Me!

I have something called Border-line Personality Disorder. If you know me, this is no real surprise. If you google this "disorder" you'll get a long list of things to read... let me save you the time. My mother refers to me as a chameleon. That is to say that i will change my colors to fit in with whomever i am with. Again, if you know me, you shouldn't be surprised. I censour myself, because what if what I want isn't what you want? Then there's conflict. Drama. And nobody likes drama. If i can stop it before it begins, all the better. As i write this, i have no clue who will read it. But i can imagine your thoughts as you read it, and my mentality tells me to tell you the good things about me, not the bad. Well, screw it. To know ME, you must know what ive been thru to get here. I am a rape survivor. I am a kidnap survivor. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I've been in a fatal car accident and ive had 5 major operations. I have lost family members to drugs, AIDS, and cancer. And i keep smiling. Why? Because i crave positive energy. I know what happens when people get angry, and i want to avoid that at all costs. A part of BPD is narcesism. I don't think the world revolves around me, nor do i want it to. But i do constantly think of myself...as in the way. I need constant reassurance, otherside i feel like ive done something wrong. Again, this is where smiling comes in handy. A simple smile tells me i am welcome, im okay. Relax. When you don't smile... i need to be on guard because something is wrong. In my head, how can i keep you happy is constantly on my thoughts. You like brown hair? Red? Blond? Been there, done that. And i'll do it again. Jeans? Slacks? Dresses? Been there, too. Whether I like it or not, its keeping you happy that matters. I don't get jealous; it's not worth it. If being with that other woman makes you happy- go for it! Yes, it'll hurt like hell, but no, you will never know. I have been a witness at an ex's wedding to a female he cheated on me with. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I smile? Yes. The downside to BPD is being undecisive. I've been accused of being flaky, or being uninterested. Believe me, I'm interested! I feel like Johnny-5, waiting for input. How's your day going? (Stop, check for smile. No smile...change subject) How's work/school/home? (Stop, check for smile. Smile? Stay with subject) My mind races thru these thoughts at the speed of light, so if you ever catch me staring off into space, i'm just trying to grab one. My friends ask me my opinion... i freeze. What if mine differs from theirs? What if i open my mouth and say something stupid? It's not a matter of "Whats the worst that can happen" cause my mind knows what can/does/will happen. So my brain tells my mouth to shut up before it can get us in trouble. Decisions are better off left to you, that way i know what you like.
Welcome to me.