Never again

 So ive been writing about Mikes gut, his lungs, liver, stomach ulcers and how i have been worried about him. Well, Screw that. Ive been telling him that i am sorry hes sick but also i have enjoyed our time together. He did his grunt sound that he always does and put his feet in my lap for a foot rub. Cant win em all, right? Yeah... So yesterday, Monday, he didnt come home from the bar until 11pm. If your keeping track, like i have to, that is over 8 hours. But when he did come home, he had crack. 6 months off seems to be his record, and i know it's NOT my fault, but this hit me hard. I have been his nurse, shadow, bff, yada-yada-yada for 6 weeks now, and as i start my withdrawals from lithium (I'll catch you up on that in a few days) just as I NEED HIM, he goes back on the pipe. Oh the smell...like burning metal, its so nasty and i hate that i know it. I hate that i not only fell for him but let him know i was enjoying his company. i hate that i was so so happy without alcohol in the house and now i know everything will go back to what it was but im smarter now. I dont have the lithium to blind me, to make me think all will be okay, i know better than to think this man will ever be more than just a mistake in my rear view window of life, because i deserve so much better than an alcoholic crackhead that worships money. I give damn good foot rubs, many people have said so- i can make people happy without illegal chemicals stinking up my personal space! But most of all, between the detoxing from lithium and him back on the pipe...i have nobody.   

No- i have my mom, who thinks she's sneaking something past me when she sneaks vodka while i visit her. ANd then wonders why i dont visit for months at a time. I have Mikes mom, Sharon- shes a great listener but i dont want to call and seem like im tattling. She's HIS mom, even though she's been thru this with 2 husbands and she knows what im talking about, it's always gonna feel like tattling, and i cant do that. I have my church family, but it's difficult to keep coming to them with negative. If Pastor knew the thoughts running thru my head, he'd either baptize me again or exorcise me, not sure which. Thats scary and its only going to get worse. What i mean by i have nobody? Last night im laying here smelling the stink of crack, so i lit my incense, and i realize i want a hug. I want human contact. I want someone that will let me put my head on their shoulders and feel calm and then i can cry and then the nasty thoughts might leave.  I'm sad over Mike??? WTF child? Everytime i try to put my head on his shoulder, he pushes it down like im gonna perform oral sex on him. Why?? Try foreplay- try a hug - try TALKING to me. but in my deepest moments of patheticness i go back like some weird dog that knows if i keep doing his bidding, he'll throw me a smile or a kind word. And now i dont want it. Fucking crackhead. 

Comcast Asshole

 I have packages being delivered from Amazon all the time so when I heard the beep beep beep of a truck backing up and then I knock on the door I didn't think twice. I should have! It was Comcast and the installer was at the wrong address. I showed him across the street where he needed to be and he said thank you and then told me I was pretty and stroked my cheek and then grabbed my breast. Does this ever really work? Like I'm just going to have sex with you right then and there? I slammed the door and came back to my room holding my breath until I heard the truck leave what do I do now??

Well, don't tell your boyfriend it says Val. I know Mike won't care, I'm not money or alcohol so why should he? But I'm having my childhood flashbacks- tell me used to rub my breast into this day it instantly kills my sex drive. I told Mike. I waited for him to sober up but you kept drinking and I was having panic attacks I couldn't regulate my heartbeat. You know what his response was when I told him I was having flashbacks? He held up his hurt hand, and asked why I was having flashbacks about his hand and then walked away.

Wasted time

 You were coughing and I brought you my water. As I was braiding your hair I gave you the last bottle of my favorite juice. I rubbed your back and I gave you ice, all without asking anything in return. Now, a normal boyfriend would hug or kiss or pat on the shoulder even? Fuck, even the Cable Guy touched my cake and told me I was pretty. These are nice words to hear when they are slurred. About 8:30 you were getting ready for bed so I went out into the hall because I knew you would make some reference about wanting your feet rubbed. As close as I feel to you today all I wanted was a little sign of affection. Hug me, kiss me, Pat me on the head like a fucking dog even? Anything! And yet as you walked past me you grabbed my breast. You know I hate being touched there but you do it anyway. And because Tyler touched me that way on Thursday I'm still having flashbacks and I said no! I said I don't want to have flashbacks! Please don't touch me there. And you told me to shut up. I cannot believe I've wasted my life knowing you!

Yet another fight w/ mom

I understand she's stressed to the max and I'm not trying to put extra stress on her.  That said... 

When I came out of the bathroom she had to turn around so we could talk face-to-face and basically she let me know that all of these years that she's been telling us that at Robbie was too fat because Uncle Jack took care of everything for her. 

my mom said that I am that her excuse. Because I am big. Because I have been in her house for a month and she doesn't see me move. Problem is because she stays upstairs she doesn't see me every time I move. It is true that I haven't been moving as much as I should because I'm following my doctor's orders until I can get knee surgery which, I will definitely definitely not be healing here. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it! I don't know what set off my mom other than the fact that I am fat but aunt Robbie smoked lived a completely different lifestyle than me. Ate different foods trying different drinks if the doctors don't know what caused it who are you to say? If my doctor says don't do it oh, who are you to say?

 Prove me wrong she says, like reverse psychology is going to work on me. Going to be a sad sad summer for you lady because you can't hear and you are not going to have one person here to come and help you. Tell me to sign over my car one more f****** time, I dare you! Your son is leaving because he would rather live with his homicidal, Psychopathic, freak of a wife then you! And you lost your daughter for the same reason. You must be so proud. I hope you and Daddy have fun trying to sell this house like you've been telling me for the past 7 or 8 year. This is a house, not a home.

covid

 All last week Mike and I were both down with covid 4 the second time. We're pretty sure we got it from his son who got it from his sister because they ran around Leavenworth when she knew she was infected but that's beside the point. This time around covid hurts a lot more than it did the first time and we have both been coughing, coughing up stuff, runny nose sore throat so tired body aches, it's like having the flu times 10. Well yesterday was Monday January 31st and Mike went back to work. He didn't have to have a covid test to prove he was negative because at this point nobody in the world cares but he could not come back to work if you had a fever. He went in late because he woke up with a fever, and waited until the fever went down. I laid in bed watching my computer because again like I said everything hurts and depression is starting to kick in. I sadly assumed once Mike went back to work he would call me to see how I was doing. I was wrong. Not only did I not get any text or phone call saying how are you or I hope you're doing okay, like a normal supportive boyfriend would do, he called me one time to find out if I had the paper that his boss needed. Not my responsibility to keep your paperwork dude! Then he went to the bar for four and a half hours. Again, no negative covid test still had a temperature when you woke up this morning but then again alcoholics will be f****** losers. When he got home I was halfway asleep so he'd hit his stupid ass trick of scraping his fingernails across the wall to make sure I'm awake and then standing in my door whining and crying because his gut hurts and his heart is skipping and it hurts him to breathe. F*** you you idiot. Nobody told you to go to the bar, nobody even told you to go to work! But Your Love of Money just ruined this relationship. I don't even want to see your face little oh no that you were ever part of my life. I hope your mom calls me when you finally do die otherwise I'll never know.

3 kisses

 I'm hurt and I've been sitting on it too long. Last week on Friday the 13th, Mike was in a really good mood. He came right home so he was sober and when he walked in, he walked over and kissed me! He hasn't kissed me in months so I was surprised! In fact, about an hour later we passed each other in the hallway and I said I want another one! And he gave me two more! :-) I was flying! It was a great night, we watched movies, always good. :-) until monday. He had gotten a package from Amazon and when he came into my room to get it I joked that there was a finder's fee. And he said I already gave you three this month. What!!? I'm on a quota? Three kisses in a month? That's it? Aziz did better. Hell, Matt did better! Apparently if I want the smallest of affection I must leave. Fuck, I was just starting to like him again. Why must I miss what does not want me? What ignores me, does not love me, does not respect me want someone else? Why am I letting you rent space in my head? What can I do to avoid this bizarrness in my life? Get out! I've tried to leave only to be pulled back so many times and finally I'm free and yet..