can say "This chick has talent" and sign me up with a contract. (If you're reading this and have those kind of connections, we should talk. Seriously.) Writing has always come naturally to me, I was writing before I could read. No, I don’t mean just childish scribble; I mean at 3 years old, I was copying my Winnie-the-pooh books onto tablets of paper. I was the only child in my pre-kindergarten that could read and write. Not bragging, just laying down the facts. Typing is a little different, because all it will take is a push of the delete button and *poof* all gone. Whereas with my paper and pen, I’m always afraid that somebody will come along and read what they shouldn't. Even if I tear that page out! I watch CSI; I know these things. You ever trace a quarter by rubbing a pencil over it lightly?? It’s the same thing basically. So as long as I keep my laptop closed, nobody will be running a pencil over it. Why doesn’t that sound right?