Am i the @sshole?

So i did a thing. I came across an old phone and it had some texts on it. A few between mike and his friend/boss veronica got me a bit concerned. Ive never had a job where my boss called me pet names or where i called my boss baby girl. So i paid 10 dollars for T-Mobile to send me the text transcripts and i couldn't believe what i read. At one point, mike, sitting on a barstool by the time stamp, actually says" What am i to you?" He makes mentions of going to work only to see her. I was hurting so much i wanted to cut just to control this pain, but instead, i texted veronica.  "Please stop calling my boyfriend Love and Angel. It's causing issues." A few hours later she responded she was sorry, nothing personal but she understands. I figured this would put an end to it. 

Today Mike came home from 5 hours at the bar and solid screamed at me for doing this. She's worried im going to go to corporate. (Why would she be worried if nothings going on??) He just kept screaming that she was safe because i couldnt walk. Like i was gonna show up at his job and beat her up??! Over and over he kept screaming at me, like he used to do and now i just dont know what to do.  I figured woman to woman i let her know she overstepped her work boundaries and she said sorry- end of story.  Am i the asshole? Or is she a tattle tale and Mike just a drunk? 

supportive?? Not!

 I woke up this morning in so much pain i was crying. Every move felt like lightning shooting from my lower back down both legs, every nerve was on fire. Mike walked by my door and i stopped him; told him if i cant get ahold of my mom i need him to take me to the ER when he got home from work. He said "Why wait? I was going to call in." His anxiety was giving him issues. I told him i dont want him to call in just for me, but if hes gonna stay home he can take me, please. He popped a few of his anxiety meds and laid down for a few minutes, while i slowly stretched and dealt with pain beyond pain. After about half hour i was feeling less tight, and able to sit up, and mike...left. No good-bye, no how ya feeling, no nothing. I took 2 naproxen and kept stretching, for a good solid hour. 

About 11AM Mike called to tell me he wasnt feeling well and was probably going to come home early. That phone call lasted less than 2 minues because a video call is like a mirror to him and he makes faces at himself until i hang up. If he was coming home early, i wanted to be dressed so he could take me to the ER. Whatever that pain was this morning, i never wanted it again!!  

Noon...1Pm...2pm...3pm... by 3pm if hes not home hes either working late or at the bar so i called and yep. At the Rainbow. Youre in so much pain you wanna call in, but you go, then your so weak and in pain you wanna leave early, but you dont. In fact, you go to the bar. No, you go to TWO bars and dont get home until after 7PM. And when you notice im not home...? What did ya do?? You sat there and drank more. I had my phone on DND so you could call or text but im in church so it wont disturb me. And your first text was 45 minutes later to tell me you dont feel good. Too bad. In fact, heres a screenshot of  your loving words, you pathetic drunk bastard. 

Boots

My mom texted me to tell me that Sean took boots to the vet because she was acting lethargic. My mom was 110% certain that Lizzy had poisoned boots and told me she never liked Lizzie, didn't trust her because she came out to see my dad everyday. I chalked this up to jealousy and forgot about it. 

The vet couldn't do anything for Shawn because he doesn't have any money so they sent him home. When Boots got home my mom was trying to feed her water and her eyes rolled back in her head like a seizure so Shawn took her back to the vet and they told him it would be $200 for a scan but she most likely needed a very expensive surgery. 

My mom called me just to give me an update and my first thought was that I have a few credit cards I haven't used and I can help if it's not too expensive but I want Shawn to sign the title of his truck to me until it's paid back. Last year I gave him $1,000 to get home from Wisconsin. In fact, it was my dumbass that sent him the $40 to buy the alcohol that got them arrested! And I haven't seen a penny of any of that money as of today. But I digress because this is boots and she doesn't deserve to be in pain.

I told my mom I could help depending on how much it was and she said she would talk to Shawn but there's no way in hell he was going to sign over his truck. The vet came out and told Sean that the initial exam was $200 and somehow Sean had $200 in his pocket! But that's not my business. But after the initial exam the vet came and told Sean that she would need a complete hysterectomy Plus she had a horrible infection that started in her uterus about a month ago, (so Lizzy didn't do it), and has now spread into her bloodstream and the most Humane thing to do would be just to let boots go. If they tried to do surgery it would be approximately $5,000. 

When Shawn called me to tell me that I was absolutely shocked because I don't have that much money and I wasn't ready to say goodbye to boots! But what can we do? I looked on the website and they have a couple options- payment plans and things like that but my brother has really really horrible credit and no job no substance in life except his truck and Boots.

 On the website though I did notice that they take Care Credit which is the company that helped me pay for my teeth. I paid that card off but it's still open. I had a serious internal battle because I seriously doubt that I will see a penny of the $5,000 but again I can't let boots die if there's something I can do. And if boots dies Shawn's headed out to Wisconsin where Alexis will kill him which will kill my mom and I wish I was exaggerating but that's a horrible chain and it will come true. 

So I called my mom and told her about CareCredit and asked her opinion and she said she would talk to my dad and my dad talked to Shawn and they discussed any other way so that Missy didn't have to fix it. I don't mind helping my family, I love the fact that I'm able to. But I need to know that Shawn's going to make these payments because this is now my credit rating, my credit score and I'm still waiting for King County housing. 

My dad wasn't really much help but I think he was just tired from work and didn't want to deal with this drama so my mom said go for it and that they would back it and I called the vet and gave them my credit card number. Boots went into surgery and they said the infection had spread further than they even thought but they washed out the infection spray her full of antibiotics and when Shawn went to pick her up the next day she was wagging her tail and smiling even though she was all doped up. 

Here's where it gets kind of fucked up. She came home on Thursday (the 9th) and Mike came home high as a fucking kite. He found a new dealer at the rainbow and I don't know how much he bought but he came in here talking a mile a minute clean the living room clean the kitchen clean the bathroom cleaned his bedroom just zipping around here like oh I don't know a crackhead? I was trying to explain to him what was going on with boots and he was telling me about all the Mexicans at work and Veronica's brother and Veronica's mom and Veronica's having a hard time and poor Veronica and Veronica Veronica Veronica. I get it dude I get that you've got a crush on your boss but unless you straighten up your shit she ain't never going to come to you.

So I needless to say he was no help on that Thursday and no help on Friday Saturday Sunday or Monday. 

But back to the 9th where I get a phone call a little after midnight so I guess it's actually the 10th? From my mom and Shawn who are so drunk they're just laughing. I swear I think they forgot they called me but they called me, im not a vet, to find out if they could double boots medication because my mom doesn't want Shawn to have to wake up every 6 hours. What the fuck? The first time in his life this man boy or as you call him Baby Huey is actually showing responsibility and you are trying to find a way out of it? And you're trying to do it while you're drunk? And why are you drinking when you know Daddy hates that you're drinking and he'll be home within the hour?? Don't you have any self-control? If something happens to you and you fall down stairs Shawn can't drive you! Boots can't even bark to let you know that somebody's come up the stairs-- you need to be alert! So I'm living with a crackhead who doesn't give two shits about me, has absolutely no idea what's going on with my life, doesn't care when I try to tell him, and my support system outside the house is either drunk or high.

It's been a full week now boots is so much better they got all of the infection she's hailing well Shawn knows how to give her her pills and she knows that when Shawn brings them she's going to take them. She's a good pup and she'll be with us for a long time. Yesterday I called my mom because I was having a very bad day and we talked for literally 2 minutes before Shawn came up and said or rather screamed I want marijuana! So she had to go. This is why I Stand Alone on purpose and on accident. I love boots and I wouldn't change it for anything but now I get to stress until that $5,000 bill is paid down. FML

"i have the best girlfriend"

 Thas what he tells others, when hes so drunk he cant even pee on his own. But heres what happened...

He went to work then to the bar, as usual. Came home about 5:30  in a good mood so no problems. A 7, he left. No good-bye, no blowing fake kisses, nada. I know what i know so i know he was at the Rainbow cafe, the newest place to buy crack. About 8 i ran my program, and he was on I5, almost to the main crackbar in Tacoma called Golden West Saloon. Heres where the night got bad. He called me 2 minutes later. Now, i know his tabs are expired and ive been praying for him to get pulled over with alcohol on his breath, cause that class and the breathalyzer will fun him about 2k and money is the only way to get thru to him. Well, it wasnt WA state patrol. It was his transmission. It's been slipping for weeks and he mentioned it to the mechanic across the street, which is the end of it. So hes stuck on the side of I5 with a blown clutch and no idea what to do. Can i start calling tow trucks? Um, no. I dont know where you are (yes i do but this is HIS responsibility) and the driver is going to want your number and info from you. I will however help you find a tow company. number 1 didnt answer...number 2 is busy will be a few hours...number 3 only has 2 trucks be patient... 

Im kind of getting scared because i can hear the cars and hes so drunk hes talking about getting out of his truck to pee. i can hear the cars flying past and pictures of Georges car accident are flashing thru my head. I dont want to call his mom over this; dear God just get him home this 1 more time. He's talking, mostly about how he knew his clutch was going out (Then WHY GO TO TACOMA???) and how much he has to pee, im not talking cause it doesnt matter hes not listening. Then he gets a phone call- from a tow driver just up the street!! The driver will be there in less than 10 minutes, please have drivers licesnse, registration and credit card ready. 

The guy shows up and Mike put the phone in his pocket so i can listen while he fills out paperwork. The guy asks for current registration, which mike doesnt have because his tabs are renewed, But he swears they gave him tabs when he bought the truck! Yes...18 months ago. He explaining to the tow driver that he doesnt have tabs but he has 4 credit cards and lots of 100 dollar bills at home,  so thats okay.  (WTF Moron??) He hands the phone to the tow-man so i can explain things sober and immediatly i know this guys Muslim. Its like a radar i have. I explain that Mike doesn't have tabs but i have the bill of sale and i have the letter telling him to buy tabs, and he says if its from WA state send it and he'll call dispatch. I do, he does, Mike sneaks a pee, all is good.

Mike puts the phone back in the pocket and cant shut up. Over and over telling this guy how awesome i am, how much he loves me, i changed his life... words any girls would love to hear...SOBER.  Finally i hang up and wait for him to get home. He gives Assad a 200 dollar tip, which was awesome but i'll hear about that like he saved a dying man from the desert, but hes home. He hugs me and kisses me and i can taste the alcohol so thats the end of that.  

He goes in the kitchen to cook, i go in my room, and... he came in my room and grabbed my bottle. i had 3 shots out of that, and even though hes still drunk, he still drinks, Tries to kiss me and i turn my head, fake a cough... i hate alcohol so much. 

Never again

 So ive been writing about Mikes gut, his lungs, liver, stomach ulcers and how i have been worried about him. Well, Screw that. Ive been telling him that i am sorry hes sick but also i have enjoyed our time together. He did his grunt sound that he always does and put his feet in my lap for a foot rub. Cant win em all, right? Yeah... So yesterday, Monday, he didnt come home from the bar until 11pm. If your keeping track, like i have to, that is over 8 hours. But when he did come home, he had crack. 6 months off seems to be his record, and i know it's NOT my fault, but this hit me hard. I have been his nurse, shadow, bff, yada-yada-yada for 6 weeks now, and as i start my withdrawals from lithium (I'll catch you up on that in a few days) just as I NEED HIM, he goes back on the pipe. Oh the smell...like burning metal, its so nasty and i hate that i know it. I hate that i not only fell for him but let him know i was enjoying his company. i hate that i was so so happy without alcohol in the house and now i know everything will go back to what it was but im smarter now. I dont have the lithium to blind me, to make me think all will be okay, i know better than to think this man will ever be more than just a mistake in my rear view window of life, because i deserve so much better than an alcoholic crackhead that worships money. I give damn good foot rubs, many people have said so- i can make people happy without illegal chemicals stinking up my personal space! But most of all, between the detoxing from lithium and him back on the pipe...i have nobody.   

No- i have my mom, who thinks she's sneaking something past me when she sneaks vodka while i visit her. ANd then wonders why i dont visit for months at a time. I have Mikes mom, Sharon- shes a great listener but i dont want to call and seem like im tattling. She's HIS mom, even though she's been thru this with 2 husbands and she knows what im talking about, it's always gonna feel like tattling, and i cant do that. I have my church family, but it's difficult to keep coming to them with negative. If Pastor knew the thoughts running thru my head, he'd either baptize me again or exorcise me, not sure which. Thats scary and its only going to get worse. What i mean by i have nobody? Last night im laying here smelling the stink of crack, so i lit my incense, and i realize i want a hug. I want human contact. I want someone that will let me put my head on their shoulders and feel calm and then i can cry and then the nasty thoughts might leave.  I'm sad over Mike??? WTF child? Everytime i try to put my head on his shoulder, he pushes it down like im gonna perform oral sex on him. Why?? Try foreplay- try a hug - try TALKING to me. but in my deepest moments of patheticness i go back like some weird dog that knows if i keep doing his bidding, he'll throw me a smile or a kind word. And now i dont want it. Fucking crackhead. 

Comcast Asshole

 I have packages being delivered from Amazon all the time so when I heard the beep beep beep of a truck backing up and then I knock on the door I didn't think twice. I should have! It was Comcast and the installer was at the wrong address. I showed him across the street where he needed to be and he said thank you and then told me I was pretty and stroked my cheek and then grabbed my breast. Does this ever really work? Like I'm just going to have sex with you right then and there? I slammed the door and came back to my room holding my breath until I heard the truck leave what do I do now??

Well, don't tell your boyfriend it says Val. I know Mike won't care, I'm not money or alcohol so why should he? But I'm having my childhood flashbacks- tell me used to rub my breast into this day it instantly kills my sex drive. I told Mike. I waited for him to sober up but you kept drinking and I was having panic attacks I couldn't regulate my heartbeat. You know what his response was when I told him I was having flashbacks? He held up his hurt hand, and asked why I was having flashbacks about his hand and then walked away.

Wasted time

 You were coughing and I brought you my water. As I was braiding your hair I gave you the last bottle of my favorite juice. I rubbed your back and I gave you ice, all without asking anything in return. Now, a normal boyfriend would hug or kiss or pat on the shoulder even? Fuck, even the Cable Guy touched my cake and told me I was pretty. These are nice words to hear when they are slurred. About 8:30 you were getting ready for bed so I went out into the hall because I knew you would make some reference about wanting your feet rubbed. As close as I feel to you today all I wanted was a little sign of affection. Hug me, kiss me, Pat me on the head like a fucking dog even? Anything! And yet as you walked past me you grabbed my breast. You know I hate being touched there but you do it anyway. And because Tyler touched me that way on Thursday I'm still having flashbacks and I said no! I said I don't want to have flashbacks! Please don't touch me there. And you told me to shut up. I cannot believe I've wasted my life knowing you!