Christmas 2009

As far back as i can remember, i haven't been the same person 2 Christmases in a row.

Could be the personality disorder, could be just growing up.

In 1998, i was 18, had lost a LOT of weight, and was looking forward to the clothes i had
been promised.

By 2001, the weight was back, i had lost my place in the Iraqi community, along with my
husband and children, and was living out of my trunk, sleeping on my mothers couch.

2003? I was legally "mentally disabled" having tried unsuccsessfully to kill myself. 7
times.

2005 i was married, living in Sweden. Because my husband was more strict about Islam
than my boyfriends, i wasn't even allowed a phone call home. This is the first year i
actually MISSED them on Christmas.

2006 i was home again, but wasn't missing them so much. Had found a new boyfriend,
and we had decided to make Christmas our first time we slept together. I rented a hotel
for the day, and 8 hours later, had trouble walking. This relationship would stay secret.

2008 i was halfway living with my bestfriend. It was between his house, and my mother's
couch, and the couch was looking less and less appealing. This was the year of awakening. I smoked pot for the first time, as a gift to him. I wanted to get drunk for the first time, but that would take more time. There was 12 inches of snow on the ground, and Matt was having a few friends over. I was honored to be one of these friends.

2009 found me without a job, but with Mike, my boyfriend that puts up with my ever-
changing personality. He tells me daily that he loves me, never fails to make me smile,
or laugh, or just be content.

This year, Mike and his son Nate came up to my parents and kept me from going insane. My grandmother was her normal self, finding negative things, no matter what. My family has always been a trigger which is why i try to stay away from family gatherings. I hate drama, and that household is FULL OF IT. Part of me wished i could go back to last year, sitting on Matts' bed, watching movies and hanging out.

But we went to Mike's mom house... she's awesome. They had a gift exchange, and since Mike and i had not brought anything, we disn't get to participate. Now, this was fine with me, because i wasn't about to go in front of his family (20 people) and open a gift- i prefer to hide in the corner. Well, Sharon wasn't going to allow that; she found 2 more gifts, and wrapped them up under Mike and my name. We drew numbers, unwrapped and swapped, stole and restole till everybody had gone around the circle. it was pretty fun, and despite having brought nothing but a plate of cookies, we walked
away with a foot massager, a set of glasses, an LED flashlight that Mike really needed,
and, courtesy of Nathan's quick wits, a clock that we both needed and wanted. It was
relaxing, and fun, and i discovered that i like spinich dip. Who knew? =)

No babies...

When i was 19, i had an ecptopic pregnancy, and they checked my hormone level after the operation.  They found my body doesn't make Progesterone, and told me if i ever want to have children, i would need synthetic. Well, i never had a boyfriend that i trusted to have kids with, so i didn't worry. Until Mike. He wants another son, so i went in, and got new blood tests. My progesterone levels are less than .2, and a normal level is about 5. 10 when you are at the peak of ovilation.  (ew, i know, Sorry.)  The dr asked me how long it had been since my last cycle, and we counted down. I went in on day 21, when my progesterone would have been at its highest. I got my results back today...  At its highest levels, my progeterone level is 1.3.  Now, synthetic progesterone is no problem. Except my body makes too much of a hormone called Prolactin. This comes from the pituitary gland, which Mike lovingly told me is why i'm so big.  Yeah, thanks honey. So i go in on Friday to find out what can be done, and i will keep you updated. In the meantime, pray, please? I would really like a baby.

Ex Lover My Ass

Yakima. Wapato. 2 ex-girlfriends. Wait, excuse me, ONE ex-girlfriend and one ex lover. His "true love" in his own words. Her mother passed away, and as much as i was sorry for her, since the funeral was at 8AM we had 2 choices. Leave Friday night and spend the night their; no money for a hotel would leave us at the mercy of either ex or an ex drug dealer. Or we could get up at 4AM and drive. He wisely opted for the latter. We pulled into the funeral home at 8AM and the parking lot was empty. Mike called his mom, who reminded him the funeral was at 10, not 8. So he called his daughters, that live with their mom, and we took them out for breakfast. His daughters, not his ex.

During breakfast, his daughter was like "buy me a car, dad, take me to the mall, dad." He apologized because i had to be at work and he couldn't spend more time with them. I felt bad, because i do like his daughters.  After breakfast we dropped them off and went to the service. It was beautiful, and afterwards, people lined up to say their respects. Since Nate and i never knew her, we went out to the car. mike came out a few minutes later and we headed home.

The next day, Mike had to work his 10 hour shift, and came home so tired. Even though i had worked my 10 hour shift as well (I hate sundays) I promised to rub his feet and give him a sponge bath. He got in the shower, and as i was finding his clothes, his phone chirped he had a text message. I assumed it was the karaoke host telling him to go sing, and didnt want to go out, so i hit View.

And the number was a 509 number; NOT the karaoke host. 509 is the area code for Eastern Washington. As in, Wapato/ Yakima, where we just were. I opened the text, thinking his daugheter and immediatly hoped i was wrong. "I forgot to say good-night and i will love you soon." HOLY SHIT. Backtracking thru his texts, they had been talking dirty all day. It didn't take a genius to figure out it was Arlene, his "truelove".

This man that promised me he would never cheat on me, that was calling me lover and baby, from the next room... He was sending back texts "he hadn't seen her bare shoulder in a while..Grrr...." (She had sent him pics of her tattoos and her trampstamp.

Now, to his credit, he at no time texted the words love. But there had been many a phone call, God only knows what they had talked about. She is supposedly happily married, and Mike promised he wasn't that kind of guy! Well, screw him in the bathtub, i took 5 of my anxity meds with a shot of tequila, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Next morning i woke up still pissed off, grabbed my laptop, logged on to T-mobile and BLOCKED HER NUMBER. No texting either way, and if she tries to call she will get a messages saying the phone is out of service. If he tries to call her, an automated voice will say "You are not allowed to make calls to this number" and hang up. At which point he'll ask me why, and i'll ask him why he wants to call her. Bitch move, probably, but i'm not going to stand back and watch it happen. Later that day, we went to his mom's house, where she asked if Mike had talked to Arlene, because she gave her Mike's number. All this time i thought Mike had given it to her... Oops. I told his mom yes, they had been sexting, which she heard as texting, thank God, and got me the dirtiest look from Mike. Oh well, now he knew why i wasn't speaking to him. When we got home, he swore up and daown there was nothing going on, she's happily married, yada yada yada. Heard it all before. Now we just wait to see when he asks why he can't call, right?

Drama

Tonight started out simple enough. My computer has been geeking, so i called my friend John to help. He's a computer genius and a half, and if anybody can fis it, he can. He plugged it in, it did its thing, he did his. He turned it off, handed it back and said "Yup, you're fucked." Not exactly the best news from a computer tech. But my computer is still under warranty, so im okay. I hugged John and we left. We being Mike and I, who i asked to come along in case John wanted payment that i wasn't prepared for.

On the way home, John texted me "When are we gonna go sing karaoke?" I posed this question to mike, and he said we'll hit Charlies at 8 and Performance at 9, as usual. Well, John got into a huge amount of trouble and had to sell his car, so i offered to pick him up. We got all dressed up, as we do, and we grabbed John about 8:45. Got to the bar at 9ish. I opened our tab, we got our stuff and sat down. Mike starts going thru his envelope of songs to sing, and i was teasing john to put in a song. The karaoke host came over and asked mike what he was gonna sing, said hi to me and locked eyes with john. She FROZE; like something out of a movie. Now... John has a rep for being a freak in bed, he's try-sexual. Meaning he'll try anything. In fact, i stopped talking to John for awhile because he asked me to take pics at a party and i opted to hang out with Matt.

Anyway, Sonya composed herself, and started karaoke. After a few rounds, john put in a song.
"Creep" by Radiohead. A line in this song goes "I'm special... so very special" And Sonya whispered in the microphone "Ed!" (Special Ed...get it?) the whole place started laughing and john loosened up. A few mins later John went to the bathroom and Sonya came up and asked
where he's been! Then she took John OFF my tab and started him on hers! and told us not to tell him. But his next coke, the waitress told him. Then John went up and started HER on a new tab. And they were inseperable for the night. They danced quite a few times, even sang love songs to each other. i was very impressed.

It would have been a perfect night had matt showd up, but that would have been too much for me to believe. But i wanted him to know i missed him dearly, so i texted twitter, attached to facebook. Mike and i sang and danced, all was okay. About 11:30 my friend Julie showed
up. We work together, so it was a trip to see each other out of uniform. We all sat together, and were laughing, drinking and talking. I had my 2 drinks; the bartender made me a drink "Frog Pee" A drink she invented. It was good, but after 2, i was done for the night. I was drinking water like... a fish! Ha!

Okay... about midnight the bar filled up. The "regulars" had been at a birthday party, and had just gotten back. Kimberly came over to me to ask if i was coming to the party next friday. (Sheila is Mike's ex-girlfriend and her party is Friday the 26th) I said i dont want to, but Mike is going to make me. Kimberly jumped in waited 10 mins, then left. I was on the verge of panic, i knew i was in deep shit for saying anything. I drove home, slowly, looking. Not at home. I double back and drove a different way; no mike. Following the third way home it dawned on me. The Casino. Sure enough, he was in the back, top of his lungs cussing about women trying to control him. "My ex-bitch wanted my money, took my kids and my car and left a hole in my heart
only for Melissa" (This would have sounded sweet under NORMAL circumstances.) I walked in and slid my hands around his waist and waiting for his breathing to calm down. He asked me if he could play with his last 20$. His money is non of my business, but i reminded him he wanted to send Michelle money. He started to cry and say those lovely things that alcohol brings out in
him, and we left. We got home, and he kept saying he loves me but i couldn't say it back. He told me i was just like his ex (Ouch.) and got out and slammed the door. I looked up at the roof of my car and asked God to give me ONE reason not to drive to the river. And jump in. About 3 seconds later, my phone vibrated... It was Matt. My reason.

Okay- so i haven't written in quite a while. So lets see where i can remember leaving off, and catch up. First and most important, i'm no longer friends with Matt. After a year of friendship- which is generally the length of time i can keep friends, we parted ways. It all happened coincidentally, but that just means it was meant to be, right? Okay, here's what happened. A week before he was to fly out to somewhere for a job, i had my friend Jay check my oil. I was almost empty, but didnt have the money for an oil change, so he just threw in 2 quarts and warned me to change it ASAP. Matt asked me to take him to the airport Monday night/Tuesday morning at 3AM, but i went over Sunday nightto hang out. I was actually in Tacoma for another reason, which hurt Matt without intending to. I was trying to keep things simple and keep money in my pocket, without taking a cut AND losing my portion. Thats all the detail i'll go into about that. Anyway, he was mad, so as a truce, and as a way to say good-bye, we went out to eat. True to my knowledge, since he knew i had money, I ended up paying. While we were drinking our coffee, and having breakfast, (It was midnight, after all) his girlfriend Cynthia called. But lets start from the beginning, shall we?


I first heard of Cynthia when Matt got drunk off his ass on St. Patricks Day and called me at 4AM to come get him. He crawled in my car, almost crying "Her name had to be Herron!" I had no idea who he was talking about, but he kept repeating this and trying to crawl out my car window. Got him home, into bed, and he slept. Next day, i tried asking him who this girl was that had him so upset, he said his friends and he were looking up friends from highschool. Now, he went to high school in Germany, so its pretty cool that he can still look them up. After a long discussion, it came out that Cynthia was his first love. Only now she was married. Now- Matt and i were not dating, as much as we just hung out ALOT. And i was crashing on his couch, and taking care of him and his roommates as much as they would let me. But it still hurt that whatever i did was not enough that he had to go looking for another girl. Especially since i had this guy on the line, but never said yes because i was hoping...

Over the next two weeks, all i heard was cynthia, cynthia, cynthia. She made him smile, so i liked her, while still being jealous. So i aquicised, and said yes to Mike. Good thing, cause beginning of April, Matt moved, and i moved in with mike. Yes, i know that sounds shallow, but Mike was pushing me to move in since we met, and i wasn't ready. Knowing Matt and i would only always be friends, i gave in.

Matt moved in with some friends, that didn't allow strangers to come over, so i rarely saw him. Mike and i flourished, but i still went running when he called, which pissed Mike off. Matt and i stayed in touch thru phone, text, facebook and twitter, of which he would post odd sayings that i didn't understand, about blue skies when it was raining outside. Then one day, i got a friend request from twitter- blueskies was following me. I clicked on the profile-- it was his Cynthia! i accepted, and watched her twitter for awhile. She seemed pretty cool, and i tried asking Matt about her. He didn't have nice things to say, other than she had changed from the girl he fell in love with so many years ago. A few weeks later, i see pictures on Matt's facebook- from an airplane! He had left, without so much as a good-bye! I cried about that for 2 days, until even Mike lost his patience and told me to stop crying and choose: Matt or Mike. Since Matt had left me, i tried to erase him from my mind, until he called the very next day, needing a ride from the airport. And? I went running. Mike came with because he knew i would end up spending money. I took us all 3 thru the drive-thru, dropped Matt off, and mike and i went home.

I was mad at him for not telling me he was leaving, and that i had to leave work early to pick him up, but he is so damn charming i forgave him. So when he asked if i would mind driving him to the airport, so he could fly to CALIFORNIA for a job (KEEP THIS IN MIND) I didn't mind. He had to be at the airport at 4 AM, so i was planning to go his house about 10ish, we could hang out and then go. He didn't know how long the job was going to last, so didn't know when i would see him again.

As i said, I went over the night before, and we went out to dinner, during which Cynthia called. He told her he was out to dinner with me, and seemed surprised that she didn't know who i was. He had previously scolded me for talking to her on Facebook, and i had tried to tell him that we only play games, not talk about anything personal. Although she did mention she wished she had met when she was up here, which led me to believe that the car i helped return to the airport was hers.

When i dropped him off, i asked him how long he would be in the air. He said quite a few hours, with 2 different lay-overs. Lay overs?? It's a direct flight from Washington to CALIFORNIA. (Keeping this still in mind? Good.) As i was driving home, my oil light came on in my car. I love my car- she tells me when she needs anything. So i called my bro and asked him to please change my oil the next day before i broke down. Having blown TWO engines (Yeah, i know) I wasn't taking any chances. Fast forward to next day, when i went to my brothers, i posted a message on facebook "I will miss my best friend" To which Cynthia replied "I will take good care of him." Wait, what??? She lives on the East coast, and as far as i could remember, California was still on the west coast. At the same time, my bro and his friend came in and said they were going to get their girlfriends, and at the same time, all the oil will leak out. Sounds like a plan, it was only 4pm; i had plenty of time to get to Matt. But i was still wondering what she had meant by she'll take care of him.

I asked the opinion of my mom, who had listened to me cry about missing him, who told me one of two things. Either she was meeting him in Cali, or he lies and was flying to the East coast. I realized why he had 2 lay-overs, and i was beyond hurt. I texted him i would not make it, and turned off my phone.

Next day, i turned it back on, and had voice mails and text messages telling me his job didnt start for 2 more weeks, and Cynthia wanted too see him and was willing to pay for the ticket, and he didn't tell me to spare my feelings. This was too too much, and i jumped on facebook and publicly told him to forget my name, forget my number and forget ever "paying me back. As of this writing... he has.