Again??

 Well, it happened again. What happened you might be asking? I knew we were headed for a fight because the mother cannot stand to have two happy children even though that's continuously what she says. Since my brother moved home I've got nothing but negative reports but at the same time when the mother and I weren't talking she was telling Sean bad things about me. So, here we go.

I got new insurance through Medicare and they needed all my blood work and all my testing and everything and they needed it ASAP. I'm assuming that's so they can charge me more but that's neither here nor there. I told the mother that I needed my car back because she's had it for a year and a half and the only reason she had it was because she needed to get around with Sean being gone. She had her doctor's appointments and I wasn't using the car so why not let her, right? Didn't hurt anybody. Until, like I said, I got new insurance and they needed everything tested. Made an appointment for my eyes, ears, my yearly exam with my doctor Etc in fact, the only thing I didn't need checked was my teeth and that's basically because they're in a garbage can somewhere in Federal Way.

I wanted the appointments to all be within the same week because then I can do my appointments and she can have the car back so she can continue to cancel her appointments. I mean she cancels them because she doesn't have money for testing and yet somehow vodka shows up at Walmart. Again, another Rabbit Hole I'm not going to go down yet.

It still hurts to move and I'm leaning on Mike for more and more but I have to be careful because he started drinking again which aggravates his ulcers. That has nothing to do with me so I leave my opinion out of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him drinking but he's not driving my car so I have no opinion on this.

So I told the mother that I needed my car back at least for a couple of days because I had somehow, by the grace of God gotten all of my appointments all four appointments in 3 days. I got my yearly exam I got my vision I got my ears and I got my diabetic full body scan. That was fun, being stuck in a tube that clicks loud loud loud. Not fun.

Mike had taken me because I'm still very afraid of falling. Even with my cane it's a little wobbly and if I fall it's really going to hurt and it's really going to take more muscle than I have to get up. So I'm very careful to always have somebody with me, the mother and Mike don't have to be reminded of my anxieties, they know and they know what I can and cannot do. Two weeks ago I woke up and I had a text from the mother with a picture of the receipt saying Tabs are due. Okay, cool. She said she would buy the tabs I said please do not by the tabs she said she's going to buy the tabs and we went round and round. Two weeks ago I woke up and she said all of my stuff was in my car my car was in my driveway and I need to take Grandma's name off of the car because if something happens apparently the mother thinks she's still liable. I'm thinking she needs to look up Washington state law but, that's usually what she calls me to do and I can tell by the attitude coming through in the texts that she's not about to ask me a thing except when am I going to come get this car because she's sick of me holding it over her like it's the only car in the universe. I don't care if she drives the car grandma did not and would not care if she drives the car the only person Grandma does not want driving the car? Yeah my brother, Shawn. And that's only because he drives drunk that's only because he drives like well like he's the only car in the universe. If Grandma didn't have a problem with him driving she would have said something and she didn't. In fact she said the opposite. She does not under any circumstances want him driving her car at that point my name was not on the car and according to the mother all her, she made the final choice, she made all the decisions when it came to that car. Explain to me this then? Why didn't she go to the DOL to put her name on the car or both of our names on the car? Grandma and I had talks about the car and my cousin Carrie does not have a car and it made more sense to like Carrie use the car. Except, Carrie is the kind of person who does not put insurance on vehicles and is she got pulled over she's going to let the police officer know where he can go and how he can get there. So I was second possibly third because let's face it Grandma had a lot of grandkids. I didn't mind but with Medicare you can only have so many assets and my mother is telling anybody that will listen that she is the executor. She's the executor of the will, the executor of all of Grandma's things, the executor of God above if she had her way.

So, back to the text that I got almost 3 weeks ago. Mike and I had errands to run, I had mapped everything out so that he could run in and do his things return to the truck, go up and get my medication and things and then return to the truck pick up my car from the mother's house and come home. We're both out of the house, we're both getting our stuff done and with the minimalist amount of pain possible. I got dressed and was tying my shoes and Mike went out to warm up his truck. He came back in about a minute later and told me that my car was in the parking lot. My little blue Lightning That was supposed to be at the mother's house was sitting in my driveway. No warning, no hey are you home, no nothing nada. About 10 minutes later she sends me a text with a picture of a TV that Sean has given to Mike. I still think this was a wonderful gift, I was told that Sean had four TVs and just decided to give one to Mike.

I don't know how long my car was out there but I do know that she wanted me to know under no uncircumstances that she had cleaned the steering wheel and the radio panel but Sean scrubbed the car. He vacuumed it he scrubbed it and I was really grateful because it does look nice! It has that brand new look to it and I sent him a thank you. My only complaint is that if I knew they were coming, I've got Christmas gifts and I could have given them to Shawn. But that's okay because I have my car, the mother is happy my brother is happy, so far we're doing good. And then...

I was told that Shawn did all the cleaning,  and I let her know I had thanked him and really the car looked super nice.  I was thinking maybe Shawn could get a job with JC, but before I could put that idea out the mother told me how disappointed she was in me,  again,  and it's better if we part ways and she doesn't want my car in her driveway again.  I told her this was not an airport and she didn't have to tell me she was departing.  She told me she was still departing and that maybe we should just not talk anymore. She said she took her name off the shared Walmart account, and we hung up. 

It's been 3 weeks,  no contact.  I'm not sorry,  I'm not even hurt.  Oddly enough,  I miss my dad. I do pray that if something happens to somebody in the blue house that I'll at least get the phone call. But last time when my dad beat the s*** out of my mom, I had to find out by looking up his name on Google. I guess if there's a good thing to be pulled out of all this, it's brought Mike and I closer together. He's hugging me and he's there when I'm crying because the motherhas shown again and again that we're there is smoke, there is fire. And where there's fire it's automatically my fault. So this time, I have erased her name and the phone number and email from all of my Outlets. Having bipolar is bad enough, but when your own mother thinks everything  negative, it's heartbreaking.

Happy 2026?

Im not quite sure what happened...I know i needed to update dr labs, make an eye appointment, ear appointment, and go talk to my dr. I also knew it would take getting my car back, because my mom had her appointments and mike had his, so i would either need an uber or i need my car back. I tried to explain this to my mom, as shes been using my car. i let her use it for a YEAR AND A HALF. I have the text that says "You can cencel your insurance, im covered under any car i drive." Well, thats nice for you, but...your insurance wont cover my car, by your own words, unless you are on the title. No problem, right? But i still need a ride- 4 rides actually, and i dont have a driver. My mom had her appointments that she'll cancel, but my insurance is crawling in my window because its new an they want a baseline for future tests. So, i let my mom know, and the heavens opened up. She keeps acting like im asking for money, or hiding a dead body. She did do a favor for me, kind of. I kept asking Mike to take me to get my car, because he has a follow up on his surgery. I had  to make an appointment to pee in a cup, give blood, visit my dr and stop by the eye dr to drop off new insurance. 

I told my mom about needing my car, and OMG you'd think id ask her to chop off an arm. I swear, all i need was the car. i rescheduled my vision, hearing and peeing in a cup, having no transportation. I should be mad, but get this... She went off on me! Like- all of a sudden i invented hell and shawn was oh so wonderful. He gave Mike a nice TV, he cleaned and vaccummed the car (and it looks GREAT!) and my mom brought my car down. I can only imagone that conversation... how horrible i am for not putting the car in her name. 

She gets paid at the end of the month and i get paid at the beginning. She pays her bills, and i pay mine. I dont borrow money, because im working with a credit card company and watch every penny. I called DoL in Olympia, to find out how much it will cost to switch grandma off the car and put my mom on. Ive called 3 different times, and been on hold so long i felt my blood pressure rise. Finally i just sent an email. I let my mom know, and we waited. This would have been a good time to talk about who's paying what- 50/50? But anytime anybody brings up the car, things get tense. Does she think im holding the keys over her head like a treat? I never wanted that!!

Its not like i purposfully made appointments to piss her off. New health insurance needs them. Luckily i dont need a gyno again, that was not a fun time.   

So, my parents 43rd anniversary was the 25th and they celebrated by getting an airbnb and relaxing in the mountains. They did this last year and she loved and hated it. My dad plays on his phone, and she  for a walk, but they didnt get to do things together. You know, like married couples do? I was waiting to see if she had a good time, fingers crossed. 

Shawn has a 2025 tv hes going to give to mike. So...hows this: Mike and i go up to their house, get that tv, get the car, my mom even has bags of aluminum cans for mike. If i could coodinate all these things, i would feel... better, my to-do list and all it entails smushed into 1 thing. I can do that, right? 

Enter mom. i had told her about all the appointments, wanting to make sure nothing overlapped, and she knew all was clear. Here's where it gets ugly. =(

She and i have been going round and round about the tabs. I have 1 income, and a carefully balanced budget. She has 1 income but uses that for 3 adults and 2 dogs to feed and take care of. Id rather she not take care of me- i know its done in love but my dad gives her such grief, and with Shawn there, i want to ease her load, not add to it. 

So round and round about the tabs, and she actually sent me a picture showing that she bought them. Because the car is in grandmas name as well, anything to do with the car goes to my moms address. No problem, really. I woke up wednesday and it had snowed! We had a dry winter but the little bit was so pretty. 

Mike was outside crunching around in it and told me my car was here. huh? I got dressed, took my meds, did my morning routine, etc. When i saw i had a text from my mom, telling me she dropped my car off and a picture of the new tabs, still in envelope. 

I had to pull my car back into our spot, she had parked in Alan's spot. So i went down to move my car-- it was so so clean! She vacummed and wiped it down, it still even had a nice girly smell, like new car smell. I told Mike he should grab the tv because if someone sees it, they may break a window or worse and my insurance doesn't kick in until April 1st. I sent my mom a big thank you, i knew she wouldnt hurt the car but it really looked nice! I texted her thank you for the tabs, and for such a clean car and she made it quite clear that Shawn cleaned and vacummed and she didnt know why. She even told him to pawn the tv. 

A few hours go by, and i had somehow forgotten that everything is fodder when it comes to my mom. Dont dare tell her something that you dont want thrown back in your face. Me? Ive been wanting to go back to church, but having no car has been a hassle. i can zoom in, but its not the same. My mom offered to take me but the rain makes the porch slippery and i cant walk on a good day! I also have been fighting an eternal struggle with my pastor, and passed my worries onto my mom. 

Me and my stupid mistakes! 

My pastor is awesome, truly. He helped me work thru my guilt about Islam, he baptised me- he really has helped me. When it comes to politics however, hes well read, and knows what hes talking about, while i pay attention to what i like. Pastor said something political that i (and many people) didnt agree with, and i was talking about this comment to my mom. So guess what got thrown back in my face out of the blue? Yeah. Apparently im not Christian, who knew? <Insert Charlie Kirk comment here?>

Apparently she did. And because i had confided in her, i guess she needed to throw it back in my face, letting me know its not my pastors fault im a horrible Christian. Yep, i have a lovely text from my mother telling me this. 

I have so many saved texts, im going to take screenshots and reset my phone.

Been awhile

 2 years ago my mom needed to borrow my car to go to the doctor. Absolutely no problem, except I didn't get my car back. In fact it's been 2 years, and I still don't have it back. Not that I go places, but it would be nice if I could.

 Church, doctor appointments, Etc. Since tomorrow is my parents anniversary and they have their own car I had a good feeling that with nobody there to babysit him my little brother would take my car. That was the one rule that Grandma had, he was not to drive the car because he drives like an idiot. 

So my parents are going up into an Airbnb and going to spend three or four days to celebrate the anniversary of my mom liking my dad for the day. Never mind that yesterday she wanted a divorce and she hates that he comes home and does the dishes and yada yada.

I'm careful when Brandy comes over with her babies because I know it hurts my mom that she will never be a grandmother. Unfortunately, she's thinking of a negative. Because when I was with Iman she had grandkids when I was with Matt she had grandkids and now that I'm with Mike if she chose she could have grandkids. At this point she's had got two great-grandkids and another on the way!

But since it's not her blood, she doesn't look at it as hers. Oh max? Yeah, Max was definitely her grandson and I'm pretty sure if Alexis shows up with the new baby she'll accept that baby is her own and I shouldn't care because she's happy she gets grandkids but it does hurt a little bit. So I don't get to tell her that I have the cutest little babies in my house over the weekend and I don't get to tell her any of the fun things even though she has given Frankie for Tonka cars but that gets us started on Brian Weber which gets us started on the negative path. From Weber we have Brian Ashcraft who thought he was the s*** yada yada and then from Brian Ashcraft we have well, we just have a mess it's really not worth going into because they were Michael's friends and Michael's been gone for almost 20 years. Although every now and then she does throw it back in my face that she'll never have grandkids but Sean gave you two and I've given you like seven, so you not having grandkids is not our problem.

So, 2 weeks ago, I had medication to pick up, and an eye doctor to go to. Diabetes is no joke, and I'm careful with my neuropathy and pain in my legs. I'm not in a hurry to have any appendages cut off!

I can't walk normally. I asked Mike to take me to the hospital to give blood, because I got new insurance and they are testing everything from A to Z and back again. Not nearly as fun as it sounds! But me and my Supreme walking skills? Yeah... I fell out of the wheelchair, onto my wrist, hip and floor.  The nurse had to call for help because my entire right side was numb. Here comes 2 nurses that helped me back into the wheelchair, as I was trying not to cry from embarrassment and praying Mike's labs were done and we could go and go fast. 

That night I got my test results and a note from my doctor saying that I had waited too long and the tests were who owned to use. Not quite sure how, but that's what he said and no I have to go get blood again. Not only do I have to give blood, I have to pee in a cup, he wants special lab work for kidney failure and a colonoscopy, plus we have to go through all my medications so that my insurance company can tell me if they cover meds or if we have to play around and find out a medication that works for me.

I asked my mom when I made the appointment if she could take me. I know she has lots of appointments coming up and her doctor wants blood work as well. It sucks that our doctors aren't closer because then I could just go with her or she could just go with me but that's not how our lives work.

So, today is February 24th tomorrow is my parents anniversary and I thought they were leaving for there and then day because my dad usually doesn't get off work until 2:00. But! Tomorrow is Wednesday the 25th which is their actual anniversary and I guess they want to get an early start. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow vision test on Thursday a hearing test on Friday it's going to be a very busy week. Unfortunately I don't get to have a busy week because I made the mistake of asking for my car. And I'm not quite sure what opened that dragon's mouth but all of a sudden she's buying my tabs she's vacuumed out my car there's a mold spot that grandma would just be devastated to see. On and on and I couldn't believe that she was saying these things to me because I never asked her to buy the tabs, I will be returning them let Washington State take that money, I don't want to be beholden to anything and she somehow seems to think that I hold my car over her head. I don't quite understand because if you're not going to drive it, give it back. It's a car it's not a toy.

We haven't had a fight in a while and the things that came out of her mouth tell me that I don't want to talk to her for a while. I have had my by my side and he hasn't complained. He doesn't laugh at me but he makes me laugh. And I don't get to tell her that because I don't want to hurt her in any way. But I feel like the things that I tell her she's taking stuff and that's not normal for a relationship.

So for now I will just go about with my day and my appointments and things that I have to do and it's going to put yet another day in this fight but I really don't care anymore. She's fighting with me because she doesn't have shawn  and she doesn't have Sean because she doesn't like Liz. So you want to sit and complain about the grandkids you don't have? Say goodbye to the kids that you do.

My sister?!?!!

Okay, I hope I'm not getting scammed because this would throw me over the edge. But I just got a message from.. my sister! She's coming into town just for a day and wants to finally meet. If this is a scam I swear to everything holy I will find them and I will beat them and then I will feed them to all my mom's pitbulls. They like raw meat. If this is real, this is a dream I have been dreaming for 30 years. Of course I said yes so now I just have to wait on pins and needles for 2 weeks. Do I get excited or wait and see if this is some weird scam? Oh screw it, I'm going to get excited! I wish I had someone to be excited with.

Marlena would love this, unfortunately I need to be a little bit selfish and continue to stay away from her. Mike won't give a damn, and my mom will consider it treason of some sort. She has wanted me to talk to my sister but I don't think she thought we would ever meet. And where will we meet? If we go to her house or to any Denny's, then my mom will really have something to light that fuse. But it's not like they can just come here, because I don't want to be 100% selfish and not let my sister her other family too. And do I tell her why I am uncomfortable around all people? Do I tell her why Helen is a sore spot in my life? Not only because my mom's memories but because when Papa was dying she still didn't reach out. I think I'm going to keep that to myself until we see how this plays out. I would hate to put a cloud over any visitation just because of my past and my mother's past. It's going to be hard enough explaining why I'm allergic to people. Holy crap, I'm going to meet my sister!! My heart is going 3,000 Beats per minute and it's pure happy excitement so I'm just going to chalk this one up to we'll see what happens and hopefully everybody's happy and family can mean good things again.

I have so many questions and the funny/ironic thing is neither one of us new Ed. My dad was his best friend, his sister was my dad's girlfriend, so we're both of my uncles and my younger uncle on a dare but we won't go there just yet. I'm scared to meet her but I want to know this woman that my mom hates so much. I mean, I get why she hates her because I despise Emad's wife,  but that's not exactly the same. My mom looks at my dad like a trophy, something to be one. And they've been married for 43 years so I guess you could say she did win. So why does she continue to feel my head with these stories about when they were 15, 16, 17 years old? My head is spinning and if I continue writing I won't go into this visit with an open heart.

Maybe they can meet Helen for lunch and I'll take her out for dinner? But I don't want it obvious that I'm avoiding Helen. Yeah, I need to power down my electronics and just do some thinking for a while. Wish me luck on what to do!

The absolute 100% most important thing? I'm meeting my sister! My sister my sister my sister!!

Annie

 Val's girlfriend Annie passed away today. She's been battling Huntingtons for as long as I know her which is 15 years but they told me back then she wasn't going to make it 6 months so she's a fighter! 

The past 3 days have been hell because she can't eat and when the Val gives her Ensure she just throws it up. The chaplain's been out there and hospice has been out there. Val has been in touch with me but not Mike because we all know what Mike's going to do when he hears the news.

Ironically Mike called in sick today and about 2:00 Val called and told him to get out there, now is the time. About 15 minutes later Val texted me that she was gone. According to what I can find out Mike has texted his kids so that's a plus. I know he's hurting but I also know that he's going to leave his brother's house and, well, not come straight home.

 I'm hurting a little bit because Mike hasn't contacted me at all which is pathetic to be sad about considering, but he knows that I liked Annie and wouldn't it be considerate to get a phone call or a text? But he's made it clear over the past few months that he and I are no longer he and I. I'll try to post if they plan a celebration of life because I know I won't be invited. Again, Petty as hell but that's how I feel right now.  Val has kept me up to date but not Mike.

Moms always right?

Spent the afternoon with my mom, not doing anything fun.  I finally went in and got my eyes checked; I was sick of everything being blurry so my mom pulled rank and made me go. Turns out she was right () and I've got some serious things to have checked. Nothing diabetic, thank u Jesus! But some things none the same. Then we sat in the car and visited for a few hours so I wasn't anxious about what's coming. Wish me luck so I can keep updating! 

Happy daughter day

 Not too many people know that when I was 20 I became a mom to 2 adorable children. My daughter was 10 and my son was 8. In 2004 the whole family (kids, dad, grandma, and co-mom) went back to Iraq and I haven't heard from them in 20 years until July when an accident brought my daughter back in my life. In my mind she is still that teeny little child, even though she has 3 of her own now. That said, Happy Daughters day, "R". I have never stopped looking for or loving you and I'm so proud of who you've become

My... daughter... holy wow!!

 For those who don't know, when I was 20 I had a small family of 2 children, and the in laws that came with them. In 2002 that entire family went home (Iraq) and I've spent my adulthood looking for them, while afraid to find them.

Recently I was reunited with my 33 yr old daughter and she is just as happy to be reunited as I am, even though our lives have taken drastic turns.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we fill in gaps and straighten the edges of what was taken from us

Don =(

 Don is Mike's stepfather and he's one of the best. Literally,  when you treat him with respect,  he's like Santa Claus and will be your best friend.  He puts up with Mike and brothers,  and a bunch of females and female issues.  He's the kind of guy who would go into a store,  buy tampons,  buy cookies,  hide the tampons in the cookie bag and give you both,  without making a big deal about it. 

I once asked him if I could have some spare blocks for a church craft.  He gave me the spares, cut more for me,  donated some paper and money,  showed up at church and bought his own blocks back,  and donated money to my church.  

He's been having some issues and in and out of the hospital and it saddens me that he doesn't feel well.  I won't state it here cause it is his private life but he deserves prayer,  so if you are reading this... please pray for Don. 

Homemade pain relief; yuck!

 I found this recipe online it's part cayenne pepper and part castor oil. Mix it all together in a jar Shake It Up Every now and then, and rub it on your sore spots. Supposedly it works better than THC or any other medical science stuff. I want to believe it because castor oil is what they used to use as punishment when a child was bad or as a.. bathroom remedy. As in I haven't pooped in a week so PA gives you castor oil. All I've noticed so far is when I walk around the yard I got a bunch of dogs following me. A little unnerving, hahaha!

I noticed Shawn was online so I sent him a picture of it. He's in Arizona with Lizzie and then I guess they're coming here to Washington. My mom thinks it's all about money but I think Shawn has the same disorder I do, we just can't be alone. Doesn't matter if we actually love the ones we're with-- we just can't be alone.

It's a little bizarre too text Sean because at one point he told my mom he thought I never loved him. As I've blurted out in this blog before, I almost killed him in the car accident so maybe I'm afraid to get close to him but I swear I've never stopped loving him! He's the baby brother that found Michael and 911 is telling him how to do CPR on a dead body. He is the baby brother that saw the kitchen on fire when he was only four or five years old. If he hadn't gone out to the kitchen when he did, we would have been trapped in the bedroom. Yeah, we could have jumped out the window of the trailer but you don't think about things like that when it's actually happening. He's the baby brother that helped me tell Michael that the neighbor dog all but decimated his dog, patches. Michael loved that dog and they came to play with the kids I was babysitting and that neighbor dog made patches out of patches. I was crying at 15 years old but at 9 years old s h a w n was the strong one. How can he think I don't love him? That's one for the ages I suppose.

happy valentines day 2024

 

My Valentine this year started Monday even though Valentine's was on a Wednesday. On Monday Mike was at the bar pretty late as per use on Mondays but this time before he left the bar he texted me do I want him to bring me home something? He said they have good tacos salad and he knows that's my favorite so I said yes! He said this was my Valentine's Day dinner. 

So I was extremely surprised on Tuesday when he tried to sneak me in a balloon and a dozen red roses! Normally we don't do Valentine's Day because our anniversary is so close but a girl gots to love flowers in a balloon right? And they are beautiful! 

But after he got home from work on Wednesday and I gave him my Valentine's present which was a heated back massager we didn't really talk. Well, kind of. I made lasagna and salad for him because he always cooks for me and then he went in and took a bath. When he got out of the bath he was naked and wiggling all over the place but he was in a good mood so I just ignored the naked. That was the last time I saw him that night. 

He went into the living room and watched TV for about an hour and then he went to bed. I asked him if he wanted company, and he made some weird noise but... it's a question if you don't answer it I'm not going to assume. He knows this, and he knows how much it hurts me when he just makes some weird sounds instead of answering me. 

But about a half an hour later I did hear his phone beep and I knew he was texting somebody. I waited to see if he was texting me or maybe his brother because Val is very depressed today. I checked what I know and how I know it and I felt ice hit my heart. He was texting Veronica, making sure she had a good Valentine's Day. He did not text either one of his daughters or his mom or anybody else, just her, just the one that I had to remind him and her that it's inappropriate to speak the way they were speaking to each other.

 Now I'm looking at these flowers and this balloon and my heart hurts because I thought we were past all this but I guess not. Happy Valentine's Day. 😔 

My sister...No, cousin i suppose.

 Heres the story- My sister is actually my cousin, my parents tried adopting her and her sister Britney. But their mother said no, people would think she was a bad mom. Nobody thought she would be a bad mom because nobody around her knew she was a mom at all.

During the court process and the lawyer process and all the processing processes Cortney needed somebody and so did I. She was only 12 years younger than I and she was my best friend. On the weekends when Mike would go to the bar she would come over and we would order pizza and watch movies.

On the day that Michael died I was the one that picked Courtney up from school Comma I was the one that Told her As we were driving down the road Exactly what had happened. I can remember the song that was playing on the radio as I told her and the look on her face when I made it clear exactly what had happened. When we got to Grandma's house I started working on Grandma's computer which was all she was worried about. She only has messenger and that was how she was getting a hold of people during the day. Not that it was her people to tell because it started a big fight between Aziz and myself and Cortney and Nikki.

Switched out my ticket and therefore Northwest Airlines wouldn't switch it again, therefore I had to get a whole new ticket, one way. This led to an argument between my husband and myself and my family wanting me to stay in Seattle, not go back to Sweden.

 So here is the actual conversation that Nikki and I had. After we had this conversation, Nikki went right to my sister and told her that I did not like her fiance and that I thought she was making a mistake. I have read that text over and over and I don't see where I say that! Am I losing my mind?

The messed up thing is that Cortney Didn't come to me to verify. She did, after about four years contact my mom, who does not remember what Courtney told her. We all know why but we all don't tell. So that's where we are. I guess before she passed away Courtney contacted grandma and grandma told her she needs to make amends before something happens because we are her two favorite granddaughters and we need to be there for each other. I wish it was that easy, I really do. But we never texted or called and after my grandma died in 2020, will never know.

I hate my birthday

 What is it about having a birthday at the beginning of the month that means it's going to be a shitty birthday? When I was younger,  my birthday came before the check of the month,  so I guess as a baby I was shorted. Growing up I would get books,  books,  books! Also I knew what I was getting for Christmas... I would get a cd player for birthday,  cds for Christmas.  Vcr for birthday,  movies for Christmas.  So not to bad,  right? Help me understand what happened,  then...

About a week ago Shawn's newest mistake showed up from Arizona and she's going to stay for "the holidays" (Thanksgiving,  Christmas,  new years,  4th of July?? Don't ask my parents,  it's not like it's their house or anything. ) No real set time zone and how in the hell is this chick making money to support my brother, get a new apartment,  and take time off whatever job she's got? Claims to be doordash but that seems shay to me...

But I digress. Things got heated in the house and Lizzy's sister-in-law had a heart attack so they pushed everything into the car and left this Saturday after Thanksgiving. Which kind of put a damper on Sunday being as it was my birthday. 

Nobody was in the mood to celebrate, not that we celebrate anymore anyway, but I was hoping for some "happy birthdays"!. 

Truthfully, the important people remembered. Windsong and a bunch of people on Facebook wished me happy birthday. My pastor and Linda sent me a text, my Mom and Dad did text me and promise to make it up to me when things are better. Pretty sure that's what I got last year too hahaha. 

Usually Mike's family members because River's birthday is 2 days before mine but River went to Europe last month and so she got to celebrate early. I'm a little bit hurt to know that I was just a date on the calendar but I guess it is what it is. And, and keeping with his norm, not a damn thing from Mike except can you, will you come I need this, fuck. Suffice to say 44 can only get better!

Mom's birthday pt 2

Well, it didn't turn out exactly like we wanted but we both had fun. The hotel is really only about an hour's drive away so it was perfect in that sense. We got there and we got settled in the room and we had actually gotten a free upgrade because of my disability. I asked them to put me in a room close to the front door because it hurt to walk and when we walked in and I am using a walker the lady got on her computer and moved us to a closer room which happened to be the family room. It had a separate bedroom with a king size bed and a TV and then a huge living room with a couch, two chairs, a kitchen not just a kitchenette, full size refrigerator which turned out to be helpful and we were just about 20 ft from the door to the pool. 

Also because we were on the bottom floor, and the other rooms were above us it was so quiet! I would love to go back and we're  thinking about going back for a my birthday / Christmas family holiday because I think my dad would have a blast. 

But anyway so we got there and we set up our luggage and I told her to take the king size bed because this was her birthday and I wanted her to feel like a princess. Nobody spoils my mom, she works for everything she gets and I needed her to feel spoiled this weekend. So we got on our bathing suits and we hit the pool! Problem is my mom is temperature sensitive. If something is a little bit cold for her it's very very cold to the point where it almost hurts and she can't stand it. The pool was normal pool temperature which is cold at first but once you get in and you're moving it starts to warm up. But it hurt her to even stand in the shallow end because of her sensitivity. She went and got in the hot tub I think she had a great time. 

Unfortunately it didn't last. She stayed in the hot tub for about 20 minutes and then got out and was playing on her phone (still having a good time no problem) but then she went back to the room to order pizza for dinner. Which I'm not going to give the play-by-play of everything that happened because this was her weekend and she can basically do whatever she wants! 

I don't care to judge her but (I think) she was hiding a bottle and yet she was also trying to tell me that she wasn't drinking and that she stopped drinking and that she was going to go into rehab and I was proud of her except I knew none of it was true. That's all I'm going to say about that because again this was her weekend and I want her to do what she wants. 

And I think she had a really good time because she wanted to stay an extra couple of days! So I contacted the agent that helped me set up the reservation and paid for two more days and they said no problem and then she changed her mind because she wanted to be back for Shawn's birthday. All I have heard was how shawn doesn't care about her Shawn doesn't care about anybody Shawn just wants what Shawn wants-- it's getting old and it's also part of the reason that I took her away from Shawn for her birthday even though his birthday is 2 days after hers. 

That's why when she said she wanted to stay two extra days I had no problem! I almost knew that she was going to invite Shawn down to DuPont to stay with us and so I told her she can take the king size bed and I prefer to sleep on the couch I really actually do. But this also served to be a buffer Because unless Shawn wants to sleep with Mommy he's not coming down. He can come and play in the pool I suppose I don't know. 

Anyway right after I made the reservation she felt guilty and had me cancel it so we ended up going back home. But again I digress I noticed that every time we got out of the pool, she had to do laundry and wash her bathing suits. This seemed a little weird because we're only going to go back in the pool within the hour if you're washing my bathing suit I can't go back in the pool, we have to wait for the laundry to be done, why not just wait until we're getting ready to leave and then do the laundry? I was beginning to think she was going to be like Grandma and have to do laundry every day no matter if there was laundry or not.

Grandma would legit wash a towel, a washcloth and a shirt. It's a waste of water and at this hotel it was a waste of money. But again, it was my mom's day and whatever she wanted I went along with. Until she fell. That's when I realized why she was going to the laundry room every half an hour or so. I don't know where she hid it, wrapped up in the bathing suits or maybe tucked inside her bathing suit but she had a bottle of alcohol. Telling me she's not going to drink and then drinking kind of put a negative feeling on this vacation.

I don't care if she drinks, she's an adult. Let me rephrase that I don't want her to drink around me because I hate the way alcohol changes people's personality but, again, she's an adult and if she wants to drink, she's going to drink. Me complaining is not going to stop that in fact it's going to cause her to do it more and hide it more. So anyway again I was in the pool for about 3 hours LOL she had ordered pizza for dinner and when it arrived she came to get me. We had dinner and we talked and it was a pretty good night. We both played on our phones and then went back to the pool and went back to the room and watch some TV and just relaxed and didn't do too much of anything. 

The next day she woke up before I did and went out and got the continental breakfast which is always a treat in a hotel. My mom got me a plate and some orange juice and then we celebrated by cutting her cake that I bought from walmart, a tiny little cake just for the two of us and we went to the pool one more time and then we came home. 

The drive home was fun because it was raining and again it's only an hour's Drive but it's all major freeway and so we took the back roads. We both downloaded an app that would help take the back streets and avoid the freeway full of 18-wheelers in the rain because I told her I'm not comfortable driving in that I it's making me panic. With a Little Help from the app we took a nice Scenic journey home which caused her to have memories of growing up of both my father's and Grandma and Grandpa and we did a lot of talking and it was really needed and it was really nice. 

I needed her to get away and clear her head and she did. Unfortunately she had texted Shawn to meet us at my house so that they could go by marijuana and she could get Sean a birthday present. But that's the kind of person that my mom is. She's not going to let a birthday go by without something, even though she knows he doesn't care.

Happy birthday mama!

 So I've been planning this for a few weeks but today is my mom's birthday and I'm kidnapping her to a hotel for just mother daughter time. This hotel has a 24-hour pool and hot tub so she can kick back, relax, not do dishes or laundry or worry about Sean and his current fuck buddy and who's sleeping on the couch and how my dad feels or doesn't feel or eats or doesn't eat her any of the bullshit that she goes through on a daily basis. She can actually relax and just be her.

Day at the Dr's

 I had a doctor's appointment today for the first time in 18 months. I haven't seen Dr Seaholm since before my hysterectomy in March of 2022. We had a virtual visit so I've been in contact with him and I let him know through mychart my aches and pains and so forth but the computer will only fill your medications if you can see the doctor at least once a year. And when all of my medications are running out, I know that Walgreens sucks when it comes to refilling on time so I am not running out of my medication each month.  I knew they wouldn't warn me ahead of time so I had to Buck up and go in. 

Lucky for me, Mike drove me. And sad to say for him I am a horrible horrible passenger because he really is a good driver. It's just that there's a lot of other people that don't know he's a good driver. And he doesn't quite know that Federal Way is really a high traffic area and I couldn't take him anxiety pill because I had to give blood before my doctor's appointment so..

 he got me there in one piece and he went in and got me a wheelchair and wheeled the wheelchair right out to the truck passenger side door for me and then wheeled me back into the wheelchair, wheeled me back into the receptionist desk wheeled me back to the lab sat with me to make sure that I was good to go and then when he started having panic then he went out to his truck. This is way above and beyond the amount of help that I expected to get and I was so so grateful for him.

 The lady at the lab finished with me and took me right back into Drs office and about 10 minutes later he came in.  we discussed going off of lithium but starting Gabapentin for the nerve pain. I know they work better in tandem; he says he doesn't mind if I go off the lithium but he doesn't want to be the doctor that does that. He wants me to see a psychiatrist so I will be under mental health care and they can help titrate me down. I don't mind this because when I'm off of the lithium then he can put me on a water pill and that will take care of the edema in my leg. The edema has been so bad that I can't wear pants! I had to leave the house in a skirt for the first time in I don't know how long. 

Doctor also put me on something that's kind of like the new weight loss/diabetes medication that everybody is going crazy for. It's called ozempic but my insurance doesn't cover that so I got the different brand and it works with the lithium to keep my blood sugar even more in check and it's also a weight loss one of the side effects though is dizziness and nausea so he wants me to be careful and watch out for that because if I fall naproxen and Gabapentin aren't going to help me. It's going to hurt!

 Mike brought me home and made it safely thru the Federal Way traffic but stopped by the store and when he turned his truck off it shuttered a little bit and I had told him that I saw water drip out when he was pulling up at the doctor's office but he knows his truck so he knew about the water. Well, when he tried to restart his truck at the liquor store it wouldn't start! It wouldn't turn over you just hear this tick tick tick tick and at this point my legs were both numb so if I had to get out of that truck I was just praying I could.  there was no way I could walk if I tried to even stand up outside the truck I knew I was going to be in trouble at the same time I'm waiting to hear from Walgreens that my medication is ready and they told me nope, there's a problem with the insurance. As per usual with Walgreens. 

So Mike got his tools that he has in his truck and Miracle of Miracles because I wouldn't have known what to do, but he poured some cold water in the radiator and cleaned off the battery let it sit for a couple of minutes and it started right up! He's smarter than anything he is in that department. So we got home and I sat down on our porch and just took in how beautiful everything was because truthfully I don't leave my bedroom. It's 10 ft from my bed to the toilet and 10 feet back and that makes me so winded and in so much pain that I just can't walk sometimes I can take my recycle bin out to the porch for like to take downstairs for me and sometimes I have to leave it at the door and he takes it from me from there. I feel lazy but he understands that I'm hurting and hopefully the Gabapentin will kick in and I can start doing more helping him around the house.

 After about an hour or two I came in and I was going to sit down on my bed for just a minute, just.. minute. Next thing I know it's 4 hours later and the house is completely dark including my bedroom light has been turned off. I don't remember even laying down but I was so tired apparently I hit the bed and was out. Thank goodness for talk to text so I can post this while it's still all in my head. Good night!

What a great day! =(

Today was a good day, it really was! I need to put my mother and her drinking in the back corner of my mind because it's starting to affect my health.

     I had a heart episode, not a heart attack but it did feel like I was being electrocuted in my heart and this one on for about 8 hours. And nobody gave a shit. This was because I listened to my mom and her graphic details of my dad's genitalia and their sex life. But I digress.

       Today Mike invited me up to say goodbye to becky, his sister, who is taking her daughter and moving with her husband to Wales in England! Truthfully I've never felt close to Becky although she's never done anything to me. I just don't reach out to people and Becky's a very friendly woman that has a lot of friends and I prefer not a lot of friends. But when we got there she was making dinner and we talked for a minute and I got to talk with her daughter River who is the absolute sweetest dream of a daughter that you could ever wish to have. Mike's mom made sure that I had a comfortable chair and I made sure my cane didn't trip over anybody. While Becky was cooking there were a few people playing a card game at the table and Seafair was on TV in the background. It was so awesome. Don has a big screen TV that makes those hydropellings seem larger than life! I saw the Blue Angels and all their wonderful formations and nobody was yelling, nobody was drinking, nobody was swearing! I was so relaxed I didn't even have to take my anxiety pill. 

      Truthfully, this is kind of the atmosphere of Sharon and Don's house. They don't like a lot of drama and they don't accept it in their house and I so appreciate that and I respect that decision. This is a family that does so many things- - every birthday, thanksgiving, easter, christmas, just because they want to get together, they get together. Sometimes it's planned and sometimes it's just hey it's going to be a sunny day want to come over or let's go meet at Mom's.

      On one side of their house they have a ramp that is used for wheelchairs or people like me who have to limp slowly I can't wait until Tuesday when doctor see home gives me my shot and hopefully a pain pill or two. I don't want more than that because I don't need friends that want to be my friends because I have pills.

     We were there for a few hours and when it came time to leave Becky and Sharon walked us out to the car and Becky hugged me and started to cry when I told her that I would miss her more than I thought. I wish I could write her a letter and explain how I feel, maybe I'll get an email address from her? But I didn't think that her leaving would affect me and now I find myself missing her so I don't quite know what to do. I know I'll send her messages through Facebook but it won't be the same. Hopefully I'll grow a backbone and send her an email or even snail mail! And we can be pen pals:-)

ReplyForward

How stupid can you be? Bar gets set lower everytime.

 Step 1- tricked neighbor into mowing the lawn, because you cant breathe to do it yourself. 

Step 2- Lie to landlord and claim you mowed 3 times, even though theres been no rain and the grass isnt growing. 

Step 3- Moan and bitch that the landlord, {who never asked you to mow, you just did it and then sent her a bill}  didnt cut you a check immediately and call a 86yr old woman horrid names.  

Step 4- (Heres where i come in) Play pretend, like you dont know how to deposit a check at the real bank, which is between bar 1 and bar 2. So  you bring me your phone and ask me to deposit it thru the app. When i open the webpage, it opens TWENTY EIGHT other pages. No wonder your battery drains fast! I start to close the tabs...porn. porn porn and more porn. Each page more graphic than the last.  I dont even care about the porn, but im looking at proof you can handle the internet on your phone.   I closed them all and deposited your check. Then it hit me for real...

You only watch porn when your high. You went to tacoma just a few days ago... I had to know...i checked the deposit to see if it was accepted and there it was... 80 dollar (plus fee) from the ATM at the Monkey and 80 withdrawal (plus fee) from the GoldenWest, crackbar in Tacoma. Yea...boohoo, have no money coming in...boo hoo check my PML.... boohoo  gonna have to sell my selver that nobody wants after i die...boo hooo...will ALWAYS have enough for  crack. Fuck your finances, fuck your health, fuck you.

Do u understand what PML is???

 Paid medical leave is so you can listen to the Dr's, get well, and get back to work. Not so you can collect aluminum from work, recycle it and go to the bar! I hope the PI's see you and you lose your claim, and all your money, you pathetic fucking loser. 

I hoped it was him...

 Idiot boy left the house at 3pm to go to bar #1. Left bar #1 to go to bar #2 at 6pm. Heres where i get pissed... At 11pm i was told he left bar #2 and i know it takes less than 5 minutes to get home, even when you've been drinking for 8 hours. 10 minutes later, i hear the sirens. I sincerely hoped it was him. i prayed that there were no fatalities but if he hit a parked car or a lightpole, id be okay with that!! (How very Christian of me, i know.) I checked 911feed.com which showed a car accident at 602 29th st which is legit THREE blocks away. I ran my program, knowing if it showed he was at 602, i would lose my mind. Even though it had just pinged him at 29th and A street, within 5 minutes, this drunk asshole was up the highway and on I5, on his way to Tacoma. Only 1 reason to go to Tacoma, fucking crackhead. I have watched him be sick, cant breathe, coughing and chocking for air, but the pipe always wins. Time to pull back from helping with the PML lie.