3 kisses

 I'm hurt and I've been sitting on it too long. Last week on Friday the 13th, Mike was in a really good mood. He came right home so he was sober and when he walked in, he walked over and kissed me! He hasn't kissed me in months so I was surprised! In fact, about an hour later we passed each other in the hallway and I said I want another one! And he gave me two more! :-) I was flying! It was a great night, we watched movies, always good. :-) until monday. He had gotten a package from Amazon and when he came into my room to get it I joked that there was a finder's fee. And he said I already gave you three this month. What!!? I'm on a quota? Three kisses in a month? That's it? Aziz did better. Hell, Matt did better! Apparently if I want the smallest of affection I must leave. Fuck, I was just starting to like him again. Why must I miss what does not want me? What ignores me, does not love me, does not respect me want someone else? Why am I letting you rent space in my head? What can I do to avoid this bizarrness in my life? Get out! I've tried to leave only to be pulled back so many times and finally I'm free and yet..

Happy birthday, yet again

 You weren't here. For two weeks we have laughed, talked, mild, I missed you so much and worried when I didn't hear from you. I picked you up Friday so excited you were home! And that was that. I sat on the end of your bed to spend a little time with you but you kept putting your feet in my lap. The only thing you missed was my foot rubs. I should be honored but I was hurt. You didn't ask about me, not once. I knew you were tired and I figured we'd spend Saturday together, maybe visit your mom? No, you went alone. The only person that excludes me from your family is you, the one who should be including me. And after you give your mom her gift which was my idea, you selfish prick, you came home, dressed up, and went to the bar. You are only back home for 13 hours! I shouldn't be surprised, I'm actually surprised you didn't just have me drop you off the night before.

After you left, everything came crashing back. Missing you and loving you are not the same thing. You got back from the bar 7 hours later and I could hear you stomping and banging around so I stayed in my room. I had my door closed because I was burning incense. You open the door and said something about shutting me out after all this and went away. About a half an hour later you closed your bedroom door. Well that'll teach me! Go back to New york.

 Each night I go in and I sit at the feet of Mike's bed and I listen for him in case he stops breathing. On the 17th he pulled me down onto the bed and asked if he could have a quickie. I said no and struggled to get up and he held me down. Nothing happened, and I wasn't going to go back in there for a while because I don't feel safe. On the 18th of February like an idiot that I am, I went back in and sat at the foot of his bed because he got his CPAP machine and I wanted to make sure it didn't choke him or he didn't stop breathing except he didn't have the correct water so he didn't put it on. Instead he told me his dick was hard and could he f******. Me. I just sat at the edge of the bed crying because this is not what I want in a relationship and I have told him. He knows how much sex hurts and the problem is he likes it when it hurts. I knew that I wasn't going to get out of his room without giving in so I just bent over the bed and turned my body off. I can't stand this man who treats me with such disrespect and I can't wait for King County Housing to come forward and give me a place to live so I feel safe and I feel happy. This is not a true man this is not a man that treats women this way. How would he feel if someone talked to his mother or his daughters this way? And yet it's okay to talk to me this way?? When I say no he gets all angry and throws a hissy fit fine, I won't ask you anymore and yet two or three days later he's telling me we're going to have sex, why don't you want to f***? Because I don't have meaningless sex and I don't want you in my life. Can't stand you don't love you told you this many times get your skunk ass garlic onion vodka breath away from me! The worst part of it is? Today's our 13th year anniversary and I would rather slit my wrists then let this man touch me. I know I'm going to have to let him "finish the job" because we didn't get to last night. Because when I lay there like a log he doesn't understand oh she's not liking this oh, maybe I should stop. No, he gets angry because his dick goes soft and there's nothing he can do about it because he's an alcoholic. I wish I had somebody I could talk to.

We knew it was coming

 We lost grandma Kitty about a week ago.  

We knew it was coming but it still hurts like a needle in the heart.  She fought,  but her body gave up- they're calling it dementia due to covid,  how that works I'll never know.  She was so depressed that nobody came to visit in the hospital, not realizing she couldn't have but 1 visitor per day.  My mom would go and spend all day but cousins would go for an hour or two and leave.  This left grandma alone and not allowed visitors the rest of the day.  I hope she gets to heaven and has a nice chat with Jesus over this shit.

Once she was at my mom's house,  she could have all the visitors she wanted but at that point dementia was full blown and she was mentally a6yr old child.  She wouldn't eat anything,  drink a sip or 2 of ensure and was calling my mom (Cindy) Ramona or Juanita. Aunt Juanita is the oldest sister,  passed on about 10 years ago,  and we have no clue who Ramona is.  Neither name sounds like Cindy.  

I started making phone calls,  my mom handled the hospice paperwork,  we were all on auto pilot. I was telling people grandma didn't want a big memorial,  plant a tree in her name,  if...IF we have a memorial I will absolutely call, text, facebook... somehow I'll let people know.  

During one of these phone calls,  nancy overheard and assumed I was telling people there WAS going to be a memorial,  and like the bitch she is,  went and tattled to my mom, who already had enough on her plate,  you fucking bleach bottle blond troll. I explained to my mom and we resumed our jobs so the troll could get gone.  

Once everyone was gone,  I stayed for a little while and we went over what had to be done,  who had to be told what,  and so forth.  Even though I had told mike she passed,  when I came home,  he was at the bar.  Super supportive boyfriend?  FML 

Grandma fell *Updated*

 The first night in her new/old home, AKA my moms house, grandma tripped over something and fell, hard. She used her cane to bang on the wall and get my parents attention. They called 911 and ambulance came to get grandma. Originally it looked like a broken arm but now it turns out she ruptured her spleen. Between this and COVID-19, she is hurting.  

Hospitals have rules- only 1 visitor per day and our family is taking turns but now they are moving her to a rehab facility and she'll have a window where we can stand outside and visit. But she doesnt have her hearing aids in and she seems... angry and sad. I know she wants to come home, and i bet she doesnt understand that she just in rehab for a few weeks until shes strong enough to walk and stand without help. 

***UPDATE***

 Grandma's HOME!! Still in pain, but getting better. after 3 weeks in hospital and 3 in a physical rehab house... she's home. And i thank ALL of you for your prayers and well wishes. ❤ ❤ ❤