Stand up for myself?? Yeah. Right.

i never thought in my wildest dreams that it would come to this. I figured, i've run, i've been paralized in fear, i sleep fully clothed, keys and wallet hidden, medication and cell phone in pocket. Anything i need to get out of the house NOW is within arms reach, or just a trip to the bathroom. Yesterday i cut myself, to deal with some pain i was in, and tonight Mike went out drinking. One should have nothing to do with the other, but... He came home screaming, and throwing things around. He hates going to the bar alone, he resents the fact that i get money without working, he hates my family, etc. Then he ripped off the bandage and started screaming about that. So... I stood up for myself. I sat up, and told him that my family , my money and my arm are not his business. He grabbed his freaking SWORD and tried to stab me. Seriously.  I laid down just in time for him to miss me and hit the wall. There is a cut mark in the wall, right where my head would be. In the second it took him to put the sword from the wall, i rolled off the bed and was trying to hit the bathroom. He grabbed me by the hood of my hoodie, and pulled me back onto the bed. I grabbed the blanket, rolled it around me and he just started hitting. He grabbed anything in reach, and it became a projectile. It seems standing up for myself made it worse.

Unappriciation

"i hope you get your fill of unappriciation in WA, cuz when you come to TX i wont put up with it."


This was texted to me by my bestfriend, who, even though he's 2 thousand miles away, knows my life better than i do. I was supposed to be in Texas already, but fundage is low. Hell, its non-existant. I wont have money for any christmas gifts, let alone plane tickets. I feel like a heel, because its been a month of promises, that i cant follow up on. Why cant i follow up on it? cause i have a 47 year old baby to take care of. Do i have to? No, BUT! i know if i leave now, he;ll end up in a ditch somewhere and i'll feel guilty as hell the rest of my life. I still feel bad about how things ended with Aziz. I want to run to D, to have his arms hold me and tell me everything will be ok. But thats the problem... I run to him, to protect me, but then i feel helpless, and grow resentful. Vicious circle. I love him, but i have to make sure i love him for him, NOT because i hate my situation. Does that make sense??

Grandma's Birthday

Today my grandma turned 77.. Wow! Shopping for Grandma is both easy and difficult. It's easy cause she collects angels, so anything with an angel on it she'll love. The difficult part? Finding something she doesn't have, AND something rare enough that nobody else will buy it. Homemade angels are nice too, but i'm not that skilled. And she cant exactly put a poem of an angel in her display case... I bought her a little plaque, from Val's magazine catalog business, that had I love you grandma over the imprint of an angel. Unique, huh? She liked it- thats what counts. =)

GUNS!!!!

Visited my mom today, and my dad wasn't home. I was shocked because he hasn't left the house since his back surgery. Glad that he felt well enough to leave, but was dumb-struck when my mom told me he was at the gun range!! My family has never really been into guns, save for the loaded .22 my dad has for protection, and whatever it is that my brother takes hunting. When my dad came home, he was mad- the guy at the gun range made him and Shawn pay for 3 hours, then take an hour class before telling them that he was closing early. I felt bad, before he took his coat off... revealing a GUN! he had one of those holster things, and in it was a freaking gun. He was so excited to show me his toys, he brought out the lock-box (thank God) and bullets, covers, cases, etc. i hate guns, but dad was so happy i had to smile. But i smiled even more when he put it all away! =)

happy birthday to me

Not a bad way to turn 31, save for i'm missing one important person. Mike bought me a beautiful card, and an ice cream cake, and my parents took Nate and I out to dinner. Mike had to work, so my dad actually sprung to buy him an extra meal, and i took it to him. Michelle came and got Nate, and when Mike got home from work, we hit the bar. The homeplate, which is one of 2 places i'll go. We walked in, and mike announced to all (there were like, 6 people in there; LoL) that it was my birthday. Everyone bought me a shot, all with highly odd names. Screaming orgasm, slippery nipple, sex on the beach...

Came home and crawled into the new bed my mom bought... so comfortable. It will be a switch to not sleep on the floor!! =) =)

It was fun, but a far cry from last year, where my bestfriend was the only one i let buy me a drink. And i got WASTED and it was ll on video. which i watch when i want to remember why i dont drink. It was a good birthday, but... it was missing that one person.