"i have the best girlfriend"

 Thas what he tells others, when hes so drunk he cant even pee on his own. But heres what happened...

He went to work then to the bar, as usual. Came home about 5:30  in a good mood so no problems. A 7, he left. No good-bye, no blowing fake kisses, nada. I know what i know so i know he was at the Rainbow cafe, the newest place to buy crack. About 8 i ran my program, and he was on I5, almost to the main crackbar in Tacoma called Golden West Saloon. Heres where the night got bad. He called me 2 minutes later. Now, i know his tabs are expired and ive been praying for him to get pulled over with alcohol on his breath, cause that class and the breathalyzer will fun him about 2k and money is the only way to get thru to him. Well, it wasnt WA state patrol. It was his transmission. It's been slipping for weeks and he mentioned it to the mechanic across the street, which is the end of it. So hes stuck on the side of I5 with a blown clutch and no idea what to do. Can i start calling tow trucks? Um, no. I dont know where you are (yes i do but this is HIS responsibility) and the driver is going to want your number and info from you. I will however help you find a tow company. number 1 didnt answer...number 2 is busy will be a few hours...number 3 only has 2 trucks be patient... 

Im kind of getting scared because i can hear the cars and hes so drunk hes talking about getting out of his truck to pee. i can hear the cars flying past and pictures of Georges car accident are flashing thru my head. I dont want to call his mom over this; dear God just get him home this 1 more time. He's talking, mostly about how he knew his clutch was going out (Then WHY GO TO TACOMA???) and how much he has to pee, im not talking cause it doesnt matter hes not listening. Then he gets a phone call- from a tow driver just up the street!! The driver will be there in less than 10 minutes, please have drivers licesnse, registration and credit card ready. 

The guy shows up and Mike put the phone in his pocket so i can listen while he fills out paperwork. The guy asks for current registration, which mike doesnt have because his tabs are renewed, But he swears they gave him tabs when he bought the truck! Yes...18 months ago. He explaining to the tow driver that he doesnt have tabs but he has 4 credit cards and lots of 100 dollar bills at home,  so thats okay.  (WTF Moron??) He hands the phone to the tow-man so i can explain things sober and immediatly i know this guys Muslim. Its like a radar i have. I explain that Mike doesn't have tabs but i have the bill of sale and i have the letter telling him to buy tabs, and he says if its from WA state send it and he'll call dispatch. I do, he does, Mike sneaks a pee, all is good.

Mike puts the phone back in the pocket and cant shut up. Over and over telling this guy how awesome i am, how much he loves me, i changed his life... words any girls would love to hear...SOBER.  Finally i hang up and wait for him to get home. He gives Assad a 200 dollar tip, which was awesome but i'll hear about that like he saved a dying man from the desert, but hes home. He hugs me and kisses me and i can taste the alcohol so thats the end of that.  

He goes in the kitchen to cook, i go in my room, and... he came in my room and grabbed my bottle. i had 3 shots out of that, and even though hes still drunk, he still drinks, Tries to kiss me and i turn my head, fake a cough... i hate alcohol so much. 

Assuming Consequences

 Whats my on mind, Facebook asks...Heavy thoughts but here we go.

I found out Wednesday that my car battery was dead, and when i called my mom to tell her, i assumed Mike heard and would help. And he didnt. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and i take rejection suuuuuper hard. 

On Thursday, mixed signals had my bro come down but no charger. I asked Mike where his was, assuming (dontcha love that word?) he would catch my hints and HELP ME. But no. 

Now, on almost just about every car problem i've had, my brother has both come to the rescue and showed me what's wrong. He's a great teacher. But unless one of us had a potato or lemon, we weren't getting any juice to my car battery- so i bought this awesome battery jumper and he came down and showed me how it works. Again, i assumed (🤦‍♀️) that when i showed Mike the battery jumper, HE would HELP ME. But no.  But...

If you know me IRL, you know how much it hurts to walk, and walking down my stairs is a burning pain. I cannot express my surprise when i got to the bottom of the stairs and Mike was behind me, to make sure i didnt fall. After bro left, Mike and I sat in the car and he told me he was HURT that i never asked him for help, and he would have helped me on Wednesday IF HE KNEW I NEEDED HIM.   I had assumed so much, all negative. He assumed i didnt want his help because i didnt ask him straight out.  Oh that word...  

We might not have a "definable relationship", but we are roommates and friends, and now you're all up to speed on my battery, my hero of a brother, and my reason to stop assuming. 

Never again

 So ive been writing about Mikes gut, his lungs, liver, stomach ulcers and how i have been worried about him. Well, Screw that. Ive been telling him that i am sorry hes sick but also i have enjoyed our time together. He did his grunt sound that he always does and put his feet in my lap for a foot rub. Cant win em all, right? Yeah... So yesterday, Monday, he didnt come home from the bar until 11pm. If your keeping track, like i have to, that is over 8 hours. But when he did come home, he had crack. 6 months off seems to be his record, and i know it's NOT my fault, but this hit me hard. I have been his nurse, shadow, bff, yada-yada-yada for 6 weeks now, and as i start my withdrawals from lithium (I'll catch you up on that in a few days) just as I NEED HIM, he goes back on the pipe. Oh the smell...like burning metal, its so nasty and i hate that i know it. I hate that i not only fell for him but let him know i was enjoying his company. i hate that i was so so happy without alcohol in the house and now i know everything will go back to what it was but im smarter now. I dont have the lithium to blind me, to make me think all will be okay, i know better than to think this man will ever be more than just a mistake in my rear view window of life, because i deserve so much better than an alcoholic crackhead that worships money. I give damn good foot rubs, many people have said so- i can make people happy without illegal chemicals stinking up my personal space! But most of all, between the detoxing from lithium and him back on the pipe...i have nobody.   

No- i have my mom, who thinks she's sneaking something past me when she sneaks vodka while i visit her. ANd then wonders why i dont visit for months at a time. I have Mikes mom, Sharon- shes a great listener but i dont want to call and seem like im tattling. She's HIS mom, even though she's been thru this with 2 husbands and she knows what im talking about, it's always gonna feel like tattling, and i cant do that. I have my church family, but it's difficult to keep coming to them with negative. If Pastor knew the thoughts running thru my head, he'd either baptize me again or exorcise me, not sure which. Thats scary and its only going to get worse. What i mean by i have nobody? Last night im laying here smelling the stink of crack, so i lit my incense, and i realize i want a hug. I want human contact. I want someone that will let me put my head on their shoulders and feel calm and then i can cry and then the nasty thoughts might leave.  I'm sad over Mike??? WTF child? Everytime i try to put my head on his shoulder, he pushes it down like im gonna perform oral sex on him. Why?? Try foreplay- try a hug - try TALKING to me. but in my deepest moments of patheticness i go back like some weird dog that knows if i keep doing his bidding, he'll throw me a smile or a kind word. And now i dont want it. Fucking crackhead. 

Diabetes but not diabetes

 Okay... i still love my Dr, and his med student rocks.. That said, my pancreas is failing. He's not calling it diabetes because blood work is spot on, but "we" are treating it like diabetes, i.e. diet, exercise, new medication, etc. Weight is down since beginning of August, and i'm upping my water from 6ltr to 8 ltr/daily. Sheesh, I really AM a fish!

I wont lie, i was really afraid as i was hearing this, but I have a great support team (you!) and my church family is with me along with Mike's family. I go back in 30 days, so if you see me with anything but water in my hands...SLAP ME! Thank you for being here for me.

Comcast Asshole

 I have packages being delivered from Amazon all the time so when I heard the beep beep beep of a truck backing up and then I knock on the door I didn't think twice. I should have! It was Comcast and the installer was at the wrong address. I showed him across the street where he needed to be and he said thank you and then told me I was pretty and stroked my cheek and then grabbed my breast. Does this ever really work? Like I'm just going to have sex with you right then and there? I slammed the door and came back to my room holding my breath until I heard the truck leave what do I do now??

Well, don't tell your boyfriend it says Val. I know Mike won't care, I'm not money or alcohol so why should he? But I'm having my childhood flashbacks- tell me used to rub my breast into this day it instantly kills my sex drive. I told Mike. I waited for him to sober up but you kept drinking and I was having panic attacks I couldn't regulate my heartbeat. You know what his response was when I told him I was having flashbacks? He held up his hurt hand, and asked why I was having flashbacks about his hand and then walked away.