My rules

I never wanted to hurt anybody or make anybody mad. I was taught to always be nice, and when i grew up the "do unto others" thing was literally beaten into me. I treat others as if they were honest and fair, and thats how want them to treat me... I started this blog as an outlet because i had no real friends. Being socialphobic sucks. This was also over a year or so ago. Ive met a few friends that understand me, and thats why i love them. But i think ive hurt one of these friends, and all day ive had a feeling i even lost this friend.

My rules are that when i post, this is how i feel at that moment, not in general. I dont edit, i dont censour, i dont go back and read what i've written. Which is why i dont tell friends or family about the blog. Strangers, yes. People from the internet, yes. At one point i really thought my friend had played a trick on me and had read it, but it turns out he was just starting his own and happened to stumble upon blogger.com by accident. For awhile, privacy wise i didnt want to use names, but it got to confusing, so i used names. Which means when my friend stumbled onto this site, he knew what i was thinking that day. Overall, he should know that from the bottom of my heart i have loved him since as long as ive known him. Yes, it started as a crush; yes, he knows this. Yes, he was gentle and let me know he was (is) married and not looking for a relationship. That was okay, because i continued to do things for him, with him, to him, and he gave me what i lacked from others: Appriciation. What i do for him i would do for anybody, and yet he is the only one that truly made me feel like he was grateful. And to get that feeling, i continued to do, which continued his gratitude, and it was a circle.

Eventually i got over my crush, as he became closer to me than family. He had rough times and i was the one he called. At that moment i knew our friendship was cemented. And when he moved to another city...i knew our friendship was tested. And a few nights ago as i gave him the link to this blog... i knew our friendship would be over. He would see the negative side of me, the side i tried to hide. He would know the pain, the tears, the hurt, and one of two things would happen. He wouldn't care, because i'm just another disposable person, or he would be hurt and i'd never hear from him.

With my phone on the blink i was unsure of which, and i texted him today. I then got a voicemail that sounded like the first choice had happened. I tried to find some note of friendly, some sort of happiness in this man's voice, but there was none. And as he said good-bye, i can only hope it was not for the last time. I really do love you.