Maybe they're right

i have no one to turn to. I live in a tent, on my mother's front lawn. The tent has a broken zipper, so we have no front door. For the first time in 2 months, it is raining, which is how we found out the tent in NOT waterproof. Our tarp is covering our mattress, which is leaned against the house getting wet regardless. We, our? Yes, i'm moving in with Mike. You're asking yourself why, with two incomes, (3, really) are we living in a tent? By the end of this letter, you will be saying Why is she staying with him?? But i jump ahead of myself.

July 1, i paid Mike 250.00 for rent early because he had to pick up his children. 10 minutes later, his sister called wanting to borrow money. To each his own, my rent was paid. I trusted Mike to pay the homeowner's fees. We had talked deriously about moving out, but made no serious effort to do so. We needed a 2 bedroom at least, so mikes son can have his own room. And then the kids came... And wanted to stay. And i was ready to leave. I can do a 1 bedroom easily. But i couldn't live with myself for ditching Mike, so i stuck it out. 3 weeks later, on the hottest day of July (In TEN YEARS, no less), the idiot we sublet from came into my work. To tell me they had turned off our power. He was drunk enough to believe the circuit had shorted our due to the air conditioner; but had this inkling. I texted Mike, who chose then to inform me that he had, in fact, NOT paid, because we were saving up to move. Oh, okay. Well, now what? Send the kids to his mom's, and we'll play camping for a few weeks and look for an apartment. Yeah, just what i want to do- live in a dark apartment with no hot water, 2 alcoholics and a dog. So i started looking for an affordable 2 bedroom apartment. I can tough it out for a few days, right? This is the scenario that brought Mike and i together. They HOA turned off our electricity a few days after i moved in, because Sean hadn't paid dues in a year. Mike made arraingments and the power was restored. While i was apartment hunting, Sean had called the elecetric company to find out how much Mike owed. Mike didn't owe cause i had just paid the bill. Which left Sean knowing why the power was cut off. Which made him mad. An alcoholic with a proven temper is bad enough. But add a valid reason to be mad? Shit. We packed up and came to my mom's that very night.

We spent the first night on the floor of the den, but only because the cousin supposed to be living in that room was off trying to find a girlfriend she could mooch off of. The next day i asked my brother if i could borrow his tent. He said yes, and here we are. During all this, Mike and i continue to work, and the extra 15 miles round trip from lake tapps to auburn is bleeding our gas tanks. I apply to a few apartments, get approved and then get bumped from bottom floor to top. No top floor. Next? We find a nice little place in Auburn, it's damn near perfect, except 2 things. Because of an incident in MY past, they want a 1350 dollar damage deposit. Yikes! This is before rent. I put my last 500 down, to hold the apartment, and i vow to live on bread and water for the next 2 weeks.

I ignore anybody that talks shit about Mike, i know wy we're in this situation. I work hard, to prove to my boss i'm reliable, dependable, i can do anything! I'm praying they dont cut my hours. I will put the entire paycheck towards the deposit, and live one more week on bread and water... The rest of the deposit will be taken care of on the 1st, and mike will pay rent. Right? After car payment and insurance, i'll be broke, again. When i say broke, i dont mean i have a little money. I mean i have pennies in my account just in case i need to pull out emergency cash. Yes, it will throw me into overdraft, but it MIGHT have to be done. Careful planning should avoid this.

Back to Sherwood Gardens... 2 pools, sauna, on-site laundry, tons of parking, our apartment was so far from the office that they would never know there was 3 of us. So what was the 2nd thing wrong? As they say in the movies, "Location, location, location." This complex was right across the street from the Muckleshoot Casino. I kept telling myself that while Mike has a severe gambling problem, he would never lose rent money to a casino. I push the fact that our July rent (our? hmmm...) probably went to a casino out of my head. This was all okay, i could handle the stress bit by bit, until it started to rain. We need the rain, and it hasn't rained in almost 2 months. People's lawns were turning ugly colors. Mike had yesterday off, and was suppsoed to spend it with Nathan. Apparently 4 hours was enough, cause he was back at my work by 6. I took my break, and went out to his truck. He had plans to go out drinking, and would see me at the bar when i got off. At 11. How can he drink when we have no money?

He tells me he has money, he's saving up for rent. He wont drink to much, he says. I ask him not to drive, because it had started to rain, which makes the road slippery. I can't emotionally afford a car accident, and financially we'd be really screwed if he gets pulled over or worse. He snapped back to stop worrying, he's a big boy. He's 47 and can take care of himself. (Yeah? PROVE IT. But i shut up.) I was hurt and pissed. I got out of his truck without a kiss and walked into work without turning around. 20 steps later, i was crying as i walked in the front door. Who can i talk to? Who will tell me it will be okay, and we will get thru this? Meghan and Angela will both tell me the truth, which i already know. Then i would take out my hurt from Mike on them, and lose friends and create drama at work. So i keep it inside. It rains harder as the night goes on. I start to develop a headache. I rarely get headaches, so i assume this will pass. just the rain pushing the allergins out of the air, right? I go to work, closing with the store manager in the first time for 4 months. This manager we HAVE to impress. You dont impress her, you get your hours cut drastically. And i really dont want that right now. I'm running around stocking, facing, dusting, and nursing a headache. 9PM rolls around, and my head hurts with every move i make. I now know it's stress, because i took medication at lunch and it didn't go away. Plus, Mike showed up about 15 minutes later, just to tell me he's okay, and i swear i felt it go away. When he left it started up again, worse than before. I knew he would drink more, but after drinking for 3 hours, he was still pretty sober. We got out of work at 10:45 and i texted him. He was at the store; i'll see you at home. Nice! I was actually happy to go home, and relax a little. Watch a movie and nurse this damn headache.

I got home, but couldn't even get out of the car. I HATE being here. I hate the fact that i live in a tent because there's no room in the inn. I hate the fact that my mother would give up her own room if i could truthfully say i was pregnant. But i digress. When i see Mike's headlights in the driveway, only then do i open my car door. i walk over to his car to say hello and he looks like hell. In fact, he looks like i feel. What happened?! He says he feels like shit. "Why honey? Are you sick?""i spent too much money today; money we dont have."
In the back of my head i KNEW what was coming and i fought the urge to run for my razor. (talk about regression, sheesh.) I wanted to believe he spent money drinking, with Nathan, on his mom, ANYTHING!!! No... he lost over 100 dollars. To the casino. And my cute little apartment with 2 pools, sauna, and lots of parking? Right out the window. I can't afford it financially, and mentally i would never stop stressing. Not IF he was there, but HOW LONG he was there. Not that that makes a difference; i've seen him play 3 hours on 20 dollars and lose 50 in the next 2 minutes. I didn't say a word about it. He looked sorry, said he felt like shit, whats the point? Why cause drama? We go to bed.

All night, tossing and turning, nightmares racing thru my head. Everytime i wake up, there is a new puddle on the floor. Because my laptop serves as light, and entertainment we have an extension cord from the house to the tent. In the dark i mentally picture myself stepping into a puddle of water on top of the elecrtic cord. Much as i love lightning, i dont want to be electrocuted. Again. And i dont want my laptop wet, so i unplug and hide it under my pillow. 3AM...4AM... sleep wont come. Naps, yes. With nightmares. I only have nightmares when i'm at the top of my stress point, so i know i'm in trouble. At 6AM a splash of water hits my forehead and i jolt out of bed; wide awake. I run thru who i can talk to about this; Matt's already mad cause i can't afford to come to Tacoma, John wont speak to me because i wont have sex with him. Steve will just offer to kick Mike's ass, Meghan the same. Julie and Angela will say pack up and leave his ass, and anybody in the house would say the same. Even if i HAD a therapist i wouldn't call her because she would say the same damn thing. So now you know my situation, up to the minute. Was i right? Are you asking yourself why i'm stupid enough to stay with him? Because i will spent the rest of my natural life wondering if he's okay. His kids, his mom, him. Are they okay? I know because i still do this about my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. This is me, and i know myself.