Sick of the circle

So, i havent posted anything deep in awhile, but thats only because nothing has changed. Except my feelings. I thought i hated him, but it's not just hate. It's pure unadulterated Disgust. Disgust that he has to stop by the bar for at least 3 hours EVERY DAY.

Except Wednesday,  when he comes home, showers in cologne and goes back to the bar for ladies night. Yeah... buy another woman  drinks all night, pay her to touch her breasts, then have the gall to tell me you love me. DISGUST. And every Wednesday after ladies night, run to your crack dealer, then stay up all night watching porn and filling the apartment with stink. DISGUST.

Disgust that every Thursday he uses his family and myself to lie to his boss. I wonder if his sister knows she died 2 weeks ago? Yeah, it'll be a surprise to his mom, too. And crackhead was in charge of the whole funeral. Must have been a big one, cause he bought crack 3 times in 5 days.

One week later, exactly (cause it's always Thursday and his boss hasn't caught on)  he had to take me to Chemo! Isn't that awesome of him? To take me, without me even being there? In the 7 years cancer has been in my body, he has taken me to ONE dr appointment, and that wasn't even a biopsy. He used MY car and i still had to buy lunch to compensate for his time. (He was unemployed at this time) He doesn't even know WHERE the cancer is!!!

So, why dont i just go in my room and escape? I do. I have non-perishable food in my closet and enough bottled water to quench a camel, along with powdered water flavors. Most weekends i only leave my room to use the bathroom, until he leaves for work on Monday. But even then im not safe. When he gets drunk, he wants sex. His body no longer allows him this, so he gets MAD.  Drunk and mad =  not a good combo. I can tell how angry he is by how hard he kicks in the front door, and then bangs around the apartment, making sure im awake. He then scratches his nails on the wall outside my room, which is above my bed. So by the time he kicks my bedroom door open, i damn well better be awake! And if i'm not, he crawls in my bed and.... tries, and gets mad because i wont capitulate. He grabs my hands and put them on his crotch, he forces his brewery-tasting tongue in my mouth, and my panic starts. I ALWAYS sleep in pants, and he always tries to take them off. And my panic grows. This is WRONG and he knows it but he doesn't care.

I lay there, not moving until he gets pissed and starts screaming what a whore i am, because my mom is a bitch because my grandma is a... yeah. About 2 years ago i started recording these rants. Just in case i trip up and start to like him again. Now, before you go thinking that i talk about my mom or grandma; no. He thinks by calling my family names it will hurt me. And it should, except im immune to it. He used to say horrible things about my younger brother- the one that died 4 years before i even met crackhead. 

Why dont i "get out"? Where to go? I contacted a womans shelter a few years ago and was told resources were so thin they had to make sure i needed help and a police report would be needed. I was trying to avoid the police, i may be disgusted but i'm smart. If he ends up in jail, he wins. In jail, you get free food, free bed and you dont have to pay child support. This is his vacation spot. He wants to go back to jail but he kinda likes his freedom too. Besides, when i called the police a few years ago, after he punched a hole in my wall, they told him to take a walk, and told me to call 911 if he comes back. Thanks officer!

The worst about all this? I am disgusted with myself. Hindsight is 20/20, and i can see lots of ways out that no longer exist. So many chances and i chose crackhead. Now im keeping my eyes open, so wide that if i had a place to park...I'd live in my car.