from:Cindy xxxxxx@comcast.net
to:Melissa Kuchman im.an.epileptic.fish@gmail.com
Sun, Jan 9, 2011 at 4:10 PM
subject: IDK
Meliss,
So now today I am faced with the fact that NO ONE matters to you. NO ONE! So, don't come up here, don't call me. I am so devastated that I can't stand it. I keep taking last nights movements through my head to make sure I am not wrong there is just no way.
We were shopping, Cortney and Gio were throwing things in the cart. He was going to pay for it all I guess but I didn't know. I knew you had $20 and So I assumed I could spend $40 but I also had $32 incase they went nuts. We got to the counter and you took the meat and went to another cashier. I was freaked out, I told Gio I only had $32 dollars and he said "Don't worry about it I am taking care of it all. You said, you better get him a ring or I am gonna. I don't know if that was after you had checked out or not. I just know I had a death grip on that money until I got into the car. I had my license, the original receipt and the money, $32.60. The .60 cents was still there, my license and the original receipt but not the 4 bills that would have been scrunched together. Do you know how I felt, I knew right away that you had to have taken it. I was sick. Do you know how many times you have made me AND your dad feel like this?
too many times.
I love you but I just can't look you in the eye right now.
**Guess i know why nobody was getting back to me...here it is, in writing.**
Showing posts with label Honestly Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Honestly Me. Show all posts
Monday, January 10, 2011
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The truth
If i had to admit the truth to anyone, it would have to be to myself first. I know why i was in the bar that night, i know why i was flattered that Mike hit on me, and i know why i gave him my voicemail number instead of my work number. I know why i didn't call him back right away, i know why i kept standing him up, and i know why i finally met him for coffee.
I dont know why i returned his call, finally. I dont know why i kept calling him. I don't know why i didn't correct him the first time he called me his girlfriend.
I am ashamed that i called him "that night." I am ashamed that i let him think i was ready for a relationship. I am ashamed that i cannot give him the one thing he truly wants, and i lie to him to make him happy.
I hate that i cannot let go of my feelings, and therefore cannot give the love he deserves. I hate that i still put my heart ahead of my head, and that Mike continuously must put up with the shit that enters my life. I hate that he is so patient and understanding, because he has been there, he has done that, and he knows there will be a positive outcome.
I love the fact that he smiles thru my weirdness. I love that fact that he taught me what unconditional love actually is. I love the fact that he sings songs to make me smile. I love the fact that he trusts me with his heart, his son, and his life.
I'm afraid that i will lose him over my friend. I'm afraid i'll lose my friend over him. I'm afraid one or the other will find out the real truth and i'll lose them both for childish pettiness. I'm afraid the feelings i have for someone else are/will prevent me from fully loving Mike. And I'm afraid to hurt either one.
I dont know why i returned his call, finally. I dont know why i kept calling him. I don't know why i didn't correct him the first time he called me his girlfriend.
I am ashamed that i called him "that night." I am ashamed that i let him think i was ready for a relationship. I am ashamed that i cannot give him the one thing he truly wants, and i lie to him to make him happy.
I hate that i cannot let go of my feelings, and therefore cannot give the love he deserves. I hate that i still put my heart ahead of my head, and that Mike continuously must put up with the shit that enters my life. I hate that he is so patient and understanding, because he has been there, he has done that, and he knows there will be a positive outcome.
I love the fact that he smiles thru my weirdness. I love that fact that he taught me what unconditional love actually is. I love the fact that he sings songs to make me smile. I love the fact that he trusts me with his heart, his son, and his life.
I'm afraid that i will lose him over my friend. I'm afraid i'll lose my friend over him. I'm afraid one or the other will find out the real truth and i'll lose them both for childish pettiness. I'm afraid the feelings i have for someone else are/will prevent me from fully loving Mike. And I'm afraid to hurt either one.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Personality Test...Uh oh.
Recently I had to take a personality test. Now, l know I have borderline personality disorder. BPD makes me a chameleon. I change to please who I am with. This is rarely a problem; who doesn’t want a friend that has their back, no matter what? Well, what happens when I have no one to emulate? When someone puts this personality test in front of me, and walks away? I'm forced to be 100% truthful, open to scrutiny, and fearful of the opinions of others. Talk about anxiety! So, when out in the open… who am I?? These are my results:
You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
Words that describe you:
Sympathetic
Trusting
Altruistic
Selfless
Tenderhearted
Compassionate
Straightforward
Deferential
Generous
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.
There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.
Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?” you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.
Okay- I answered honestly and the silly test STILL picked up on the fact that I try to impress people. Apparently I'm more transparent that I realized.
You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
Words that describe you:
Sympathetic
Trusting
Altruistic
Selfless
Tenderhearted
Compassionate
Straightforward
Deferential
Generous
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.
There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Though your motives arise from genuine compassion, some people might think of you as "too good to be true." They could suspect that your kindness is something you use to ingratiate yourself with others or to get them to like you. Others may suspect that your altruism is a mask for your own problems; you take care of others but never let others get to know you well enough to offer you their care. Some of this suspicion may be genuine; they just can't believe you're this kind. But it may also be triggered by envy; people see in you a tenderheartedness they don't find in themselves, and it makes them uncomfortable so they take it out on you with their suspicions.
Another critical response others may have may be something you want to take a serious look at. If you spend your time taking care of others, you may not have enough left to take very good care of yourself. If you're always asking, "What can I do for you?” you may not focus enough on your own needs. You're so busy taking care of others that you neglect yourself and empty your reserves of energy and good health. Like we said, give it consideration and if it doesn't fit move on.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
For the most part, people will feel gifted to come across someone like you. For those you help, you will be light in the darkness, a hand up when they've fallen into a ditch. Your true graciousness and selflessness is rather rare these days and is often a breath of fresh air in this all too often dog-eat-dog world. Others will see in you the kindness that each of us seeks in life, both in our own characters and in our relationships with others. And you will become a model of that honest compassion; someone others may even look up to. Hopefully that feels okay to you.
Okay- I answered honestly and the silly test STILL picked up on the fact that I try to impress people. Apparently I'm more transparent that I realized.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Who Am I??
You know that girl that wants to spoil you? Rub your feet after work, allow you to vent without pushing "What are you thinking?" The girl that will make you dinner at a moment's notice, the girl that your mother will love, the girl that will respect you in public AND in private. I'm THAT kind of girl. The girl that is happy with your arm resting on my shoulder as we watch TV/movie. I love the feeling of your hand in mine, I love phone calls just to say hi. I'm THAT kind of girl.
I want to be yours. I want to fall asleep in your arms, and wake up in your arms. I want to call you and hear the happiness in your voice. I want to make you happy, but not only by opening my legs! I want to listen to how your day was, and make your favorite dinner. I want to come to you and tell you that you're going to be a daddy! (Already have children?? OK!~ children are wonderful!) I'm serious. I am sick of guys that just want in my pants.
I love getting to know people, listening to life stories, offering my own if its along the same subject. I crave learning; would love to return to school eventually. I live a simple life, missing only that one special person to come home to at night. That person that brings out the light in me, that makes my family think... Where has HE been?? Look at her; she's in LOVE.
I love water. The sound of it, the feel of it, standing by it, just enjoying it. I can't explain it, it's such a pull to me. I love the little things in life. I'm faithful, never cheating and will fight for what's mine, but if you find something better or something that makes you happier, I'll step back. And still keep you on speed dial, as a friend. I'm not pushy--I'm not going to call you 10 times an hour, screaming where are you??! I will call just to say... I'm thinking of you, and/or I miss/love you.
I promise to be faithful, and loving, and loyal. I promise to take care of you and do everything in my power to make you happy. I promise to rub your feet/neck/back while you tell me how hard your day was. I promise to not push you for "What are you thinking?" I promise to love you, and only you, and to never stray. I promise to keep your mood positive, and always try to bring a smile to your face. I promise to conduct myself in public with respect. I promise to never embarrass you in front of your friends, male or female. I promise I don't care what you do for a living. I promise I don't care what you drive, what you look like, or the numbers in your bank account. I promise the only thing I want is your happiness.
I want to be yours. I want to fall asleep in your arms, and wake up in your arms. I want to call you and hear the happiness in your voice. I want to make you happy, but not only by opening my legs! I want to listen to how your day was, and make your favorite dinner. I want to come to you and tell you that you're going to be a daddy! (Already have children?? OK!~ children are wonderful!) I'm serious. I am sick of guys that just want in my pants.
I love getting to know people, listening to life stories, offering my own if its along the same subject. I crave learning; would love to return to school eventually. I live a simple life, missing only that one special person to come home to at night. That person that brings out the light in me, that makes my family think... Where has HE been?? Look at her; she's in LOVE.
I love water. The sound of it, the feel of it, standing by it, just enjoying it. I can't explain it, it's such a pull to me. I love the little things in life. I'm faithful, never cheating and will fight for what's mine, but if you find something better or something that makes you happier, I'll step back. And still keep you on speed dial, as a friend. I'm not pushy--I'm not going to call you 10 times an hour, screaming where are you??! I will call just to say... I'm thinking of you, and/or I miss/love you.
I promise to be faithful, and loving, and loyal. I promise to take care of you and do everything in my power to make you happy. I promise to rub your feet/neck/back while you tell me how hard your day was. I promise to not push you for "What are you thinking?" I promise to love you, and only you, and to never stray. I promise to keep your mood positive, and always try to bring a smile to your face. I promise to conduct myself in public with respect. I promise to never embarrass you in front of your friends, male or female. I promise I don't care what you do for a living. I promise I don't care what you drive, what you look like, or the numbers in your bank account. I promise the only thing I want is your happiness.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
recovery
Rules prior to surgery:
1) Get a good nights sleep (Didn't; was stressing and my new friend invited me over)
2) Don't drive yourself to or from surgery (Had to; family forgot--no shit)
3) No eating or drinking after midnight (I took my anxiety meds dry mouth, gross)
Okay, after my brief 5 minute meeting with dr smith, i was stressed to the extreme about letting this putz cut into me. I stayed with my friend matt until like 4AM when it dawned on me that he had to wake up in the morning cause he has something i dont have; a JOB. I left feeling guilty, and stressed, and wondering if my family would actually show up. Maybe it was like a surprise thing, they didnt talk about it because they wanted to surprise me! Um, no. I walked into auburn hospital, and checked myself in. Got into the gown and met the anestesilogist. he put the IV in, and immediatly had to take it out-- way to help with my anxiety, buddy. But...do i ever rock the boat?? No. Should i have?? HINDSIGHT IS 20/20!!!!! This gidget almost injected me with the wrong medication, dontcha know.
dr smith comes in, looks at me- "Ready?" and walks away. Like im gonna say, 'No- can we postpone this? Lets do lunch and get to know each other first.' Idiot. But before i can bite my tongue, i'm injeted with (hopefully) the correct medication and my whole body is warm. I lift my arm to look at the wonder-drug and i seem to have a few of them. each arm is a different color, and when i move i see a rainbow. Im waving hello to myself in an effort to see the rainbow and the assissting nurse comes in. She took one look at me, and backed out of the room. No words.
few minutes later the rainbows and i were wheeled into a scary looking room. this table had an instrument in it that looked like a rapists best friend. this bump in the middle loooks uncomfortable as hell, but it places one's ass at the correct place. The straps look fun, but that could just be the rainbows speaking. mr medicine comes over with more rainbow juice, and his nurse places this rubber mask over my face and asks me to count from 10. Then it dawns on me... IM about to be strapped on the rapist table. I look at dr medicine to ask for something for anxiety, and the nurse gassed me! I didnt even get to show off my counting skills!
Im being shaken awake by this blond thing telling me to breath. Well, duh. Cant you let me sleep AND breath? I can multi-task, i promise. "Melissa, we need your stats above 75; look" and she points to this beeping machine that shows my O2 level at 68%. Well thats not good. She says if i dont start breathing, she'll bag me. I try to speak and my throat is on FIRE. I cant even whisper, it burns. i dont remember this from last time. I close my eyes, breath in thru my nose and out thru my mouth; ignoring the burn. after 5 deep breaths, my stats have risen to 72% which gets blondie out of my face. She sits at the end of the bed and i try to sleep.
Now im being wiped down with a very very cold cloth, and whispered voices are asking if i want juice. I cant speak so i nod my head. Ah, sweet sweet grape juice. Then the nurse asks if i have family in the waiting room. I... I don't know. She goes to find out, and comes back with a sad look and apologizes. No. I have nobody. She asks how i am getting home; in the file it says to call for an insurance covered taxi. But my car is in the parking lot! I tell her that my brother is just waiting for a phone call, and he'll come get me. I'm hoping she'll let me walk out "to meet him" without watching me, so i can just go. I call my bro, he'll, be here asap. He shows up with friends. He comes up, signs me out and we walk out. He still has errands to run, so i assure him im fine and can drive home. (My rainbows have faded.) Besides, i have prescriptions to fill that i would rather nobody know i have.
I limp in the door, and grandma is waiting. To bitch. Surprise. "Do you know who spent the night here? Do you see the toys on the ground? Who do you think is gonna clean this up? Your mom? no, she never...." I lift my shirt to show her the bloody bandage and she STFU. without a word, i walked upstairs and crawled into bed. Before my eyes could even blink, my mother called me. (From downstairs) "Your surgery was today?? Why didnt you say anything??" Well, i figured the fact that i told you yesterday, and the day before, not to mention the red circle on the calander was enough of a reminder. My bad.
1) Get a good nights sleep (Didn't; was stressing and my new friend invited me over)
2) Don't drive yourself to or from surgery (Had to; family forgot--no shit)
3) No eating or drinking after midnight (I took my anxiety meds dry mouth, gross)
Okay, after my brief 5 minute meeting with dr smith, i was stressed to the extreme about letting this putz cut into me. I stayed with my friend matt until like 4AM when it dawned on me that he had to wake up in the morning cause he has something i dont have; a JOB. I left feeling guilty, and stressed, and wondering if my family would actually show up. Maybe it was like a surprise thing, they didnt talk about it because they wanted to surprise me! Um, no. I walked into auburn hospital, and checked myself in. Got into the gown and met the anestesilogist. he put the IV in, and immediatly had to take it out-- way to help with my anxiety, buddy. But...do i ever rock the boat?? No. Should i have?? HINDSIGHT IS 20/20!!!!! This gidget almost injected me with the wrong medication, dontcha know.
dr smith comes in, looks at me- "Ready?" and walks away. Like im gonna say, 'No- can we postpone this? Lets do lunch and get to know each other first.' Idiot. But before i can bite my tongue, i'm injeted with (hopefully) the correct medication and my whole body is warm. I lift my arm to look at the wonder-drug and i seem to have a few of them. each arm is a different color, and when i move i see a rainbow. Im waving hello to myself in an effort to see the rainbow and the assissting nurse comes in. She took one look at me, and backed out of the room. No words.
few minutes later the rainbows and i were wheeled into a scary looking room. this table had an instrument in it that looked like a rapists best friend. this bump in the middle loooks uncomfortable as hell, but it places one's ass at the correct place. The straps look fun, but that could just be the rainbows speaking. mr medicine comes over with more rainbow juice, and his nurse places this rubber mask over my face and asks me to count from 10. Then it dawns on me... IM about to be strapped on the rapist table. I look at dr medicine to ask for something for anxiety, and the nurse gassed me! I didnt even get to show off my counting skills!
Im being shaken awake by this blond thing telling me to breath. Well, duh. Cant you let me sleep AND breath? I can multi-task, i promise. "Melissa, we need your stats above 75; look" and she points to this beeping machine that shows my O2 level at 68%. Well thats not good. She says if i dont start breathing, she'll bag me. I try to speak and my throat is on FIRE. I cant even whisper, it burns. i dont remember this from last time. I close my eyes, breath in thru my nose and out thru my mouth; ignoring the burn. after 5 deep breaths, my stats have risen to 72% which gets blondie out of my face. She sits at the end of the bed and i try to sleep.
Now im being wiped down with a very very cold cloth, and whispered voices are asking if i want juice. I cant speak so i nod my head. Ah, sweet sweet grape juice. Then the nurse asks if i have family in the waiting room. I... I don't know. She goes to find out, and comes back with a sad look and apologizes. No. I have nobody. She asks how i am getting home; in the file it says to call for an insurance covered taxi. But my car is in the parking lot! I tell her that my brother is just waiting for a phone call, and he'll come get me. I'm hoping she'll let me walk out "to meet him" without watching me, so i can just go. I call my bro, he'll, be here asap. He shows up with friends. He comes up, signs me out and we walk out. He still has errands to run, so i assure him im fine and can drive home. (My rainbows have faded.) Besides, i have prescriptions to fill that i would rather nobody know i have.
I limp in the door, and grandma is waiting. To bitch. Surprise. "Do you know who spent the night here? Do you see the toys on the ground? Who do you think is gonna clean this up? Your mom? no, she never...." I lift my shirt to show her the bloody bandage and she STFU. without a word, i walked upstairs and crawled into bed. Before my eyes could even blink, my mother called me. (From downstairs) "Your surgery was today?? Why didnt you say anything??" Well, i figured the fact that i told you yesterday, and the day before, not to mention the red circle on the calander was enough of a reminder. My bad.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Me!
I have something called Border-line Personality Disorder. If you know me, this is no real surprise. If you google this "disorder" you'll get a long list of things to read... let me save you the time. My mother refers to me as a chameleon. That is to say that i will change my colors to fit in with whomever i am with. Again, if you know me, you shouldn't be surprised. I censour myself, because what if what I want isn't what you want? Then there's conflict. Drama. And nobody likes drama. If i can stop it before it begins, all the better. As i write this, i have no clue who will read it. But i can imagine your thoughts as you read it, and my mentality tells me to tell you the good things about me, not the bad. Well, screw it. To know ME, you must know what ive been thru to get here. I am a rape survivor. I am a kidnap survivor. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I've been in a fatal car accident and ive had 5 major operations. I have lost family members to drugs, AIDS, and cancer. And i keep smiling. Why? Because i crave positive energy. I know what happens when people get angry, and i want to avoid that at all costs. A part of BPD is narcesism. I don't think the world revolves around me, nor do i want it to. But i do constantly think of myself...as in the way. I need constant reassurance, otherside i feel like ive done something wrong. Again, this is where smiling comes in handy. A simple smile tells me i am welcome, im okay. Relax. When you don't smile... i need to be on guard because something is wrong. In my head, how can i keep you happy is constantly on my thoughts. You like brown hair? Red? Blond? Been there, done that. And i'll do it again. Jeans? Slacks? Dresses? Been there, too. Whether I like it or not, its keeping you happy that matters. I don't get jealous; it's not worth it. If being with that other woman makes you happy- go for it! Yes, it'll hurt like hell, but no, you will never know. I have been a witness at an ex's wedding to a female he cheated on me with. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I smile? Yes. The downside to BPD is being undecisive. I've been accused of being flaky, or being uninterested. Believe me, I'm interested! I feel like Johnny-5, waiting for input. How's your day going? (Stop, check for smile. No smile...change subject) How's work/school/home? (Stop, check for smile. Smile? Stay with subject) My mind races thru these thoughts at the speed of light, so if you ever catch me staring off into space, i'm just trying to grab one. My friends ask me my opinion... i freeze. What if mine differs from theirs? What if i open my mouth and say something stupid? It's not a matter of "Whats the worst that can happen" cause my mind knows what can/does/will happen. So my brain tells my mouth to shut up before it can get us in trouble. Decisions are better off left to you, that way i know what you like.
Welcome to me.
Welcome to me.
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