The biggest mistake i made was not leaving. I had that gut feeling. He was texting in the way that says he's angry, but i figured he'd only been there 2 hours. How mad could he be?? *Facepalm* The 2nd mistake i made was going to the bathroom. Literally, i was using the toilet when i heard him stomp stomp stomp up the stairs and kick the door open. The door of course is locked, which earned me a few new swear names. See, heres where it gets tricky. He was already blackout drunk. I should have grabbed my keys and ran but He'd catch me before i got halfway down the stairs and id be toast, or worse he damage the car if i was in it, or anything that i didnt take i.e. computer, medication, clothes... they'd be destroyed. I left the bathroom and came n my room and he asked what was for dinner. We had texted about this; i had ordered pizza and it was due any minute. He told me i better get my @ss on the porch because if he sees the delivery boy hes going to kill him. Put a bullet between his f'ing eyes and make me clean up the blood. Wow-- that was bad, even for him. He took a shwer and the pizza came- thanks to Covid they basically toss you the pizza and run, lucky guy.
I brought the pizzas (we have very different taste in pizza) and when he got done with the shower, he came in my room, naked, and asked what was for dinner. I tried to hand him his pizza- i have the pizza box IN my hand, and he screaming thats not f'ing pizza, youre an f'ing liar, thats imaginary! Um...i just paid 20 bucks for 2 very real pizzas but i know better. than to even look up at this point. And here it comes... my fake dad doesnt love me, my mom is a w*ore, grandma's a c*nt, Im horrile at cooking, cleaning, breathing, god gave me cancer because i'm a bad person, on and on and on. Forgive me for not writing it all out, its hard to listen to and im not trying to relive it although that was a tame part of the evening.
In between screaming at me and degrading (is it degrading if you no longer believe it?) he was punching the walls, and throwing things around the apartment.The "fake" pizza was still in my room, so he started cooking something in the kitchen. He came in and told me im not a real woman because i cant cook, and that to teach me he was going to leave the meat on the stove while he f'ed me raw. He kept telling me he wanted to hurt me. At this point i lost my ability to hold back the tears, i was gone. I knew he was drunk enough and angry enough to do just that, and the only thing i could do would be stall. 1 hour cycles out 1 shot, so if i could keep him at bay until like...Christmas, id be okay. I turned my computer off, hid my car keys, turned my phone on silent and changed my clothes into something i wouldnt miss when he ripped them. How sad is it that i know these things??
He came back to my room and yelled "You wanna F*ck?" No- nice and clear so google (who records all my encounters) could hear. He started punching the wall and screand You must want another hold in the wall? Im not patching this one! (It took him 3 years to patch the one in my room and its still not right) Back to the living, throwing things (poor nathan; eveything he owns is in the living room) throwing things in the kitchen--pots, pans, knives... anything is fair game. I once found salad dressing on the roof and a butcher knife IN the wall, so...yeah. Few minutes later he came stomping into my room, grabbed my ponytail, pulled my head back and tried kissing me. then he lifted me (i am NOT a small woman; i'm almost a small car) by the armpits, i grabbed my water bottle and my phone and he pulled me into his room. I told him i would go, but my clothes stay ON. He said ok, clothes stay on.
He laid down on the bed and pulled me next to him. Okay...keep him talking, hand him gatorade, 1 hour =1 shot...pray. Pray. PRAY. PRAY HARDER!! There has to be a reason God put me in this situation and its not to see how fast a 240 lb man can metabolize half a bar inventory. Think!! At this point my fight or flight gave up and a panic attack engulfed me, when did cause him to either release his grip around me or get puked on. He starts talking in this super soft uber creep voice, and i sat up to get air, and inched toward the edge of the bed. If i cant catch a breath, im gonna need a bucket. Slow breathes...in and out... about 10 minutes of this and i was okay, and i thought he was asleep. YES! I reached for my phone and he grabbed my wrist, pulled me back down and was squeezing me. I prayed out loud- "Please Jesus make him see he's hurting me." His reply? ***"Jesus cant save you now"*** Uh oh.
If i thought the first panic attack was bad, the one that hit at that sentence...ive been having panic attcks for 20 years, sex is a trigger, and i made the horrible mistake of telling mike this when we were first together; a happy couple. Now its ammunition. This panic attack was so bad, the room was turning colors, like some weird acid trip (i assume). I know i had to get my blood pressure down but i couldnt breathe and he wasnt letting go this time. deep breaths...breath... breath... You remember me telling you he had taken a shower, right? Notice i didnt tell you he got dressed? Yeah- now i have a naked angry drunk man that doesnt want to make love, he doesn't want sex, he wants to F**K and it better hurt!!! I had closed my eyes and was just praying for the world to stop, gravity to dissapear, just about ANYTHING. And you know what God sent me? A car alarm. My car? His car? Who knows. He threw on some boxer shorts and we went to investigate.Twas just the neighbors, no intruders, but it got me out of the situation AND mikes in boxers. Double win, Thank you, God!
I filled up my water bottle and went back in MY room. Pretty sneaky of me, huh? Thinking i was in the clear. Now, This is where being my others daughter comes in handy. Give him too much of what ive got and he'll forget what he asked for, right? He pulled me back in his room and i sat on the edge of the bed. He laid down and kept telling me he was horny, he wanted to F**k, over and over. So i grabbed his feet and started rubbing. I give killer massages and usually within 10 minutes he'd be asleep. Here's hoping, right? AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER... he's moaning and shuddering but not sleeping. I didnt factor in the alcohol keeping him awake. This is new. But if im working on his feet, im safe. Im not even talking, just massaging, and praying that whatever lesson im supposed to learn comes quicker. He sits up in bed and asks why i didnt order the pizza. Holy...what?? What?? I said i did order it, i'll go grab it. I come get the pizza, go hand it to him, and start to leave. He starts talking in this creepy baby voice, "mommy come feed me, i is hugee mommy" I pulled out a piece of his thin crust pinapple pizza and handed it to him. Nope- he wants me to chew it up and spit it in his mouth. **You just cant make this up, folks**
I assumed the babytalk meant he was sobering up so i made the mistake of saying no. I cant have pineapple, that is all yours. And the pizza went across the bed and he screams "roll over im gonna F you in the @ss!" Sheesh, that escalated QUICKLY. I reminded him he said my clothes stay ON, im here to put him to sleep, just lay down, relax... i was doing my very best Scheherazade/Golden Harp if i can just get him to sleep!! He laid down and told me that after i fall asleep he would get me and if i tried screaming he'll tie me up. What on God's green earth is going thru his head?? And if he's serious, is google getting all this?? 2 panic attacks had left me spent, i kept yawning so he told me to lay down. I said no, im okay and he grabbed me and wouldnt ya know, i was laying down. I was okay...he started breathing softly like he was sleeping, so i relaxed. I know his sleep sounds and i knew once he started twitching i was ok. So i made yet another mistake. I relaxed. He grabbed my pants, pulled me into his crotch and started dry-humping me! My flight instinct kicked in and i tucked and rolled right out of bed.
He starts screaming- F you! You're a f'ing tease, you're a bi*ch, you dont love me, on and on just venom spewed, as he was genuinly confused why i just stop-drop-and-roll out of his frottage. My brain said...maybe he WAS asleep and didnt realize? So i asked him. He was crystal clear when he told me he was going to F me in the @ss and he wanted it now so he could go to sleep. Okay God... i need you here. Like, meteor on the house NEED you. I dont think a car alarm will do it. he started screaming at me (yes, again, keep up) he knows i have physical limitations (used to have cancer, yes) but he really needs relief, he needs to make something hurt. He doesn't want to hurt me, but he just need to FU*K. He loves me, im his bestfriend, he wants us to have a baby, he wants to marry me and take care of me if i get sick again. (He took me to ONE dr appt in 8 years of cancer and to this day has no idea where in the body the cancer was!) Marry me?? Bestfriend?? Who ARE you?? The words dont match the actions and its creeping me out. My only goals are to get him asleep and keep on my clothes. I wouldve slipped him a sleeping pill if his blood alcohol level wasn't still in the double digits.
I get up off the floor and tell him ill stay at the end of the bed. I'll rub his feet, his hands, but he cannot grab me, he's triggering my panic attacks. At this point im kinda giving up. Best case, he cant maintain an erection, gets pissed and goes to bed. Worse case... ive already been violated in that area, which is why he wants it, hes feeding off my fear; time to stop being afraid. Google still recording- i made the mistake 20 years ago of not naming my abuser. I wont do that again. So if you feel like you need to hurt me...lets get this over with. I told him i know hes better than this- talking about wanting to hurt me that way. He started screaming again and i told him i wasnt going to listen to screamig, just talk. he kept insisting if he could just...have his way...he'd go to sleep. We came to an impass. Or whatever you call him pleasuring himself with me in the room. I was uncomfortable, and didnt help, and after about 45 minutes he gave up. He got angry and tried talking himself back into my pants but at this point the wind was out of his sails, and he knew yelling wouldnt help anymore. I took back my fear. He started baby talk again, asking for huggies and kissies. Is talking like a baby after screaming at me for 5 hours supposed to make it better? No... sorry-not-sorry. I grabbed my phone and started reading a book, and in under 5 minutes he was asleep.
Not to be tricked again, i stayed put for a good 15 minutes. Once he started the twitching i got up and came back to my safety, my bedroom. And now ive vented to...well, nobody reads my stuff, but its very helpful that i get it out. And if you are reading this, and you read aaaaalllll the way thru...May God Bless You, because that means you care.
Goodnight!
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