Crazy white girls

We actually went out and had fun last night. We hit the home plate, which usually has an older crowd, pretty subdued and not really crowded. Mike was so happy! introducing me as his girlfriend, his eyes shining, he was so happy. it brought back old memories, and i could almost feel myself slipping again.

We got home about 1AM and watched a movie, then went to bed. He started kissing me, and touching me, and i was liking it, i wont lie. But it had to stop before it got too far; i did not want sex with this man!!!! He got angry when i wouldn't suck his dick, and punched the wall. i knew he was hiding his anger, and crawled off the bed; scared shitless. Then it dawned on me-- RUN. I pulled my jeans over my sweats, but couldn't find my shoes. I'm looking, he's screaming "Get back in this bed!" Finally i found them, and crawled into bed, and he grabbed me. Locked his arms around me so ic ouldn't move and he fell asleep. When he was snoring, i wiggled free, and put my shoes on. But the danger was over, why bother? I went in the bathroom and... yeah. I came back to bed, and about 4AM was woke up by his screaming. He jumped out of bed, went into Nates room and slammed the door. WTF? Bad dream? I turned the lights on and realized i had bled thru the bandages, and at some point he tried to put his arms around me, and got blood on himself. Blood has a very metallic smell, i think thats what woke him up. I went into Nate's room to calm him down; he was already asleep. I handed him a new shirt, but he was OUT. He kept mumbling "No more crazy white girls..."

Thanksgiving

T-giving was Thursday, and my family was going to aunt Nancy's house. I', not a fan of that part of the family, but it doesn't feel right to go to Sharon's. Even after all the stuff she's done for me, it would be akward. So i let each one think i was at the other's house. About 3PM Mike texted me, to see what was up. the power was out at his mom's so they were going to take the turkey to another house to cook. I asked if there was anything i could do, got dressed and went up. I sat at the table with Michelle, Nate and some cousins, playing card games before anyone realized i was there. I couldn't even look at mike, i so did not want to be there. I took michelle to work at 10om, and was asleep when mike came home.

Today we wnt to visit his brother Val. Val is the least favorite of the 3 brothers, but he is closest to Mike, so i have to deal. I helped him wrap some of his christmas packages, while he and mike watched the huskies win. We just got home, and mike turned around and left. So, shoes and clothes stay on.

Snow

i love snow. it turns everything blank and pretty, and you can see clearly. The downside is there is usually ice as well. So i dont drive. And, even though it was a "too nice" move, i let Mike take MY car to work. It has better brakes, and i dont want him manuvering a stickshift while he cant see clearly. i had many reasons, none of which made sense when Michelle's boyfriend dropped her off at 6PM. Michelle had to be at work at 10, but Mike gets off work at 10... time warp? Nope. He volenteered me to take Michelle to work. And Nathan has his head so far up Michelle's ass, i had to take him too. So now i have 2 precious cargo in a car i'mnot 100% proficent in anyway. Let's take a stick-shift novice (me) and add 2 kids that wont settle down, and add ICE. Not to mention it was 9:30 before Michelle told me that Mike told her I would take her to work. Normally, i dont mind. My car, i can get her there in 10 mins. The Honda takes a bit to warm up and defrost in normal temp. It's snowing, icy, and the mins are counting down. Michelle and Nate are helping me.. oh wait, no, they're sitting IN the car watching me scrape the windows. Off we go... skipping and sliding, but holding my own. Lucky, all 3 streets i must take to get her to work have been sanded, salted or driven on enough that i have some traction. We pulled up in front of Wal-mart at exactly 10PM, michelle jumped out, and ran. Was NOT late; whew! On the way home, it started snowing heavily, but nate and i made it. And, just to have fun AND get out anger, i gunned it, and we fishtailed into our driveway. I should've hit his truck, but that wouldn't do me any good.

Too Nice?

Woke p to mike's mom calling him. His sister needs money, and wants mike to pawn the karaoke machine/stereo. he has paid her for this thing about 4 times, including the fact that when we were first dating, I PAID the bitch. i'm so glad she doesn;t know wwhere we live. He told his mom we have no money. (we??) He and his mom talked for a minute, then Mike got up and started throwing things around the room, looking for something. Shoes, i believe. I offered to help look, and that would be the straw that broke the idiots back. Seriously, snapping words at me so fast he was tripping over himself. Telling me i'm such a loser because i call the worst people my "bestfriends" because they walk all over me. This may be true, but it's MY life, not his. My family is bad because they cant say no either... alcoholic drug addicts that let anyone sleep anywhere but make no room for family... Now this part was odd becasue Mike himself is a alcoholic; at least my parents are recovering. Drug addicts? Really? From the "ex"-rock addict? Pot smokers, yes. Drug addicts... callin the kettle black aren't ya buddy? And no room for family i think comes from living in a tent on my mom's front lawn 2 years ago. Why the lawn? Cause my cousin was in the middle of a nasty somestic violence divorce and needed support. Had Mike gone with his kids, to his moms, my mom would have put me on a couch, but since i dont really like that cousin, i STILL would have chosen the tent. Sit and spin, asswad.

Airports and windstorms!!

The wind has been blowing all day, but today was crazy! I think i know why... Tinman left. And it set all the universe out of balance. Okay, that was a bit dramatic, but thats how i feel, so screw you. He found a flight, i drove him to the airport. It should have been so simple, i'll be down there in just a few weeks for Christmas. But it still hurt!!  I couldn't even watch him go thru the baggage claim, i grabbed his extra bags and left, fighting tears. Extra bags? Yeah- he had over packed and couldn't take all his stuff, so they gave us a plastic bag and i'll bring that stuff down to him in December. Now, i'm pretty sure Sea-Tac airport has seen it's fair share of tears, but i could have stopped the plane with mine. "'Scuze me, this is your captain speaking... seems we have a tidal wave of salty water headed our way, we wont be going anywhere for awhile."  Yeah? No.

But he got home safe, and sent me a picture of him with his mama. He says his ex teased him about bein a "mama's boy". WTF is wrong with that? The pic he sent me shows in his eyes how happy he was. Which helped take away the hurt, a little. I just keep thinking Christmas...Christmas...Christmas...

Found out yesterday that Nate is afraid of the dark. No, not the dark, but sounds that come out in the dark. We were watching a movie, and the wind was BLOWING. Has been for a few days, but this was awesome! All of a sudden, the lights went out. We scouted around for candles and lighters and what-not. Mike walked in about 15 mins later, in time to grab the tarp covering our porch. It was making some whistling noise, which is what prompted Nate to start freaking. Mike tied it down, and we ate dinner that had just barely finished cooking. All in all, a day i'll never forget. Especially since i'm typing thisi n my car, plugged into the cigareete lighter, watching trees swing!!!

Too good to last

Yeah, no sooner did i post 2 days ago that he went all idiot on me. And i'm sure you're sick of me writing about Mike, but try living with him. What happened this time, you ask? He left about 9 pm, normal karaoke time. Not a suprise. But by 1AM when he wasn't home, i took offf my sweats, and got dressed. Jeans, hoodie, shoes, all the trimmings.Took my meds and fell asleep. I didn't hear him come in, but i heard him yell and try to take my shoes off. Thank you double-knots, but OUCH. I got screamed at, the normal stiff, he has to go out alone, i have a fake disease, i'm a loser, he hates being alone... etc. It's now 2AM and he's playing his freaking keyboard at high volume. I SO SO SO want the neighbors to call the police.

a good week...sort of

I say sort of, because i barely left the house, but there has been no drama. I still stay dressed whenever Mike goes out, which he's sick of, but i know the first time i dont...

Birthdays and headaches

Yesterday would have been Michael's birthday, and usually our family goes to the gravesite. I couldn't go this year, because i still have these freaking headaches. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway, since Shawn's bitch would have been there, and she would have set off this constant anger i feel.

Tinman is leaving. He's not sure when, because he wanted to be home for his birthday, but things didn't happen that way. But he is leaving, and it kills me because it hurts to move, and when i'm okay, i still get flash headches. In my mind is a countdown clock, he'll leave and i'm missing out on precious moments- i can stop taking the meds and be a depressed bitch, which wouldn't make time with him fun anyway. What to do?????

Headaches

Okay, since about the beginning of October, i have been on anti-depressants, and have been suffering with headaches, like mini-migrains. Enough to make me use an old religious trick and tie a bandana tightly around my forehead, and lay down in a dark room. At points, i would grab mike and just start crying; it hurt so bad. Which, crying doesn't help headaches.

Today is my bestfriend's birthday, and i can't be with him cause these stupid headaches. back to bed... 

Dent in the door

I dont think i posted WHY i went into the hospital... The night he came home drunk after his surgery, and was throwing a fit. He came in the next morning, all apologetic cause he kicked my car. No big deal i thought. Till i saw it. A huge dent in my baby. Well, i have been having flashbacks, so i went out today to fix my car. IHAVE to get that dent out. I took my door panel off, pushed thru what i could, cause my car really is tough plastic. i couldn't get it all, and started remembering that night... All that i went thru, all that was said...  and started crying. And he came out to help. He had some pipe and stuff, so together we pushed, and popped most of it out. Its still there, so i'll always remember (Like i could forget) but i'm not into having nightmares... Here's hoping!

Different levels of drunk...

1. Happy Drunk
1. "i love you"
2. "i dont deserve you"
3. "you're so beautiful"
4. "Why do you love me?"
2. Sad Drunk
1. "Why do you love me?" (This is on the border...)
2. "My kids love you more than me"
3. "Everyone gives up on me except my mother"
3. Mad Drunk
1. "i hate my life"
2. "I'm gonna go build a tepee in the mountains, and live in peace"
3. "This whole world is just about money"
4. "Everyone hates me except my mom and you! Why do you love me?"
4. GET THE F*** OUT Drunk
1. "F__k (Insert anything here) (and here) (and here)
2. " F*cking Wh*re C*nt Bit*h!"
3. Any loud noises, such as dishes being thrown, anything breaking, etc.