Am i strong enough?

I told my friend some of what happened last night, and he posed the question "Are you strong enough to stick it out?" Well, here's the full story... you tell me.

I started work at 4. i LOVE my job, i work in a photo lab. Yesterday being 75+ degrees outside, i got to stock the cooler. Not all in all a bad day. Until about 7pm, when the manager told me to shut down photo. An hour early... not a bad thing. Just odd. Once photo was shut down, i was running all over the store. Sweeping, mopping, re-shelving, standing on tip-toes, squatting, etc. My feet HURT. But i knew i got off at 11, i'd go home and rest, i'd be okay. 11:00pm... still stocking. There are 4 of us, this should go faster. 11:15... facing items, making the store look nice. 11:30... counting and signiing cash counts. 11:45... finally we can go. The other 2 girls and I are dragging our feet. Poor Nikki went running before work, then got stuck with an 11 hour shift! I felt sooo bad.

I get in my car just in time for my phone to ring. Its Mike. He's probably worried about me, i'm late. When i answer all i hear is LOUD LOUD music and some girl going "We miss you!" I hang up. I know he's at the bar, and i DO DO DO NOT want to go. I head home. As i pull in the parking lot, i get a text. "If you dont get here now i will drive home and get you." This is not a physical threat, he knows i hate to even think of him driving drunk. I call him and tell him im in my uniform. He makes some sexual remarks and hangs up. Well, maybe me in uniform will get him out that much quicker. I head to the Performance. I pull up, pop my trunk to get my wallet and see a shirt. I take off my work vest and throw on the shirt; im halfway decent now. Start walking to the bar and my feets are SCREAMING. One foot in front of the other... ill put my feet up inside. All of a sudden "PUT YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!" And im tackled against a pillar. Mike. Brilliant move, considering i had a panic attack last week. Lets test this heart, shall we, dumbass? He's laughing, smiling, helps me to my feet. Here comes his friend... i cant remember her name. Usually he calls her the-fat-one-you-know-Georges-girlfriend? What a name, huh? But he's hanging on her, KISSING HER!!! Its her birthday. (that makes it okay???) She's the karaoke hosts girlfriend. (THAT makes it okay???) Im seeing red.

Make it inside, the bartender knows me. This is sad, really. But she already has my water ready. What a gal. We make it to the table, and mike starts dancing. I relax, loosen up a bit, put my feet up. About an hour later, he's well past soused, and wants to go gamble. I cant keep my eyes open, so i tell him im going home. Fine, he'll drive. So he walks outside. I start to go after him; my feet dont cooperate. I have to lean against the wall, which makes a few people ask if im okay. This slows me down, too. By the time i get to my car, Mike is gone. I get in my car and debate going home or the casino... I throw my radio into high volume and head to the Ironhorse. He's standing outside, cause he knows me and knows i wont let him drive drunk again. We go inside and he uses the restroom. I sit down at the table and put my head down. Headache, feetache, angry, and tired. Not the best combo. I try to relax. Few minutes later, Mike touches the back of my neck with his ice cold drink. I jump, and he's lucky i didnt spill it on me. I would have killed him. We sit at the table for a few while he moans about his life. Then he has another drink. Then we hit the blackjack tables. Starts off with 20 dollars, as usual. An hour later, he's up 60. And still drinking. And getting louder. I go off and sit by the wall so i can rest my head. I guess its against the rules to actually put your head down on the table- they'll think you're drunk and ask you to leave. So i just sat there, watching. An hour (and 3 more double rum on the rocks) later, its last call. This means we're gonna leave. He calls me over to hold his place so he can use the bathroom. I count, he's up 135.00! Not too bad. He comes back and i tell him i am gonna sit in my car. He'll be out in a minute, i know. I got to my car at 2:05, he was up 150 dollars. When he knocked on my window at 2:30 to tell me he lost it all i thought he was kidding. But he started kicking my car, so i knew he was serious. I told him to get in, lets go home. He starts screaming at me- he brought his car, he'll drive, just go home. You know what? Fuck it- i did. I left him standing in the parking lot. He made it home 20 mins later.

I made the bed as hes crawling around moaning about he lost his baby's money. He's sick and his life sucks. He cant live if i leave him. He cant breathe. he's sick. I stay quiet. He crawls in bed, and twists into a little ball before rolling out of bed and crawling for the bathroom. I hate to hear him sick, but he says his body is full of poison and he has to get it out. He blames his grandfather and his father. He blames me for not stopping him then cries cause he thinks i;ll leave him. he blames the government for making alcohol legal. He blames... and passes out.

So... Do i ? Do i have the strength the stick this out??

Panic attack. Big time.

Mike and i had plans to go out, because we got the night off together, which is rare. We hit Charlies in Kent first, because they have more songs and less singers, and Mike dedicated his first song to me. "After the lovin" By E. H. I cannot spell that artists name, so i'll give you initials. After my carafe of water, and his 2 drinks were gone, it was time to head to the regular hangout, the Performance. He's pretty much mellow, and all hands as we leave. I'm driving, duh, and he will not leave his hands to himself. I've told him i hate this! I have to concentrate on driving, not baby-sitting. So by the time we get to the Performance, i'm heated. He's dancing, happy, so i try to calm down. After all, its just him and i in the car, we made it just fine; nobody got hurt.

New friends and misunderstandings

What a day. Started off okay- let my friend borrow my car, he said i'd have it back by Saturday; he was having the oil changed and checking the brakes. Hell of a deal, right? Well, Mike and his brother, a mechanic, along with my family all told me that i should have had it back days earlier. What happens between my friend and i STAYS THERE. So these people didn't know all the details and i'm not telling you either. But i did confide in one person, and told her of my fears. What if he... What if something... She handed me teh phone and said "Call". So i did. And the mechanic i talked to couldn't find my car in the system. I thanked him and hung up. I was kinda seeing red, but thought maybe my friend put it in under his name, perhaps? So i drove up there. I had borrowed my father's truck, which was the reason they were pushing me to get my car back...more on that in a minute.

I drove up to the shop, looking carefully around and not seeing my car or my friend. I had assumed he was driving my car, even though he told me it was staying in the shop overnight. And when i saw neither him nor the car? I was livid. I went into the shop and asked him to please run my VIN and see when the car was in last. His answer? December. (Thats when i bought the car.) I thanked him and left. Got in my dad's truck and hauled ass back to my parents. About half way there, my friend called and i unloaded. i told him i called and showed up and nobody knows where my car if. I dont need my brakes or oil changed, just give me back my car. I really dont think ive ever been that mad/hurt at this guy before. He explained it was being done as a favor, so its not on the books. Everything he said made sense but still sounded like BS. i was MAD. To make a long story short, my car WAS in the garage, under an employee name, not in the computer, and i got my brakes checked and my oil changed. I felt like a heal for the rest of the afternoon.

That is until a friend i haven't seen for over a month just showed up at my work. The last time we spoke, he got mad at me because i wouldn't have sex with him. I refused to leave my friend (The same one that borrowed my car, believe it or not) and drop everything to come have sex with him. I told him he makes me feel like a whore, and he sent me an email with one word. "Bye". I never thought i'd see him again. Yesterday he came into my work... he's happy and healthy, so i'm glad for him.

Mike picked me up from work cause WE had a misunderstanding as well. While i was at work, he stopped by and was talking about his ex. He does this. Alot. Then he asks if he can borrow my car because she is having a birthday party. I handed him the keys without even thinking, and he kissed me and walked out. About 5 minutes later it hit me and i tried calling his phone. No answer. So i sent him a text. No answer. My anger is really building at this point, so i called Matt. Poor guy. First i dump on him for my car, then i dump on him for Mike's BS. But, being Matt, he listened and calmed me down and i went back to work. Where i ran into Mike. He came back!? He looked hurt, and asked me why i thought he would go to a party without me. I said that thats what i thought i heard. I didnt mind, he's stayed friends with his ex's, and he's honest about it, so i have nothing to worry about about. But why MY car? He drives a toyota he bought FOR HER- drive that! I had a feeling he wanted her to see what his current girl does for him. (He thinks i'm rich, cause i can handle money responsibly.) No... WE are going to her party at the end of june. She was 86'ed from the bar last year, but she's sure that they have forgotten. (She poured a pitcher of beer over Mike's head, and he's one of their favorite people. Trust me they have NOT forgotten.) Mike explained this, and went out to play pool. I calmed down. Again.

I got off work and walked to the bar as agreed. We left there and went to this lettle bar that his brother used to own. I walked in and ran into Kevin and Allen, the "bodyguards" that protected me from Mike the first night we met. I was half expecting to see Matt, but i guess they dont talk anymore. Sad. I have passed Allen a few times, but haven't seen Kevin in a few months, so we were talking and hugging and laughing. And mike was drinking... and drinking... and drinking. i tried to pull him into the conversation, but he was just sitting back and listening. He never let go of my hand, which i loved. Yes, he's possessive, and yes, i like it. Nuff said. We slowed danced a little, and Mike went up to pick a song for karaoke. Kev and i talked a bit more, he's working, having fun, etc. Then he and Allen were called for karaoke, and Mike was suposed to be next. He wasn't. 4 singers later he was mad and ready to leave. We stood up to leave and they called his name. He went up to sing and i sat a little closer so i can see him. He always sings so beautifully. And then the music started... "My girl" by The Temptations. This is the song he sang to me on our first official date. And i started to tear up. But the part that made me cry? "I Guess, you say, What can make me feel this way?" The lyrics are "My Girl" He sang "Melissa." I started crying which made the few people around me smile a little. He finished and we came home. What a day, what a day. =)

Good night All!

The truth

If i had to admit the truth to anyone, it would have to be to myself first. I know why i was in the bar that night, i know why i was flattered that Mike hit on me, and i know why i gave him my voicemail number instead of my work number. I know why i didn't call him back right away, i know why i kept standing him up, and i know why i finally met him for coffee.

I dont know why i returned his call, finally. I dont know why i kept calling him. I don't know why i didn't correct him the first time he called me his girlfriend.

I am ashamed that i called him "that night." I am ashamed that i let him think i was ready for a relationship. I am ashamed that i cannot give him the one thing he truly wants, and i lie to him to make him happy.

I hate that i cannot let go of my feelings, and therefore cannot give the love he deserves. I hate that i still put my heart ahead of my head, and that Mike continuously must put up with the shit that enters my life. I hate that he is so patient and understanding, because he has been there, he has done that, and he knows there will be a positive outcome.

I love the fact that he smiles thru my weirdness. I love that fact that he taught me what unconditional love actually is. I love the fact that he sings songs to make me smile. I love the fact that he trusts me with his heart, his son, and his life.

I'm afraid that i will lose him over my friend. I'm afraid i'll lose my friend over him. I'm afraid one or the other will find out the real truth and i'll lose them both for childish pettiness. I'm afraid the feelings i have for someone else are/will prevent me from fully loving Mike. And I'm afraid to hurt either one.