Monday, June 16, 2008
Nuther Back Surgery
Word of advice. When your dr says you are done with physical therapy but take it easy for a while, he DOES NOT MEAN ITS OKAY TO LIFT A SMALL REFRIDGERATOR!!! Nobody told me this; i learned the hard way. And wouldn't you know it, *POP* i felt my back go out. Dr. Becker did an MRI and i busrt into tears when he said i opened my spine again. He hugged me and we began the process again. I'll prolly have the surgery in about 2-3 weeks. I like him, but there's a greater risk for complications and paralyzation. I'm scared.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Alone...
Its pitch black. I can hear the ocean all around me. I can feel the cold steel of a metal railing under my hands. I sense a presence and i open my eyes. I can see you, off to my left- just out of arms reach. The ocean is liquid black glass, no moon for reflection. Off in the distance is something; small, white, and bobbing closer. I look at you, but you have moved. You are now about 5 feet away. I reach my hands out anyway... knowing i cannot reach you. I return my hand to the railing and check on the white speck. It has bobbed close enough that i can see it is a small boat. i look back at you- do you see the boat? But you have moved even further away. now over 10 feet away, i can barely make out the features of your face. You have become a shadow. Laughter brings my attention back to the boat, where i see 4 people standing on the end. They are laughing and pointing to something i cannot see, in the far off distance. One of the men slides his arms gently around the waist of the females and she leans a head on his shoulder. I crave that touch. Nothing sexual, purely human. I reach my hand out to you, again knowing its futile. My hand grabs at nothing and when i look you have moved even further into the shadows. I cant even make out your silhuette, and i realize. I am alone. I close my eyes, and everything goes black.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Adults only, Seriously
Keep in mind as you read this- i have never asked for anything but your love. You wanted a woman that would love you, understand you and care about you. And i gave myself to you...
Can you imagine the first time we meet? Should i kiss your lips? Or pull you behind a tree and drop to my knees? Unbutton your zipper with my teeth, as you run your fingers thru my hair? I'll slide my hands up the side of your pants, and look up into your eyes as i pull your pants down. I look down, shy about what i want to do, but wanting you to tell me. You grip my hair with your hands, pulling me closer to your slightly swollen dick. I can feel myself getting wet, and i know wearing a skirt was a BIG mistake. I run my fingers slowly up your legs, scratching the inside of your thighs as my mouth finds exactly what it wants. I pull your cock out, teasing the end of it with my tounge, waiting further instructions from you. You pull my hair back, forcing me to look up at you. I know, when i see your eyes, im lost. I am at your command. I only want to please you.
I take the head of your cock in my mouth, and run my fingernails gently down the side of your leg. Not enough to make scratches, but enough to make shivers down your spine, and i hear your breath catch. I love that sound, and i can feel how wet my pussy is. I feel your fingers in my hair tighten, and i know what you want. I take a deep breath, and i take your entire dick in my mouth; down the back of my throat. As i wiggle my tongue, i can taste how sweet the first drops taste. I cant wait to swallow it all. But first i have to tease you... In and out... slowly... each time i force myself to take you all the way down my throat. I know you like it because you keep your hands tight in my hair and each time i pull back, you grip tightly. But each time i pull back, i look straight into your eyes, to capture that feeling of being yours. With my left hand, i slowly lift your dick, i play with the tip as i lean forward to take your balls in my mouth. You hold my hair with one hand; the other is slowly running up and down my neck. Each touch is like electricity, and i can actually feel my poor pussy dripping. I reach down with one hand to see how wet, but you pull my hair and shake your head no. Slowly i pull my hand back up, and reach to play with your balls. i lightly tickle them, then lead them to my mouth as my left hand keeps playing with the head of your cock.
I sit up on my knees to get a better grip on you, to play with your dick some more, but you push me away; back to the ground. I look up into your eyes to see what i have done wrong; what makes you continue to push me away? Your eyes are dancing with a teasing look. You pull off your shoes and pants completely, and crawl next to me. I feel your hands up my skirt, just teasing the outside of my tight, wet pussy. And then i feel your fingers, playing around the inside, as you lean over to kiss me. The electricity of your kiss, mixed with the teasing fingers; i lose my self-control, and when you push me back until im laying on the ground, i can't refuse. Your kisses are like lightning, sending shivers down my whole body, stopping at my pussy, now dripping with your finger playing circles just inside it. I reach up torun my fingers thru your hair and pull you own closer- i cant enough of you. My hands reach down to see if you are still rock hard, and i can feel that you are dripping, too. I open my legs a little, trying to send you the signal that i need you inside me. And I feel your finger slide all the way inside, which makes me kiss you harder. I pull you close, hugging you and kissing you at the same time, as your finger slides in and out.
Then you pull away from me again- no kisses, no hugs, nothing. What have i done this time?? Did you not like that?? I stare in your eyes, trying to see... what have i done? I move to sit up, but you shake your finger no. I am so very confused... Until you move down between my legs, i can see your eyes; smiling now. Instictively, i put my legs down, and you crawl over me, lifting my skirt as you do. I can feel how hard you are, and i brace myself, knowing what will happen, wanting it to, but being so afraid. But you lean down, entering me softly, staring directly in my eyes, and kiss me. I feel the head of your dick open my pussy; your fingers have done a very good job of getting me ready. I close my eyes, waiting for the final thrust and when i feel it, its like a million lightning bolts thru my body. I open my eyes to see you staring at me, making sure i am okay. I shake my head yes, and move my body to match yours, move for move. I can feel the pressure building, and even though ive never felt this way, i know whats going to happen. Without warning, i am no longer in control of my body. All my senses are gone, focused only on you, and the feelings jetting thru my whole body. I can feel your hands on my body, i can feel your cock inside me, but i cant stop the lightning, the electricty that has taken control. I grab your arms for help, but your eyes are smiling... you know what just happened, but you do not know you were my first. I slowly calm down, yet you continue to slowly fuck me, and i feel the elecrticity coming again.
When you reach down to kiss me again, i push you over onto your side. I want YOU to feel the same electricity you sent thru me. I slide down between your open legs, and i can SEE what you did to me. I reach down and touch your dick softly, and i see your body move. So my hands contiue down to play with your balls, and i bend down to kiss the tip of your cock. Its wet and slides easily down my throat. Before i can even come back up to tease you, your hands are playing in my hair, pulling me back. I want so badly to play; to tease; to taste! You pull me up for a deep deep kiss, and then release me. i slowly scratch my nails down your body... and resume teasing you with my tongue. I reach down, grab your hands and pull them thru my hair. I slowly slide your dick deep in my throat, and your hands tighten in my hair... i can feel this is it... you're about to feel the electricity you gave me. Your hands tighten in my hair, and i feel your cock pulsing in my mouth...i taste your sweetness fill my mouth,and i swallow as fast as i can, trying to please you. i know its very very sensitive, so i lighty suck all your juices out, licking and swallowing every drop. When you are completly empty, i crawl up beside you, kiss your forehead, and pull you into my arms. Wrapped in my arms, i let you sleep, knowing you are safe. Knowing you are loved.
Can you imagine the first time we meet? Should i kiss your lips? Or pull you behind a tree and drop to my knees? Unbutton your zipper with my teeth, as you run your fingers thru my hair? I'll slide my hands up the side of your pants, and look up into your eyes as i pull your pants down. I look down, shy about what i want to do, but wanting you to tell me. You grip my hair with your hands, pulling me closer to your slightly swollen dick. I can feel myself getting wet, and i know wearing a skirt was a BIG mistake. I run my fingers slowly up your legs, scratching the inside of your thighs as my mouth finds exactly what it wants. I pull your cock out, teasing the end of it with my tounge, waiting further instructions from you. You pull my hair back, forcing me to look up at you. I know, when i see your eyes, im lost. I am at your command. I only want to please you.
I take the head of your cock in my mouth, and run my fingernails gently down the side of your leg. Not enough to make scratches, but enough to make shivers down your spine, and i hear your breath catch. I love that sound, and i can feel how wet my pussy is. I feel your fingers in my hair tighten, and i know what you want. I take a deep breath, and i take your entire dick in my mouth; down the back of my throat. As i wiggle my tongue, i can taste how sweet the first drops taste. I cant wait to swallow it all. But first i have to tease you... In and out... slowly... each time i force myself to take you all the way down my throat. I know you like it because you keep your hands tight in my hair and each time i pull back, you grip tightly. But each time i pull back, i look straight into your eyes, to capture that feeling of being yours. With my left hand, i slowly lift your dick, i play with the tip as i lean forward to take your balls in my mouth. You hold my hair with one hand; the other is slowly running up and down my neck. Each touch is like electricity, and i can actually feel my poor pussy dripping. I reach down with one hand to see how wet, but you pull my hair and shake your head no. Slowly i pull my hand back up, and reach to play with your balls. i lightly tickle them, then lead them to my mouth as my left hand keeps playing with the head of your cock.
I sit up on my knees to get a better grip on you, to play with your dick some more, but you push me away; back to the ground. I look up into your eyes to see what i have done wrong; what makes you continue to push me away? Your eyes are dancing with a teasing look. You pull off your shoes and pants completely, and crawl next to me. I feel your hands up my skirt, just teasing the outside of my tight, wet pussy. And then i feel your fingers, playing around the inside, as you lean over to kiss me. The electricity of your kiss, mixed with the teasing fingers; i lose my self-control, and when you push me back until im laying on the ground, i can't refuse. Your kisses are like lightning, sending shivers down my whole body, stopping at my pussy, now dripping with your finger playing circles just inside it. I reach up torun my fingers thru your hair and pull you own closer- i cant enough of you. My hands reach down to see if you are still rock hard, and i can feel that you are dripping, too. I open my legs a little, trying to send you the signal that i need you inside me. And I feel your finger slide all the way inside, which makes me kiss you harder. I pull you close, hugging you and kissing you at the same time, as your finger slides in and out.
Then you pull away from me again- no kisses, no hugs, nothing. What have i done this time?? Did you not like that?? I stare in your eyes, trying to see... what have i done? I move to sit up, but you shake your finger no. I am so very confused... Until you move down between my legs, i can see your eyes; smiling now. Instictively, i put my legs down, and you crawl over me, lifting my skirt as you do. I can feel how hard you are, and i brace myself, knowing what will happen, wanting it to, but being so afraid. But you lean down, entering me softly, staring directly in my eyes, and kiss me. I feel the head of your dick open my pussy; your fingers have done a very good job of getting me ready. I close my eyes, waiting for the final thrust and when i feel it, its like a million lightning bolts thru my body. I open my eyes to see you staring at me, making sure i am okay. I shake my head yes, and move my body to match yours, move for move. I can feel the pressure building, and even though ive never felt this way, i know whats going to happen. Without warning, i am no longer in control of my body. All my senses are gone, focused only on you, and the feelings jetting thru my whole body. I can feel your hands on my body, i can feel your cock inside me, but i cant stop the lightning, the electricty that has taken control. I grab your arms for help, but your eyes are smiling... you know what just happened, but you do not know you were my first. I slowly calm down, yet you continue to slowly fuck me, and i feel the elecrticity coming again.
When you reach down to kiss me again, i push you over onto your side. I want YOU to feel the same electricity you sent thru me. I slide down between your open legs, and i can SEE what you did to me. I reach down and touch your dick softly, and i see your body move. So my hands contiue down to play with your balls, and i bend down to kiss the tip of your cock. Its wet and slides easily down my throat. Before i can even come back up to tease you, your hands are playing in my hair, pulling me back. I want so badly to play; to tease; to taste! You pull me up for a deep deep kiss, and then release me. i slowly scratch my nails down your body... and resume teasing you with my tongue. I reach down, grab your hands and pull them thru my hair. I slowly slide your dick deep in my throat, and your hands tighten in my hair... i can feel this is it... you're about to feel the electricity you gave me. Your hands tighten in my hair, and i feel your cock pulsing in my mouth...i taste your sweetness fill my mouth,and i swallow as fast as i can, trying to please you. i know its very very sensitive, so i lighty suck all your juices out, licking and swallowing every drop. When you are completly empty, i crawl up beside you, kiss your forehead, and pull you into my arms. Wrapped in my arms, i let you sleep, knowing you are safe. Knowing you are loved.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
back surgery
Well, valentines day officially sucked this year. k, i hate valentines day anyway, cause if you love somebody, you should love them everyday, not just cause a calandar says to. And i do love my boyfriend, even though he couldn't be with me this valentines. Why?? And why am i bitching about it 3 days later?? Cuz i've been in the HOSPITAL. My valentines day gift was back surgery. Ouch. No, truthfully it doesn'y hurt. Dr. Becker is awesome!! I promised my weight will drop (im ashamed to say the number, but it's pretty damn high.) if he gets rid of the pain. And he did! im bed ridden 20 hours a day for 3 weeks, allowed only short 10 or 15 minutes breaks every now and then. But i'll hit my park, and you just watch this weight drop!!! =) So V-day sucked, but...i like morphone. **drools**
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Me!
I have something called Border-line Personality Disorder. If you know me, this is no real surprise. If you google this "disorder" you'll get a long list of things to read... let me save you the time. My mother refers to me as a chameleon. That is to say that i will change my colors to fit in with whomever i am with. Again, if you know me, you shouldn't be surprised. I censour myself, because what if what I want isn't what you want? Then there's conflict. Drama. And nobody likes drama. If i can stop it before it begins, all the better. As i write this, i have no clue who will read it. But i can imagine your thoughts as you read it, and my mentality tells me to tell you the good things about me, not the bad. Well, screw it. To know ME, you must know what ive been thru to get here. I am a rape survivor. I am a kidnap survivor. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I've been in a fatal car accident and ive had 5 major operations. I have lost family members to drugs, AIDS, and cancer. And i keep smiling. Why? Because i crave positive energy. I know what happens when people get angry, and i want to avoid that at all costs. A part of BPD is narcesism. I don't think the world revolves around me, nor do i want it to. But i do constantly think of myself...as in the way. I need constant reassurance, otherside i feel like ive done something wrong. Again, this is where smiling comes in handy. A simple smile tells me i am welcome, im okay. Relax. When you don't smile... i need to be on guard because something is wrong. In my head, how can i keep you happy is constantly on my thoughts. You like brown hair? Red? Blond? Been there, done that. And i'll do it again. Jeans? Slacks? Dresses? Been there, too. Whether I like it or not, its keeping you happy that matters. I don't get jealous; it's not worth it. If being with that other woman makes you happy- go for it! Yes, it'll hurt like hell, but no, you will never know. I have been a witness at an ex's wedding to a female he cheated on me with. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I smile? Yes. The downside to BPD is being undecisive. I've been accused of being flaky, or being uninterested. Believe me, I'm interested! I feel like Johnny-5, waiting for input. How's your day going? (Stop, check for smile. No smile...change subject) How's work/school/home? (Stop, check for smile. Smile? Stay with subject) My mind races thru these thoughts at the speed of light, so if you ever catch me staring off into space, i'm just trying to grab one. My friends ask me my opinion... i freeze. What if mine differs from theirs? What if i open my mouth and say something stupid? It's not a matter of "Whats the worst that can happen" cause my mind knows what can/does/will happen. So my brain tells my mouth to shut up before it can get us in trouble. Decisions are better off left to you, that way i know what you like.
Welcome to me.
Welcome to me.
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