When i got home from the hospital, i told mike we had to talk. i am afraid to talk to him when he's angry, and afraid to ruin his good mood when he's happy. he told me he will never ever hit me, and that if i speak up, it will make him listen. At the hospital, they taught me to ALWAYS HAVE A BACK-UP PLAN. So, now that its 2AM and mike isn't home, its time to implement them.
go to sleep DRESSED, ready to run. So, my tennis shoes are tied, keys and medication in my hoodie pocket, cellphone fully charged and in my jeans pocket. Yes, jeans, turtleneck, socks, shoes, and hoodie. HOT AS HELL, but... no chances!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Yet Again
i just spent the last 4 days in a mental hospital. 6 times a day we have different kinds of therapy, which unfortunatly did no help. we had belimics, suicide attempts, me, wife beaters, abuse victims, all sorts of people. I say therapy did no help because you cannot take that diverse group of people, and tell us all the same thing. I did learn some things, and i think i met my future-self. The last day i was there, at the first group meeting, we had a new-comer. This woman had slit her wrists because she did not know how to get away from her abusive husband. She didn't want to be alone, didn't want to anger him, but she didn't know what to do. This lady was in her mid 50's, and so timid, so shy. Even in the short hospital robes, she was trying to hide the bandages on her wrists. I actually wondered how she had been so strong for so long, living with an emotional abuser. Same as each morning, we all had to tell our background and say why we were here, when we hope to "graduate" and what we hope to accomplish. I said that i had learned i DO have an anger management problem, in the sense that i cannot control where it goes. i internalize my anger, taking it out on myself. This is why i am a cutter. After group, this quiet lady came up and introduced herself. I wont reveal her name. And she told me that she was also a cutter, before the attempt. I was dead on; i had met my future self. And i can either do it right and take aspirin to thin the blood before cutting, or i can grow and stop this BS.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Ouch~ Surgery...And Irony?
Strange. Riduculous and strange. I've been awake almost 48 hours, bear with me. 2 days ago mike had a dr apt for what he thought was hemmroids. i know i spelled that wrong; sue me. i went with because the last time he went they gave him a shot that made him woozy, so he may need a driver. Unfortunatly, he needed more than a driver. But i'm ahead of myself...
The dr listened to mikes hemroid history, and how he just needed it drained, so she stuck this metal telescope thing up his butt. Sans warning. He jumped, clenched down, and the telescope thing popped out. The dr said she didn't see any hemmroids, but she saw something. At this point we got worried. Until another lady walked in, and asked mike about his insurance. He doesn't have any. At that moment, everybody stopped. The dr with the telescope told us that without insurance, she could do nothing else but she did see something so he needs to be seen at the hospital ASAP. Viva La Seattle Indian Health Board. Imagine being proud of your heritage and having it be ashamed of you. Off to the hspital we went.
Harborview hospital... got there at 4pm, got back into the room at 11. At this point mike cant even sit down, he's in so much pain. I called his mom to see if she could go get nathan, and she wanted to be updated. same with my mom. But when we got back to the room (curtain) the dr's kept coming and trying to..uh... open the hurting area. Finally they had to give him a shot of lidocane and morphine to relax him and they saw an abcessed cyst. He needed surgery NOW. If it ruptured, he could become septic (blood infection) and die. The Dr could have been a little nicer telling us that, i believe. They wheeled him back to the ICU and kept him on a morphine drip, waiting to set up the surgical room. He was wheeled back at 2am, and out by 2:30. The nurse stayed with me the whole time, telling me what was going on, and how his vitals looked. They brought me into recovery and i had to take pics. he looked so drugged up; it was funny. He looked over and told me he loved me, and we'll always be together becasue i stood by him and forgave him for everything. then they wheeled him up to his room.
Now... I forgave him? He loves me? No. He doesn't love me, he loves the fact that i can, will and do everything and pretend that it doesn't matter. And it makes me mad, but oh well. He wasn't there for my surgery... What should that tell me?
The dr listened to mikes hemroid history, and how he just needed it drained, so she stuck this metal telescope thing up his butt. Sans warning. He jumped, clenched down, and the telescope thing popped out. The dr said she didn't see any hemmroids, but she saw something. At this point we got worried. Until another lady walked in, and asked mike about his insurance. He doesn't have any. At that moment, everybody stopped. The dr with the telescope told us that without insurance, she could do nothing else but she did see something so he needs to be seen at the hospital ASAP. Viva La Seattle Indian Health Board. Imagine being proud of your heritage and having it be ashamed of you. Off to the hspital we went.
Harborview hospital... got there at 4pm, got back into the room at 11. At this point mike cant even sit down, he's in so much pain. I called his mom to see if she could go get nathan, and she wanted to be updated. same with my mom. But when we got back to the room (curtain) the dr's kept coming and trying to..uh... open the hurting area. Finally they had to give him a shot of lidocane and morphine to relax him and they saw an abcessed cyst. He needed surgery NOW. If it ruptured, he could become septic (blood infection) and die. The Dr could have been a little nicer telling us that, i believe. They wheeled him back to the ICU and kept him on a morphine drip, waiting to set up the surgical room. He was wheeled back at 2am, and out by 2:30. The nurse stayed with me the whole time, telling me what was going on, and how his vitals looked. They brought me into recovery and i had to take pics. he looked so drugged up; it was funny. He looked over and told me he loved me, and we'll always be together becasue i stood by him and forgave him for everything. then they wheeled him up to his room.
Now... I forgave him? He loves me? No. He doesn't love me, he loves the fact that i can, will and do everything and pretend that it doesn't matter. And it makes me mad, but oh well. He wasn't there for my surgery... What should that tell me?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Matt, Mom, facebook, and Me
Okay, below is an ACTUAL "Facebook Fight" between Matt and I. And my mom jumps in at the end, which i had to laugh at his reaction...
I POSTED: You ceased to be my bestfriend when i learned your definition of "Bestfriend" is the same as A.T.M. Now, you are just my project. Something to be fixed.
October 5, 2010 at 7:59pm: Matt--why do women always have to "fix" other people? Maybe they should start with themselves, oh wait, that would require some sort of self honesty, so that'll never happen.
October 5, 2010 at 8:07pm · Melissa--Oh, you are SO not one to comment. Pretty sure you thought those were my initials at some point too.
October 5, 2010 at 8:09pm: Matt-- touche? did you learn anything from you're dealings with me? and yet you're trying to do it right this time? do you know the definition of crazy? How many times will it take for you to figure out that the only person in this life that you... can change is yourself? And why would you try to fix someone that you don't intend to spend your life with? and if you did intend to spend your life with someone, why would you want to change them into someone that you didn't become attached to? You women all seem to think that your so on top of everything? and then constantly blame us men that you look down upon with all your problems. And you wonder why Men have ruled the world since the beginning.
October 5, 2010 at 8:26pm ·Melissa--Crazy is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And yes, i expected their would only be one peson heartless enough to treat women like you do. My bad. Seems to be a Texas thing, cause i've got many ma...le friends that don't treat women that way. My stupidy is calling the retards that do "Bestfriend" until i wake up and realize that once you become MY Bestfriend (Can't speak for all women, sorry) You will treat me like shit and then blame it on me for not standing up for myself.
October 5, 2010 at 8:32pm · Matt--because that is the nature of things in the real world. Is it heartless to give someone your undivided attention, to bring fun, laughter, and good times to that person? Do you blame the Cat when you leave dinner out and the Cat eats it? Do ...you blame the dog when You don't come home and the dog shits on the carpet? You can't take all the good things about someone and take full advantage of those things and then turn around and bitch when the other person takes advantage. If you don't think that you put yourself out there to be taken advantage of, then you are not being honest with yourself. Oh and you can try all you want to disparage me, but we had fun and you learned a lot of things and experienced new life that has taken you down new paths in life. If you want a friend to love you for you, quit trying to give them everything and just be yourself.
October 5, 2010 at 8:52pm · Matt--Now if you want to keep up this tit for tat, I can start to bring up things that you can't run away from. Now everyone will be mad at me, but don't come here and act like the victim when you purposely put yourself into these positions.
October 5, 2010 at 8:53pm · Melissa--I'll be the first to admit that i pulled the wool over my own eyes, and saw what i wanted to see. And i do agree that i allowed you to take advantage of me, no one is disputing that fact. In fact, most everyone i know agrees with that!
October 5, 2010 at 8:57pm · Matt--I'd have to say that most everyone you know never once saw the two of us together and they have only your stories to base any opinions from. If it was just me, how come every person in your life has done this to you, it seems that this is something that has plagued you your whole life, I knew you for 8 months. You're almost 30. So you can say almost anything about me you want, but I never promised you anything, and when it was clear that I only wanted you as a friend, you took a series of escalating steps to force your way, it didn't work, but I'm the bad guy in all of this? hardly.
Its not like you have two or three relationships going at the same time or something, its not like your not cheating on all your boyfriends and then wondering why they treat you to your own standards.
I like you a lot Missy and you are a good person, but let me ask, did I let you buy me things? yes. Did I borrow your car? yes. But, DO NOT act like you were the only one that was providing anything w/i our friendship. And don't not act like you were treated cruelly, your whole problem is that I never went for you, even though I was in the middle of some serious personal issues, so instead of being a good friend, all of the sudden I became just another person that wronged you, its funny but I wonder how many other people I share this with, when it comes to you. I was a good friend to you, when I didn't go for you, all of the sudden I was a bad person that took advantage of you.
Its funny, while you were telling all of your people what a horrible person I was, you were also sending me messages asking when I was coming home and how much you missed me, so... you're right, I was a dirty dirty person that took advantage of you.
October 5, 2010 at 9:16pm · Melissa--The fact that you take this post so personally speaks volumes. I could go on, but this in fact had nothing to do with you. True, i have lived 30 years with people stepping on me, and i stay friends longest with the ones that hurt me most. A wise man once told me that i give 100% of myself, and leave nothing for myself to use, along with not calling on others to help me. I am not trying to sound like a victim, because every relationship i have or have had, i have learned something.
October 5, 2010 at 10:47pm · Matt--nope, I told you, I luv ya, I only want the best for you, but we've had this talk before, (and yes I knew who you were talking about) and a year ago, I told you something was wrong with this guy, I just wish you could get a break and not feel like this.
October 5, 2010 at 11:13pm · Melissa--Actually, dear, a year ago i didn't know the person this was posted about. But thanks for watchin my back. :)
October 5, 2010 at 11:15pm · Matthew--ok, so you're right, we had this discussion a couple months ago, when you told me all about your new bestfriend, you've proven me wrong, my bad.
October 5, 2010 at 11:17pm ·Cindy--Matt, you are SO yesterday. Move on!
**I later got an email from Matt asking why my mom felt the need to get in his business. But when you post on Facebook, it's no longer personal, it's public. And my mom was the one providing Matt with the majority of what he "borrowed" so she didn't need MY opinion; she has mother's intuition. Ha!
I POSTED: You ceased to be my bestfriend when i learned your definition of "Bestfriend" is the same as A.T.M. Now, you are just my project. Something to be fixed.
October 5, 2010 at 7:59pm: Matt--why do women always have to "fix" other people? Maybe they should start with themselves, oh wait, that would require some sort of self honesty, so that'll never happen.
October 5, 2010 at 8:07pm · Melissa--Oh, you are SO not one to comment. Pretty sure you thought those were my initials at some point too.
October 5, 2010 at 8:09pm: Matt-- touche? did you learn anything from you're dealings with me? and yet you're trying to do it right this time? do you know the definition of crazy? How many times will it take for you to figure out that the only person in this life that you... can change is yourself? And why would you try to fix someone that you don't intend to spend your life with? and if you did intend to spend your life with someone, why would you want to change them into someone that you didn't become attached to? You women all seem to think that your so on top of everything? and then constantly blame us men that you look down upon with all your problems. And you wonder why Men have ruled the world since the beginning.
October 5, 2010 at 8:26pm ·Melissa--Crazy is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And yes, i expected their would only be one peson heartless enough to treat women like you do. My bad. Seems to be a Texas thing, cause i've got many ma...le friends that don't treat women that way. My stupidy is calling the retards that do "Bestfriend" until i wake up and realize that once you become MY Bestfriend (Can't speak for all women, sorry) You will treat me like shit and then blame it on me for not standing up for myself.
October 5, 2010 at 8:32pm · Matt--because that is the nature of things in the real world. Is it heartless to give someone your undivided attention, to bring fun, laughter, and good times to that person? Do you blame the Cat when you leave dinner out and the Cat eats it? Do ...you blame the dog when You don't come home and the dog shits on the carpet? You can't take all the good things about someone and take full advantage of those things and then turn around and bitch when the other person takes advantage. If you don't think that you put yourself out there to be taken advantage of, then you are not being honest with yourself. Oh and you can try all you want to disparage me, but we had fun and you learned a lot of things and experienced new life that has taken you down new paths in life. If you want a friend to love you for you, quit trying to give them everything and just be yourself.
October 5, 2010 at 8:52pm · Matt--Now if you want to keep up this tit for tat, I can start to bring up things that you can't run away from. Now everyone will be mad at me, but don't come here and act like the victim when you purposely put yourself into these positions.
October 5, 2010 at 8:53pm · Melissa--I'll be the first to admit that i pulled the wool over my own eyes, and saw what i wanted to see. And i do agree that i allowed you to take advantage of me, no one is disputing that fact. In fact, most everyone i know agrees with that!
October 5, 2010 at 8:57pm · Matt--I'd have to say that most everyone you know never once saw the two of us together and they have only your stories to base any opinions from. If it was just me, how come every person in your life has done this to you, it seems that this is something that has plagued you your whole life, I knew you for 8 months. You're almost 30. So you can say almost anything about me you want, but I never promised you anything, and when it was clear that I only wanted you as a friend, you took a series of escalating steps to force your way, it didn't work, but I'm the bad guy in all of this? hardly.
Its not like you have two or three relationships going at the same time or something, its not like your not cheating on all your boyfriends and then wondering why they treat you to your own standards.
I like you a lot Missy and you are a good person, but let me ask, did I let you buy me things? yes. Did I borrow your car? yes. But, DO NOT act like you were the only one that was providing anything w/i our friendship. And don't not act like you were treated cruelly, your whole problem is that I never went for you, even though I was in the middle of some serious personal issues, so instead of being a good friend, all of the sudden I became just another person that wronged you, its funny but I wonder how many other people I share this with, when it comes to you. I was a good friend to you, when I didn't go for you, all of the sudden I was a bad person that took advantage of you.
Its funny, while you were telling all of your people what a horrible person I was, you were also sending me messages asking when I was coming home and how much you missed me, so... you're right, I was a dirty dirty person that took advantage of you.
October 5, 2010 at 9:16pm · Melissa--The fact that you take this post so personally speaks volumes. I could go on, but this in fact had nothing to do with you. True, i have lived 30 years with people stepping on me, and i stay friends longest with the ones that hurt me most. A wise man once told me that i give 100% of myself, and leave nothing for myself to use, along with not calling on others to help me. I am not trying to sound like a victim, because every relationship i have or have had, i have learned something.
October 5, 2010 at 10:47pm · Matt--nope, I told you, I luv ya, I only want the best for you, but we've had this talk before, (and yes I knew who you were talking about) and a year ago, I told you something was wrong with this guy, I just wish you could get a break and not feel like this.
October 5, 2010 at 11:13pm · Melissa--Actually, dear, a year ago i didn't know the person this was posted about. But thanks for watchin my back. :)
October 5, 2010 at 11:15pm · Matthew--ok, so you're right, we had this discussion a couple months ago, when you told me all about your new bestfriend, you've proven me wrong, my bad.
October 5, 2010 at 11:17pm ·Cindy--Matt, you are SO yesterday. Move on!
**I later got an email from Matt asking why my mom felt the need to get in his business. But when you post on Facebook, it's no longer personal, it's public. And my mom was the one providing Matt with the majority of what he "borrowed" so she didn't need MY opinion; she has mother's intuition. Ha!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
OUCH- Surgery!
This wasn't my first surgery.This wont be my last, either. Sure as shit it was the most complicated. No, not the Doctor, he did a great job! Save for the fact that i only met him for 5 mins, before he read over my doc's notes and decided i needed surgery. So surgery was scheduled. Mike has been working 13 hour days for the last 2 weeks, and i knew he would be too tired, but i asked him if he could drive me and pick me up. I dont need any hand holding! I didn't tell my mom, cause i doubt she'd remember, or something would come up and i'd be hurt and dissapointed if she didn't show up. I'd rather do it myself then be hurt when no one comes thru. The hospital called my grandmother becaue they couldn't get ahold of me, so that changed that plan. But they did say that they would bring Dave up, so he could be there. He's incessant about being there. I keep telling him i dont need anybody, i dont need anybody, i dont need anybody... but he seems to think he knows better than me. Whatever. We compromised, and Mike will take me in the AM, my mom will pick dave up and bring him so they can both be there, and dave can drive my car home, then my mom can take him home. Then i can get sleep...zzZZZzzzzZZZzzzz.....
Mike said he would be there for me. Except the night before the surgery, he went out after work. I'm at home, freaking out, and he shows up at 3AM. He walked in, talking about overtime and traffic. Wasn't until i got home yesterday that i saw his timecard. Yeah, boyfriend of the year was out of work at 9PM, went drinking, gambling, and i'm at home freaking out cause i have to be in surgery by 8. Why do i give a shit?
Another change of plans, my mom wasn't going to school. In fact, she didn't really remember i had surgery! So i asked dave if he'd take me, stay and bring me home. Then my mom can take him home. I grabbed him up the next morning, we went to the hospital, and they checked me in. Lovely hospital gown! :-P Dave came in and we waited until it was time. He said he loved me, and they took me back. Next thing i remember was waking up with my mom and grandma standing over me, with a very cute nurse taking my vitals. He asked if i wanted dave to come back; of course! First i asked my mom... No, Mike hadn't shown up. He had called the house, thats worth something i suppose. At this point dave is getting more points in the "I give a shit about Missy" catagory. Least he's here for me.
Mom had bought me flowers and a card, and as we were getting ready to head home (She drove me, Dave drove my car, then my mom was going to take Dave home.) We have been thru surgery before, and the quickest way to recovery is SLEEP. I could not wait to get back into bed and just sleep away the pain and the medication. On the way home, amanda called my mom. Bitch needs to go pick up her son, needs my mom's car. So change of plans... We stopped at the store and got soft foods i could eat, and Dave bought me a cute card. My mom was going to come back ASAP to take Dave home, so i could sleep.
When we got to my house, he helped me set up a bed on the couch. He got comfortable, setting up movies he could watch. I was trying to not fall asleep until he left, but after an hour i gave up. I texted my mom, who told me she wasn't comfortable around dave, so i passed out asleep. And as soon as i did... He woke me up. Why?? I'm not sure. But strtoking my hair and kissing me was not helping at this point. Texted mom again... Not coming. Back to sleep... Awoken again. In pain, took pill, asleep. Woken up. LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME SLEEP!!!!! I was so tempted to tell him to take the bus but i was hoping he'd leave on his own so i wouldn't feel bad. I was in and out of it all day, but i remember dave left before mike came home. As soon as he did, i grabbed my blankets and crawled in bed. I slept until mike walked in with a cute card. Then left and came back with a potted flower, the color of the rose my mom had given me! Then left again and came back with a huge pink butterfly balloon. I lined all my gifts up, and passed out. That night, when i woke up, Nate brought me dinner he had made. He didn't know i had surgery, he thought i was sick. What a kid.
Today i woke up in a little pain, but mostly i feel like i've been punched in the stomach many times. Like a tattoo almost! I can see my belly button is bruised, thats where they actually pulled out the gall bladder. Yikes! But i cant wait to take the bandages of and see what it looks like! :-)
Mike said he would be there for me. Except the night before the surgery, he went out after work. I'm at home, freaking out, and he shows up at 3AM. He walked in, talking about overtime and traffic. Wasn't until i got home yesterday that i saw his timecard. Yeah, boyfriend of the year was out of work at 9PM, went drinking, gambling, and i'm at home freaking out cause i have to be in surgery by 8. Why do i give a shit?
Another change of plans, my mom wasn't going to school. In fact, she didn't really remember i had surgery! So i asked dave if he'd take me, stay and bring me home. Then my mom can take him home. I grabbed him up the next morning, we went to the hospital, and they checked me in. Lovely hospital gown! :-P Dave came in and we waited until it was time. He said he loved me, and they took me back. Next thing i remember was waking up with my mom and grandma standing over me, with a very cute nurse taking my vitals. He asked if i wanted dave to come back; of course! First i asked my mom... No, Mike hadn't shown up. He had called the house, thats worth something i suppose. At this point dave is getting more points in the "I give a shit about Missy" catagory. Least he's here for me.
Mom had bought me flowers and a card, and as we were getting ready to head home (She drove me, Dave drove my car, then my mom was going to take Dave home.) We have been thru surgery before, and the quickest way to recovery is SLEEP. I could not wait to get back into bed and just sleep away the pain and the medication. On the way home, amanda called my mom. Bitch needs to go pick up her son, needs my mom's car. So change of plans... We stopped at the store and got soft foods i could eat, and Dave bought me a cute card. My mom was going to come back ASAP to take Dave home, so i could sleep.
When we got to my house, he helped me set up a bed on the couch. He got comfortable, setting up movies he could watch. I was trying to not fall asleep until he left, but after an hour i gave up. I texted my mom, who told me she wasn't comfortable around dave, so i passed out asleep. And as soon as i did... He woke me up. Why?? I'm not sure. But strtoking my hair and kissing me was not helping at this point. Texted mom again... Not coming. Back to sleep... Awoken again. In pain, took pill, asleep. Woken up. LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME SLEEP!!!!! I was so tempted to tell him to take the bus but i was hoping he'd leave on his own so i wouldn't feel bad. I was in and out of it all day, but i remember dave left before mike came home. As soon as he did, i grabbed my blankets and crawled in bed. I slept until mike walked in with a cute card. Then left and came back with a potted flower, the color of the rose my mom had given me! Then left again and came back with a huge pink butterfly balloon. I lined all my gifts up, and passed out. That night, when i woke up, Nate brought me dinner he had made. He didn't know i had surgery, he thought i was sick. What a kid.
Today i woke up in a little pain, but mostly i feel like i've been punched in the stomach many times. Like a tattoo almost! I can see my belly button is bruised, thats where they actually pulled out the gall bladder. Yikes! But i cant wait to take the bandages of and see what it looks like! :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
