The truth

If i had to admit the truth to anyone, it would have to be to myself first. I know why i was in the bar that night, i know why i was flattered that Mike hit on me, and i know why i gave him my voicemail number instead of my work number. I know why i didn't call him back right away, i know why i kept standing him up, and i know why i finally met him for coffee.

I dont know why i returned his call, finally. I dont know why i kept calling him. I don't know why i didn't correct him the first time he called me his girlfriend.

I am ashamed that i called him "that night." I am ashamed that i let him think i was ready for a relationship. I am ashamed that i cannot give him the one thing he truly wants, and i lie to him to make him happy.

I hate that i cannot let go of my feelings, and therefore cannot give the love he deserves. I hate that i still put my heart ahead of my head, and that Mike continuously must put up with the shit that enters my life. I hate that he is so patient and understanding, because he has been there, he has done that, and he knows there will be a positive outcome.

I love the fact that he smiles thru my weirdness. I love that fact that he taught me what unconditional love actually is. I love the fact that he sings songs to make me smile. I love the fact that he trusts me with his heart, his son, and his life.

I'm afraid that i will lose him over my friend. I'm afraid i'll lose my friend over him. I'm afraid one or the other will find out the real truth and i'll lose them both for childish pettiness. I'm afraid the feelings i have for someone else are/will prevent me from fully loving Mike. And I'm afraid to hurt either one.