WHAT THE F**K WILL IT TAKE TO WAKE ME UP??!?!?!?!?
Good day at work, got hit on twice. Thats not what mde it a good day, but it helps the ego. my manager Ben gave me some extra hours, so i will actually have a decent paycheck this week. Yea!! I got off at 7 and went to Mike's work to visit. He got off at 9, and we came home. He has to work Saturday's at 8:30 so i knew we weren't going out. He started drinking, and i came in the bedroom to change from my work clothes. I checked my email, played on line a bit, and then went out to socialize. and mike was telling nathan why he calls me "juicy fruit". This is a highly embarrassing nickname for me, and for him to tell his 16 year old son why... i was hurt and confused. nate is openminded, teased me a little but knows when to drop it. At 10:30, mike starts playing his keyboard. Loudly. nate and i were watching some weird movie, but this mattered not. Nate told mike we were and Mike said "Shut up, fuckers." So nate called him Sean. I laughed. Mike turned the keyboard off, went into his room and grabbed his boots, hat and nice shirt. Came out getting dressed and walked out the door. Remember, he had been drinking rum and whiskey for an hour... I started to stress. He popped back in the door, looked at me and sid "I am NOT taking my phone" then left. We listened as his tires spun away.
It's 11:30, and he's not here, and i have no desire to follow. I want to call Aziz and say "How bad can Algeria REALLY be, seriously?? Can i come?" But no money for a ticket. HELP!!!
Update: It's 4:45, and i just woke up. I dont know when he got here, but he was snoring on the couch. I threw a blanket over him and came back to bed. I dont know what to do.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Every damn time
i know, this time was not your fault. But...
I haven't seen Matt for about a month now. Since living in a tent, looking for a place, and just not having money for gas or favors, besides the hurtful text he sent, i haven't gotten down there. Last time i was there, i loaned him 20 bucks, which he promised to get right back. So this time, he said he had my 20; i went down. And loaned him ANOTHER 50. Mike will so have my ass. It was an accident, cause Matt lost his wallet, but still. If our friendship was a business investment...
What do you think?
I haven't seen Matt for about a month now. Since living in a tent, looking for a place, and just not having money for gas or favors, besides the hurtful text he sent, i haven't gotten down there. Last time i was there, i loaned him 20 bucks, which he promised to get right back. So this time, he said he had my 20; i went down. And loaned him ANOTHER 50. Mike will so have my ass. It was an accident, cause Matt lost his wallet, but still. If our friendship was a business investment...
What do you think?
cant think of a title
sorry all, kinda shaken. bizarre, cause i usually think of a title that will catch your eye. Anyway, I'm sitting on my front porch, because mike is asleep in the bedroom and i really do NOT want to wake him. Had a good day at work, and we went out after. I didn't think we were going to go out, but he wanted to. So we got dressed up; haven't done that in a while. Went out, had a great time. but just before we were headed out, my friend from work texted me; another friend had lost her job. She was asked to do a random drug test, and refused because she knew she would fail. So they fired her. Now, she has had several different things wrong with her lately, her cancer, her kidneys, and some other things. So naturally she's gonna have something in her system. Well, throughout our night out, all my friends from work are texting, back and forth, trying to get the real story. About midnight, Julie herself walks in. Now, if i was a bitch, i would have grabbed my phone, conference called my friends and hid the phone under the table. Instead, i turned off my phone, and just hugged her and let her cry. At 12:30 they called for last call and Mike sang his last song of the night. Mustang Sally; one of his favorites. (See, honey, i WAS paying attention.) After that, we left, and Mike asked to go to the casino. Now, before we lived 1/2 mile away, so i could make his ass walk home. But we now live 5 miles away, and besides, it's HIS money, let him spend as he wants as long as he doesn't ask me, right? Sure honey, lets go. And straight back to the bar he goes, i stop off at the bathroom. When i rejoin mike at the bar, i hear "There she is!" but in a bad way, like i wouldn't let mike out of my sights. Turning around, i see... Sean. Captain douchbag that we used to sublet from. And he is GREEN. Drunk off his ass, his eyes are gross and yellow and he looks sick. He comes to hug me, and mike walks away. wtf?
Sean sways next to me for about 10 minutes, bitching about mike, and how horrible he is, at the top of his lungs. Finally i excuse myself, and walk away because i dont want to punch him in a public place. i walk to the blackjack table and mike can tell im pissed. And its getting worse. the original "Only 20 dollars, honey" has already been 50, and he loses that in 3 hands. Puts down another 40, loses that in 3 hands. Another 40, another 3 hands. Countig? 130 dollars in TEN FUCKING MINUTES. So we leave. We've been at the bar a total of 25 minutes. In that 25 minutes, his attitude changed completly. The whole way home, he's mad at sean for being at the casino, mad at the casino for taking his money, mad at me for letting him go. Isn't deflecting responsibility a major sign of an addiction?? I didn't say a word the whole way home.
At our house, we have 2 assigned parking spaces. Mike's truck is in one, and Mike's car is in the other. To avoid the nieghbors saying anything, i park on the street. As i pulled off to park, he screamed at me to just park in the f***ing lot, nobody will F'ing care, F this, F that. I turned off the car, and he got out and slammed the door. Still screaming, he got into his truck, and i thought he was just moving it... no- he LEFT. Took off screeching down 29th st, drunk, cops everywhere. It was about a block down before he remembered to turn on his lights. I knew i was gonna have a panic attack if i stayed or followed, so i went ito the house. Took my anxiety meds, and laid down on the couch to deep breath, and it hit. Heart pounding, pulse beating in my ears, white dots floating behind my eyes, room spinning, thoughts racing. I pulled the blanket over my head, oxygen deprovation will help slow breath. Then police sirens... DAMN IT! it started again. But then i heard Mikes boots on the stairs, so i had to calm down. He came in, slammed the door, went in the kitchen then into the bedroom. I was trying to breath, but he thought i was crying, so he came over and told me to stop acting like a small child, grow up and go in the bedroom. He's the man, he gets the couch. I was trying to explain, the words wouldn't come. ((Try to talk when you can't breath; you'll understand))
That couch was my grandfather's. MY GRANDFATHER, and i was grandpa's girl. i slept on that couch when i was a child, and i was the only grandchild allowed to. Its special to me, and i knew it would help calm me down. But he kept insulting me, so i got up and came in the bedroom. He grabbed me on the bed in a semi bear hug and told me i am too much of a child. i told him i wasn't strong enough to be his girlfriend and want out. He squeezed me until he fell asleep. Its now 4AM and i must sleep.
Sean sways next to me for about 10 minutes, bitching about mike, and how horrible he is, at the top of his lungs. Finally i excuse myself, and walk away because i dont want to punch him in a public place. i walk to the blackjack table and mike can tell im pissed. And its getting worse. the original "Only 20 dollars, honey" has already been 50, and he loses that in 3 hands. Puts down another 40, loses that in 3 hands. Another 40, another 3 hands. Countig? 130 dollars in TEN FUCKING MINUTES. So we leave. We've been at the bar a total of 25 minutes. In that 25 minutes, his attitude changed completly. The whole way home, he's mad at sean for being at the casino, mad at the casino for taking his money, mad at me for letting him go. Isn't deflecting responsibility a major sign of an addiction?? I didn't say a word the whole way home.
At our house, we have 2 assigned parking spaces. Mike's truck is in one, and Mike's car is in the other. To avoid the nieghbors saying anything, i park on the street. As i pulled off to park, he screamed at me to just park in the f***ing lot, nobody will F'ing care, F this, F that. I turned off the car, and he got out and slammed the door. Still screaming, he got into his truck, and i thought he was just moving it... no- he LEFT. Took off screeching down 29th st, drunk, cops everywhere. It was about a block down before he remembered to turn on his lights. I knew i was gonna have a panic attack if i stayed or followed, so i went ito the house. Took my anxiety meds, and laid down on the couch to deep breath, and it hit. Heart pounding, pulse beating in my ears, white dots floating behind my eyes, room spinning, thoughts racing. I pulled the blanket over my head, oxygen deprovation will help slow breath. Then police sirens... DAMN IT! it started again. But then i heard Mikes boots on the stairs, so i had to calm down. He came in, slammed the door, went in the kitchen then into the bedroom. I was trying to breath, but he thought i was crying, so he came over and told me to stop acting like a small child, grow up and go in the bedroom. He's the man, he gets the couch. I was trying to explain, the words wouldn't come. ((Try to talk when you can't breath; you'll understand))
That couch was my grandfather's. MY GRANDFATHER, and i was grandpa's girl. i slept on that couch when i was a child, and i was the only grandchild allowed to. Its special to me, and i knew it would help calm me down. But he kept insulting me, so i got up and came in the bedroom. He grabbed me on the bed in a semi bear hug and told me i am too much of a child. i told him i wasn't strong enough to be his girlfriend and want out. He squeezed me until he fell asleep. Its now 4AM and i must sleep.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Guess he was right.
When i told my friends i was moving in with Mike, regardless of what has happened in the past, most of them were supportive. Or possibly indifferent. But Matt sent me a text that i will keep, saying, in part: "I think your wrapped up in his game, and really like the thought of being loved, but he doesn't love you and he will continue to hurt and ruin you, please stop what you are doing".
That hurt. And yet, since that day, i cannot get the thought out of my head that he may be right. Am i seriously THAT pathetic that i will let this guy use and take advantage of me. And i was so beyond pissed at Matt, that i vowed never to speak to him again. Which lasted about 3 weeks. But everytime i'm away from Mike, i miss him. I've dated other guys, even while with Mike, and i feel guilty; like its cheating. I've broken it off with Steve, though he's trying to tell me the same thing. Mike only wants me cause he's pathetically desperate too. (Well, there's one thing we have in common, huh?) And i try to push the thought from my head that our first month together was full of "I asked her out, and her, and her, and her, etc." And each time these women come into the bar, he's overly lovey-dovey. He's sweet when we're alone, so i know it's not a total fake, but i can tell when he's putting on a show. I've started noticing certain woman, and can pre-empt something happening. I no longer dress up to go to the bar, or just not go altogether.
We haven't gone for the past week, as we just moved into our new home. But yesterday was his payday, and he bought a new hat, came and surprised me at work, and he went. Yes, my boy dresses to impress. When i got off work, i went over. I got out of the car to hear the karoke DJ's fianc'e saying she wasn't ready to marry him because he holds onto the past so much. He still hangs outs with and talks to/about his ex girlfriends. Like a slap in the face, it hit me. I know Mike spent 20 years with Lena, good or bad. He loves her because she gave him 3 beautiful children; something i know i can never do. And i have accepted that they still talk because they have children. But everytime she calls, Mike rolls his eyes and hands the phone to Nathan. And then makes sure that i know every word that was said later on. She's mad because when Mike brings the kids over, he doesn't stay with her anymore. (duh) Or because Mike and Nathan brought a new girl to her daughter's graduation. I've heard these fights and many more between the 3 of them, and it warms my heart that Mike AND Nathan take my side. Thats love, right?
Last night Mike's manager showed up at the bar. He hugged me like we were old friends, and he and Mike struck up conversation. Under the table, this guy puts his hand on my leg! Mike is so beyond drunk, he doesn't notice i'm scooting away, to the point i'm just about at the other table. And each time i moved, so did his manager. i slapped his hand away, and got off the stool to stand. And he grabbed my butt. I had enough. I told Mike was leaving, see you at home, and he said "Warm up that button for me" And proceeded to tell his manager all about my... anatomy! Wtf! I went to the bathroom to calm down, and came out in time to see Mike point to one of the women there, that he had asked out numerous times, and tell manager-boy that she was his first love. Following his finger, he was pointing to Kris, the bartender. I had enough. I turned and left. What do you know, Maybe Matt was right.
That hurt. And yet, since that day, i cannot get the thought out of my head that he may be right. Am i seriously THAT pathetic that i will let this guy use and take advantage of me. And i was so beyond pissed at Matt, that i vowed never to speak to him again. Which lasted about 3 weeks. But everytime i'm away from Mike, i miss him. I've dated other guys, even while with Mike, and i feel guilty; like its cheating. I've broken it off with Steve, though he's trying to tell me the same thing. Mike only wants me cause he's pathetically desperate too. (Well, there's one thing we have in common, huh?) And i try to push the thought from my head that our first month together was full of "I asked her out, and her, and her, and her, etc." And each time these women come into the bar, he's overly lovey-dovey. He's sweet when we're alone, so i know it's not a total fake, but i can tell when he's putting on a show. I've started noticing certain woman, and can pre-empt something happening. I no longer dress up to go to the bar, or just not go altogether.
We haven't gone for the past week, as we just moved into our new home. But yesterday was his payday, and he bought a new hat, came and surprised me at work, and he went. Yes, my boy dresses to impress. When i got off work, i went over. I got out of the car to hear the karoke DJ's fianc'e saying she wasn't ready to marry him because he holds onto the past so much. He still hangs outs with and talks to/about his ex girlfriends. Like a slap in the face, it hit me. I know Mike spent 20 years with Lena, good or bad. He loves her because she gave him 3 beautiful children; something i know i can never do. And i have accepted that they still talk because they have children. But everytime she calls, Mike rolls his eyes and hands the phone to Nathan. And then makes sure that i know every word that was said later on. She's mad because when Mike brings the kids over, he doesn't stay with her anymore. (duh) Or because Mike and Nathan brought a new girl to her daughter's graduation. I've heard these fights and many more between the 3 of them, and it warms my heart that Mike AND Nathan take my side. Thats love, right?
Last night Mike's manager showed up at the bar. He hugged me like we were old friends, and he and Mike struck up conversation. Under the table, this guy puts his hand on my leg! Mike is so beyond drunk, he doesn't notice i'm scooting away, to the point i'm just about at the other table. And each time i moved, so did his manager. i slapped his hand away, and got off the stool to stand. And he grabbed my butt. I had enough. I told Mike was leaving, see you at home, and he said "Warm up that button for me" And proceeded to tell his manager all about my... anatomy! Wtf! I went to the bathroom to calm down, and came out in time to see Mike point to one of the women there, that he had asked out numerous times, and tell manager-boy that she was his first love. Following his finger, he was pointing to Kris, the bartender. I had enough. I turned and left. What do you know, Maybe Matt was right.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Maybe they're right
i have no one to turn to. I live in a tent, on my mother's front lawn. The tent has a broken zipper, so we have no front door. For the first time in 2 months, it is raining, which is how we found out the tent in NOT waterproof. Our tarp is covering our mattress, which is leaned against the house getting wet regardless. We, our? Yes, i'm moving in with Mike. You're asking yourself why, with two incomes, (3, really) are we living in a tent? By the end of this letter, you will be saying Why is she staying with him?? But i jump ahead of myself.
July 1, i paid Mike 250.00 for rent early because he had to pick up his children. 10 minutes later, his sister called wanting to borrow money. To each his own, my rent was paid. I trusted Mike to pay the homeowner's fees. We had talked deriously about moving out, but made no serious effort to do so. We needed a 2 bedroom at least, so mikes son can have his own room. And then the kids came... And wanted to stay. And i was ready to leave. I can do a 1 bedroom easily. But i couldn't live with myself for ditching Mike, so i stuck it out. 3 weeks later, on the hottest day of July (In TEN YEARS, no less), the idiot we sublet from came into my work. To tell me they had turned off our power. He was drunk enough to believe the circuit had shorted our due to the air conditioner; but had this inkling. I texted Mike, who chose then to inform me that he had, in fact, NOT paid, because we were saving up to move. Oh, okay. Well, now what? Send the kids to his mom's, and we'll play camping for a few weeks and look for an apartment. Yeah, just what i want to do- live in a dark apartment with no hot water, 2 alcoholics and a dog. So i started looking for an affordable 2 bedroom apartment. I can tough it out for a few days, right? This is the scenario that brought Mike and i together. They HOA turned off our electricity a few days after i moved in, because Sean hadn't paid dues in a year. Mike made arraingments and the power was restored. While i was apartment hunting, Sean had called the elecetric company to find out how much Mike owed. Mike didn't owe cause i had just paid the bill. Which left Sean knowing why the power was cut off. Which made him mad. An alcoholic with a proven temper is bad enough. But add a valid reason to be mad? Shit. We packed up and came to my mom's that very night.
We spent the first night on the floor of the den, but only because the cousin supposed to be living in that room was off trying to find a girlfriend she could mooch off of. The next day i asked my brother if i could borrow his tent. He said yes, and here we are. During all this, Mike and i continue to work, and the extra 15 miles round trip from lake tapps to auburn is bleeding our gas tanks. I apply to a few apartments, get approved and then get bumped from bottom floor to top. No top floor. Next? We find a nice little place in Auburn, it's damn near perfect, except 2 things. Because of an incident in MY past, they want a 1350 dollar damage deposit. Yikes! This is before rent. I put my last 500 down, to hold the apartment, and i vow to live on bread and water for the next 2 weeks.
I ignore anybody that talks shit about Mike, i know wy we're in this situation. I work hard, to prove to my boss i'm reliable, dependable, i can do anything! I'm praying they dont cut my hours. I will put the entire paycheck towards the deposit, and live one more week on bread and water... The rest of the deposit will be taken care of on the 1st, and mike will pay rent. Right? After car payment and insurance, i'll be broke, again. When i say broke, i dont mean i have a little money. I mean i have pennies in my account just in case i need to pull out emergency cash. Yes, it will throw me into overdraft, but it MIGHT have to be done. Careful planning should avoid this.
Back to Sherwood Gardens... 2 pools, sauna, on-site laundry, tons of parking, our apartment was so far from the office that they would never know there was 3 of us. So what was the 2nd thing wrong? As they say in the movies, "Location, location, location." This complex was right across the street from the Muckleshoot Casino. I kept telling myself that while Mike has a severe gambling problem, he would never lose rent money to a casino. I push the fact that our July rent (our? hmmm...) probably went to a casino out of my head. This was all okay, i could handle the stress bit by bit, until it started to rain. We need the rain, and it hasn't rained in almost 2 months. People's lawns were turning ugly colors. Mike had yesterday off, and was suppsoed to spend it with Nathan. Apparently 4 hours was enough, cause he was back at my work by 6. I took my break, and went out to his truck. He had plans to go out drinking, and would see me at the bar when i got off. At 11. How can he drink when we have no money?
He tells me he has money, he's saving up for rent. He wont drink to much, he says. I ask him not to drive, because it had started to rain, which makes the road slippery. I can't emotionally afford a car accident, and financially we'd be really screwed if he gets pulled over or worse. He snapped back to stop worrying, he's a big boy. He's 47 and can take care of himself. (Yeah? PROVE IT. But i shut up.) I was hurt and pissed. I got out of his truck without a kiss and walked into work without turning around. 20 steps later, i was crying as i walked in the front door. Who can i talk to? Who will tell me it will be okay, and we will get thru this? Meghan and Angela will both tell me the truth, which i already know. Then i would take out my hurt from Mike on them, and lose friends and create drama at work. So i keep it inside. It rains harder as the night goes on. I start to develop a headache. I rarely get headaches, so i assume this will pass. just the rain pushing the allergins out of the air, right? I go to work, closing with the store manager in the first time for 4 months. This manager we HAVE to impress. You dont impress her, you get your hours cut drastically. And i really dont want that right now. I'm running around stocking, facing, dusting, and nursing a headache. 9PM rolls around, and my head hurts with every move i make. I now know it's stress, because i took medication at lunch and it didn't go away. Plus, Mike showed up about 15 minutes later, just to tell me he's okay, and i swear i felt it go away. When he left it started up again, worse than before. I knew he would drink more, but after drinking for 3 hours, he was still pretty sober. We got out of work at 10:45 and i texted him. He was at the store; i'll see you at home. Nice! I was actually happy to go home, and relax a little. Watch a movie and nurse this damn headache.
I got home, but couldn't even get out of the car. I HATE being here. I hate the fact that i live in a tent because there's no room in the inn. I hate the fact that my mother would give up her own room if i could truthfully say i was pregnant. But i digress. When i see Mike's headlights in the driveway, only then do i open my car door. i walk over to his car to say hello and he looks like hell. In fact, he looks like i feel. What happened?! He says he feels like shit. "Why honey? Are you sick?""i spent too much money today; money we dont have."
In the back of my head i KNEW what was coming and i fought the urge to run for my razor. (talk about regression, sheesh.) I wanted to believe he spent money drinking, with Nathan, on his mom, ANYTHING!!! No... he lost over 100 dollars. To the casino. And my cute little apartment with 2 pools, sauna, and lots of parking? Right out the window. I can't afford it financially, and mentally i would never stop stressing. Not IF he was there, but HOW LONG he was there. Not that that makes a difference; i've seen him play 3 hours on 20 dollars and lose 50 in the next 2 minutes. I didn't say a word about it. He looked sorry, said he felt like shit, whats the point? Why cause drama? We go to bed.
All night, tossing and turning, nightmares racing thru my head. Everytime i wake up, there is a new puddle on the floor. Because my laptop serves as light, and entertainment we have an extension cord from the house to the tent. In the dark i mentally picture myself stepping into a puddle of water on top of the elecrtic cord. Much as i love lightning, i dont want to be electrocuted. Again. And i dont want my laptop wet, so i unplug and hide it under my pillow. 3AM...4AM... sleep wont come. Naps, yes. With nightmares. I only have nightmares when i'm at the top of my stress point, so i know i'm in trouble. At 6AM a splash of water hits my forehead and i jolt out of bed; wide awake. I run thru who i can talk to about this; Matt's already mad cause i can't afford to come to Tacoma, John wont speak to me because i wont have sex with him. Steve will just offer to kick Mike's ass, Meghan the same. Julie and Angela will say pack up and leave his ass, and anybody in the house would say the same. Even if i HAD a therapist i wouldn't call her because she would say the same damn thing. So now you know my situation, up to the minute. Was i right? Are you asking yourself why i'm stupid enough to stay with him? Because i will spent the rest of my natural life wondering if he's okay. His kids, his mom, him. Are they okay? I know because i still do this about my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. This is me, and i know myself.
July 1, i paid Mike 250.00 for rent early because he had to pick up his children. 10 minutes later, his sister called wanting to borrow money. To each his own, my rent was paid. I trusted Mike to pay the homeowner's fees. We had talked deriously about moving out, but made no serious effort to do so. We needed a 2 bedroom at least, so mikes son can have his own room. And then the kids came... And wanted to stay. And i was ready to leave. I can do a 1 bedroom easily. But i couldn't live with myself for ditching Mike, so i stuck it out. 3 weeks later, on the hottest day of July (In TEN YEARS, no less), the idiot we sublet from came into my work. To tell me they had turned off our power. He was drunk enough to believe the circuit had shorted our due to the air conditioner; but had this inkling. I texted Mike, who chose then to inform me that he had, in fact, NOT paid, because we were saving up to move. Oh, okay. Well, now what? Send the kids to his mom's, and we'll play camping for a few weeks and look for an apartment. Yeah, just what i want to do- live in a dark apartment with no hot water, 2 alcoholics and a dog. So i started looking for an affordable 2 bedroom apartment. I can tough it out for a few days, right? This is the scenario that brought Mike and i together. They HOA turned off our electricity a few days after i moved in, because Sean hadn't paid dues in a year. Mike made arraingments and the power was restored. While i was apartment hunting, Sean had called the elecetric company to find out how much Mike owed. Mike didn't owe cause i had just paid the bill. Which left Sean knowing why the power was cut off. Which made him mad. An alcoholic with a proven temper is bad enough. But add a valid reason to be mad? Shit. We packed up and came to my mom's that very night.
We spent the first night on the floor of the den, but only because the cousin supposed to be living in that room was off trying to find a girlfriend she could mooch off of. The next day i asked my brother if i could borrow his tent. He said yes, and here we are. During all this, Mike and i continue to work, and the extra 15 miles round trip from lake tapps to auburn is bleeding our gas tanks. I apply to a few apartments, get approved and then get bumped from bottom floor to top. No top floor. Next? We find a nice little place in Auburn, it's damn near perfect, except 2 things. Because of an incident in MY past, they want a 1350 dollar damage deposit. Yikes! This is before rent. I put my last 500 down, to hold the apartment, and i vow to live on bread and water for the next 2 weeks.
I ignore anybody that talks shit about Mike, i know wy we're in this situation. I work hard, to prove to my boss i'm reliable, dependable, i can do anything! I'm praying they dont cut my hours. I will put the entire paycheck towards the deposit, and live one more week on bread and water... The rest of the deposit will be taken care of on the 1st, and mike will pay rent. Right? After car payment and insurance, i'll be broke, again. When i say broke, i dont mean i have a little money. I mean i have pennies in my account just in case i need to pull out emergency cash. Yes, it will throw me into overdraft, but it MIGHT have to be done. Careful planning should avoid this.
Back to Sherwood Gardens... 2 pools, sauna, on-site laundry, tons of parking, our apartment was so far from the office that they would never know there was 3 of us. So what was the 2nd thing wrong? As they say in the movies, "Location, location, location." This complex was right across the street from the Muckleshoot Casino. I kept telling myself that while Mike has a severe gambling problem, he would never lose rent money to a casino. I push the fact that our July rent (our? hmmm...) probably went to a casino out of my head. This was all okay, i could handle the stress bit by bit, until it started to rain. We need the rain, and it hasn't rained in almost 2 months. People's lawns were turning ugly colors. Mike had yesterday off, and was suppsoed to spend it with Nathan. Apparently 4 hours was enough, cause he was back at my work by 6. I took my break, and went out to his truck. He had plans to go out drinking, and would see me at the bar when i got off. At 11. How can he drink when we have no money?
He tells me he has money, he's saving up for rent. He wont drink to much, he says. I ask him not to drive, because it had started to rain, which makes the road slippery. I can't emotionally afford a car accident, and financially we'd be really screwed if he gets pulled over or worse. He snapped back to stop worrying, he's a big boy. He's 47 and can take care of himself. (Yeah? PROVE IT. But i shut up.) I was hurt and pissed. I got out of his truck without a kiss and walked into work without turning around. 20 steps later, i was crying as i walked in the front door. Who can i talk to? Who will tell me it will be okay, and we will get thru this? Meghan and Angela will both tell me the truth, which i already know. Then i would take out my hurt from Mike on them, and lose friends and create drama at work. So i keep it inside. It rains harder as the night goes on. I start to develop a headache. I rarely get headaches, so i assume this will pass. just the rain pushing the allergins out of the air, right? I go to work, closing with the store manager in the first time for 4 months. This manager we HAVE to impress. You dont impress her, you get your hours cut drastically. And i really dont want that right now. I'm running around stocking, facing, dusting, and nursing a headache. 9PM rolls around, and my head hurts with every move i make. I now know it's stress, because i took medication at lunch and it didn't go away. Plus, Mike showed up about 15 minutes later, just to tell me he's okay, and i swear i felt it go away. When he left it started up again, worse than before. I knew he would drink more, but after drinking for 3 hours, he was still pretty sober. We got out of work at 10:45 and i texted him. He was at the store; i'll see you at home. Nice! I was actually happy to go home, and relax a little. Watch a movie and nurse this damn headache.
I got home, but couldn't even get out of the car. I HATE being here. I hate the fact that i live in a tent because there's no room in the inn. I hate the fact that my mother would give up her own room if i could truthfully say i was pregnant. But i digress. When i see Mike's headlights in the driveway, only then do i open my car door. i walk over to his car to say hello and he looks like hell. In fact, he looks like i feel. What happened?! He says he feels like shit. "Why honey? Are you sick?""i spent too much money today; money we dont have."
In the back of my head i KNEW what was coming and i fought the urge to run for my razor. (talk about regression, sheesh.) I wanted to believe he spent money drinking, with Nathan, on his mom, ANYTHING!!! No... he lost over 100 dollars. To the casino. And my cute little apartment with 2 pools, sauna, and lots of parking? Right out the window. I can't afford it financially, and mentally i would never stop stressing. Not IF he was there, but HOW LONG he was there. Not that that makes a difference; i've seen him play 3 hours on 20 dollars and lose 50 in the next 2 minutes. I didn't say a word about it. He looked sorry, said he felt like shit, whats the point? Why cause drama? We go to bed.
All night, tossing and turning, nightmares racing thru my head. Everytime i wake up, there is a new puddle on the floor. Because my laptop serves as light, and entertainment we have an extension cord from the house to the tent. In the dark i mentally picture myself stepping into a puddle of water on top of the elecrtic cord. Much as i love lightning, i dont want to be electrocuted. Again. And i dont want my laptop wet, so i unplug and hide it under my pillow. 3AM...4AM... sleep wont come. Naps, yes. With nightmares. I only have nightmares when i'm at the top of my stress point, so i know i'm in trouble. At 6AM a splash of water hits my forehead and i jolt out of bed; wide awake. I run thru who i can talk to about this; Matt's already mad cause i can't afford to come to Tacoma, John wont speak to me because i wont have sex with him. Steve will just offer to kick Mike's ass, Meghan the same. Julie and Angela will say pack up and leave his ass, and anybody in the house would say the same. Even if i HAD a therapist i wouldn't call her because she would say the same damn thing. So now you know my situation, up to the minute. Was i right? Are you asking yourself why i'm stupid enough to stay with him? Because i will spent the rest of my natural life wondering if he's okay. His kids, his mom, him. Are they okay? I know because i still do this about my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. This is me, and i know myself.
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