June 27th
Oh, my head. I just got back from work, so bear with me, as last night is a bit fuzzy. I got off work last night at 8:30, got all dolled up, got co-workers approval, and set off. Mike got home at 9:45 and we left. When we got the the bar, the head bartender met us in the parking lot, laughing. Sheila showed up at 8pm, with her own cake, balloons and streamers, and 3 other people. Kris told them they can sit only at the bar, and she would NOT serve them alcohol. Karaoke starts at 9, so showing up at 8 was pretty stupid. And apperantly she sat there for half an hour without drinking, and nobody wished her a happy birthday. So she left. THAT WAS THE DRAMA??? REALLY??? Awesome. I relaxed, and we went in to find a table. Dressed like some teenager from a prom ( I should figure out how to upload a pic for y'all.) I stood out. So i ran to my car to change, and was more comfortable. Comfortable enough to order a drink. The bartender made me a drink she calls "Frog Pee" and i really like it. You cant even taste the alcohol! When she handed me my 3rd, she warned me they DO have alcohol and can sneak up on me. So i switched. She started bringing me something called a "Jolly Rancher" which tastes exactly like the candy. Again, without thinking of the alcohol content, and watching Mike whip ass in pool, i was really really relaxed. My friend Julie showed up and we all had a round. We went up to get another and Kris gave us our drinks in these cute plastic cups shaped like fruit. We drank em and went up for another. She gave us another fruit shaped cup. This is where it gets fuzzy... Everything from this point on is taken from Mike and Julie. And a 70$ bar tab. (Yeah, i know.) I have only been drunk ONE time in my life, with Matt just around new years. In fact, i damn near had to twist his arm to get me drunk. I am the daughter of 2 alcoholics, and was always afraid to "let loose." I figured i could trust him enough to not let me do
anything stupid. And i was right. Unfortunatly, last night i was not so lucky. I vaugly remember Mike cutting himself off, so he c ould drive home. And Julie says i took my shoes off and was dancing in the corner. And apparently i kept drinking. I do NOT remember anything after we left; i don't even remember leaving. I do remember Mike shaking me, telling me he'll be right back, and i looked at my cellphone to see it was 1:30. When Mike crawled into bed, it woke me enough to remove my shoes and my slacks. I set my alarm on my phone, noticing it was 5:45AM. My brain didn't register this until i was at work. I got to work at 8AM, and was racing around all day. Where was this headache Mike wakes up with everyday? I didn't have one, but i was SOOO tired. About noon i stopped dead in my tracks as it hit me. I BLACKED OUT and HE LEFT ME. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED!!? I had told him i never wanted to get drunk, i never wanted to lose control like that. I trust Matt more than i trust Mike. Obviously Mike needs an alcoholic girlfriend. Then i thought...where did he go? My brain told me the Casino, but the devil in my head said he went to see Sheila. Either way, i took my lunchbreak, bought some bandages and razor blades, and... got the pain out. I just got off work, and Mike's not here, he's at his mom's, dropping off Nathan. He's gonna spend 2 weeks with his mom, then Mike will go get all THREE kids and bring them here. I made plans to visit Matt tonight, so i'm walking out the door. See ya!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
tonights the party!
June 26th
Okay, ive been stressing about going to Mike's ex;s birthday party. He has given me 2 really good reasons as to why i have to be there.
1) He wants to stay friends with her brother because this guy owns his own business and could be a job source in the future. (This sounds like something i would use if i wanted to keep tabs on my ex, truthfully.)
2) She hurt him SO bad, he wants her to see what he has now, and that his heart is no longer broken. I'm 17 years youunger, have my own car, my own job, and i am self-sufficiant. I was pretty mad about this reason, but he finally bropke down and told me what she did, and then i couldn't WAIT to rub our relationship in her face. And her sister and her mom. What did she do? Read on.
Mike met her in a bar (surprise, i know.) He offered to buy her a drink, and she accepted. After a few, they went back to her house, where she was living with some guy. Mike was suspicious, cause his ex before (AKA baby's mama) had cheated on him. Repeatedly. More on that, later, i promise. But they did there thing, and Mike left. He was living with his mom at that point. Now i must backtrack a bit... In 2004 Mike had a fight with Lena, his baby's mama. They were together for 19 years, have 3 children together and for 12 of those 19 years they were addicted to crack and cocaine. As a result, they lost their children to CPS and had to go thru rehab. Lena is 100% Yakima Indian, and therefore not subject to US laws. (Im not sure how that works, but i think its BS) Since Mike is only 25% native, he did have to go. And he went. And Lena stayed home and had a different guy every night of the week. When Mike got out, and CPS had given the children back, she would have the guys come over, WITH mike there, under the guise of buying/selling drugs. She would give Mike the money, and he would go buy. When he came back, she would be gone. Off making the money she had just handed Mike. Mike got sick of this, and told her he was leaving. She got pissed and attacked him with a knife. (AGAIN!) This time he put his hand up to defend himself and she chopped his hand in half. His pinkie on his left hand is useless, the nerves are dead and the finger will not straighten out. But when he called 911, tribal showed up and she pointed at Mike. She didn't have a scratch on her, and his severed hand is literally hanging by a thread. So they arrested HIM. (Yeah, WTF.) They took him to the hospital and fixed him up, then he spent the next 4 months in jail. While in jail, his mom convinced Lena to let the kids visit her in Auburn for the summer. And Lena allowed it. The day they got over here, Mike's mom filed for custody. The judge granted temp custody to her, pending an investigation. Mike, meanwhile, is in Yakima county jail, and one of his fellow inmates is aguy named Sean. Sean is overflow from Auburn, in for repeated DUI. His girlfriend had cheated on him, he got drunk and drove his car into a lamppost, which he then tried to beat the shit out of. Yes, he was arrested trying to beat up a lampost. So they were talking, and Mike was telling Sean about going to live with his mom in auburn. They became friends, as bizarre as a jail friendship can be. Mike got out, came to Auburn, and spent some time with his children. After a few weeks of 3 children and a full grown man sleeping in 1 small bedroom, the girls wanted to go home. It just about killed mike, but he sent them back to their mom in Yakima. He and Nathan stayed with his mom in auburn. Okay, up to speed?
Now fast forward back to Sheila, thee recent ex. She's living with this guy, but "Nothing is happening." Uh huh, sure. They went out everynight, to the Performance Bar and Grill. (Sound familiar?) One day, Sheila brought her mom and sister out with her. Sean, meanwhile, had gotton out of jail and started on his house arrest. His on again/off again girlfriend was living with him, doing drugs and drinking. They fought nightly, and eventually broke up. And to celebrate his freedom, Sean went to the Performance. (What is it with this place??) And he met Mike, there with Sheila, her sister Debbie and their mom. At closing, Sean invited everybody back to his place, and the sisters accepted. Debbie moved in the next day. Mike, still living with his mom, alternated his time between looking for a job, singing at the Performance, and visiting Sheila. 6 months and an 18 THOUSAND dollar inheritance later, and many many suspicious encounters with Sheila and her "roommate" it was Sheila's birthday. (Exactly one year ago, today.) They started off at Charlies in Kent, where they were regulars. So everybody bought Sheila a drink. And, she gave every guy a lapdance. When she got to Mike's friend Chris, she dropped her pants and was all over him. And was asked to leave. They went to the Performance, where her performance continued. A few people bought her drinks, and got the lapdance. At some point, she took her shirt off and Mike tried to get to to calm down. The result? Sheila said her boyfriend was a better f*** then Mike, and she had been with him for 3 years. You may have guessed this was the roommate. She then dumped a drink over his head. The head bartender excorted her to the door, and she was 86'ed. (Code for permenantly kicked out.) Mike apologized and set off walking to get his truck, by Game Farm Park, since Sheila had driven off in the car Mike bought her. By the time he got back to his mom's house, he had enough. He packed her letters and things and dropped them off at her mother's, where he ran into Sean and Debbie. Sean was dropping her and her stuff off, and invited Mike to move in. Mike accepted and he and Nathan, his 14 year old son, moved in that hour. There are many things that Sheila did to Mike, Debbie did to Sean, and their mom tried to do with them BOTH. (ew) So the guys were better off w/o these gals.
Fast forward to today. NOW you can see why i'm excited to go show her what she lost. She thinks she broke his heart, and i'm planning on doing some very UN-MISSY type things... I'll let you all know how it goes.
Okay, ive been stressing about going to Mike's ex;s birthday party. He has given me 2 really good reasons as to why i have to be there.
1) He wants to stay friends with her brother because this guy owns his own business and could be a job source in the future. (This sounds like something i would use if i wanted to keep tabs on my ex, truthfully.)
2) She hurt him SO bad, he wants her to see what he has now, and that his heart is no longer broken. I'm 17 years youunger, have my own car, my own job, and i am self-sufficiant. I was pretty mad about this reason, but he finally bropke down and told me what she did, and then i couldn't WAIT to rub our relationship in her face. And her sister and her mom. What did she do? Read on.
Mike met her in a bar (surprise, i know.) He offered to buy her a drink, and she accepted. After a few, they went back to her house, where she was living with some guy. Mike was suspicious, cause his ex before (AKA baby's mama) had cheated on him. Repeatedly. More on that, later, i promise. But they did there thing, and Mike left. He was living with his mom at that point. Now i must backtrack a bit... In 2004 Mike had a fight with Lena, his baby's mama. They were together for 19 years, have 3 children together and for 12 of those 19 years they were addicted to crack and cocaine. As a result, they lost their children to CPS and had to go thru rehab. Lena is 100% Yakima Indian, and therefore not subject to US laws. (Im not sure how that works, but i think its BS) Since Mike is only 25% native, he did have to go. And he went. And Lena stayed home and had a different guy every night of the week. When Mike got out, and CPS had given the children back, she would have the guys come over, WITH mike there, under the guise of buying/selling drugs. She would give Mike the money, and he would go buy. When he came back, she would be gone. Off making the money she had just handed Mike. Mike got sick of this, and told her he was leaving. She got pissed and attacked him with a knife. (AGAIN!) This time he put his hand up to defend himself and she chopped his hand in half. His pinkie on his left hand is useless, the nerves are dead and the finger will not straighten out. But when he called 911, tribal showed up and she pointed at Mike. She didn't have a scratch on her, and his severed hand is literally hanging by a thread. So they arrested HIM. (Yeah, WTF.) They took him to the hospital and fixed him up, then he spent the next 4 months in jail. While in jail, his mom convinced Lena to let the kids visit her in Auburn for the summer. And Lena allowed it. The day they got over here, Mike's mom filed for custody. The judge granted temp custody to her, pending an investigation. Mike, meanwhile, is in Yakima county jail, and one of his fellow inmates is aguy named Sean. Sean is overflow from Auburn, in for repeated DUI. His girlfriend had cheated on him, he got drunk and drove his car into a lamppost, which he then tried to beat the shit out of. Yes, he was arrested trying to beat up a lampost. So they were talking, and Mike was telling Sean about going to live with his mom in auburn. They became friends, as bizarre as a jail friendship can be. Mike got out, came to Auburn, and spent some time with his children. After a few weeks of 3 children and a full grown man sleeping in 1 small bedroom, the girls wanted to go home. It just about killed mike, but he sent them back to their mom in Yakima. He and Nathan stayed with his mom in auburn. Okay, up to speed?
Now fast forward back to Sheila, thee recent ex. She's living with this guy, but "Nothing is happening." Uh huh, sure. They went out everynight, to the Performance Bar and Grill. (Sound familiar?) One day, Sheila brought her mom and sister out with her. Sean, meanwhile, had gotton out of jail and started on his house arrest. His on again/off again girlfriend was living with him, doing drugs and drinking. They fought nightly, and eventually broke up. And to celebrate his freedom, Sean went to the Performance. (What is it with this place??) And he met Mike, there with Sheila, her sister Debbie and their mom. At closing, Sean invited everybody back to his place, and the sisters accepted. Debbie moved in the next day. Mike, still living with his mom, alternated his time between looking for a job, singing at the Performance, and visiting Sheila. 6 months and an 18 THOUSAND dollar inheritance later, and many many suspicious encounters with Sheila and her "roommate" it was Sheila's birthday. (Exactly one year ago, today.) They started off at Charlies in Kent, where they were regulars. So everybody bought Sheila a drink. And, she gave every guy a lapdance. When she got to Mike's friend Chris, she dropped her pants and was all over him. And was asked to leave. They went to the Performance, where her performance continued. A few people bought her drinks, and got the lapdance. At some point, she took her shirt off and Mike tried to get to to calm down. The result? Sheila said her boyfriend was a better f*** then Mike, and she had been with him for 3 years. You may have guessed this was the roommate. She then dumped a drink over his head. The head bartender excorted her to the door, and she was 86'ed. (Code for permenantly kicked out.) Mike apologized and set off walking to get his truck, by Game Farm Park, since Sheila had driven off in the car Mike bought her. By the time he got back to his mom's house, he had enough. He packed her letters and things and dropped them off at her mother's, where he ran into Sean and Debbie. Sean was dropping her and her stuff off, and invited Mike to move in. Mike accepted and he and Nathan, his 14 year old son, moved in that hour. There are many things that Sheila did to Mike, Debbie did to Sean, and their mom tried to do with them BOTH. (ew) So the guys were better off w/o these gals.
Fast forward to today. NOW you can see why i'm excited to go show her what she lost. She thinks she broke his heart, and i'm planning on doing some very UN-MISSY type things... I'll let you all know how it goes.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Back online!!
My poor computer has been in the shop for a whole week!! Fortunatly, i reverted to the old standby, pen and paper. So ive been keeping notes, and i'll try to weed out the important stuff. Check the dates, cuz they hopefully will be in order. LoL Lets play catch-up!
Friday, June 19, 2009
My day off
Its 3AM. I cant sleep. Again. Today was my day off, and i was supposed to hang out with Matt this morning. I set my alarm to wake up at 7AM cuz i had an 8AM Dr. appt. And i woke up at 1:50. I was pissed. Nate opened the door so the dog jumped on the bed, and that was it; i was up. Matt called about 20 mins later, and i think i pissed him off cuz i was half asleep. He said he had to leave to get his kids and was going camping for the weekend. Dammit, i missed hanging out with him again. I miss him.
Anyway, i went up to my moms to do laundry, and seconds after i put my uniform in the washing machine, my boss called. He needed someone to cover photo for a few hours, so i went in. I got off at 10:15 and since i have to be at work at 8, i had to go get my uniform. I just got lucky Ben let me wear jeans and my hoodie. I grabbed my clothes, visited for a bit and headed home. I got home to find nate and his friend sitting on out bed watching a movie. So i took the
dog for a walk, and Sean came home. Crawled out of a cab, already drunk off his ass (Im SOOO happy unemployment is paying him to be an alcoholic) hugged me and thanked me for taking care of his dog while he stayed with friends. (If i made 450 dollars a week, i'd have mucho friends too!!!) He took the dog in and i sat on the steps.
Mike should be home any minute... 15 minutes later he called to tell me he was at the Performance for ONE song and would be home. I hung up on him. I went upstairs and told Nate and friend that they had to leave after this movie, so i could sleep. They gave me attitude, which Nate never has... Im not liking his friend.
An hour later Mike texts me "Im n lov w the best girl n da world". I should be falling in love but i was PISSED. He lied. ONE song doesn't take an hour. And the way he was texting... he was drunk. AND we had switched cars for the day because i assumed he wouldn't drive MY car drunk, out of respect. I have to wake up at 7:30 and its 1AM at this point. i cant get these boys to quit asking for pot or alcohol, i cant sleep in mike's car (I need a tetinus just to drive the thing) I want MY car. So i go to trade. I'll sleep in my car; its comfortable. I told Nate i was going to get my car and he and his buddy jumped up to go. I told them i may be the bar for awhile ( I was planning to stay at Walgreens and sleep) but they came anyway. We circled the Performance parking lot, looking for my car. Which was NOT there. I found my car parked sideways and backed into the bushes at the Casino. My beautiful car...
Anyway, i got out of the car to go get my keys and Patrick, Nates friend got out and started in with me! Idiot pulled his pants down a bit, and walked with a swagger, trying to look 21. You're 15, deal with it. i told him to go sit in the car and i walked in. And was carded! LoL I walked to the bar, where i knew Mike was, and put his keys on the bar and grabbed my keys. I told him i'll see you at home and walked out. I got all the way to the car and Mike caught up to me. And when he saw Nate and Patrick he flipped. And being mad and drunk... he went off on Nate. And Nate, trying to show off in front of his friend, went off on Mike. I touched Mikes shoulder to get him to calm down and he turned to me and yelled this is between him and his boy, stay out of it! This is true, but i needed him to calm down. So i started the car. He threw his cellphone at me and slammed the door, then went back inside. I followed, like a freakin puppy. I pulled him into a corner between the resturant and the bar, and asked him, BEGGED HIM to come home.
He started yelling that he's gonna send Nate to live with his mom, and he and i will get married. We'll make it together, and if that bitch (Lena; Nate's mom) thinks she can steal his kids, he'll
hire a hitman to kick some ass. Yelling this at the top of his lungs... I start to cry. In public. Thats how bad this is. Mike turns around and storms out and i went in the bathroom to calm down. I Assumed he was taking the boys home so i took my time. About 5 minutes later, i went outside and my CAR ALARM WAS BLARING. Security was around my car, trying to figure out why i had 2 teenagers in my backseat and the alarm was going off. I forgot my keyless door entry
tag was attached to Mike's keyring cuz i had locked my keys in my car a few days ago. I thanked the security guard, did not even look at Mike and we left. I still had Nate and Patrick in my car.
We got home and i crawled in bed; clothes on. Mike told the boys to turn up the radio so they dont hear anything... I caught there eyes and shook my head. Mike came in and laid down, tried to cuddle up and i rolled my back to him. He fell asleep and i started writing. I have to be at work in 3 hours... i'll pull an all nighter.
Anyway, i went up to my moms to do laundry, and seconds after i put my uniform in the washing machine, my boss called. He needed someone to cover photo for a few hours, so i went in. I got off at 10:15 and since i have to be at work at 8, i had to go get my uniform. I just got lucky Ben let me wear jeans and my hoodie. I grabbed my clothes, visited for a bit and headed home. I got home to find nate and his friend sitting on out bed watching a movie. So i took the
dog for a walk, and Sean came home. Crawled out of a cab, already drunk off his ass (Im SOOO happy unemployment is paying him to be an alcoholic) hugged me and thanked me for taking care of his dog while he stayed with friends. (If i made 450 dollars a week, i'd have mucho friends too!!!) He took the dog in and i sat on the steps.
Mike should be home any minute... 15 minutes later he called to tell me he was at the Performance for ONE song and would be home. I hung up on him. I went upstairs and told Nate and friend that they had to leave after this movie, so i could sleep. They gave me attitude, which Nate never has... Im not liking his friend.
An hour later Mike texts me "Im n lov w the best girl n da world". I should be falling in love but i was PISSED. He lied. ONE song doesn't take an hour. And the way he was texting... he was drunk. AND we had switched cars for the day because i assumed he wouldn't drive MY car drunk, out of respect. I have to wake up at 7:30 and its 1AM at this point. i cant get these boys to quit asking for pot or alcohol, i cant sleep in mike's car (I need a tetinus just to drive the thing) I want MY car. So i go to trade. I'll sleep in my car; its comfortable. I told Nate i was going to get my car and he and his buddy jumped up to go. I told them i may be the bar for awhile ( I was planning to stay at Walgreens and sleep) but they came anyway. We circled the Performance parking lot, looking for my car. Which was NOT there. I found my car parked sideways and backed into the bushes at the Casino. My beautiful car...
Anyway, i got out of the car to go get my keys and Patrick, Nates friend got out and started in with me! Idiot pulled his pants down a bit, and walked with a swagger, trying to look 21. You're 15, deal with it. i told him to go sit in the car and i walked in. And was carded! LoL I walked to the bar, where i knew Mike was, and put his keys on the bar and grabbed my keys. I told him i'll see you at home and walked out. I got all the way to the car and Mike caught up to me. And when he saw Nate and Patrick he flipped. And being mad and drunk... he went off on Nate. And Nate, trying to show off in front of his friend, went off on Mike. I touched Mikes shoulder to get him to calm down and he turned to me and yelled this is between him and his boy, stay out of it! This is true, but i needed him to calm down. So i started the car. He threw his cellphone at me and slammed the door, then went back inside. I followed, like a freakin puppy. I pulled him into a corner between the resturant and the bar, and asked him, BEGGED HIM to come home.
He started yelling that he's gonna send Nate to live with his mom, and he and i will get married. We'll make it together, and if that bitch (Lena; Nate's mom) thinks she can steal his kids, he'll
hire a hitman to kick some ass. Yelling this at the top of his lungs... I start to cry. In public. Thats how bad this is. Mike turns around and storms out and i went in the bathroom to calm down. I Assumed he was taking the boys home so i took my time. About 5 minutes later, i went outside and my CAR ALARM WAS BLARING. Security was around my car, trying to figure out why i had 2 teenagers in my backseat and the alarm was going off. I forgot my keyless door entry
tag was attached to Mike's keyring cuz i had locked my keys in my car a few days ago. I thanked the security guard, did not even look at Mike and we left. I still had Nate and Patrick in my car.
We got home and i crawled in bed; clothes on. Mike told the boys to turn up the radio so they dont hear anything... I caught there eyes and shook my head. Mike came in and laid down, tried to cuddle up and i rolled my back to him. He fell asleep and i started writing. I have to be at work in 3 hours... i'll pull an all nighter.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tonight started out simple enough. My computer has been geeking, so i called my friend John to help. He's a computer genius and a half, and if anybody can fis it, he can. He plugged it in, it did its thing, he did his. He turned it off, handed it back and said "Yup, you're fucked." Not exactly the best news from a computer tech. But my computer is still under warranty, so im okay. I hugged John and we left. We being Mike and I, who i asked to come along in case John wanted payment that i wasn't prepared for.
On the way home, John texted me "When are we gonna go sing karaoke?" I posed this question to mike, and he said we'll hit Charlies at 8 and Performance at 9, as usual. Well, John got into a huge amount of trouble and had to sell his car, so i offered to pick him up. We got all dressed up, as we do, and we grabbed John about 8:45. Got to the bar at 9ish. I opened our tab, we got our stuff and sat down. Mike starts going thru his envelope of songs to sing, and i was teasing john to put in a song. The karaoke host came over and asked mike what he was gonna sing, said hi to me and locked eyes with john. She FROZE; like something out of a movie. Now... John has a rep for being a freak in bed, he's try-sexual. Meaning he'll try anything. In fact, i stopped talking to John for awhile because he asked me to take pics at a party and i opted to hang out with Matt.
Anyway, Sonya composed herself, and started karaoke. After a few rounds, john put in a song.
"Creep" by Radiohead. A line in this song goes "I'm special... so very special" And Sonya whispered in the microphone "Ed!" (Special Ed...get it?) the whole place started laughing and john loosened up. A few mins later John went to the bathroom and Sonya came up and asked
where he's been! Then she took John OFF my tab and started him on hers! and told us not to tell him. But his next coke, the waitress told him. Then John went up and started HER on a new tab. And they were inseperable for the night. They danced quite a few times, even sang love songs to each other. i was very impressed.
It would have been a perfect night had matt showd up, but that would have been too much for me to believe. But i wanted him to know i missed him dearly, so i texted twitter, attached to facebook. Mike and i sang and danced, all was okay. About 11:30 my friend Julie showed up. We work together, so it was a trip to see each other out of uniform. We all sat together, and were laughing, drinking and talking. I had my 2 drinks; the bartender made me a drink "Frog Pee" A drink she invented. It was good, but after 2, i was done for the night. I was drinking water like... a fish! Ha!
Okay... about midnight the bar filled up. The "regulars" had been at a birthday party, and had just gotten back. Kimberly came over to me to ask if i was coming to the party next friday. (Sheila is Mike's ex-girlfriend and her party is Friday the 26th) I said i dont want to, but Mike is going to make me. Kimberly jumped in waited 10 mins, then left. I was on the verge of panic, i knew i was in deep shit for saying anything. I drove home, slowly, looking. Not at home. I double
back and drove a different way; no mike. Following the third way home it dawned on me. The Casino. Sure enough, he was in the back, top of his lungs cussing about women trying to control him. "My ex-bitch wanted my money, took my kids and my car and left a hole in my heart
only for Melissa" (This would have sounded sweet under NORMAL circumstances.) I walked in and slid my hands around his waist and waiting for his breathing to calm down.
He asked me if he could play with his last 20$. His money is none of my business, but i reminded him he wanted to send Michelle money. He started to cry and say those lovely things that alcohol brings out in him, and we left. We got home, and he kept saying he loves me but i
couldn't say it back. He told me i was just like his ex (Ouch.) and got out and slammed the door. I looked up at the roof of my car and asked God to give me ONE reason not to drive to the river. And jump in. About 3 seconds later, my phone vibrated... It was Matt. My reason.
On the way home, John texted me "When are we gonna go sing karaoke?" I posed this question to mike, and he said we'll hit Charlies at 8 and Performance at 9, as usual. Well, John got into a huge amount of trouble and had to sell his car, so i offered to pick him up. We got all dressed up, as we do, and we grabbed John about 8:45. Got to the bar at 9ish. I opened our tab, we got our stuff and sat down. Mike starts going thru his envelope of songs to sing, and i was teasing john to put in a song. The karaoke host came over and asked mike what he was gonna sing, said hi to me and locked eyes with john. She FROZE; like something out of a movie. Now... John has a rep for being a freak in bed, he's try-sexual. Meaning he'll try anything. In fact, i stopped talking to John for awhile because he asked me to take pics at a party and i opted to hang out with Matt.
Anyway, Sonya composed herself, and started karaoke. After a few rounds, john put in a song.
"Creep" by Radiohead. A line in this song goes "I'm special... so very special" And Sonya whispered in the microphone "Ed!" (Special Ed...get it?) the whole place started laughing and john loosened up. A few mins later John went to the bathroom and Sonya came up and asked
where he's been! Then she took John OFF my tab and started him on hers! and told us not to tell him. But his next coke, the waitress told him. Then John went up and started HER on a new tab. And they were inseperable for the night. They danced quite a few times, even sang love songs to each other. i was very impressed.
It would have been a perfect night had matt showd up, but that would have been too much for me to believe. But i wanted him to know i missed him dearly, so i texted twitter, attached to facebook. Mike and i sang and danced, all was okay. About 11:30 my friend Julie showed up. We work together, so it was a trip to see each other out of uniform. We all sat together, and were laughing, drinking and talking. I had my 2 drinks; the bartender made me a drink "Frog Pee" A drink she invented. It was good, but after 2, i was done for the night. I was drinking water like... a fish! Ha!
Okay... about midnight the bar filled up. The "regulars" had been at a birthday party, and had just gotten back. Kimberly came over to me to ask if i was coming to the party next friday. (Sheila is Mike's ex-girlfriend and her party is Friday the 26th) I said i dont want to, but Mike is going to make me. Kimberly jumped in waited 10 mins, then left. I was on the verge of panic, i knew i was in deep shit for saying anything. I drove home, slowly, looking. Not at home. I double
back and drove a different way; no mike. Following the third way home it dawned on me. The Casino. Sure enough, he was in the back, top of his lungs cussing about women trying to control him. "My ex-bitch wanted my money, took my kids and my car and left a hole in my heart
only for Melissa" (This would have sounded sweet under NORMAL circumstances.) I walked in and slid my hands around his waist and waiting for his breathing to calm down.
He asked me if he could play with his last 20$. His money is none of my business, but i reminded him he wanted to send Michelle money. He started to cry and say those lovely things that alcohol brings out in him, and we left. We got home, and he kept saying he loves me but i
couldn't say it back. He told me i was just like his ex (Ouch.) and got out and slammed the door. I looked up at the roof of my car and asked God to give me ONE reason not to drive to the river. And jump in. About 3 seconds later, my phone vibrated... It was Matt. My reason.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
My rules
I never wanted to hurt anybody or make anybody mad. I was taught to always be nice, and when i grew up the "do unto others" thing was literally beaten into me. I treat others as if they were honest and fair, and thats how want them to treat me... I started this blog as an outlet because i had no real friends. Being socialphobic sucks. This was also over a year or so ago. Ive met a few friends that understand me, and thats why i love them. But i think ive hurt one of these friends, and all day ive had a feeling i even lost this friend.
My rules are that when i post, this is how i feel at that moment, not in general. I dont edit, i dont censour, i dont go back and read what i've written. Which is why i dont tell friends or family about the blog. Strangers, yes. People from the internet, yes. At one point i really thought my friend had played a trick on me and had read it, but it turns out he was just starting his own and happened to stumble upon blogger.com by accident. For awhile, privacy wise i didnt want to use names, but it got to confusing, so i used names. Which means when my friend stumbled onto this site, he knew what i was thinking that day. Overall, he should know that from the bottom of my heart i have loved him since as long as ive known him. Yes, it started as a crush; yes, he knows this. Yes, he was gentle and let me know he was (is) married and not looking for a relationship. That was okay, because i continued to do things for him, with him, to him, and he gave me what i lacked from others: Appriciation. What i do for him i would do for anybody, and yet he is the only one that truly made me feel like he was grateful. And to get that feeling, i continued to do, which continued his gratitude, and it was a circle.
Eventually i got over my crush, as he became closer to me than family. He had rough times and i was the one he called. At that moment i knew our friendship was cemented. And when he moved to another city...i knew our friendship was tested. And a few nights ago as i gave him the link to this blog... i knew our friendship would be over. He would see the negative side of me, the side i tried to hide. He would know the pain, the tears, the hurt, and one of two things would happen. He wouldn't care, because i'm just another disposable person, or he would be hurt and i'd never hear from him.
With my phone on the blink i was unsure of which, and i texted him today. I then got a voicemail that sounded like the first choice had happened. I tried to find some note of friendly, some sort of happiness in this man's voice, but there was none. And as he said good-bye, i can only hope it was not for the last time. I really do love you.
My rules are that when i post, this is how i feel at that moment, not in general. I dont edit, i dont censour, i dont go back and read what i've written. Which is why i dont tell friends or family about the blog. Strangers, yes. People from the internet, yes. At one point i really thought my friend had played a trick on me and had read it, but it turns out he was just starting his own and happened to stumble upon blogger.com by accident. For awhile, privacy wise i didnt want to use names, but it got to confusing, so i used names. Which means when my friend stumbled onto this site, he knew what i was thinking that day. Overall, he should know that from the bottom of my heart i have loved him since as long as ive known him. Yes, it started as a crush; yes, he knows this. Yes, he was gentle and let me know he was (is) married and not looking for a relationship. That was okay, because i continued to do things for him, with him, to him, and he gave me what i lacked from others: Appriciation. What i do for him i would do for anybody, and yet he is the only one that truly made me feel like he was grateful. And to get that feeling, i continued to do, which continued his gratitude, and it was a circle.
Eventually i got over my crush, as he became closer to me than family. He had rough times and i was the one he called. At that moment i knew our friendship was cemented. And when he moved to another city...i knew our friendship was tested. And a few nights ago as i gave him the link to this blog... i knew our friendship would be over. He would see the negative side of me, the side i tried to hide. He would know the pain, the tears, the hurt, and one of two things would happen. He wouldn't care, because i'm just another disposable person, or he would be hurt and i'd never hear from him.
With my phone on the blink i was unsure of which, and i texted him today. I then got a voicemail that sounded like the first choice had happened. I tried to find some note of friendly, some sort of happiness in this man's voice, but there was none. And as he said good-bye, i can only hope it was not for the last time. I really do love you.
It happened.
But it really WAS an accident!! Bad day at work (Clsong w/ Michelle, big surprise) Mike shows up at 8pm dressed for the bar. He told me to come get home when i got off. At 11. Store closes, fly thru cleaning. 11pm. i throw a t-shirt on over my uniform and get into the bar. I order a drink and Kris gives it to me. She runs a tab, with Mike having permission. Except this night she tells me that Mike has been CUT OFF. Whoa. i take my drink (White russian; thank you John)and walk over to a table cuz my cellphone is ringing. I have a voicemail... "Hurry honey; im surrounded mu mexicans and they're giving me an accent. i speaka spanish now... S-O-C-K (eso si que?) you to will speaka spanish when i flash your titties across the bar" Click. Well, fuck the t-shirt, on goes the hoodie. Put my cellphone away, grab my drink and take one step to where Mike is standing. He came to meet me. And, as promised, he tried to flash me to the bar. Grabbing my breasts and yelling "i told you to wear sexy!" Which made a few people turn around, laughing,then mike turned around to grab again and knocked the drink from my hands. Bringing the owner, the bartender and the lead waitress over to investigate.When they saw mikey and i they just grabbed little brooms, while mike started to cry and explain it was ll his fault because his father was an alcoholic and he didn't know better. I paid 8 dollars to close my tab, and came home.
Was on the balcony relaxing when Mike came home. Swearing and cussing "Where is she? That bitch not here? She wanna leave? Fine, fuckin let her leave!" Then he punched the wall. Which scared me and i gasped. Which made him look up, see my shadow and kcik the bike out off the way. Then he grabbed Nathan's PSP and threw it at me, or the wall over my head, which is what it hit. I backed out on to the balcony scared shitless. He knows my past. He PROMISED he would never hurt me. He cried for 45 minutes, as it dawned on me... I HAVE come full circle.
With Aziz, i tried to anticpiate his moods, so i could hide a blanket in the kitchen. With Emad, i tried to sense what kind of day he had so i knew what kind of night i would have. I never let myself lose control. Never let me guard down for ANYTHING.
Last christmastime i put enough trust in one friend to go pasy my limits and get drunk. I felt safe that this friend wouldnt let me do something stupid enough, like drive. I made somebody else responsibile for me. And this last month, as mike spirals further and further down... i realized tonight i canot trust him enough to let my guard down. To relax and say "He wont let anything happen" Tomorrow comes a BIG BIG talk. And it wont be pretty. =(
Was on the balcony relaxing when Mike came home. Swearing and cussing "Where is she? That bitch not here? She wanna leave? Fine, fuckin let her leave!" Then he punched the wall. Which scared me and i gasped. Which made him look up, see my shadow and kcik the bike out off the way. Then he grabbed Nathan's PSP and threw it at me, or the wall over my head, which is what it hit. I backed out on to the balcony scared shitless. He knows my past. He PROMISED he would never hurt me. He cried for 45 minutes, as it dawned on me... I HAVE come full circle.
With Aziz, i tried to anticpiate his moods, so i could hide a blanket in the kitchen. With Emad, i tried to sense what kind of day he had so i knew what kind of night i would have. I never let myself lose control. Never let me guard down for ANYTHING.
Last christmastime i put enough trust in one friend to go pasy my limits and get drunk. I felt safe that this friend wouldnt let me do something stupid enough, like drive. I made somebody else responsibile for me. And this last month, as mike spirals further and further down... i realized tonight i canot trust him enough to let my guard down. To relax and say "He wont let anything happen" Tomorrow comes a BIG BIG talk. And it wont be pretty. =(
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My job
I love my job. I even like my co-workers. My boss on the otherhand... No wait, not all of them, just one. We had the coolest asst manager, but Walgreens polocy is to switch managers every 6 months so the employees dont get attached. Because friends with managers means access to secrets, and can lead to conspiracy. (Seriously!) In our employee handbook, we are FORBIDDEN to drive an employee home... it's considered theft. K, so we have a(NOTHER) new asst manager... Her middle name is bottom line. Maybe not, but that'd be pretty freakin cool. Anyway... tonight my friend needed a ride home from the airport so i told her i need to leave by 10:30. She said i can go when everything is done. So i went above her head... told my EXA (I have no idea what that stands for, its just another manager) and he tells me my hours are over and i need to leave at 10. Even better! (Go Ben!) Few minutes later, Michelle comes and tells me that i have to have everything done by 10 so i can leave. Yeah? Good luck with that. All my photos are done... 9pm rolls around, time to close photo. Usually, i pull the garbage, stock the cooler and make the announcements. Today? I walked around, talked to Julie, took my time with the garbage... Shame on me, i know. But why? Cuz Michelle had to make the store look spic and span OFF THE CLOCK. Hello Karma.
Matt says i'm passive/aggressive... not a bad thing, considering i could be a total bitch to everybody. I like keeping it inside and letting whatever happens... happen.
Matt says i'm passive/aggressive... not a bad thing, considering i could be a total bitch to everybody. I like keeping it inside and letting whatever happens... happen.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
family
K- went to Mikes daughters high school graduation... So much fun! We got to Yakima around noon and stopped by Lena's house so nathan can say hi to his mom. Lena is Mike's ex-girlfriend, the one that sliced his hand open, so i was WORRIED. But she has a new man, so she was happy. WTF is with native women?? Are they ALL Nuckin Futs? (My brother is dating a Tulalip bitch that is PSYCHO!!!) Okay, nate visited for a bit, then they dropped me off at my aunts so mike could spend time with his daughters. I visited with my aunt and uncle for a few hours, turns out they know Mikes family. His family is HUGE and Hoptowit is a very popular last name. In fact, Mikes cousin is general manager of the casino that my cousin is the head of security at. Cool, huh?
5PM snuck up on us pretty quick and mike came back to get me. With Michelle (18) and Brandy (12) Both daughters are beautiful. Long black hair, dark eyes, never stop smiling. Just Awesome. Nate was in his prime, playing big brother and little brother. Went to the graduation, where Mike sat next to me and his mom sat behind me. Every 15 minutes she would touch my shoulder and make sure i was okay. And mike kept his hand in mine att all times except when we were filming. LoL I didnt have even one panic attack!!! I was SOOOO happy. Afterward, we hugged and took pictures, Michelle said she will come visit us this summer.
Brandy cant cause last summer she was arrested (!) for shoplifting and Lena says mike should have watched her better. But I told her we would work on it. Poor brandy thought i meant i would try to get her home with us immediatly, so she went into pack. Mike told her when we come back in July, maybe then, but she and nathan MUST finish school first. She jumped back out of the car and ran inside. Nate hugged his mom and we started off. We hadn't made it off tribal land when Mike pulled over. I asked what was wrong, and he told me i had to drive. When we were switching places, Mike opened the back door, and pulled Nate out. Poor nate was just bawling, which started Mike, which started me. So the next 15 minutes, we're on the side of the road, just crying. And, like a bitch, Lena and her boyfriend drove by... without Brandy. So we doubled back and the poor girl was making microwave mac-&-cheese. she said her mom borrowed the 20$ Mike had given her... and left. Mike hit the roof. We grabbed Brandy's bag and took her with us. I thought we were bringing her home, but mike said we can't take her off tribal land; its kidnapping. So we dropped her off at Mikes aunts-- she hates Lena and loves the kids so she promised mike she wouldn't tell. Stage 1 of child custody is beginning a little sooner than we expected, but its time. That girl is hurting so so bad.
5PM snuck up on us pretty quick and mike came back to get me. With Michelle (18) and Brandy (12) Both daughters are beautiful. Long black hair, dark eyes, never stop smiling. Just Awesome. Nate was in his prime, playing big brother and little brother. Went to the graduation, where Mike sat next to me and his mom sat behind me. Every 15 minutes she would touch my shoulder and make sure i was okay. And mike kept his hand in mine att all times except when we were filming. LoL I didnt have even one panic attack!!! I was SOOOO happy. Afterward, we hugged and took pictures, Michelle said she will come visit us this summer.
Brandy cant cause last summer she was arrested (!) for shoplifting and Lena says mike should have watched her better. But I told her we would work on it. Poor brandy thought i meant i would try to get her home with us immediatly, so she went into pack. Mike told her when we come back in July, maybe then, but she and nathan MUST finish school first. She jumped back out of the car and ran inside. Nate hugged his mom and we started off. We hadn't made it off tribal land when Mike pulled over. I asked what was wrong, and he told me i had to drive. When we were switching places, Mike opened the back door, and pulled Nate out. Poor nate was just bawling, which started Mike, which started me. So the next 15 minutes, we're on the side of the road, just crying. And, like a bitch, Lena and her boyfriend drove by... without Brandy. So we doubled back and the poor girl was making microwave mac-&-cheese. she said her mom borrowed the 20$ Mike had given her... and left. Mike hit the roof. We grabbed Brandy's bag and took her with us. I thought we were bringing her home, but mike said we can't take her off tribal land; its kidnapping. So we dropped her off at Mikes aunts-- she hates Lena and loves the kids so she promised mike she wouldn't tell. Stage 1 of child custody is beginning a little sooner than we expected, but its time. That girl is hurting so so bad.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Bar talk
i know, in a bar you say things that yo dont talk about otherwise. Like your sex life, good, bad, or lack thereof. Well, mike is a regular at the Performance in auburn, and last night i walked in on him talking about us. Or rather, what he likes to do. Now, again, in a bar you dont see these people on the outside so it rarely matters. But tonight, as he was done singing "Back door man" by The Doors, and telling everyone his girl likes it that way (NOT TRUE!!!!) i walked in on him talking to MY BOSS. Well, my asst manager anyway. But still!! She's one of like 6 managers at my work, and ive seen her at the bar a few times. Never said hi, because its akward. And now i'll hide at work, cuz she now knows what my boy does in the privacy of our bedroom. *Sigh*
friendship
What is a friend, to you? Is a friend someone that says "I would cut off my left arm to give you, if you needed it"? Or " I have NO MONEY but will throw myself in overdraft because you need some"? OR "It's not mine, but you can borrow it IF you give it back." Is this a friend? Is a friend someone that will/has/will do anything for you? Cause i thought i was a pretty good friend. But i just learned that if i have nothing tangible to give... I'm not your friend at all. Thanks.
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