So ive been writing about Mikes gut, his lungs, liver, stomach ulcers and how i have been worried about him. Well, Screw that. Ive been telling him that i am sorry hes sick but also i have enjoyed our time together. He did his grunt sound that he always does and put his feet in my lap for a foot rub. Cant win em all, right? Yeah... So yesterday, Monday, he didnt come home from the bar until 11pm. If your keeping track, like i have to, that is over 8 hours. But when he did come home, he had crack. 6 months off seems to be his record, and i know it's NOT my fault, but this hit me hard. I have been his nurse, shadow, bff, yada-yada-yada for 6 weeks now, and as i start my withdrawals from lithium (I'll catch you up on that in a few days) just as I NEED HIM, he goes back on the pipe. Oh the smell...like burning metal, its so nasty and i hate that i know it. I hate that i not only fell for him but let him know i was enjoying his company. i hate that i was so so happy without alcohol in the house and now i know everything will go back to what it was but im smarter now. I dont have the lithium to blind me, to make me think all will be okay, i know better than to think this man will ever be more than just a mistake in my rear view window of life, because i deserve so much better than an alcoholic crackhead that worships money. I give damn good foot rubs, many people have said so- i can make people happy without illegal chemicals stinking up my personal space! But most of all, between the detoxing from lithium and him back on the pipe...i have nobody.
No- i have my mom, who thinks she's sneaking something past me when she sneaks vodka while i visit her. ANd then wonders why i dont visit for months at a time. I have Mikes mom, Sharon- shes a great listener but i dont want to call and seem like im tattling. She's HIS mom, even though she's been thru this with 2 husbands and she knows what im talking about, it's always gonna feel like tattling, and i cant do that. I have my church family, but it's difficult to keep coming to them with negative. If Pastor knew the thoughts running thru my head, he'd either baptize me again or exorcise me, not sure which. Thats scary and its only going to get worse. What i mean by i have nobody? Last night im laying here smelling the stink of crack, so i lit my incense, and i realize i want a hug. I want human contact. I want someone that will let me put my head on their shoulders and feel calm and then i can cry and then the nasty thoughts might leave. I'm sad over Mike??? WTF child? Everytime i try to put my head on his shoulder, he pushes it down like im gonna perform oral sex on him. Why?? Try foreplay- try a hug - try TALKING to me. but in my deepest moments of patheticness i go back like some weird dog that knows if i keep doing his bidding, he'll throw me a smile or a kind word. And now i dont want it. Fucking crackhead.
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