Assuming Consequences

 Whats my on mind, Facebook asks...Heavy thoughts but here we go.

I found out Wednesday that my car battery was dead, and when i called my mom to tell her, i assumed Mike heard and would help. And he didnt. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and i take rejection suuuuuper hard. 

On Thursday, mixed signals had my bro come down but no charger. I asked Mike where his was, assuming (dontcha love that word?) he would catch my hints and HELP ME. But no. 

Now, on almost just about every car problem i've had, my brother has both come to the rescue and showed me what's wrong. He's a great teacher. But unless one of us had a potato or lemon, we weren't getting any juice to my car battery- so i bought this awesome battery jumper and he came down and showed me how it works. Again, i assumed (🤦‍♀️) that when i showed Mike the battery jumper, HE would HELP ME. But no.  But...

If you know me IRL, you know how much it hurts to walk, and walking down my stairs is a burning pain. I cannot express my surprise when i got to the bottom of the stairs and Mike was behind me, to make sure i didnt fall. After bro left, Mike and I sat in the car and he told me he was HURT that i never asked him for help, and he would have helped me on Wednesday IF HE KNEW I NEEDED HIM.   I had assumed so much, all negative. He assumed i didnt want his help because i didnt ask him straight out.  Oh that word...  

We might not have a "definable relationship", but we are roommates and friends, and now you're all up to speed on my battery, my hero of a brother, and my reason to stop assuming. 

Never again

 So ive been writing about Mikes gut, his lungs, liver, stomach ulcers and how i have been worried about him. Well, Screw that. Ive been telling him that i am sorry hes sick but also i have enjoyed our time together. He did his grunt sound that he always does and put his feet in my lap for a foot rub. Cant win em all, right? Yeah... So yesterday, Monday, he didnt come home from the bar until 11pm. If your keeping track, like i have to, that is over 8 hours. But when he did come home, he had crack. 6 months off seems to be his record, and i know it's NOT my fault, but this hit me hard. I have been his nurse, shadow, bff, yada-yada-yada for 6 weeks now, and as i start my withdrawals from lithium (I'll catch you up on that in a few days) just as I NEED HIM, he goes back on the pipe. Oh the smell...like burning metal, its so nasty and i hate that i know it. I hate that i not only fell for him but let him know i was enjoying his company. i hate that i was so so happy without alcohol in the house and now i know everything will go back to what it was but im smarter now. I dont have the lithium to blind me, to make me think all will be okay, i know better than to think this man will ever be more than just a mistake in my rear view window of life, because i deserve so much better than an alcoholic crackhead that worships money. I give damn good foot rubs, many people have said so- i can make people happy without illegal chemicals stinking up my personal space! But most of all, between the detoxing from lithium and him back on the pipe...i have nobody.   

No- i have my mom, who thinks she's sneaking something past me when she sneaks vodka while i visit her. ANd then wonders why i dont visit for months at a time. I have Mikes mom, Sharon- shes a great listener but i dont want to call and seem like im tattling. She's HIS mom, even though she's been thru this with 2 husbands and she knows what im talking about, it's always gonna feel like tattling, and i cant do that. I have my church family, but it's difficult to keep coming to them with negative. If Pastor knew the thoughts running thru my head, he'd either baptize me again or exorcise me, not sure which. Thats scary and its only going to get worse. What i mean by i have nobody? Last night im laying here smelling the stink of crack, so i lit my incense, and i realize i want a hug. I want human contact. I want someone that will let me put my head on their shoulders and feel calm and then i can cry and then the nasty thoughts might leave.  I'm sad over Mike??? WTF child? Everytime i try to put my head on his shoulder, he pushes it down like im gonna perform oral sex on him. Why?? Try foreplay- try a hug - try TALKING to me. but in my deepest moments of patheticness i go back like some weird dog that knows if i keep doing his bidding, he'll throw me a smile or a kind word. And now i dont want it. Fucking crackhead. 

Diabetes but not diabetes

 Okay... i still love my Dr, and his med student rocks.. That said, my pancreas is failing. He's not calling it diabetes because blood work is spot on, but "we" are treating it like diabetes, i.e. diet, exercise, new medication, etc. Weight is down since beginning of August, and i'm upping my water from 6ltr to 8 ltr/daily. Sheesh, I really AM a fish!

I wont lie, i was really afraid as i was hearing this, but I have a great support team (you!) and my church family is with me along with Mike's family. I go back in 30 days, so if you see me with anything but water in my hands...SLAP ME! Thank you for being here for me.

Comcast Asshole

 I have packages being delivered from Amazon all the time so when I heard the beep beep beep of a truck backing up and then I knock on the door I didn't think twice. I should have! It was Comcast and the installer was at the wrong address. I showed him across the street where he needed to be and he said thank you and then told me I was pretty and stroked my cheek and then grabbed my breast. Does this ever really work? Like I'm just going to have sex with you right then and there? I slammed the door and came back to my room holding my breath until I heard the truck leave what do I do now??

Well, don't tell your boyfriend it says Val. I know Mike won't care, I'm not money or alcohol so why should he? But I'm having my childhood flashbacks- tell me used to rub my breast into this day it instantly kills my sex drive. I told Mike. I waited for him to sober up but you kept drinking and I was having panic attacks I couldn't regulate my heartbeat. You know what his response was when I told him I was having flashbacks? He held up his hurt hand, and asked why I was having flashbacks about his hand and then walked away.

Wasted time

 You were coughing and I brought you my water. As I was braiding your hair I gave you the last bottle of my favorite juice. I rubbed your back and I gave you ice, all without asking anything in return. Now, a normal boyfriend would hug or kiss or pat on the shoulder even? Fuck, even the Cable Guy touched my cake and told me I was pretty. These are nice words to hear when they are slurred. About 8:30 you were getting ready for bed so I went out into the hall because I knew you would make some reference about wanting your feet rubbed. As close as I feel to you today all I wanted was a little sign of affection. Hug me, kiss me, Pat me on the head like a fucking dog even? Anything! And yet as you walked past me you grabbed my breast. You know I hate being touched there but you do it anyway. And because Tyler touched me that way on Thursday I'm still having flashbacks and I said no! I said I don't want to have flashbacks! Please don't touch me there. And you told me to shut up. I cannot believe I've wasted my life knowing you!