cant think of a title

sorry all, kinda shaken. bizarre, cause i usually think of a title that will catch your eye. Anyway, I'm sitting on my front porch, because mike is asleep in the bedroom and i really do NOT want to wake him. Had a good day at work, and we went out after. I didn't think we were going to go out, but he wanted to. So we got dressed up; haven't done that in a while. Went out, had a great time. but just before we were headed out, my friend from work texted me; another friend had lost her job. She was asked to do a random drug test, and refused because she knew she would fail. So they fired her. Now, she has had several different things wrong with her lately, her cancer, her kidneys, and some other things. So naturally she's gonna have something in her system. Well, throughout our night out, all my friends from work are texting, back and forth, trying to get the real story. About midnight, Julie herself walks in. Now, if i was a bitch, i would have grabbed my phone, conference called my friends and hid the phone under the table. Instead, i turned off my phone, and just hugged her and let her cry. At 12:30 they called for last call and Mike sang his last song of the night. Mustang Sally; one of his favorites. (See, honey, i WAS paying attention.) After that, we left, and Mike asked to go to the casino. Now, before we lived 1/2 mile away, so i could make his ass walk home. But we now live 5 miles away, and besides, it's HIS money, let him spend as he wants as long as he doesn't ask me, right? Sure honey, lets go. And straight back to the bar he goes, i stop off at the bathroom. When i rejoin mike at the bar, i hear "There she is!" but in a bad way, like i wouldn't let mike out of my sights. Turning around, i see... Sean. Captain douchbag that we used to sublet from. And he is GREEN. Drunk off his ass, his eyes are gross and yellow and he looks sick. He comes to hug me, and mike walks away. wtf?

Sean sways next to me for about 10 minutes, bitching about mike, and how horrible he is, at the top of his lungs. Finally i excuse myself, and walk away because i dont want to punch him in a public place. i walk to the blackjack table and mike can tell im pissed. And its getting worse. the original "Only 20 dollars, honey" has already been 50, and he loses that in 3 hands. Puts down another 40, loses that in 3 hands. Another 40, another 3 hands. Countig? 130 dollars in TEN FUCKING MINUTES. So we leave. We've been at the bar a total of 25 minutes. In that 25 minutes, his attitude changed completly. The whole way home, he's mad at sean for being at the casino, mad at the casino for taking his money, mad at me for letting him go. Isn't deflecting responsibility a major sign of an addiction?? I didn't say a word the whole way home.

At our house, we have 2 assigned parking spaces. Mike's truck is in one, and Mike's car is in the other. To avoid the nieghbors saying anything, i park on the street. As i pulled off to park, he screamed at me to just park in the f***ing lot, nobody will F'ing care, F this, F that. I turned off the car, and he got out and slammed the door. Still screaming, he got into his truck, and i thought he was just moving it... no- he LEFT. Took off screeching down 29th st, drunk, cops everywhere. It was about a block down before he remembered to turn on his lights. I knew i was gonna have a panic attack if i stayed or followed, so i went ito the house. Took my anxiety meds, and laid down on the couch to deep breath, and it hit. Heart pounding, pulse beating in my ears, white dots floating behind my eyes, room spinning, thoughts racing. I pulled the blanket over my head, oxygen deprovation will help slow breath. Then police sirens... DAMN IT! it started again. But then i heard Mikes boots on the stairs, so i had to calm down. He came in, slammed the door, went in the kitchen then into the bedroom. I was trying to breath, but he thought i was crying, so he came over and told me to stop acting like a small child, grow up and go in the bedroom. He's the man, he gets the couch. I was trying to explain, the words wouldn't come. ((Try to talk when you can't breath; you'll understand))

That couch was my grandfather's. MY GRANDFATHER, and i was grandpa's girl. i slept on that couch when i was a child, and i was the only grandchild allowed to. Its special to me, and i knew it would help calm me down. But he kept insulting me, so i got up and came in the bedroom. He grabbed me on the bed in a semi bear hug and told me i am too much of a child. i told him i wasn't strong enough to be his girlfriend and want out. He squeezed me until he fell asleep. Its now 4AM and i must sleep.